AVOID THIS MOVIE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! SPOILERS AHEAD!
I found this on Netflix online, and it seemed to have a gay theme, though that was unclear, but I'm gay and decided to try it anyway.
Just to be clear – the theme is Lesbian – sort of, though I find it hard to imagine anyone would relate to that. Whatever – not gay.
To start with, a cute cast, and lots of ambiguity and confusion, and all of that drew me in and made me overlook my serious misgivings. The first half hour was OK, but none of the characters seemed at all grounded in reality. Still, I was hoping the two male leads would find comfort in each other's arms.
But the farther it went, the clearer it was that nothing interesting would happen, and the more ridiculous it got. Elements that at first seemed humorous and engaging got really creepy and disturbing. And every character turned out to be so damaged and deluded that I hated them all.
Let's start with "Whitney," the male lead. He's adorable, but totally F'd up. He claims he had a wonderful family, but then his father died suddenly (how heartless!), and his mother's reaction was to leave town on a world tour, with a whispered plea "Don't hate me." She then torments her son with postcards from everywhere. Whitney is a wreck. Really? The guy is twenty-something, he should have some balls by now. But no. No balls – hence the title, I guess. Want a doormat? Call Whitney.
Whitney's girlfriend "Taylor," with whom he's been living for several years, is the product of a seriously dysfunctional family – fundamentalist Christians of the creepiest sort. Her father makes her take baths while he recites scripture to her, to cleanse her soul. Seriously. She leads a double – no, triple – life: dutiful saintly daughter, loving virgin-slut straight girlfriend, and (oh no!) lesbian. Which one will she choose?
Whitney, who has NO idea about Taylor's lesbian side (even though he watches her kiss her girlfriend), wants her to marry him, but she "needs more time," adding to Whitney's misery. Awww.
Trailing along after Taylor is her high school boy friend "Aldo," who knows her deep dark secrets, and makes her give him hand-jobs in return for his silence (I'm NOT making this up).
Aldo pretends to be Whitney's friend, but lies to him nonstop. And Whitney believes every word, despite Taylor's warnings.
Then there's "Tara," Taylor's real soul-mate, her lesbian lover, who pops up periodically demanding that Taylor make a choice.
Whitney is so brainless and puppy-dog faithful and trusting that it's hard to believe ANYONE could want to spend five minutes with him. His mother tries to come home, but takes one look at his desperate face and turns around and flees again – who can blame her?
Taylor is so damaged and deceitful it's hard to believe anyone would want her either.
Aldo is just desperate. And totally creepy.
The whole mess drags on and on and on, with complications so absurd they would be funny if any of it were less brainless. As it is, I just kept gaping in amazement and disgust.
Tara finally forces Taylor to make a choice, and the two walk off hand-in-hand into the sunset.
Please save yourself the time you will waste watching this piece of garbage. You WILL regret it.
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