Shawn Spencer: Good morning, detectives! Collecting donations for the Policeman's Ball?
Carlton Lassiter: We don't have balls.
Shawn Spencer: I honestly have no response for that.
Carlton Lassiter: Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation?
Shawn Spencer: Uhhh... The case gets solved?
Shawn Spencer: Good morning detectives, collecting money for the Policeman's ball?
Carlton Lassiter: We don't have balls.
Shawn Spencer: I honestly have no response to that.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn? What the heck are you doing here?
Shawn Spencer: I should ask you the same question.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I work here!
Shawn Spencer: I should ask you a different question.
Carlton Lassiter: So you think someone planted it in his locker?
Shawn Spencer: No, I think someone put it there on purpose.
Carlton Lassiter: That's what I just said.
Shawn Spencer: But mine wasn't in the form of a question, so it came from a place of power.
Shawn Spencer: Oh, you mean my pilot's license? That's out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're referring to my license to kill. Revoked. Trouble at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I'd have to kill you, which I can't do because my license to kill has been revoked.
Carlton Lassiter: I need to get something off my chest.
Shawn Spencer: Is it your shirt? Please say no.
Karen Vick: It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He's no longer on the force, and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?
Shawn Spencer: Yes, you do, Chief. What isn't clear is why people always say "goes without saying," yet still feel compelled to say the thing that was supposed to go without saying. Doesn't that bother you?
Karen Vick: No, and frankly, I could care less.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Now, that's the one that bothers me. Why do people say, 'I could care less' when they really mean, 'I couldn't care less?'
Karen Vick: Well, why don't you tell me how to properly say this? If you share any official information about this case with your father, or let him anywhere near any new evidence, then the two of you will have to find another police department to work for, and I will personally see to it that each of you is charged with obstruction of justice.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You split an infinitive.
Shawn Spencer: Good catch, Gus!
Karen Vick: You two realize I carry a gun, right?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That was perfectly elocuted.
Henry Spencer: I don't even know how that ridiculous urban legend got started.
Shawn Spencer: [whispering] It was your big-ass mouth!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I wanted to keep it a secret! You were the one who was broadcasting it at the lunch table!
Shawn Spencer: I can't believe this...
Burton 'Gus' Guster: We actually started an urban legend.
Shawn Spencer: That's dope.
Shawn Spencer: [after someone corrects him] I've heard it both ways.
Receptionist: There is a Lt. Crunch here to see you.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Crunch?
Shawn Spencer: [enters, dressed in a Civil War uniform] Actually, I've been promoted. It's Captain Crunch.
Shawn Spencer: Remember, Dad, you treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a goddess, then a person again.
Shawn Spencer: I can't believe this. You lifted your look right off this mannequin!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: On the contrary, Shawn. Clearly, someone is stealing my look.
Shawn Spencer: Right... I did see Tommy Hilfiger creeping from bush to bush sketching you.
Shawn Spencer: I'm Shawn Spenstar and this is by partner, Gus "TT" Showbiz.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: The extra T is for extra talent.
Shawn Spencer: How can you tell that someone's a compulsive liar? I mean, assuming that their pants aren't on fire.
Juliet O'Hara: Detective Lassiter is literally on fire today.
Shawn Spencer: "Literally on fire" as in Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial, or as in a misuse of the word "literally?"
Carlton Lassiter: You wanted to see me, Chief?
Karen Vick: Yes. It has come to my attention, Detective, that you've discharged your weapons in the last four cases you've worked.
Carlton Lassiter: Thank you.
Karen Vick: That wasn't a compliment.
Carlton Lassiter: I'm just trying to keep the streets safe.
Karen Vick: The last incident was at a cat show.
Carlton Lassiter: Well, let me just go on record as saying that I would never shoot a cat.
Karen Vick: I guess I can find some solace in that.
Carlton Lassiter: Unless it was approaching in a threatening manner, or refused to stop upon my command. I would probably just fire a warning shot to make my point, but it's actually a field decision I can't commit to at this juncture.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Now everybody on my mom's side of the family thinks that I'm a psychic detective, and they think you're...
Shawn Spencer: Gay?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: No.
Shawn Spencer: German?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: No.
Shawn Spencer: Invisible?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: My assistant.
Shawn Spencer: Wow.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm a man of untold mystery. that's why my friends call me G.
Shawn Spencer: Ha. That's funny. I thought they called you Big-Head Burton.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Don't ever say that name, Shawn. Besides, I know it was you who started that.
Shawn Spencer: I'm sorry, Gus, I have a knack for alliteration. I'm a slave to it. Besides, how many words start with a B?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: About a thousand! You could have used bold, black, beautiful...
Shawn Spencer: Dude, who would have called you Black Burton?
Henry Spencer: [watching Shawn jump up and down because he just figured out the case] Shawn, don't you *dare* learn a wrong lesson while I'm trying to teach you a right lesson!
Shawn Spencer: The important thing is that you got your cover story.
Reporter: Actually, it's page 64.
Shawn Spencer: It really depends on how you fold it, doesn't it?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Great. Now you've gotten me kicked out of a funeral. Just add it to the list. Kicked out of Petsmart, kicked out of Santa's Village, kicked out of the Salvation Army...
Shawn Spencer: Dishonorably discharged!
Carlton Lassiter: Now I need to know your process.
Shawn Spencer: Do you really want to know my process?
Carlton Lassiter: Absolutely.
Shawn Spencer: Well, it starts with a holla! and ends with a Creamsicle.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: And if there's time in between? ThunderCats. Ho-oh!
Carlton Lassiter: Hey, we found prints.
Shawn Spencer: Was he in a little red corvette?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Under the cherry moon?
Carlton Lassiter: FINGER prints!
Juliet O'Hara: I had no idea you were so serious about bowling.
Shawn Spencer: Quite serious, quite serious. Matter of fact, Lego wants to sponsor me this year.
Juliet O'Hara: Oh my God, that's great.
Shawn Spencer: They also want me to wear shoes made out of Legos... So I'm torn...
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be exactly half of an 11 pound black forest ham.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be an incorrigible Eskimo pie with a caramel ribbon.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Are you crazy?
Shawn Spencer: I wouldn't say crazy. Maybe an eccentric who looks good in jeans.
Shawn Spencer: Don't be the American version of the British TV Gus.
Henry Spencer: [leans in very close] Are you busy on Saturday?
Shawn Spencer: You - you want me to come with you to awkward class?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: So now I have a cat?
Shawn Spencer: An orange tabby. Last Christmas you made her a tiny Santa hat and she adores it.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Fantastic. I can't even have a make-believe boy cat.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, a boy cat would never serve my purposes nearly as well. Next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Pickles?
Shawn Spencer: Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Although, I'm not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Wasn't Howie the victim at one point?
Shawn Spencer: Gus, that is so forty minutes ago. I bet you're still telling your friends to chillax.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Don't you watch the news?
Shawn Spencer: I can't watch Channel 8 anymore. Lloyd Lansing wears a toupee. It's like every newscast begins with a lie.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be a giant snapping turtle.
Shawn Spencer: Life insurance policy?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: It doesn't make any sense.
Shawn Spencer: Tell me about it... Dude, seriously, tell me about it. I have no idea what this means.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You never could understand legalese.
Shawn Spencer: Oh, really? Remind me who it was who set up our Psych 401ks?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Oh, you mean our 601ks? Because India doesn't have 401ks.
Shawn Spencer: It's a growth economy, Gus. We've already made like, 500 rupee.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That's thirteen dollars.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Brazilian airport codes. How do you know that?
Shawn Spencer: I lived in an airport for a month, Gus.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That was Tom Hanks in The Terminal.
Shawn Spencer: Same difference.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: How much farther to this place?
Shawn Spencer: Fifty, sixty miles.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Sixty miles? And you didn't get me a donut?
Shawn Spencer: I did get you a donut. And then I ate it.
Shawn Spencer: Dude. Some guy in a wolf costume with a light saber just said hi to you.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [evasive] I don't know that guy.
Shawn Spencer: He looked right at you.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: He was mistaken.
Shawn Spencer: He said, 'Hi, Gus.' And then, another dude with a cape and a codpiece gave you a half-nod.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: To be honest, I'm burnt. I just wanna take a nap.
Shawn Spencer: Couldn't agree with you more, buddy. I think we should lay low for a bit. No more cases.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that. I was kind of worried about telling you.
Shawn Spencer: Don't be a silly goose. Now, we've had a good talk, I think we both felt it, and look at this. Here we are.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: What is this, Shawn?
Shawn Spencer: Okay, here's the thing. The police may have found a body... which I may have picked up on my police scanner which... I may have brought with me.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: What part of "stay put" is confusing to you?
Shawn Spencer: The "put" part. I wasn't "put" in the first place, Gus. The whole expression is a complete disaster.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm not going out there.
Shawn Spencer: You cannot sit here in a dark car all alone. You'll be picked up for mopery.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Mopery?
Shawn Spencer: With intent to creep. Trust me, you don't want that. It'll put a big hole in your future.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I can't spend the night in the museum. I don't have my toothbrush, I don't have my multi-vitamins, and oh yeah, I don't want my soul suffering eternal damnation for disrupting the sleep of an Egyptian canal digger.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be a melted chocolate chip cookie.
Shawn Spencer: [while making something in an Easy Bake Oven] That depends. Are you a fan of delicious flavor?
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be William Zabka from "Back To School".
Shawn Spencer: The chips say you're a cheater, cheater pumpkin eater!
Shawn Spencer: Hang on Doogie. Where'd you get that juice box and does it come in grapalicious?
Shawn Spencer: The spirits tell me your little pants are on fire.
Shawn Spencer: Don't worry, Jules. I'll crack your case like an egg. Then we'll make omelets with shallots... and JUSTICE.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be a paranoid schizophrenic.
Shawn Spencer: Besides, this is a real-life television studio, Gus. What could be better?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Eating my breakfast. I was having a poached egg with hollandaise sauce on an English muffin.
Shawn Spencer: Look, we'll solve it up quick. You'll be home in no time.
[pretends to answer phone]
Shawn Spencer: Hello? Dame Judi Dench called. She wants her breakfast back.
Carlton Lassiter: Questions?
Juliet O'Hara: Is this your only lead?
Carlton Lassiter: His responses to my interrogation were hostile at best.
Juliet O'Hara: Clarify "hostile."
Carlton Lassiter: [through his teeth] Use my tone now as a guide.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be a myopic chihuahua. I have a foolproof plan that solves the case and gives the Chief all the credit.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: What is it?
Shawn Spencer: Actually, all I have is the phrase "I have a foolproof plan." Beyond that, I'm wide open.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You're taking my name off the lease and the door and these Frisbees.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be ridiculous. Look, I'm almost positive this isn't a load-bearing wall. But if you're really concerned, why don't you jump up and down in the attic to make sure?
Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be an old sponge with hair hanging off of it.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You know that's right!