Unaccompanied Minors (2006)
Donna Malone: This is so not the Christmas I had in mind.
Donna Malone: Oh, poor baby. I bet you have nice Christmases, don't you, rich kid? Where does your family go? Paris? London? Fiji?
Grace Conrad: Please. Fiji's a zoo this time of year. We go skiing in Utah.
Donna Malone: Are your folks still together?
Grace Conrad: Yes.
Donna Malone: Then I hate you.
Grace Conrad: I'm not wild about you either.
Charlie Goldfinch: Well, I love Christmas and I'm Jewish.
Timothy 'Beef' Wellington: My mom's boyfriend says that Christmas is when Frosty the Snowman fights the devil.
Donna Malone: It talks.
Valerie's Sister: You know, I know exactly what you need. A nice steaming cup of my wonderful hot cocoa.
Valerie Davenport: I've had three already and it's 80 degrees outside! Are you trying to kill me?
Valerie's Sister: Well, uh, no.
Valerie Davenport: Judy, my children are trapped in an airport on Christmas Eve. Do you have any idea how miserable they must be?
Oliver Porter: Who trained you kids? The Navy SEALs?
Spencer Davenport: Look, sir, just... Divorce kids are more resourceful than others, that's all.
Grace Conrad: [putting on her glasses] Once a dork, always a dork.
Spencer Davenport: You are so not a dork.
Charlie Goldfinch: [after Donna hits him] That's going to hurt when I pee!
Grace Conrad: Santa, me and my friends have a bet.
Handsome Santa: About what?
Grace Conrad: [Pulling down Santa's beard] I was right! You are hot!
Zach Van Bourke: Oliver, after we get these kids back on their planes, I quit.
Spencer Davenport: You're not going to be scared this time are you?
Katherine Davenport: Not after the night I've had.
Donna Malone: It's really small in here.
Charlie Goldfinch: Yeah it's great isn't it?
Grace Conrad: Charlie, just because you like to compensate for your abandonment issues by stuffing yourself into small womblike spaces doesn't mean everybody does.
[everybody looks at her]
Grace Conrad: What? My mom's a psychologist.
Donna Malone: Hey. Watch it, Dr. Evil.
Oliver Porter: Oh no, did I offend you? Well I don't know what else to call someone who commits grand theft auto, reckless driving and destruction of property all in the course of 10 minutes.
Donna Malone: Someone cooler than you'll ever be.
Oliver Porter: Oh! O-o-o-o-oh! Woo! That's fantastic! I didn't know we had Ellen DeGeneres in the house.
Charlie Goldfinch: Harvard will never accept me with a criminal record, and I am NOT going to community college.
Oliver Porter: And then, the Abominable Snowman who transforms the Emergency Equipment Center into his own private amusement park and then blames it on Aquaman? Aren't you a little old be to playing with dolls? I mean, what are you, like 40?
Zach Van Bourke: Uh, actually, Beef's 12, sir.
Oliver Porter: Good Lord.
Baggage Handler: [teasing the caged barking dog] No Christmas dinner for you, Cujo!
Flight Attendant: Girls, the pilots are down in the restaurant and they want to buy us dinner.
Flight Attendant: Captain Cohen's down there? Never too late for a fifth husband. Lets go girls!
Flight Attendant: [turns around to leave, but stops mid stride] The kids!
Mary Lynn: Don't worry ma'am, I'm a certified babysitter. I get paid 50 cents an hour.
Flight Attendant: Mary Lynn, there's a twenty in this for you.
Flight Attendant: [all the flight attendants leave for the restaurant] Captain Cohen, here I come!
Grace Conrad: If you guys get me sent back to that room, your dead!
Donna Malone: What are you gonna do, rich girl. Have your daddy hire a hit man?
Grace Conrad: Maybe I'll just have him break your dad out of jail.
Spencer Davenport: [hiding his face behind his hand] Hmmmm...
[Grace smirks at Donna, who reacts by attacking Grace and starting a fight]
Charlie Goldfinch: Girl fight! Girl fight! Oh, my gosh, it's a girl fight!
[Grace is lying on her back getting a spa treatment]
Admiral's Club Host: Excuse me. Are you unaccompanied?
Grace Conrad: I'm single. Who's asking.
Admiral's Club Host: [pointing to security guards] They are.
Grace Conrad: Are you gonna let me get dressed or should I just walk out of here naked?
Grace Conrad: Where are my friends?
Spencer Davenport: Oh, man. Where's my sister?
Oliver Porter: They went where all the good little boys and girls go for Christmas. They went somewhere nice. Where, you ask? Why, the comfortable and festive Hoover International Lodge. Which is just a few thousand yards down from this delightful little room. Which now smells like a horse died in it.
Charlie Goldfinch: Oh, so we're going to the Lodge?
Oliver Porter: Uh, I think I have an answer to your question. Are you out of your juice-drinking little minds? Have you looked outside lately? The roads are blocked because there is a little thing called a blizzard going on. That's when the sky opens up and lots of snow falls and makes it hard for people to do things. Like fly to Hawaii, for instance.
Grace Conrad: Who's going to Hawaii?
Oliver Porter: Not me. Not anymore.
Oliver Porter: I was just doing my job. You know that, don't you? I was just doing my job, just like I have for the last 15 Christmases.
Spencer Davenport: Your family must hate that.
Oliver Porter: Well that's not really a problem since my wife divorced me 5 Christmases ago.
Spencer Davenport: Is that why you don't put up the decorations?
Oliver Porter: Let's just say they don't remind me of happy times.
Katherine Davenport: [trapped at the airport] We should call Mom.
Spencer Davenport: Yeah well she's not gonna fly 2,000 miles to come get us.
Katherine Davenport: We should call Dad.
Spencer Davenport: Oh yeah, he wouldn't drive four *feet* to help us.
Spencer Davenport: We've got to get down to the lodge.
Donna Malone: How? You got 4 snowboards?
Spencer Davenport: [walks into a boat hanging from the ceiling] Ow.
Spencer Davenport: Ever watch the Winter Olympics?
Oliver Porter: [chasing the kids downhill in a kayak] Please tell me you're gonna stop at the hotel.
Spencer Davenport: Yeah, we are, but you're not!
Spencer Davenport: Nachos. Oh, my mom never lets me eat those, you know? So, an order of those. She's banned all sodas from the house, so extra, extra, extra-large root beer.
Restaurant Hostess: My mom never let me eat mozzarella sticks.
Spencer Davenport: Mine either. Two orders. On to dessert, huh?
Restaurant Hostess: You don't have a tapeworm, do you?