Ted Crawford: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Ted Crawford: My dick has evidence.
Judge Robinson: Excuse me?
Ted Crawford: My dick... my private investigator. I call him Dick.
Ted Crawford: You know, my grandfather was an egg farmer.
Willy Beachum: This isn't going to be about your, uh, "rough childhood," is it?
Ted Crawford: No, I used to candle eggs at his farm. Do you know what that is? You hold an egg up to the light of a candle and you look for imperfections. The first time I did it he told me to put all the eggs that were cracked or flawed into a bucket for the bakery. And he came back an hour later, and there were 300 eggs in the bakery bucket. He asked me what the hell I was doing. I found a flaw in every single one of them - you know, thin places in the shell; fine, hairline cracks. You look closely enough, you'll find that everything has a weak spot where it can break, sooner or later.
Willy Beachum: You looking for mine?
Ted Crawford: I've already found yours.
Willy Beachum: What is it?
Ted Crawford: You're a winner, Willy.
Willy Beachum: Yeah.
Willy Beachum: Well, I guess the joke's on me then, isn't it?
Ted Crawford: [grinning] You bet your ass, old sport.
Lt. Robert Nunally: I warned you about him.
Willy Beachum: You warned me he was smart. You didn't warn me you were stupid.
Judge Pincus: I appreciate your concern for the dignity of the court 007, Unfortunately, the man is a tax-paying citizen and entitled by our constitution to try and manipulate the legal system like everybody else.
Ted Crawford: You really need to be nice to me now, Willy.
Willy Beachum: Why?
Ted Crawford: Because... what's left of a life depends on a machine powered by a cord that leads to a plug in an electrical outlet... and I decide when it gets pulled. That's why.
Ted Crawford: I love you. Does he?
[He shoots his wife]
Willy Beachum: Did Mr. Crawford seem confused, intoxicated, or impaired in any way?
Lt. Robert Nunally: No, not at all. He knew exactly what was going on.
Willy Beachum: Detective Nunally, what did Mr. Crawford say?
Lt. Robert Nunally: He said: 'It was like I just suddenly snapped. I got the gun and I shot my wife. I shot her in the head'
Ted Crawford: [whispering into the air with his head leaned back] Objection.
Judge Robinson: I'm sorry, Mr. Crawford, did you say something?
Ted Crawford: Yes, I wish to object.
Judge Robinson: On what grounds?
Ted Crawford: [getting up] I don't know...
Willy Beachum: Your honor...
Ted Crawford: Um, I don't know what, uh, you'd call it, but, uh, they... It wasn't the first time it happened either... but, um. I, um, I don't know the, uh, legal terminology.
Judge Robinson: Well, why don't you try to explain it in layman's terms.
Ted Crawford: Um... fucking the victim.
Ted Crawford: [following uproar in court] Well, you said layman's terms!
Willy Beachum: Your honor!
Ted Crawford: I'm sorry, your honor, but what would you call it, legally, when the officer who arrested you was having sexual intercourse with your wife? You know, I think it's objectionable. It's rather disgusting is what I think, but uh... I dunno; maybe I'm wrong!"
Willy Beachum: [after discussing decorating styles with his secretary over the phone while he is in Crawford's house] What style would you say this is?
Detective Flores: Oh... I'd say homicidal modern.
Ted Crawford: And the look on his face, oh. He was trying to get her back to life. And I was pissing myself laughing. Because I took both the bastards out with one fucking bullet.
Judge Gardner: You know what nobody understands about certain kinds of low pay public service work, every now and then you get put a fucking stake in a bad guys heart. I'm not supposed to talk about that when I visit third grade classes for career day and it doesn't get you very far in the country club locker room, but its hard to beat when you actually get to do it.
Willy Beachum: I don't think the gun grew little gun legs and walked out of the house. It's in here somewhere, find it.
Willy Beachum: It happens right? People wake up, it's not impossible.
Resident: What're you gonna do, keep asking the same question different ways so you get the answer you want?
Willy Beachum: [shrugs] I guess. That's what I do.
Resident: Hm, I knew I should've gone to law school.
Ted Crawford: My dick, my private investigator. I call him Dick. Perhaps I should call him as a rebuttal witness, because since the tragedy, um, he's dug up hotel records and witnesses that confirm that my wife and Mr Nunally were having an affair. My dick is good.
Willy Beachum: Your Honour, so what if he was?
Judge Robinson: Mr Beachum.
Willy Beachum: Even if he was...
Judge Robinson: Your witness was intimate with the victim and assaulted the defendant during the arrest.
Ted Crawford: Actually, while trying to obtain my so-called confession.
Judge Robinson: Yes.
Willy Beachum: Oh, come on.
Ted Crawford: Is that a legal argument, "Oh, come on"?
Willy Beachum: Don't make me come across this table cos I will...
Ted Crawford: I just want...
Willy Beachum: Your Honour, he dictated and signed his confession at the station long after the incident, all right?
Ted Crawford: In fear for my life, since my wife's lover who had just beaten me, was in the room with his friends, and the other officers.
Judge Robinson: Was Detective Nunally present during Mr Crawford's interrogation?
Willy Beachum: Uh... he... he... he may have been, I don't know.
Judge Robinson: Because if that is indeed the case, the confessions, both of them, are out. If Nunally was there, Mr Crawford was under duress. The confessions and any evidence gathered while Mr Nunally was present will all have to be excluded as "fruit of the poisonous tree."
Willy Beachum: This... This is insane.
Ted Crawford: That's the Bible, isn't it? The fruit of the tree and all that? It's Matthew. Or is it Mark?
Willy Beachum: He set all this up. This is a setup.
Judge Robinson: I'm sorry, Mr Beachum, but I am not going to allow coerced confessions in my courtroom.
Ted Crawford: Your Honour, do you think I could go home now, with Thanksgiving around the corner?
Willy Beachum: Unbelievable.
Judge Robinson: Don't push it, Mr Crawford.
Judge Robinson: What I want to do is I'm going to give Mr Beachum a few days to come up with some new evidence, and if he can't then maybe you can go home. So we will reconvene on Monday morning. I think that's all.
Ted Crawford: Thank you, Your Honour.
Willy Beachum: I'm not going to play any games with you.
Ted Crawford: I'm afraid you have to old sport.
Ted Crawford: [refering to his private investigator] My Dick is good.
Judge Pincus: Mr Beachum. Nice to see a man who dresses for court.
Willy Beachum: I'm very sorry, Your Honour. Very sorry. It's a long story.
Judge Pincus: The people of the State of California versus Theodore Crawford.
Public Defender: Your Honour, the public defender is representing Mr Crawford for his arraignment with the understanding that he will secure private counsel for all further proceedings.
Judge Pincus: Mr Crawford, you have been charged with section 664 slash 187 of the California penal code: Attempted murder. Do you waive further eading of the complaint and complete statement of rights?
Public Defender: You do.
Ted Crawford: I do. But, l... I want...
Judge Pincus: And do you wish to enter a plea at this time?
Ted Crawford: Yes, not guilty. But I also want to waive my right to counsel and to represent myself.
Judge Pincus: Surely you won't have trouble finding an attorney, Mr Crawford?
Ted Crawford: No, but I want to do it myself.
Public Defender: Your Honour, if I can have a moment with my client.
Ted Crawford: I'm not your client. Try and keep up, will you?
Judge Pincus: Uh, Mr Crawford, you're facing some very serious charges here. I strongly urge you to retain counsel.
Ted Crawford: That's very kind but I believe I'm within my rights.
Judge Pincus: Be aware that lack of counsel will not be grounds for an appeal.
Ted Crawford: Oh, I understand. I understand.
Judge Pincus: People have an objection, Mr Beachum?
Willy Beachum: Well, Your Honour, we have a verbal and signed confession. So, I would strongly advise Mr Crawford to get a competent attorney to try and negotiate a plea.
Judge Pincus: That's pretty damning evidence, Mr Crawford. You wanna reconsider?
Ted Crawford: Absolutely not.
Willy Beachum: Huh. It's gonna turn into a circus.
Judge Pincus: I appreciate your concern for the dignity of the court, 007. Unfortunately, the man is a tax-paying citizen and entitled by our constitution to try and manipulate the legal system like everybody else.
Willy Beachum: Mr Crawford wants to go pro per, that's gonna take a while, and sadly, I won't be here for it. But the People have no objection.
Judge Pincus: Are the people ready, Mr. Beachum?
Judge Pincus: Very well. We will now proceed with opening statements. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what you hear...
Willy Beachum: Is it safe to say that the person who inflicted this wound intended to kill?
Ted Crawford: Nicely done, Willy. Truly. A regular chain of evidence. Great stuff. Vivid. Heartbreaking. The victim cries out from beyond the grave. Yeah. Jurors love all that sort of crap, don't they? I bet you don't even need a confession anymore, do you, Willy? I tell you what, though, old sport. Let's make you a new one just in case. The real deal, all the juicy details. You can get your rocks off on that, then, can't you? Huh? I shot my wife in the face, right there. She didn't look so pretty after that. And l stood there looking down at her... and l watched her eyes go all empty. I could smell the blood and the shit. Smelled like metal. And the look on his face! He was trying to get her back to life and l was pissing myself laughing... because I took both the bastards out with one fucking bullet. Yeah. And now you've got your little bullet, haven't you? Got what you want. So bring it all on, kiddo. Bring it all into court. Except you can't, can you? Let's see, now, first year law, double jeopardy. I went to trial, you lost. Oh, pity about that. It doesn't matter what you do now. It doesn't matter what you know. I mean, she could come back from the dead, you see... and testify, spill the beans, and it would mean... nothing. So you can't touch me... ever.