Yvaine: You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.
Narrator: A philosopher once asked, "Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are human?" Pointless, really... "Do the stars gaze back?" Now *that's* a question.
[the pirates have just discovered Captain Shakespeare in drag]
Skinny Pirate: What's the problem?
Captain Shakespeare: It's my reputation.
Skinny Pirate: No. No. Don't be silly. Nonsense.
Old Pirate: It's all right, Captain. We always knew you were a whoopsie.
[Tristan crash-lands on top of Yvaine]
Tristan: Mother? Oh! Oh, Mother. I'm so sorry. Are you all right?
Yvaine: No, I'm not and I'm not your mother. So get off me!
Tristan: You're not my mother?
Yvaine: Do I *look* like I'm your mother?
Tristan: No, sorry. Are you all right? Do you want some help?
Yvaine: You can help by leaving me alone!
Tristan: All right...
[he begins to walk away, talking to himself]
Tristan: Oh my God! "Light the candle and think of me". I was, I was thinking of my mo... but then Victoria and the star just popped...
Tristan: [to Yvaine] Oh, excuse me, madam, sorry, this may see strange but, have you seen a fallen star anywhere?
[she laughs bitterly]
Yvaine: You're funny.
Tristan: No, really. We're in a crater, this must be where it fell.
Yvaine: [sarcastically] Yeah, this where it fell. It is, or if you want to be really specific, up there
[pointing to the sky]
Yvaine: is where this weird bloody necklace
[she shows him the necklace around her neck]
Yvaine: came out of nowhere and knocked it out of the heavens where it was minding its own business. And over there is where it landed. And right here, *this* is where it got hit by a magical flying MORON!
Tristan: *You're* the star? You're the star? Really? Oh, wow! I'm sorry, I had no idea you'd be a... Oh, I, may I just say in advance that I'm sorry.
Yvaine: Sorry for what?
Tristan: For this.
[Tristan takes out the enchanted chain and ties it around Yvaine's wrist]
Tristan: Now, if I'm not mistaken this means you have to come with me. You're going to be a birthday gift for Victoria, my true love.
Yvaine: [sarcastically] But of course! Nothing says "romance" like the gift of a kidnapped injured woman! I'm not going anywhere with you!
[Yvaine is having a bath and Tristan surprises her]
Tristan: Excuse me.
Yvaine: [surprised] Oh!
Tristan: I think you're in my bath.
Yvaine: Close your eyes!
Tristan: [turns around and laughs] Honestly I'm not looking. Here, I'll turn away.
Yvaine: [with a towel on] Right, you can open them now.
Tristan: Did you really mean what you said in the caravan?
Yvaine: What I...? But... You were a mouse! You were a mouse... you wanted cheese! You didn't... I asked you to give me a sign!
Tristan: And risk you being too embarrassed to keep saying such lovely things?
[he kisses her forehead]
Tristan: You want to know what the Captain really whispered to me that day?
Tristan: He told me that my true love...
[Yvaine begins to glow]
Tristan: ...was right in front of my eyes. And he was right.
Yvaine: Are you tempted?
Tristan: Tempted, by what?
Yvaine: Immortality. Let's say it wasn't *my* heart. Not me. Just a star you didn't know.
Tristan: You seriously think I could kill anyone?
Tristan: I mean, even if I could... Everlasting life? I imagine it would be kind of lonely. Well, maybe if you had someone to share it with. Someone you loved. Then it might be different.
Yvaine: What do stars do? They shine.
Tristan: You know you sort of - glitter sometimes. I've just noticed it. Is it... Is it normal?
Yvaine: Let's see if you can work it out for yourself. What do stars do?
Tristan: Hmm... Attract trouble?
[Yvaine pushes him, amused]
Tristan: [grinning] All right, I'm sorry. Let me... Do I get another guess? Is it: Do they know exactly how to annoy a boy called Tristan Thorn?
Tristan: [practicing in front of a mirror] Father, I lost my job. Father, I... I lost my job, I'm sorry. Father...
Dunstan Thorn: [behind him, completing his sentence] You lost your job.
[Tristan and Yvaine are imprisoned in the pirate ship]
Yvaine: They're going to kill us, aren't they?
Tristan: I don't know.
Yvaine: You know, it's funny. I used to watch... I used to watch people having adventures. I envied them.
Tristan: You ever heard the expression "Be careful of what you wish for"?
Yvaine: What, so ending up with my heart cut out - that will serve me right?
Tristan: No, I didn't mean it like that. Look, I admire you dreaming. A shop boy like me... I could never have imagined an adventure this big in order to wish for it. I just thought I'd find some lump of celestial rock, take it home and that would be it.
Yvaine: And you got me.
[they both begin to laugh]
Yvaine: If there's one thing I've learned about all my years watching Earth, is that people aren't what they may seem. There are shop boys, and there are boys who just happen to work in a shop for the time being. And trust me Tristan, you're no shop boy. You saved my life. Thank you.
[Yvaine takes Tristan's hand]
Captain Shakespeare: [whispers] Yvaine... I know what you are.
Captain Shakespeare: Have no fear, no-one on this vessel will harm you, but there are plenty who would... Your emotions give you away, Yvaine. You must learn to control them. You've been glowing more brightly every day and I think you know why.
Yvaine: Of course I know why I'm glowing. I'm a star! And what the stars do best?
Captain Shakespeare: Well, certainly not the waltz.
[Tristan approaches to dance with Yvaine. When they start to dance, Yvaine begins to glow. While they dance, they stop]
Tristan: Now try.
[he dances pretty well with her]
Yvaine: Very good.
[they keep dancing]
[Tristan and Yvaine are imprisoned in the pirate ship]
Yvaine: Tell me about Victoria, then.
Tristan: Well, she... she... There's nothing more to tell you.
Yvaine: The little I know about love is that it's unconditional. It's not something you can buy.
Tristan: Hang on! This wasn't about me buying her love. This was a way for me to prove to her how I felt.
Yvaine: Ah... And what's she doing to prove how she feels about you?
Tristan: Well... Look, Yvaine, you'll understand when you meet her, all right? If we don't get murdered by pirates first.
Yvaine: Mmm... Murdered by pirates. Heart torn out and eaten. Meet Victoria. I can't quite decide which sounds more fun...
Narrator: They ruled for 80 years. But no man can live forever, except he who possesses the heart of a star, and Yvaine had given hers to Tristan completely. When their children and grandchildren were grown, it was time to light the Babylon Candle.
[there is a flash of light from inside the royal quarters, the camera then pans up to the sky where two brighter stars have appeared]
Narrator: And they still live happily ever after.
Captain Shakespeare: And, Yvaine, I have some lovely dresses; take your pick.
Yvaine: [surprised] I'm fine.
Captain Shakespeare: [quietly] Honey... you're wearing a bathrobe.
[Lamia is about to cut out Yvaine's heart]
Tristan: Yvaine, hold me tight and think of home.
[Tristan lights his Babylon candle. They escape, but end up on a cloud in the middle of nowhere]
Tristan: What the hell did you do?
Yvaine: What did *I* do? What did *you* do? "Think of home"? That was a GREAT plan! You thought of your home and I thought of mine and now we're halfway between the two!
Tristan: Well you stupid cow! What did you think of your home for?
Yvaine: You just said "home"! If you'd wanted me to think of *your* home you should have said!
Tristan: Some crazy lady was going to cut your heart out and you wanted more specific instructions? Perhaps you'd want it in writing - or a diagram, maybe?
[Shakespeare and his men are selling collected lightning bolts to Ferdy, their fence]
Captain Shakespeare: So! Name your best price.
Ferdy the Fence: For 10,000 bolts?
Captain Shakespeare: 10,000 bolts of finest quality Grade A.
Ferdy the Fence: Yeah, but it's difficult to shift, isn't it? Difficult to store. If I get the revenue man in here sniffing around. Uhmmm... Best price: 150 Guineas.
Captain Shakespeare: [to his crew] Gentlemen, put the merchandise back on board and prepare to sail.
Ferdy the Fence: Whoa, whoa! Hold on. Hold on. One minute, Cuddles. 160? 160.
Captain Shakespeare: Seeing as I'm feeling particularly generous today, I'll settle for 200.
Ferdy the Fence: 200? Okay, you're having a laugh.
Ferdy the Fence: Have you had your head in that? Has he been staying up where the air's too thin?
Captain Shakespeare: [darkly] You're being very rude.
Ferdy the Fence: Not any more.
Captain Shakespeare: 200.
Ferdy the Fence: 180.
Captain Shakespeare: 200.
Ferdy the Fence: That's not negotiation! I'm changing my number! 185.
Captain Shakespeare: Did I hear 200?
Ferdy the Fence: From you, you did. Yeah.
Captain Shakespeare: You said 200?
Ferdy the Fence: If I did, you're a ventriloquist. Okay, 195. Final offer.
Captain Shakespeare: 195 it is.
[they shake hands to seal the deal]
Captain Shakespeare: So, with sales tax, that's... let's see... 200.
Ferdy the Fence: [resignedly] Brilliant. Put it in the back.
Guard: [at the wall] I'm charged with guarding the portal to another world, and you're asking me to just let you through!
Young Dunstan Thorn: Yes. Because, let's be honest, it's a field. Look,
[the guard points to the field at the other side of the wall]
Young Dunstan Thorn: Do you see another world out there? No, you see a field. Do you see anything non-human? No. And you know why? Because it's a field!
Guard: Hundreds of years this wall's been here. Hundreds of years this gap's been under a twenty-four-hour guard.
Young Dunstan Thorn: Well...
[the guard interrupts him]
Guard: One more word, and I'll have you up in front of the village council!
Young Dunstan Thorn: Well that... that sounds rather final... I suppose I'd better just go home then...
Guard: Right then. Night, Dunstan.
[Dunstan begins to walk away]
Guard: Give my best to your father.
[Suddenly Dunstan turns around and runs and crosses the wall]
Guard: Stop! Stop!
[Dunstan keeps running]
Guard: Dunstan Thorn, not again!
Tristan: It's Tristan, actually.
Guard: Oh. You do look a bit like your father. And I suppose you intend to cross the wall as well, do you? Well you can forget it - go home!
Tristan: Cross the wall as well as who?
Guard: No one. Nobody.
[Tristan walks to cross the wall]
Guard: Nobody crosses the wall! You know that! Everybody knows that.
Tristan: You know, I know. I understand. Nobody. Well I better head for the old homestead, then.
Guard: Good night, then. Good night, Tristan.
Tristan: Good night.
[Tristan begins to walk away]
Guard: Give my best to your father.
[Tristan turns around and runs to cross the wall like Dunstan had done but the guard stops him and begins to hit him with his wooden cudgel. Tristan ends up on the ground]
Guard: [casually] Off you go.
[Septimus walks towards the sea-shore]
Lackey: Your Highness, the soothsayer, as you requested.
Septimus: [to the soothsayer] South you said. South we went. Still no stone. Do you now propose we start swimming?
Soothsayer: Sire, I've merely relayed to you what the runes have told me. I can do no more.
Septimus: Well, consult them again.
[the soothsayer is about to do so when Septimus halts him]
Septimus: Wait! Before we seek the stone... I have another question: Am I the seventh son?
[the soothsayer throws the runes and reads them after they fall with three joined together and one leaning away, with the runic symbols uppermost]
Septimus: Another question. Is my favourite colour blue?
[the soothsayer throws the runes once more and reads them]
Septimus: Has excessive begging or pleading ever persuaded me to spare the life of a traitor?
[the soothsayer nervously throws the runes and is afraid when they turn over scattered away from each other, with the blank side uppermost]
Septimus: What does that mean?
Soothsayer: That means "no".
Septimus: Good! Throw them again. This time throw them high.
[the soothsayer throws the runes high in the air]
Septimus: [while the runes are mid-air] Do you work for my brother?
[the runes come down. Septimus removes his dagger and kills the luckless soothsayer, implying that indeed, the runes say "yes."]
Septimus: So, do we continue west?
[He throws the runes up again]
Captain Shakespeare: I'm taking the girl to my cabin, and mark my words anyone who disturbs me for the next few hours will get the same treatment.
Skinny Pirate: What? You'll...
Captain Shakespeare: No, you idiot. I'll sling you over the side as well!
Bishop: [toasting the princes] To the new King of Stormhold. Whichever of you fine fellows it might be.
[they acknowledge him and sip their grog. The Bishop chokes and collapses forward, dead]
[Tertius chortles nervously as they eye each other suspiciously; his eyes suddenly open wide; he chokes and falls forward, dead]
Septimus: [to Primus] You!
[Septimus clutches his throat and chokes, falling backward onto floor; Primus smiles, incredulous, picks up the crown as if to put it on his head. Just as he is about to put it on, Septimus bursts out laughing and rises to his feet]
Septimus: You really thought you were king!
Primus: *You* killed the bishop.
Septimus: No, Primus, I think you'll find that *you* killed the bishop, by drinking out of the wrong cup. Oh look... when you finish wrestling with your conscience, may I suggest you return to your chamber. Leave the quest for the stone to me.
Voice of the stars: [to Tristan as he's sleeping, causing him to see it] Tristan. Tristan. Yvaine is in grave danger. A unicorn came to help her, but now they're heading into a trap. No star is safe in Stormhold. The last one fell 400 years ago and was captured by the same witches who seek Yvaine now. They tricked her, cared for her, and when her heart was once more aglow they cut it from her chest and ate it.
[he jerks awake]
Voice of the stars: There's no time to waste. A coach is coming. By any means possible you must get on it. Run!
Septimus: [briefing his men] Now remember Captain Shakespeare has a fearsome reputation.
[cuts to scenes of Captain Shakespeare painting a heart on his face and then dancing to the Can Can, dressed in a frock and a feather boa, intertwined with scenes of Septimus's men attacking Shakespeare's crew only to get overpowered]
Septimus: [enters the cabin and sees the Captain in drag] What the hell is this?
[Tristan is dazed just after returning to human form]
Yvaine: I think I preferred "Mother".
[outside the witches' castle]
Septimus: [as he holds a sword to Tristan's throat] Who are you? What business do you have here?
Tristan: [he sees the number 7 mark on Septimus' hand] Septimus... I knew your brother, Primus.
Septimus: Unless you wish to meet him in the afterlife, I suggest you answer my question. What are you doing here?
Tristan: I might ask you the same thing!
[Septimus realises that Tristan is holding a butter knife to his gut]
[they both lower their weapons and peer through the window]
Septimus: There are four of them. Do as I say and we may stand a chance.
Tristan: Wait! How do I know you can be trusted?
Septimus: You don't. Why? Do you have a choice?
Septimus: Well then, let's go.
Tristan: [Tristan goes to see Victoria on her birthday, picks up a small stone for the window to call her as he used to, then smiles, drops the stone and knocks on the front door, Victoria answers] Happy birthday.
Victoria: [Looking pleasantly astonished at Tristan's transformation] What happened to you?
Tristan: I've found the star.
Victoria: I can't believe you did it. Where's my star? Can I see it? Is it beautiful?
[Tristan reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lock of Yvaine's hair, wrapped in a small piece of white cloth. He gives it to Victoria]
Victoria: Well, it's awfully small.
Tristan: Well, that's just a little piece - a token for your birthday.
Victoria: Well... Well, then forget about the star. It's not the star that I want.
Victoria: [she puts her arms around him]
Victoria: You know what I want.
[they are about to kiss but he pulls away from her]
Tristan: Yeah, I do. You want to grow up and get over yourself.
Victoria: [indignantly] Well! Oh!
[Humphrey appears around the corner and at the sight of Tristan drops a medium sized box wrapped in red wrapping paper that was suspended from his left hand]
Humphrey: Thorn. You must have a death wish.
[Humphrey then unsheathes a small, thin sword. Tristan unsheathes a much larger and and brandishes it menacingly]
Humphrey: [backing down] Ah...
Tristan: [looking amused] Humphrey. Humphrey, it's all right. She's all yours. You really are a perfect couple. The best of luck to you both.
[Victoria looks inside the cloth containing the token that Tristan has given her]
Victoria: [ungratefully] Why would I want this? It's just a measly handful of stardust.
Secundus: [as he overlooks the balcony] I see the kingdom, father. The whole of Stormhold.
Secundus: *My* kingdom?
King: Maybe... Look up.
[Secundus looks up to the sky. The king looks to Septimus. Septimus smiles and pushes Secundus off the balcony. The King laughs uproariously]
Lamia: Limbus grass! You dare to steal truth from my lips by feeding me Limbus grass! Do you have any idea what a big mistake you've made, Ditchwater Sal?
Ditchwater Sal: [scared] How do you know my... Who are you?
Lamia: Look again.
[Lamia shows her true identity]
Ditchwater Sal: [kneeling before Lamia] I shall not seek the star, Your Dark Majesty. I swear.
Lamia: Seek all you wish.
Lamia: [casting a spell] You shall not see the star, touch it, smell or hear it. You will not perceive her even if she stands before you. Pray you never meet me again, Ditchwater Sal.
[a girl gives a cup to Tristan as he is stabling Primus's horses]
Tristan: Thank you. That's so kind. My name's Tristan. What's yours?
Girl Bernard: [in his own voice] Bernard.
Yvaine: [to Captain Shakespeare] I can't believe your crew fell for that. And where in God's name did you get that mannequin?
[to Ditchwater Sal after she has turned Tristan into a mouse]
Yvaine: Would I be correct in thinking that you can neither see nor hear me? Then I'd like to tell you that you smell of pee. You look like the wrong end of a dog. And I swear, if I don't get my Tristan back as he was, I'll be your personal poltergeist!
Lamia: You'd better be telling the truth, you two-faced dog.
Ferdy the Fence: I can get you one of them, actually. Very good guard dogs. They can watch the back and the front door at the same time.
[Dunstan walks round the market at Stormhold. He sees a beautiful lady and stares at her. An older woman talks to him]
Ditchwater Sal: [to Dunstan] I don't deal with time wasters.
Ditchwater Sal: [to her slave girl] Get over here and tend this stall. I'm off to "The Slaughtered Prince" for a pint.
[Ditchwater Sal walks away and the slave girl approach Dunstan]
Slave Girl: See anything you like?
Young Dunstan Thorn: [seeing her] Umm... Definitely.
[the slave laughs]
Young Dunstan Thorn: I mean. What, wha-wha-what I meant was...
[he sees some flowers]
Young Dunstan Thorn: These ones, the blue ones. How-how much are they?
Slave Girl: They might be the colour of your hair. Or they might be all of your memories before you were three. I can check if you like. Anyway, you shouldn't buy the bluebells.
[she takes a white flower]
Slave Girl: Buy this one instead. Snowdrop. It'll bring you luck.
Young Dunstan Thorn: But what does that cost?
Slave Girl: This one
[meaning the flower]
Slave Girl: costs a kiss.
[the slave girl places the flower in Dunstan's jacket. He is going to kiss her on her cheek, but she turns her mouth towards his. They kiss passionately]
Slave Girl: Is she gone?
[meaning Ditchwater Sal]
Slave Girl: Follow me.
[she walks to the caravan behind her and Dunstan follows her. He notices she has a chain tied round her ankle]
Slave Girl: I'm a princess. Tricked into being a witch's slave. Will you liberate me?
[Dunstan cuts the chain, but it fastens itself again]
Slave Girl: It's an enchanted chain. I'll only be free when she dies. Sorry.
Young Dunstan Thorn: Well... If I can't liberate you. What do you want of me?
[she gives him her hand and they both climb into the caravan as the camera pans rapidly backwards and upwards]
Mormo: There is someone following your tracks.
Lamia: A Witch? A Warlock?
Mormo: A Prince and he's catching you up. Get a move on.
[the guard knocks at Dunstan's door. Dunstan opens it]
Guard: This was left at the wall for you.
[the guard gives to Dunstan a basket which contains a baby]
Guard: Says here his name is Tristan.
Tristan: Don't you ever sleep?
Yvaine: Not at night. May have escaped your notice, genius, but that's when the stars have rather better things to do. They're coming out, shining, that sort of thing.
Tristan: Yeah, well, it may have escaped yours, but you're not in the sky anymore. Coming out is off the agenda. Shining has been suspended until further notice. Oh, and sleeping during the day is O-U-T. Unless you have some magical ability to sleep while you're walking.
Yvaine: Have you not got it into your thick head yet? I'm not walking anywhere!
[Tristan and Victoria are sipping champagne under the stars]
Victoria: Do you know, Humphrey's going all the way to Ipswich to buy me a ring.
Tristan: Ipswich? Victoria I'm talking about London or Paris or... A ring? Why is he... What kind of a ring?
Victoria: The word is he's planning to propose to me on my birthday.
Tristan: [crestfallen] He's going to... And you're gonna say yes?
Victoria: [laughs] Well I can't exactly say no after he's gone all the way to Ipswich.
Tristan: "All the way to Ipswich"? Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I'd cross oceans or continents.
Tristan: Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I would go to the gold fields of San Francisco and bring you back your weight in gold. I'd go to Africa and bring you back a diamond as big as your fist. Or I'd go to the Arctic and I'd slaughter a polar bear and bring you back its head.
[Victoria has been moving closer, about to kiss him, but suddenly she recoils]
Victoria: [disgusted] A polar bear's head? Ugh! You're funny, Tristan.
[they look up into the sky]
Victoria: Oh, Tristan! A shooting star. Beautiful.
Tristan: More beautiful than a fancy ring from Ipswich? Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I'd cross the wall and bring you back that fallen star.
Victoria: You can't cross the wall. Nobody crosses the wall. Now you're just being silly.
Tristan: I'm not being silly. I'd do it. For you, I'd do anything.
Victoria: [thinking] Hmmm. My very own star. It seems we have ourselves an agreement. You have exactly one week or I'm marrying Humphrey.
[Secundus has just been murdered and has become a ghost, joining his other dead brothers]
Secundus: [trying to laugh off his brothers' frosty stares] Oh, please, you're not annoyed at that whole murder thing, are you? I mean, that was ten years ago.
Quartus: Great deal of good it did you, killing me, Secundus. Because now, of course, you're King of all Stormhold. Oh sorry, wait, no you're not - you're dead!
[deleted scene - the ghosts of Secundus, Quartus, and Sextus are standing in the crater next to an unconcious Yvaine]
Secundus: With all due respect to father, that window thing was a rotten trick!
Sextus: Excuse me? At least you had a chance! Quartus murdered me while I was asleep!
Quartus: How many times do I have to tell you? It was Septimus!
[the ghost of Tertius, recently poisoned, appears]
Quartus: [to Tertius] Don't speak - don't say a word! Let me guess; Septimus?
Tertius: [shrugs, then notices the stone lying next to Yvaine] The stone!
[tries to pick it up and fails]
Tertius: I can touch it! I can feel it, I just can't *shift* it! It's like it's too heavy...
[looks up at his brothers, tearfully]
Tertius: You look like a bunch of FREAKS!
Secundus: Hold on... there are five of us now! We could do it together!
Quintus: We *tried* it before - it didn't work!
Secundus: But Tertius wasn't here, there were only four of us! Come on!
[all of them gather around the stone and grab it, attempting to lift it - unbeknownst to them, Yvaine sits up]
[all groan and give up]
[Yvaine sees the stone and goes to pick it up]
[she picks it up]
[Yvaine fastens it around her neck]
Quartus: [sighing] Well done, everyone.
[all of them sigh and collapse - Tertius lies down in Quintus' lap]
Quartus: No, you were right, though - it was definately better with five of us.
Quartus: I mean, that's the closest we've come to actually *moving* anything!
[Tertius, in Quintis' lap, looks irritated. Quintus looks down at him]
Quintus: [soothingly] Shhh...
Primus: [pointing at his penis] They say it's the biggest in all the kingdom.
King: Only he of royal blood can restore the ruby. And the one of you who does so, shall be the new king of Stormhold.
[Tristan is on the ground and Primus has his sword at his throat]
Primus: If Septimus insists on sending a boy to do a man's job...
Tristan: No! Please, I don't know Septimus. I just need a lift. Look at me, I'm unarmed. Please. Please, let me ride with you.
[Primus returns to his carriage and Tristan stands up and follows him]
Primus: I'm afraid that's impossible. I'm on a quest of enormous importance.
[Gets on the carriage]
Tristan: All the better reason to take me with you. Maybe you'll need a second pair of hands. Sir, please. Maybe Providence sent me to you as it sent you to me.
Primus: Get on.
Primus: [speaking of his father] There was not a horse or beast he could not master. So much so that in his youth, he took to riding a camel... which was comical.
Tristan: [while he and Victoria are drinking champagne] You know... an interesting fact, actually - the first champagne glass was molded on the left breast of Marie Antoinette.
[Victoria stares at him, disgusted]
Tristan: I don't know if there was something wrong... with her right one...