This electrifying, swashbuckling sex-adventure takes you on a humorous and mystical journey through haunted seas and deep into the abyss of our most lustful desires. The biggest epic in the history of adult films.
Title: Pirates (Video 2005)
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| Cast overview, first billed only: | |||
| Jesse Jane | ... | Jules | |
| Carmen Luvana | ... | Isabella | |
| Janine Lindemulder | ... | Serena (as Janine) | |
| Devon | ... | Madelyn | |
| Teagan Presley | ... | Christina | |
| Evan Stone | ... | Capt. Edward Reynolds | |
| Tommy Gunn | ... | Capt. Victor Stagnetti | |
| Kris Slater | ... | Manuel Valenzuela | |
| Austyn Moore | ... | Angelina | |
| Jenaveve Jolie | ... | Pirate Dancer | |
| Steven St. Croix | ... | Marco | |
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Nhan | ... | Wu Chow |
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Frank Bukkwyd | ... | Oxford |
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Brian Surewood | ... | Gino |
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Harry Bali | ... | Priest |
Swash and unbuckle. In 1763, the Caribbean is awash in pirates. The worst is Stagnetti, backed by his bloodthirsty first mate, Serena. He wants the Scepter of Inca, which gives its owner great powers. To remove it from remote Calaveras Island, he needs the Dagger of Ataljuapa as well as the aid of a descendant of the family to whom the Scepter was entrusted. So, he kidnaps Manuel Valenzuela, honeymooning with the lovely Isabella. On Stagnetti's trail are pirate hunters, Captain Edward Reynolds and Jules, his commander. Edward's a bit clueless, but he does rescue Isabella. Once Stagnetti has the Dagger, the stage is set for the clash of good and evil. Written by <jhailey@hotmail.com>
I love film, I really do. It fascinates me to see, literally see what works.
Porn baffles me, because it is so popular. Oh, there's porn films from the 70s that really impress, some of them. And you'll often stumble across really intelligent films made by folks with clever ideas that could only get funded if there is panting and jizz in them.
But the modern stuff is just plain boring, visually and every other way. The only porn film I've seen in the modern era that impressed me was "Fashionistas" and that really did. It was actually a movie (a good one) and porn (S&M) where the two blended well. So I anticipated this with some rather high expectations.
And I was partly rewarded. The writing is very clever, with some great lines. One actor alone in this (Evan Stone) is good, but he is very good, on the level of the pros in theater films. With a little bit of attention, this could have been a good movie and maybe even a hit.
The blonds (all blonds!) all looked and acted the same, having gotten their boobs at the same store. Ho hum. Seen one saucersized aureole, you seen em all.
But here's the thing. Porn movies like this follow the model of movie musicals (based on stage musicals). That's where the story chugs along until hitting a tripwire. Then reality shifts and you enter a song, which may have some relationship to the story or not. But the main point is reality shifts. Then it shifts back and the people on the street stop being a chorus and again become passers by.
Same with porn like this. The story chugs along until it is time for sex. But this isn't sex between people. It isn't real sex at all, instead a sort of performance, a display put on for the audience like a song. The same sorts of limits apply, even the same time periods. There's a standard vocabulary: this and then this and then that. Only in this case, the sex has nothing much to do with the story; the story is presumably something to entertain you in between titillations.
Oh well. Give Even his due. He acts, and it even carries over to what he does with his member. I wish him well.
Ted's Evaluation -- 1 of 3: You can find something better to do with this part of your life.