- Jenna: Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness to it.
- Jenna: Cal, are you happy? I mean, when you call yourself a happy man, do you really mean it?
- Cal: You ask a serious question, I'll give you a serious answer: Happy enough. I don't expect much. I don't get much, I don't give much. I generally enjoy whatever comes along. That's my answer for you, summed up for your feminine consideration. I'm happy enough.
- Earl: Hey. You remember what I said - don't you go lovin' that baby too much.
- Jenna: I don't love you, Earl. I haven't loved you for years. I want a divorce.
- Earl: [laughs] Well, that's not a funny joke. You got this new baby here, you shouldn't be making jokes like that...
- Jenna: I want you the hell out of my life. You are never to touch me, ever again; I am done with you. If you ever come within six yards of me, I will flatten your sorry ass and I'll enjoy doin' it.
- Jenna: [singing to her toddler daughter Lulu] Baby don't you cry, gonna make a pie, gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle/Baby don't be blue, gonna make for you, gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle/Gonna make a pie from heaven above, gonna be filled with strawberry love/Baby don't you cry, gonna make a pie, and hold you forever in the middle of my heart.
- Jenna: Dear Baby: If I was writing you a letter, it would probably sounds something like an apology. I know everyone deserves a mama who'd want a nice baby such as yourself... who was also a good wife, a fine member of a society. And I can't rightly say that I'm any of that. And I'm not sure the world is scuh a fine place to bringing you. Many of the people I've met are not worth meeting. Many of the things that happened are not worth living through. And you shouldn't take it personal, Baby... if I don't seem like all the other mama-to-be, jumping all over themselves with joy. I frankly don't know what I got to give you, Baby. What if I leave Earl, and don't win that contest next week, and don't have money? What the hell am I gonna give you then? All my life, Baby, the only thing I wanna do is run away. What kind of mama is that? I wish I could think other things, Baby, like excitement that you with me now... or faith that I'll be a good mama... even if my life ain't such a good place, and the world as I see it ain't so pretty like they'd have you believe in this book. Anyway, writing this letter to you, sounds more like a letter writing to me, don't it? Love, Mama.
- Jenna: Dr. Pomatter?
- Dr. Pomatter: Yes, Jenna?
- Jenna: I just want to make sure we're clear about one thing.
- Dr. Pomatter: What's that, Jenna?
- Jenna: I want drugs. I want massive amounts of drugs. I want the maximum legal limit of drugs.
- Dr. Pomatter: Noted and understood.
- Jenna: I Hate My Husband Pie... You take bittersweet chocolate and don't sweeten it. You make it into a pudding and drown it in caramel
- Dr. Pomatter: I want to talk to you, somewhere outside of here. Maybe we can have a coffee or something?
- Jenna: I can't have coffee, it's on the bad food list you gave to me. What kind of doctor are you?
- Old Joe: [after reading a news column about a woman contemplating suicide] Oh I love living vicariously through the pain and suffering of others.
- Dr. Pomatter: I could find the whole meaning of life in those sad eyes
- Jenna: Wow...
- [she looks up at him in wonder before giving in to a romantic kiss]
- Becky: If you havent noticed, my right boob is way up here in Maine and my left boob is danglin' down here in Florida.
- Old Joe: You with child?
- Jenna: Shh! Quiet!
- Old Joe: I seen that look on a woman's face before. Name was Annette. I made sweet sweet love to her all through the summer of 1948. She had that look on her face like you got all through the fall. I almost married her right up. She lost the baby, though. Close call.
- Jenna: [voiceover] Dear damn baby, If you ever want to know the story of how we bought your damn crib, I will tell you. Your crib was bought with the money that was supposed to buy me a new life. Every time I lay you down in that damn crib, I'm gonna think, 'Damn baby. Damn Crib. Me stuck like a pin in this damn life.'
- Jenna: Well, Cal, it seems that I'm almost five months pregnant.
- Cal: Yeah? And?
- Jenna: And... I thought I should tell you.
- Cal: Heck, I already knew that.
- Jenna: You did?
- Cal: Yeah. Heck, I thought everyone knew.
- Jenna: Well who told you?
- Cal: Nobody needed to tell me. I mean look at you. What, you think I thought you went and let yourself get fat? Truth is, as long as you can carry a tray and fill a pie tin I don't care if you give birth while doing it. Maybe I'm not such a bad guy after all?
- Jenna: Maybe you're not such a bad guy after all.
- Cal: Well get out there Jenna, get back to work, we've got customers!
- Dr. Pomatter: So, what seems to be the problem?
- Jenna: Well, I seem to be pregnant.
- Dr. Pomatter: Good! Good for you. Congratulations!
- Jenna: Thanks, but I don't want this baby.
- Dr. Pomatter: Oh, well, we don't perform...
- Jenna: No, I'm keeping it, I'm just telling you I'm not so happy about it like everybody else is. So if you could be sensitive and not congratulate me or make a big deal every time you see me. I'm having the baby, and that's that. It's not a party though.
- Dr. Pomatter: Got it, okay. Not a party.
- Earl: Open the cabinet where the coffee and the sugar jars are.
- Jenna: I dont want...
- Earl: [shouting] Just open it!
- [Jenna opens the cabinet, and money falls out]
- Earl: What is that, Jenna? What is that?
- Jenna: Money.
- Earl: It's all over the fuckin' house! In cabinets, in drawers, under chairs, in closets! Money hidden all over my house!
- Jenna: [whispering] I'm sorry.
- Earl: After everything I've done for you, you go and hide money from me?
- [falls to his knees, sobbing]
- Earl: You're the only thing I ever loved, Jenna. You're the only person that ever belonged to me. And you having a secret from me tears me up.
- Jenna: Pregnant Miserable Self Pitying Loser Pie... Lumpy oatmeal with fruitcake mashed in. Flambé of course
- Jenna: Cal?
- Cal: Yeah?
- Jenna: Are you happy? I mean, would you call yourself a happy man?
- Cal: Well if you're asking me a serious question, I'll tell you: I'm happy enough. I don't expect much, I don't give much, I don't get much I'm generally enjoy whatever comes up. That's my truth, summed up for your feminine judgment. I'm happy enough.
- Dawn: They are poems that just occur to him on the spot. Last night he said to me, "Dawn, your face is a brilliant moon in my empty room. Your love is like a beating drum. Ba bum ba bum ba bum ba bum."
- Old Joe: If I'd ever met a girl like you, Jenna, my whole life would have been different. You don't even know what you are deep inside. You're not just some little waitress. You understand what I'm saying?
- Jenna: Not at all, no.
- Old Joe: I'm saying, my whole life I spent lost. If a sign said "go this way", I'd go the other way. Time after time after time. I turned the wrong corner, made the wrong choice, went the wrong way, like a chicken without a head. You understand?
- Jenna: You was a chicken without a head?
- Old Joe: Pie lady, listen to me. This life will kill you. I'm saying, make the right choice. Start fresh, it's never too late. Start fresh.
- Jenna: I ain't got no money, Joe.
- Old Joe: Who the hell does anymore?
- Jenna: I'm about to have me a baby.
- Old Joe: I know you are, Jenna. I know you are. I was just dreaming a little for you, 'cause... all my dreams is gone.
- Old Joe: Give me a smile, Jenna. Nobody makes strawberry chocolate pie the way you do. Wednesday's my favorite day of the week 'cause I get to have a slice of it. I think about it as I'm waking up. Could solve all the problems with the world, that pie.
- Jenna: You're making too much of it. It's just a pie.
- Old Joe: Just a pie? It's downright expert, a thing of beauty. How each flavor opens itself one by one, like a chapter in a book. First the flavor of an exotic spice hits you, just a hint of it. Then you're flooded with chocolate, dark and bittersweet, like an old love affair. And finally strawberry, the way strawberry was always supposed to taste, but never knew how. In fact, I'll tell you what. Forget all the other stuff I ordered, just bring me the damn pie. That's all I want. I don't care if it isn't a well-balanced meal, just bring me the pie. Old Joe'll maybe not have much longer to live, you know?
- Jenna: Then I'd better bring you the pie right away.
- Old Joe: Yessum, you better.
- Jenna: What are you doing here?
- Dr. Pomatter: Took the whole day off. I don't know, I wanted to see you. You look awful.
- Jenna: Thanks.
- Dr. Pomatter: No, I mean, you look sad. You look real sad.
- Jenna: It's taken you a long time to notice this but, uh, I'm not a happy woman, Dr. Pomatter. And I don't want you to save me.
- Dr. Pomatter: I don't wanna save you.
- Jenna: Don't wanna be saved.
- Old Joe: [after Earl showed up and yelled at Jenna] You wasn't exaggerating. Your husband *is* terrible.
- Jenna: Hi, Joe. How ya doing today, my friend? What can I get you?
- Old Joe: This is *my* pie diner. I own it.
- Jenna: I know you do, Joe.
- Old Joe: And I think it's warm in here. I know I'm warm.
- Jenna: I'll tell Cal, hon.
- Old Joe: They keep all my businesses too warm on the inside. My gas station, my supermarket, my laundromat. But this is my favorite business; Joe's Pie Shop. I'm Joe, and I will not tolerate it being too damn warm in here.
- Jenna: I hear ya, Joe.
- Old Joe: Turn the air on!
- Jenna: Yessiree, bub.
- Cal: Don't you have customers?
- Jenna: How come you can't ever say one nice thing to me like 'how are you, Jenna', or 'nice to see you today, Jenna', or 'great apple pie today, Jenna'? All you ever say is stuff like 'don't you have customers?', 'get out of the kitchen', 'get back to work'.
- Cal: Don't you have customers? Get out of the kitchen. Get back to work.
- Becky: Good, cause this is my lil' adventure.
- Jenna: Your little adventure?
- Becky: Yeah, I'm having me a lil' adventure after many years of lots of nothin'
- Jenna: You love him?
- Becky: Cal? I don't know. But I love it. I love having someone to look pretty for. I love waking up and having something to look forward to. Something fun and sneaky and sexy.
- Jenna: He love you?
- Becky: He kinda likes me, kinda hates me. It's fun.
- Jenna: Doesn't sound very fun.
- Becky: He makes me forget about my invalid husband. My loneliness. The dreadful misplacement of my bosoms.
- Becky: [as Jenna waits for the results of her pregnancy test] Negative. Negative. Come on, negative. Come on!
- Dawn: Dear Lord, please protect our Jenna from the hell of unwanted pregnancy.
- Jenna: I don't need no baby. I don't want no trouble. I just want to make pies. That's all I wanna do, make pies.
- Becky: I thought you weren't sleeping with your husband no more.
- Dawn: He got her drunk one night.
- Jenna: I should never drink. I do stupid things when I drink, like sleep with my husband.
- Dawn: Leave me alone!
- Ogie: I can't leave you alone, 'cause I'm in love with you, Dawn, and you're gonna be my wife.
- Dawn: Listen to me! You make me sick! I think you're nothing but a crazy little freak and I wish you would go away and DIE!
- [diners look over and Ogie begins to cry]
- Dawn: [meekly] I'm sorry, hon.
- Jenna: I do have one question.
- Dr. Pomatter: Shoot.
- Jenna: How pregnant am I, exactly?
- Dr. Pomatter: Very pregnant. There's really only one degree of pregnancy, so to speak.
- Jenna: No, I mean how far along am I?
- Dr. Pomatter: Uh, about six weeks. Give or take.
- Jenna: Yup, that was Earl getting me drunk that night, alright.
- Old Joe: Don't you have no home?
- Jenna: Excuse me, what?
- Old Joe: I'm wonderin' if you have to sleep outside my diner 'cause maybe you don't have no home.
- Jenna: I have a home.
- Old Joe: Right. And a bad husband, I remember. You got lipstick all over your face.
- Jenna: [embarrassed] What?
- Old Joe: Your lipstick's all smudged like someone gave you a good one.
- Dawn: You gotta help me.
- Jenna: What is going on?
- Dawn: That guy, his name is Ogie, short for "Oklahoma". I was supposed to meet some guy named Pete last night, instead he sent Ogie. It was the worst five minutes of my life.
- Jenna: How can a five minute blind date be that bad?
- Dawn: He took me through the entire medical and psychiatric history of his family.
- Jenna: Oh, no.
- Dawn: And he told me he wants to marry me.
- Jenna: Oh, no!
- Dawn: Marry me! And he's not giving up, not ever giving up. First guy that pays any attention to me in years and he turns out to be the mad, stalking elf.
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