Elliot Page credited as playing...
Juno MacGuff
- Juno MacGuff: I think I'm in love with you.
- Paulie Bleeker: You mean as friends?
- Juno MacGuff: No... I mean for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know...
- Paulie Bleeker: I try really hard, actually.
- Vanessa Loring: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
- Juno MacGuff: Nah... I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
- Juno MacGuff: I'm just like losing my faith with humanity.
- Mac MacGuff: Can you can narrow that down for me?
- Juno MacGuff: I just wonder if like, two people can ever stay together for good.
- Mac MacGuff: You mean like couples?
- Juno MacGuff: Yeah, like people in love.
- Mac MacGuff: Are you having boy troubles? Because I gotta be honest with you; I don't much approve of dating in your condition, 'cause well... that's kind of messed up.
- Juno MacGuff: Dad, no!
- Mac MacGuff: Well, it's kind of skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?
- Juno MacGuff: Please stop.
- Mac MacGuff: [persisting] Tore up from the floor up?
- Juno MacGuff: That's not what it's about. I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.
- Mac MacGuff: Well, it's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy.
- [Juno nods]
- Mac MacGuff: Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
- Juno MacGuff: Yeah. And I think I've found that person.
- Mac MacGuff: Yeah sure you have - your old D-A-D! You know I'll always be there to love you and support you no matter what kind of pickle you're in... Obviously.
- [nods to her belly]
- Juno MacGuff: Dad, I think I'm just going to, like, shove out for a sec, but I won't be home late.
- Mac MacGuff: Ok. You were talking about me right?
- Paulie Bleeker: I still have your underwear.
- Juno MacGuff: I still have your virginity.
- Paulie Bleeker: Would you shut up?
- Leah: [Answers the phone] Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.
- Juno MacGuff: [On the phone with her] I'm at suicide risk.
- Leah: Juno?
- Juno MacGuff: No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
- Leah: Only the one in my pants...
- Juno MacGuff: I'm pregnant.
- Leah: What? Honest to blog?
- Juno MacGuff: Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleekers.
- Leah: It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
- Juno MacGuff: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
- Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing...
- Juno MacGuff: I don't know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D... Anyway dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
- Leah: Is this for real? Like, for real for real?
- Juno MacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.
- Leah: Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!
- Juno MacGuff: There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.
- Juno MacGuff: Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day. And I'm like, "Thanks a heap coyote ugly. This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."
- Juno MacGuff: I'm going to really start looking like a dork soon. Will you still think I'm cute if I'm huge?
- Paulie Bleeker: I always think you're cute. I think you're beautiful.
- Juno MacGuff: Wow your shorts are like especially gold today.
- Paulie Bleeker: My mom uses color safe bleach.
- Juno MacGuff: Go Carol.
- Juno MacGuff: I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while.
- Juno MacGuff: Hey, Dad.
- Mac MacGuff: Hey, big puffy version of June bug. Where you been?
- Juno MacGuff: Oh, just out dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.
- Leah: Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
- Juno MacGuff: I'm Pregnant.
- Bren: Oh, God.
- Juno MacGuff: But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
- Mac MacGuff: You're pregnant?
- Juno MacGuff: I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday... morning.
- Bren: I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
- Juno MacGuff: I, uh...
- Mac MacGuff: Who is the kid?
- Juno MacGuff: The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
- Bren: Nails, really?
- Juno MacGuff: Yeah!
- Mac MacGuff: No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
- Juno MacGuff: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
- Mac MacGuff: Paulie Bleeker?
- Juno MacGuff: What?
- Mac MacGuff: I didn't think he had it in him.
- Leah: I know, right?
- Su-Chin: I'm having a little trouble concentrating.
- Juno MacGuff: Oh well I could sell you some of my Adderall if you want.
- Su-Chin: No thanks I'm off pills.
- Juno MacGuff: That's a wise choice because I knew this girl who like had this crazy freak out because she took too many behavioral meds at once and she like ripped off her clothes, and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and was like, "Blah I am a Kracken from the sea!"
- Su-Chin: I heard that was you.
- Juno MacGuff: Well, it was good seeing ya Su-Chin.
- Juno MacGuff: [yelling through the house] Dad?
- Mac MacGuff: What?
- Juno MacGuff: Either I just peed my pants or um...
- Mac MacGuff: *Or*...?
- Juno MacGuff: THUNDERCATS ARE GO!
- Juno MacGuff: I'm just gonna go ahead an nip this thing in the bud. Cuz you know, they say pregnancy often leads to, you know... an infant
- Rollo: So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?
- Juno MacGuff: I don't know. It's not seasoned yet.
- [grabs products]
- Juno MacGuff: I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
- [shakes pregnancy tester]
- Rollo: That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet.
- Juno MacGuff: ...and the receptianist tried to get me to take these condoms that looked like grape suckers and was just babbling away about her freaking boyfiends pie balls! Oh an Su-Chin was there and she was like, "Hi babies have fingernails." Fingernails!
- Leah: Oh, gruesome. I wonder if the baby's claws could scratch your vag on the way out?
- Ultrasound Technician: Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
- Leah: Yes!
- Juno MacGuff: No!
- Leah: Pleease, Juno, please!
- Juno MacGuff: No, there will be no sex!
- Ultrasound Technician: Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
- Juno MacGuff: Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me I'll just, like, ruin everything.
- Ultrasound Technician: Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
- Juno MacGuff: No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.
- Ultrasound Technician: Oh, well thank goodness for that!
- Bren: What's that supposed to mean?
- Ultrasound Technician: I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
- Juno MacGuff: How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
- Leah: Or, like, stage parents.
- Bren: They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
- Ultrasound Technician: I guess not.
- Bren: What is your job title exactly?
- Ultrasound Technician: I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
- Bren: Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
- Ultrasound Technician: Excuse me?
- Bren: Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade.
- Juno MacGuff: Bren! You's a dick! I love it!
- [at Juno's ultrasound]
- Leah: Whoa! Check out Baby Big Head. Dude, that thing is freaky lookin'.
- Juno MacGuff: Excuse me. I am a sacred vessel, alright? All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.
- Juno MacGuff: Yeah I came as soon as I got that ultrasound goo off my pelvis. It was crazy actually, my step-mom verbally abused the ultrasound tech and we got escorted off the premises.
- Mark Loring: Vanessa gave me my own room for all my stuff.
- Juno MacGuff: She gave you... your own room in... in your whole house? For your... for your stuff? Wow, she's got you on a long leash, Mark.