Simon Says (2006) Poster

(2006)

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8/10
It's Raining Pickaxes, Hallellujah!
Coventry9 April 2007
Ah finally, here's another absurdly grotesque and over-the-top cheesy gorefest-slasher that could have come straight out of the 1980's, with its demented killer, stereotype characters and downright insane story lines! Many avid fans agree Crispin Glover is a genuine hero of the horror genre, and he obviously experienced the time of his life starring in this unspeakably nasty homage to bad B-movies & backwoods exploitation horror. Me says: Simon Rocks... and so does his equally sick-in-the-head brother Stanley. Glover stars in a double role as the redneck twin brothers Simon & Stanley, terrorizing a van full of empty-headed teenagers on their camping trip in the woods. Whilst enjoying random sex and soft-drugs, drooling Simon sneaks up on the teenagers and kills them – as well as some other unfortunate bystanders –in some of the most ingenious ways you'll ever see! Simon is particularly creative with pickaxes, as he developed several wonderful traps and ambushes all over the woods that mercilessly catapult the rusty weapons in the direction of the victims. Needless to say Simon's macabre games result in a gigantic blood bath, with gory impalement, decapitations and dismemberment. Of course, there absolutely isn't any tension or plot-development and the only story twist that is worth mentioning can easily be guessed long before it's revealed on screen. Crispin Glover (unintentionally?) finds a perfect balance between creepiness and humor. Although constantly exaggerating in performing his odd roles, he somehow occasionally manages to look creepy & menacing nonetheless. Perhaps that's just because he is Crispin Glover and always has this aura of morbidity surrounding him. One moment he's an ultra-creepy maniac who makes eyeless puppets out of his victims, yet the next he's a sneering lunatic who crushes little fluffy dogs with his feet and yells out silly lines like "You forgot to say Simon Says!!". The camping teenagers are your average routine and colorless lambs to the slaughter, including the pot-head, the muscled macho, the bimbo (who's likely to get topless at some point in the movie), the girl who always complains and the one remotely intelligent & likable chick who will presumably survive the massacre. Textbook slasher-fodder, but I couldn't possibly care less because "Simon Says" is a highly welcome return to the outlandish splatter fun of the 80's. Even the whole clichéd "family reunion" sequence near the end of the film immediately reminded me off several titles on my endless list of 80's favorites. I personally guarantee "Simon Says" is the ideal midnight-movie crowd pleaser, terrific entertainment to watch with a bunch of buddies.
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3/10
Another Absurd and Stupid Slasher
claudio_carvalho13 June 2010
The pothead Zack (Greg Cipes); the sweethearts Kate (Margo Harshman) and Riff (Artie Baxter); the slut Vicky (Carrie Finklea); and the spoiled Ashley (Kelly Vitz) travel by van to the backwoods to camp. They meet two strange graveyard diggers that advise them to leave the place otherwise they could be murdered. Then they meet the deranged retarded Simon (Crispin Glover) in the gas station and Riff has a friction with the guy. They find a paradisiac spot to camp at the riverside, but Simon and Stanley transform their holiday in a nightmarish night.

"Simon Says" is another absurd and stupid slasher that follows the style of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "Wrong Turn" and other films of this sub-genre of horror. Crispin Glover performs an annoying character that keeps saying "and you forgot to say…Simon says" (even in the end of the credits). But the most irritating in this story is the ability and invulnerability of his undestroyable character. My vote is three.

Title (Brazil): "Siga o Mestre" ("Follow the Master")
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3/10
One time watch!
amgee-8955128 January 2020
I remember watching this film years ago. It was hilarious bad then and it's still just as bad after rewatching it again. It had some good Kills! The acting was cheesy as hell. 3/10
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1/10
What The Hell Did I Just Watch?
HorrorInsideUsAll12 January 2013
I just got done watching this movie On Demand and my review can honestly be summed up in one word - crap.

I wasn't sure what to think of Simon Says at first. I really thought I was going to like it, but I couldn't have been more wrong about myself and this so-called Horror flick. I've seen my share of 'B' movies, but this one was the epitome of one and it stereotyped Horror (80's Horror at that) almost to a tee - the stoner, the promiscuous chick, the nerd and the couple.

There is not one positive thing I can say about Simon Says, other than thank God for On Demand, so I don't have to worry about having a cheesy DVD collection of Horror movies.
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5/10
Interesting for the genre lovers, skip otherwise
rust377 July 2007
To make a long story short: it's not scary, and is poor in every aspect - script, camera, directing, acting.. Moreover it tries (poorly again) to be a grotesque in a way of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre II. So Simon says: "Do not watch this movie".

Good news is that it has got a spark of creativity, i.e. some of the scenes/effects were way beyond my expectation like one with a dog, and with flying blonde. Brutal, cold blooded, blunt, not too detailed - right to what it should be.

Well, simply avoid this Simon unless you are a horror fan with some exploratory streak.
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1/10
Don't bother -- it's crap
greboca12 June 2008
I'm a devout Crispin Glover fan, and will always give a watch to anything he's in. From classics to genre oddities to mainstream pap, he's had a career that touches many points.... while the productions he's in might not all be winners, at least he can be counted-on for an entertaining (and often unique) performance.

Not so with SIMON SAYS. This movie is just dismal. Obviously shot on DV and starring a cast of poorly-played stereotypes, SIMON SAYS feels like a student-film... it tries hard at times, but just keeps failing. Story - non-existent Characters - generic and stiff Dialogue - embarrassing SFX - way wayyyy too much (unconvincing) CGI

I wanted to just stop the flick early and end my pain, but ultimately I was drawn to know what on earth Crispin Glover saw in this project. I mean, maybe he did it strictly for the money (and if this production *DID* ever have a budget, certainly most of it MUST have gone to his salary). I have to presume that's the only reason he signed-onto this pile of crap.

Avoid this one. It isn't fun, it isn't "so-bad-it's-good"... it's just a p!ss-poor piece of crap.
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3/10
Pretty bad
matches8111 January 2008
The story of "Simon says" is nothing new. Some teenagers in the wood get hunted down by some sicko. So, I didn't expect much anyway in that regard. Still, the movie disappointed me. The teenagers are just your basic clichés for this kind of movie, which is not necessarily bad, but the main problem is the main character, Simon. In my opinion he's just way overdone. The acting is almost like a caricature. So, what should be a threatening character ends up being a (sadly bad) joke. The kills are good, but that's about it. Everything else in this movie just is below par, even for the genre.

Still, with a better Simon this movie could be fun. With that guy it's more a pain to watch than anything else. Avoid this movie.
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1/10
Holy s**t what a bad movie.
tvalstar9913 July 2007
When I read the comments on this film and see the rating on IMDb I get to the conclusion that there are people who like this rubbish. Unbelievable I must say. If you are not a super fan of really bad bloody slasher movies, than don't see this movie.

Slither was a movie that was over the top and kinda stupid, but all with this tongue in cheek kind a way. Simon Say's is to straight forward simple to give me the same feeling. It's all about butchering people with pickaxes. It starts and it never ends. Dogs are being splattered and so on. It is gross, not funny because it is too simple. Killing people with pickaxes is not funny after 6 times. And that Crispin Glover dude. He seems to have a career in these movies, a cult figure so to speak. A guy who refuses a role in Back to the future II and sues Steven Spielberg is an extraordinary guy. But this is an extraordinary bad movie.
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5/10
Bizarre Backwoods Slasher
Rathko3 March 2010
A thoroughly bizarre horror movie in which a deranged Crispin Glover (is there any other kind) boobytraps a stretch of woodland with 1001 flying pickaxes and waits for a bunch of irritating teens to stumble onto the scene. I've never really understood the logic of populating a movie with completely unlikeable characters. It makes for pretty tedious viewing when the only reason for watching is not the hope that the characters survive, but that they will die sooner, rather than later. And the teens here, played by the usual bunch of pretty twenty-somethings, are some of the most irritating in horror history. Luckily, 'Simon Says' benefits from the presence of Crispin Glover, who is hilarious camping it up with a bizarre high-pitched accent that seems like a cross between English aristocracy and Louisiana Creole. He's clearly acting in a completely different movie that exists only in his own head and thank God for it. The kills are pretty creative and grizzly with a lot of messy dismemberment, but veteran writer/director Bill Dear has little interest in originality or developing any suspense or real fear. For fans of Glover's unique style, this is an often very funny must-see movie. For everybody else it's a pretty average teen slasher.
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4/10
Is this supposed to be a comedy??
dschmeding23 August 2008
First of all I saw this movie dubbed in German and German dubs of horror movies most of the time are ridiculous. In this case it somehow fit the plot and the characters. You get you basic horror movie setting... a bunch of teenagers go out to camp in the woods (Good one: "You know a romantic place at the river? Something dark and creepy where serial killers walk around?"). After the characters are introduced... funny stoner guy, hunky football guy, horny annoying chick, naive chick and the smart chick that is supposed to save the day... they stop for fuel and meet Sicko Stanley played by Crispin Glover. Crispin plays the two brothers Stanley and Simon who are the same person after all because Stanley turns out to be schizophrenic and playing the role of his dead brother Simon (whom he obviously killed like everyone else). So when they get to the camping site the usual serial killer story unfolds. That is packed with as many clichés as the opening of the movie. Girls fall down when fleeing the killer, stoner guy walks into a freezer with corpses, hunk guy gets mixed up between two girls and Stanley walks around, killing people with his crazy pickaxe catapult, stomping dogs, stabbing people, building funny dwarfs out of corpses and having a relaxing dinner with his dead rotting parents. A lot of this stuff is absolutely ridiculous, Stanley seems to have supernatural powers when pinning people to trees with pickaxes and making a human shishkebab. Some party made me laugh and reminded me of the Freddy Krueger Horror-Fun like when stoner guy is killed with a giant spliff and then set aflame. Anyway, the acting of all involved is pretty medium and the movie is not horrifying at all, although there really is some gory stuff in there. To me it came across like an extremely clichéd horror comedy that in many scenes made no sense at all (for example the dead horse woman pointing somewhere) and was stolen from loads of movies you know anyway.
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2/10
bad, bad movie
Luxxi23 April 2008
When I saw all these positive comments and talk about different movie I was expecting something similar to what Scream did for slasher genre or something like it. Boy was I disappointed.

Granted movie does have and interesting and unconventional opening but then it falls for every horror cliché around. Location, obviously. Middle of nowhere, woods. Characters are your typical group of teenagers. We don't know why they choose to camp there, we don't know who they are or practically anything about it. And you have your typical tight girl, your "friendly" girl, stoner/funny guy and so on. And of course the typical "I know there is something weird going on around here but instead of turning around and running away I'll keep poking around so I'll find bodies and body parts." While first such case is somewhat understandable the second one is beyond dumb.

Then we have death scenes. Not that gory but between dumb and impossible. When you think about them a bit you realize this is just not possible.

The ending is interesting, I'll give them that but one good moment simply can't fix overall bad impression this movie makes.

Avoid if possible
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8/10
BA_Harrison Says 'I enjoyed Simon Says'.
BA_Harrison8 July 2011
'As gory as it is irreverent' boasts the blurb on the back of the DVD for Simon Says; 'bloody and demented' claims the quote on the front; 'Phooey' says I, noticing the 15-rating awarded by the BBFC. But as it happens, it turns out that I am wrong (and once again that the BBFC are inconsistent): this film is every bit as gruesome and deranged as the cover says it is. And then some.

On the face of it, Simon Says might sound like standard, teen-friendly slasher fare—a bunch of good-looking college kids (three blokes, three babes) go camping in the woods where they are hunted by a murderous psycho with a large collection of very sharp implements—but it actually proves to be a truly one-of-a-kind experience, a seriously insane effort boasting an unexpectedly off-the-wall style, inventive graphic violence, and an unrestrained central performance from Crispin Glover that can only be described as 'unique'.

With writer/director William Dear taking such an unusual approach, and it's eccentric star acting even stranger than normal, it's understandable that many might not find this film to their taste; but if, like me, you enjoy your horror erratic and decidedly twisted, then Simon Says, with its flying pick-axe, poodle stomping splatter, should prove a satisfying watch.

7.5 out of 10, happily rounded up to 8 for a very daft but extremely entertaining showdown that sees the heroine opt for a rather unlikely hiding place.
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6/10
Strong performance by Crispin Glover .... just being himself ......
merklekranz21 December 2009
Crispin Glover has the off kilter persona to pull off crazed killer twins, and does so with glee in "Simon Says". Without Crispin's deranged, over the top performance, this movie sinks in the sea of similar slasher flicks. Five stereotypical teens are hunted and dispatched with a nice assortment of clever overkill implements. The film wallows in it's outrageousness, and that is a good thing. Relentless in his pursuit, Crispin rises to the occasion. There are short sequences of very dark humor, one involving an annoying little dog, who tries to "lend a hand". For what it's supposed to be, "Simon Says" delivers the goods. Recommended of it's type. - MERK
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8/10
Mostly for Horror Buffs and especially for Glover Fans Only.
hu6759 September 2008
A group of friends (Margo Harshman, Greg Cipes, Carrie Finklea, Kelly Vitz and Artie Baxter) decides to spin their vacation at the woods... somewhere in the middle of nowhere. They meet an odd-ball gas attendant named Stanley (Crispin Glover), which his even odder twin brother named Simon (also played by Glover). When Stanley gives them directions to the woods. His twin brothers decides to stalk these young vacationers and murder them but he has his eye on one of the vacationers... he likes so much.

Written and Directed by William Dear (Angels in the Outfield "1994", Harry and the Hendersons, If Looks Could Kill) made an enjoyable bizarre wild black slasher comedy. Glover seems to be having a ball playing two weird characters. The vacationers are likable but it was tough to like them at first expect for the stoner played by Cipes. It's certainly change of pace for Writer/Director Dear, who's certainly known for making family movies.

The Canadian DVD from VVS Films. DVD has an sharp anamorphic Widescreen (1.78:1) transfer and an strong Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound. There's some image problems in the digital transfer. DVD has no special features. Writer/Director Dear has fun creating some clever death traps and as well... moments of black comedy. Although Dear has written too much "Simon Says" jokes, which they don't always work. "Simon Says" is notable for Glover's over the top performances in two roles. Die Hard fans of his work will certainly cherish this... while others won't. Horror fans will have a blast with this. Glover's real-life father:Bruce Glover appears in a cameo in a flashback sequence. Blake Lively from "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" fame appears in a cameo near the end of the flick. Worth a look. (*** 1/2 out of *****).
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10/10
"Great Movie"
randomstuff010117 August 2007
Simon Says is definitely not your typical horror/thriller and unlike a lot of other movies in this genre this one actually has a really good story line.

I like every thing about this movie the acting, filming and scenery were really well done.

these film has comedy and a lot of cool action scenes with pickax's flying everywhere.

it's awesome! Margo Harshman who play's Kate is amazing as the lead actress and Crispin Glover who plays double role's as the crazy twin brother's Simon/Stanley is as creepy as ever!

if your a horror fan you'll love this one!

it's a great movie and i highly recommend it so check it out when you get a chance!
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4/10
I missed Scooby-Do in this one!
donbuckIII8 July 2010
I like to call this Scooby-Do Meets The OC "The Case of the Spooky Twins". In the Mystery Machine, Shaggy(Zack), Fred(Riff), Velma (Ashley) Daphne(Vicky) and Lonnie(Fred's Groupie), are fishing for gold in an abandoned, um Ghosttown. They soon meet the Gravediggers who tell them of the dangers of the place they are about to visit! Some people get offed in some mildly inventive ways (and even Scrappy-Do get's in on the action, poor pup) We even meet some characters that we weren't even introduced to that help fight the Ghost but... I won't spoil it but You may see this episode play over and over again! I like Crispin Glove from Back to the Future to his really off the wall things. His portrayal as twins is not far fetched seeing as how he had always seemed to have dual personalities. The supporting cast including the whole Liveley Family (love Red Head Robyn) are mildly entertaining but background to this plot. It could have been Freddy or Jason, But the pick axes set them aside and would have love to have seen this in a 3D style!
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7/10
Simon Says, hand up for an OK movie.
ansell-7287928 June 2021
Let's start by saying that Crispin Glover, star of Simon Says, is the real deal. He is a very accomplished actor with any number of successful cinematic notches to his credit. Then there is Simon Says.

I'm not especially taken with slasher films. They generally opt for the easy way out, cheap shocks instead of hard-earned scares. Even the good ones. Is Simon Says a good one? Well, to be fair is a long way from being the worst.

The plot is predictable. A group of 5 young adults go gold panning in the woods and run into deranged and hostile locals. Breasts and sex are mandatory. Despite the lack of plot originality there are occasions of humour that are actually funny.

Plot is pretty dispensable in this type of film. It's not what happens in terms of narrative but rather how creative the deaths can be that matters. A CD ejecting from a corpses mouth to appropriate sound effects is fairly creative I suppose.

William Dear who directed and wrote Simon Says seems to be paying homage to 80s slashers and in this he pretty much succeeds. If you liked The Forest or Cheerleader Camp you will like this. The killing and dismemberment start at only about 18 minutes in!

A lot of relevant history is covered during the credits so don't skip them. The foundational premise is that twins are intrinsically evil. When you start looking there is enough of this type of movie to constitute a genre e.g. Seconds Apart, Sisters and Goodnight Mummy. There is a fair dollop of Hillbilly Horror thrown in as well. (The less said about accents the better.)

Production values are surprisingly good.

Unlike other horror films which occupy this stratum of the horror mine, Simon Says seems to have actually employed a camera rather than a phone in the production process. Many shots are well framed and staged, the pacing is quick, I mentioned the first death at about 18 minutes, but not to the point of creating incoherence.

Given the genre and context the acting is creditable except perhaps the over-the-top Crispin Glover but he brings his own charm to his extravagant portrayal. Kelly Vitz as Ashley is probably the weak link in the acting chops department. She gets disposed of fairly quickly.

The film ends with another group of young adults turning up at the site. I am unaware of a sequel but clearly the cycle starts over again. The 80s slasher is destined to never die, to reappear over, and over again, irrespective of the decade.

If slashers are your particular peccadillo, you will find Simon Says' 87 minutes well spent.
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8/10
Fun and demented slasher
kannibalcorpsegrinder8 September 2015
Going camping in the woods, a group of friends stumble upon a deranged killer who has taken to the area as his own personal hunting ground and when he spies one of them as a potential mate, they're forced to fight him off before he slaughters them all.

This was an absolutely fun and enjoyable old-school style slasher. What this one really gets right is the action throughout here of the group coming under attack by the killers, which has a ton to like about it. The amazing part here is he fun to be had with the film utilizing their knowledge of the forest for plenty of exciting times having fun with that, as there's the early scenes out in the forest of them encountering the hitchhikers in their truck, the runners in the park and generating the full-on fun of the extended brawl against the paintball team as they fight him off with their weapons while he uses his powerful ones to wipe them out in a gloriously fun, cheesy sequence. Even the rather big sequences later on here come off rather fun of not only the two at their camp-site but also out in the woods as the encounters have a sense of fun due to the wise-cracking, joking ways but also features a demented streak a mile wide in its kills here that's a lot more enjoyable for the spectacle on display. The biggest of these tactics is the rolling log of pick-axes that comes crashing down the mountainside, which happens a couple times here delivering the fun each time, while other fun times come from the other graphic kills and bloodshed in here. This, though, really hits its stride at the end where the killers have them trapped in the abandoned campsite with the deserted look and mangled bodies creating a fine set-up for the speed-driven truck ride back to their camp for the utterly deranged family gathering that goes from the skeleton parents to tormenting her with the food and a later scene where she tries to turn the tables on them makes all of this quite fun and enjoyable here as it not only plays with a demented flair but also gets in some great violence and keeps the action rolling along here. These all give this one such a great sense of fun that it's able to overcome the film's few minor flaws. The goofy tone here might be among its biggest factors against it, as this conflicts wildly with the brutal and demented feel elsewhere here which comes from several sources, most notably the joke about being retarded not being funny. This is continually a case here where they make jokes about his condition or his antics and trying to come off as funny, and he himself doesn't add much with his antics, yelling and utterly annoying catchphrase that's plain annoying. Likewise, the other big flaw here is the rather outrageous concept for the forest traps, as while they're quite fun in execution there's something to be said for how ridiculous they actually are and it suspends disbelief somewhat. Overall, this was one of the better efforts to come along in the style in a long time.

Rated R: Graphic Violence, Graphic Language, Nudity and drug use.
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7/10
simon says sit back and enjoy
sethsteenerson26 August 2010
I thought this movie was entertaining, it had its flaws but delivers the goods. crispon glover is great at his part, i think he is an underrated actor, its good to see him on the screen( i loved Back to the future). i enjoyed the death scenes, although some were very far fetched, they were all fun to watch. could have used some more nudity, but at least we got a quick tity shot early on. i would enjoy a secon simon says. the filmmaking was alright, the river they were on is beautiful, i want to go there, maybe not with simon roaming around. my review is over, but i have to have ten lines to complete the review, so i will add that the lighting was OK, the acting was mediocre other than crispen, his acting was great. 6/10
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5/10
You have to say "Simon Says."
lastliberal26 June 2010
I am not expecting any surprises here. A group of young and beautiful people, and one real drag (Kelly Vitz), go out into the woods. Now, what do you think is going to be waiting for them?

Maybe there will be an interesting twist or two, especially since Simon, our slasher, has a real fascinating booby traps in th woods. The kind that really make a mess of the victims. And, boy, does he have a way with pickaxes!

Simon is played by Crispin Glover (The Wizard of Gore remake). He is creepy in both roles - Simon & Stanley.

Kate (Margo Harshman) makes a little mistake at the end, but it'll all work out. Simon says.
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6/10
Simon says Press STOP!!!
jared-2358 January 2008
Horrible movie. I give it a 6, because I managed to sit through the whole thing just to see what happens. I have nothing against the actors. They were all pretty good! It is the story line that is not. You want to see a better version of this type of movie? Check out Wrong Turn.

It was just your typical scary movie. Kids go camping in the woods, bad things happen. Seen it a million times. Don't get me wrong. I would watch it, but "Simon Says" did not introduce anything new to keep you interested. And on top of that the visuals were not so good...those of which it did not lack entirely.

Overall, I feel the movie could have been done much better with a revised storyline and with more personal moments from the characters that would strike more feelings in the viewers.
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