Madea's Family Reunion (2006)
Vanessa: [with Lisa] A friend of ours is being beaten by her husband and we want to know what we should do.
Madea: Before or after his funeral?
Myrtle: Family reunions are about uniting the family, bringing together the young and old. Singing and dancing and thanking God, giving him the glory. Thanking him for getting us over. As we marched up the road this afternoon, what we saw were young men gambling, fighting, cussing. Women with no clothes on gyrating all over on this land. Do you see this shack. The man and woman we were born here gave birth to this generation. They were slaves. They worked this ground, but they bought it from the widow of the slave owner and that's the kind of blood we have running though our veins. That's the stock we are made of. What happened to us. What happened to us. Who are you. Do you know who you are. What happened to the pride and the dignity and the love and respect that we had for one another. Where did it go. And how, How do we get it back. I'ma tell you. Young Black men, take your place. We need you. Your sons and daughters need you. Did you understand what I just said. You were sold off and had no choice, yes but now it's time to stay. Take your place. Now. Starting now. Starting now. Young black women, you are more than your thighs and your hips. You are beautiful, strong, powerful. I want more from you. Take your place. I want every single one of you, young man, young woman, turn to the next person standing alongside of you. Grab them and hug them and tell them that you love 'em. Tell them, 'If you need anything, come to me.' 'If you need somebody to talk to, come to me.' 'I'll give you the shoulder, I'll give you the hug. I'll feed you, I'll clothe you if you need it. That's how you start from this moment. When you leave this reunion today, you take that with you.
May: Love is many things. It's varied. One thing it is not and can never be is unsure.
Madea: I told you, you don't know how to lie. What kinda lawyer don't know how to lie? Lie and lawyer go together lie-awyer... lie-awyer!
Madea: Joe. Did that thing just push you?
Joe: Sho did. She don't know about us. We Baptist. We tear this place up.
Madea: Girl, I will set it off up in here. She don't know me. You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!
Milay Jenay Lori: I'm tired of dealing with black people. Always late. And ig'nant.
Madea: She don't know me. I'm a straight-up thug. I shot Tupac. Yes, I did. We was arguing over a parking place. I didn't kill him, though. No, that wasn't me.
Madea: You know I only go to church for two reasons, weddings and funerals, which one we gonna have today?
Joe: Don't do it, don't whup the girl. Don't do it, Mabel.
[Madea began to whipping Nikki with a bullwhip]
Madea: I told you, you! Hey, come here!
[continues whipping on Nikki]
Nikki: Okay, okay! Okay, okay, okay!
Joe: [laughs] Mabel, you're jiggling like Jello.
Madea: Turn around, here! You stop it, you better. Girl, look at me, look at me. Why wasn't you in school today?
Nikki: I went to the park.
Joe: She lied.
Madea: Why was you doing in the park? You supposed to be at the schoolhouse. Little girl, I'm not going to ask you no more.
Nikki: I'm not smart like the other kids. I can't do that stuff.
Madea: Who told you that?
Nikki: My last foster mother. She told me that the only thing I'd ever be smart enough to do is lay on my back.
Joe: Was your foster mother Jennifer? I know Jennifer, I know here. That's all she does used to do.
Madea: Shut up, Joe, I'm trying to talk to this child.
[turns back to Nikki]
Madea: The best revenge you can have on somebody that did told you something like that, is to prove them wrong.
Joe: [scoffs] Best revenge you can have is to kick their butt. That's the best revenge.
Madea: I went to that school and I got your homework... Talked to the teacher, she said this is what you have to do in the morning. So, get up there and get it done.
Madea: What do you want to be?
Nikki: I want to be a lawyer.
Madea: That's good, I might need you to get me off, after I kill him, Murder One.
Madea: [advice to Vanessa and Lisa about what to do with a bad man] Cook a big pot of grits, bring him into the kitchen, then toss the grits on him. Then after you toss them, swat him with a frying pan. You gotta get you a good balanced weight, toss and swat, toss and swat, Venus and Serena, that's called grit ball.
[Madea sending Nikki on the School Bus and she is telling everybody on the bus]
Madea: Listen up! This here's a friend of mine. And she's been telling me that few of y'all been saying some stuff about her. I'm going to tell you right now; If I catch anyone of y'all saying something, it's going to be me and you, you hear me.
Man on the Bus: Shut up, old lady!
[Madea jumps to him and continually slaps him]
Madea: All my life I had to fight... I loves Harpo. But, I'll kill him dead before I let him beat me.
[turns to Nikki]
Madea: Go on, go to school. Go on, sit down. Ain't nobody going to mess with you... Nobody.
[turns back to Man on the Bus, balls up her fist]
Madea: I'll be waiting for you at 3:00.
[points at him]
Judge Ephriam: You're her foster mother or you're a prison mother.
Madea: I'll take prison for 200, Alex.
Judge Ephriam: Bryan, does she watch your kids?
Brian: Oh, she's actually really good, she's a big diciplinarian though, but uh... they have a lot of respect for her.
Judge Ephriam: Really?
[Looks over at Nikki]
Judge Ephriam: Stand up, Nikki.
[Nikki begans to stands up]
Judge Ephriam: Mable Simmons, since you can't seem to act like you have any sense except when you're caring for somebody, meet Nikki Grady. You're her new foster mother.
Madea: The hell I am. I don't. Aw, hell no! It's a reason why god put a woman through menopause, I'm past 60... you know what that means? After that time you're not supposed to be bogged with no bad kids.
Brian: Calm down. Look, Madea, calm down.
Madea: I'm sorry, I will kill that little girl... I don't know her, I don't she might be one of them sandinistas or something. She might be one of them...
Judge Ephriam: So, You ugly anyway, old lady!
Madea: She trying to get me the electric chair already.
Nikki: Either you're her foster mother or you're a prison mother.
Madea: I'll take the prison for 200, Alex. Lock me up, hell, I'd rather be in Martha Stewart's old cell fighting for my virginity than to be sitting there dealing with this.
Brian: She'll be a great foster mother, your honor.
Madea: [to Nikki about Joe] Go help that thing find its shoes so we can get out of here.
Joe: We don't want it. Return to sender
Madea: I remember I sent you somewere too and you came back with something. It still itching?
Joe: Yo' momma. Aw hell that's my momma too
Madea: Aunt Ruby's 96 years old, she needs to see her family.
Joe: [watching Good Times, Penny's mother's about to take her hot iron to Penny's arm] Just ain't right, she's gonna burn that poor child. Lord have mercy, what makes people so mean?
Madea: Joe, did that thing just push you?
Joe: Sho' did. She don't know about us, we Baptist. We tear this place up.
Madea: Girl, I will set it off up in here! I will do a drive-by in this church... she don't know me! You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!
Milay Jenay Lori: I'm tired of dealing with black people. Always late. And ignorant...
Madea: ...She don't know me. I'm a straight-up thug... I shot Tupac! Yes, I did. We was arguing over a parking place. I didn't kill him, though. That wasn't me.
Joe: I was hoping they would lock you the hell up.
Madea: The only thing locked up around here is your bowels. Now shut the hell up.
Victoria: [to Vanessa] There are many things in my life that I regret, including having you for a daughter, because that man was your father. But I will *not* apologize for the decisions I made.
Lisa: He hits me.
Victoria: Well, you must stop doing what you're doing to make him angry.
Victoria: Women sometimes have to deal with things to be comfortable.
Madea: Little girl, If you don't stop poppin' that gum!
Nikki: Look! If you touch me, I'm gonna call 911!
Madea: My daughter tried that, I hit her so hard she dialed 9-9-10!
Nikki: You don't know me, I'll whip an old woman.
Madea: What? Who do you think I'm talking to?
Nikki: I'm talking to you... Do you think I'm playing?
[Madea unbuckles up, turns around and starts hitting Nikki]
Brian: [stops the car and stops her] Madea, Madea, Madea, Madea, Madea! What the hell's wrong with you?
Madea: You ain't got no sense! Shut the hell up. Shut up, shut up! Now, sit in that seat. Put that seat belt on, you better put that seat belt on right now.
[Nikki begans to buckle up and Madea sits back down and buckles back up]
Madea: The hell's wrong with these children today? But, all I set 'em straight. You know, I'm from the old school, and I will beat the hell out of you and ask questions later. If you don't know how to get in line, I will get you in line.
Brian: Remind me to never leave my kids with you, Madea.
Victoria: My mother was a real whore and a junkie, and she traded me for $10 and a fix.
Vanessa: [to Lisa] You were too young to remember, but your father was going to leave us. I was sitting on the bottom of the stairs one day and I heard them arguing, then I heard her
Vanessa: say 'allright, I'll do it, I'll do it', then she came in and saw me and she put me in the bathtub. Then she fixed my hair and she said 'just relax', then she put makeup on me, and perfume... and then she let him rape me!