Larten Crepsley: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I am so excited to be here in an anonymous small town which used to have character but is now just a bland suburb filled with chain stores and surrounded by slums.
[awkward silence in audience]
Larten Crepsley: It really is a pleasure to be here. And I am SO honored that bla, bla, bla and so on and so forth, et cetera, ad nauseam.
Darren Shan: [on becoming a vampire] Can I, like, turn into a bat and stuff?
Larten Crepsley: No. That's bullshit.
Larten Crepsley: Life may be meaningless, but death I still have hope for.
Larten Crepsley: Nice night, actually.
[pointing up, causing Darren to look away]
Larten Crepsley: Is that the Little Dipper or the big one? I can never remember it.
[breaks Darren's neck]
Larten Crepsley: Sorry about that. I had to do that or they would never believe you were dead. Don't worry. There's no damage to your spinal cord. And I'll sneak into the funeral home and fix your broken neck. Oh, and... sorry about this next part.
Evra the Snake Boy: [embarrassed after shaking Darren's hand and leaving some skin behind] Yeah. Shedding, huh. Itches like crazy. Uh, you should actually go wash your hand off before you get pinkeye.
Mr. Shan: College! Job! Family! And one day, if you're really lucky, you'll be standing here yelling at a teenager of your own.
Gavner Purl: There are no real generals left, hombre. You and I, we're the last of the Mo-Freakins.
Steve: If you kill your family, I'll let the freak go. Wait. My bad. That's backwards. If you kill the freak, I'll let your family live.
Murlaugh: What? Let the juicy one go?
Mr. Tall: [whispery kind of voice] Are you boys 21? Are you 21? Say yes!
Mr. Tall: [same whispery voice] Good. You don't have a tendency towards panic, sudden cardiac arrest, or crippling anxiety, do you? Say no!
Darren Shan: No.
Mr. Tall: All right, then. Go ahead in. Show's about to start.
Larten Crepsley: [after Darren enters his room and turns on the light] Nice room. Some excellent reading material you have here. Thought this was on the internet now.
Darren Shan: Mine's blocked.
Madame Truska: Why can't you just get a cell phone?
Larten Crepsley: Because vampires don't need cellphones.
Larten Crepsley: You're not to leave camp anymore.
Darren Shan: Why not?
Larten Crepsley: Because I said so.
Darren Shan: You're not my dad. You can't tell me what to do.
[Larten threatens to backslap him]
Larten Crepsley: Your mouth says no, but your beard says yes.
Larten Crepsley: What did Mr. Tiny want?
Darren Shan: Mr. Tiny?
Larten Crepsley: The fat man in the limousine!
Darren Shan: I don't know. Something about, uh, souls and, uh, and destiny. And he knew where I lived.
Larten Crepsley: Looks like you're in deep shit, my larcenous friend. Mr. Tiny doesn't just take a random interest in people - and the people he does take an interest in wind up dead... or worse.
Darren Shan: What's worse than dead?
Larten Crepsley: Oh... lots of things.
Madame Truska: You don't love me anymore. It's my beard.
Darren Shan: I'm Darren Shan, and this is my story. Oh, and, uh, trust me, spending this much time in a coffin was never part of my plan. Guess I'm just lucky.
Larten Crepsley: Now, boys, vampires don't exist, but if one did and he thought someone knew, he might smother them in their sleep.
Larten Crepsley: [chuckling] Did you hear that, Gavner? Missy broke up with me because I was a vampire. Funny, I always thought it was the only thing she liked about me.
Larten Crepsley: Now, you mentally unfit? Didn't you hear me threaten you at the show?
Steve: I did. It was awesome.
Larten Crepsley: Look, if you become a vampire, you have to leave your friends and your family. It's deeply depressing. Trust me.
Steve: You stole from a vampire? Do you realize you're a dead man? You're a dead man!
Darren Shan: I don't know what came over me. I... I never steal things.
Larten Crepsley: Why not?
Darren Shan: Because it's wrong.
Larten Crepsley: So, then, you've learned a valuable moral lesson.
Darren Shan: Yes, I have.
Larten Crepsley: And you'll never do anything wrong again as long as you live.
Darren Shan: No, I won't.
Larten Crepsley: You see? Now you're a thief and a liar!
Larten Crepsley: Wanna become a vampire? It's a lonely life but there's lots of it.
Darren Shan: So big bad old Crepsley became a vampire 'cause he got dumped?
Darren Shan: Have you ever been "dumped?"
Darren Shan: [losing some of his amusement] Yeah.
Darren Shan: Then perhaps you should be more sympathetic.
Steve: [at Darren's funeral] Darren, I hate you so much for leaving me here with these... idiots.
[presses his cell phone into Darren's hands, but then notices the vampire marks on Darren's fingertips]
Steve: [with mounting anger] Darren. Hey, Shan! ASSWIPE, ARE YOU IN THERE?
Larten Crepsley: Whenever Mr. Tiny wants something, I make it my policy to try and keep him from it.
Mr. Tall: That's a dangerous policy.
Larten Crepsley: It's been a long night. I just flitted across two states. I think I'll just hit the pine early.
Murlaugh: [entering Mr. Kersey's apartment with Steve] My teachers troubled me when I was a lad. They caned me and caned me till I was bloody.
[snarls; Mr. Kersey sits quickly]
Murlaugh: Then one day, I took up a broken switch, and I rammed it in my teacher's eyeball.
Mr. Kersey: [fearfull] Who are you?
Murlaugh: [gesturing to Steve] I'm his mentor.
Larten Crepsley: After two hundred years of living alone, why on Earth would I suddenly become lonely?
Madame Truska: I don't know. Midlife crisis?
Mr. Shan: Steve. Whadda ya doin' here?
Steve: Well, you know, I've been thinking. You guys probably really miss your son, and my mom is drunk half the time, so she doesn't really notice I'm there. How about you guys adopt me?
Madame Truska: [in a trance] You're in danger, terrible danger. Your life and soul are in jeopardy.
Madame Truska: [snapping out of it] What did I say?
Larten Crepsley: Nothing. Something about the weather. Chance of thunderstorms tomorrow. Don't worry. I'll stay indoors.
Darren Shan: Just because I'm a vampire doesn't mean I'm bloodthirsty. It's not about what you are. It's about who you are.
Darren Shan: [leaving his family for the second time] Will it work, hypnotizing them?
Larten Crepsley: It works on the memories but not on the emotions. Not really. They'll always feel that you're still alive somehow.
Darren Shan: Well, that's good, right?
Larten Crepsley: Is it?