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The Gamers: Dorkness Rising (2008) Poster

Quotes

Flynn the Fine: [as he is taken away by zombies] There's thirty-seven more of me, asshole!

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Luster: This flask is now full of holy water. Tell us what we want to know... or I'll give you a bath!

Drazuul: Your threat's empty. A paladin cannot stand by while torture takes place.

[Luster looks over at Sir Osric]

Sir Osric: [sighs] My, what fine yet rustic architecture. I think I will examine it more closely.

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Brother Silence: He who stumbles around in darkness with a stick is blind. But he who... sticks out in darkness... is... fluorescent!

[beat]

Lodge: Lose fifty experience.

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Lodge: [narrating] Flynn is alone with the Grimmoire.

Leo: I stab it! Wait! I BACKSTAB it!

Cass: Good call.

Lodge: Y-y-you can't backstab it! You can't *sneak-attack* an inanimate object!

Leo: Why not? It's PRONE!

Lodge: It doesn't have a discernible anatomy!

Leo: It's got a SPINE! Doesn't it?

[Leo rolls a fumble, causing Flynn to stab himself]

Leo: [in shock] Bards suck.

Lodge: That... was unprecedented, Leo.

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Luster (male): [after accidently killing Flynn] So, how much experience do I get for the bard?

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Brother Silence: Only in concealing one's identity, can one truly be known.

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Joanna: [after Drazuul moves after Luster's announcement of spell] What happened to the spell?

Gary: No good, Drazuul moves before me, blast me unless I have a barricade or something...

Leo: [Leo looks up with great purpose and realization] Hide behind the pile of dead bards.

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Joanna: What's with the pirates?

Lodge: Everything's better with pirates!

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Lodge: I've got a new villain lined up. Got it from a friend. Sort of a ninja-swashbuckler... the Shadow.

Joanna: [surprised] The Shadow?

Gary: [confused] The Shadow?

Mark: [scared] The Shadow?

[Mark runs off screaming]

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Flynn the Fine: [singing] Dear Goblin friends, dear Goblin friends, please hear my song...

[Flynn gets shot with arrows by the Goblins]

Lodge: [rolls] Yeah. Yeah, you're dead.

Gary: [holds stopwatch] At 29 minutes, 42 seconds. New personal best, Leo.

Leo: There are so many places I could put that stopwatch!

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Gary: So, how much experience do I get for the peasant?

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Brother Silence: The four elements, like man alone, are weak. But together they form the strong fifth element: boron.

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Gary: I'm a wild mage. WILD! But you losers can call me "sorceress". That's right. I'm playing a chick.

Leo: Dude, you hot?

Gary: Seventeen charisma.

Leo: Wanna have sex?

Gary: Totally.

Leo: Great! I seduce him, uh her.

[Leo rolls his die]

Leo: Yes! I can totally seduce any homophobe with that roll!

Lodge: We *haven't* started yet. You guys *haven't* met!

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[repeated line]

Luster: I'm not evil! I'm chaotic neutral!

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Brother Silence: As if killing the bard impresses us.

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Daphne: What did the barmaid say?

Flynn the Fine: "Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh gods, yes."

Daphne: About Mort Kemnon, dumbass?

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Flynn the Fine: [singing] Shut up, dear peasant, rest your head. Or I'll have the sorceress kill your ass dead.

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Flynn the Fine: What is that heavenly music?

Priestess: The Hymn to Therin. It calls to our goddess.

Leo: [voice-over] I seduce the priestess!

Lodge: [voice-over] She's taken a vow of celibacy!

Leo: [voice-over] Dude, 20 ranks in seduction!

Flynn the Fine: [to priestess] Hey, baby. Wanna tune my mandolin?

[rolls and the priestess and Flynn leave the room]

Daphne: [to Hierophant] Please understand the horny Bard does not represent us.

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Lodge: Hey, Mitch.

Mitch: [drunkenly] Hey.

Lodge: Did you let the cat in?

Mitch: We have a cat?

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Sir Osric: What do you have against peasants, murderous trollop?

Luster: Just a general, all-purpose loathing.

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Daphne: You raised our dinner from the dead!

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[Leo's employees are writing numerous copies of his character sheet]

Game Store Employee: How many of these do you actually need?

Leo: Let me answer that with another question: shut up!

Game Store Customer: [to employee] Your boss is a dick!

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Brother Silence: And now begins the killing. Nodwick, wait here until we return.

Nodwick: Heard *that* before.

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Gary: [voice-over] What is that?

Lodge: [voice-over] The Heart of Therin. Legend has it the gem is composed of solid light.

Gary: [voice-over] Can I steal it?

Lodge: [voice-over] Well, considering it is one of the holiest symbols of the church and that the cathedral is swarming with paladins, that would most likely be suicide. Go right ahead.

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[after donning the Mask of Death, Mort Kemnon easily brushes off the party's attacks]

Mort Kemnon: Surely you can do better.

Brother Silence: As you wish.

[Brother Silence suddenly pulls out a shotgun and cocks it]

Lodge: [voice-over] What the fu-!

Cass: [voice-over] It's from the trunk.

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Flynn the Fine: Watch out for Rennard! He'll backstab you!

[Flynn gets backstabbed by Rennard]

Flynn the Fine: Oh, just like that.

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Luster (male): If this is about that farmer, I totally thought he was a demon.

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Leo: [playing a board game] Take that, Jesus! Who's the Messiah now?

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Lodge: I am never gonna finish this frecking module!

Mark: Party die again?

Lodge: They don't try anything new and then they blame *me* when they die. Ungrateful munchkins. I'm really kinda pissed off.

Mark: This has nothing to do with your writer's block.

Lodge: I do not have writer's block! I know exactly how the story ends. I just... don't know how to get there.

Mark: Obviously neither do your players.

Lodge: How am I supposed to write a module based on an adventure if we *never* finish the adventure?

Mark: Just run 'em through it until they win... or your head explodes.

Lodge: [sigh] We're gonna start all over again once we have a few more players.

[pause]

Lodge: Mark! Why don't you join? You used to game all the time in college.

Mark: I haven't gamed since... the Incident.

Lodge: [confused] Total party wipeout?

Mark: Like you can't even imagine.

Lodge: [Cass walks up] Hey, Cass.

Cass: Lodge. Mark! Haven't seen you in a long time. It's like I forget you even exist.

Mark: Yeah, I get that a lot.

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Luster (male): You know, you're unlike any other woman I've ever met.

Daphne: Right back at ya.

Luster (male): So fast, so strong. Like steel wrapped in silk. A man could lose himself in those eyes.

Daphne: A *man* could, yes, but apparently I must remind you that you're a woman.

Luster: [pause] ... of course I am. I don't suppose you'd be interested in a little girl-on-girl ac...

Daphne: [grabs Luster's arm and puts it in a hold] You don't *really* want to finish that thought, do you?

Luster: I'll take that as a 'no.'

Daphne: Good girl.

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[after Sir Osric has looked away so Drazuul could be tortured]

Flynn the Fine: Total waffle for the paladin!

Sir Osric: [sad] I feel dirty.

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Lodge: You can't use a lightsaber! It... it's not even the right system!

Cass: I see no lightsaber. That would be a copyright infringement. I see a psionic spirit blade.

Lodge: You do not have my permission to use that in my campaign!

Cass: Fine! Then you do not have *my* permission to use *my* old character!

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Cass: [as Silence and Luster are being taken by a Death Demon] Why don't I get a save?

Lodge: It's a Death Demon. It's fear aura is too strong. You *can't* roll a successful save.

Cass: Incorrect.

Lodge: What's your willpower save?

Cass: Plue nine.

Lodge: The DC to beat his aura is 32. You would need to role a 23, on a twenty-sided die in order to succeed. Now, I don't have a math degree. But that's impossible.

Cass: [holds up his d20] A natural twenty is an automatic success no matter the circumstances.

Lodge: You still have only a five percent chance of rolling that twenty.

Cass: Can I make the roll? I mean it's in the rules. Or is it okay if we play by the rules?

[Cass rolls his d20 and it lands on a one: automatic failure]

Lodge: Ooooooohhh! Oh, fumble! That means you're *completely* compelled and *I* get to control your character until you snap out of it!

[Cass angrily gives Lodge his character sheet]

Lodge: Since we're playing by the rules, I know you don't mind.

Cass: Oh, shut up, Kevin.

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Cass: You could have been a GOD! I know MORMONS who would KILL for that!

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Mort Kemnon: [after the Grimoire is destroyed and Brother Silence throws some dynamite to Mort Kemnon] You really think you have defeated me?

Luster: You did just explode.

Brother Silence: Twice, actually.

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The Inquisitor: Hail, Flynn the Fine.

Flynn the Fine: Hail, random creepy knight guy.

Lodge: [voice-over] Dumbass, bardic knowledge.

Flynn the Fine: Oh, yeah, right! You are totally...

Lodge: [voice-over] The Lord High Inquisitor...

Flynn the Fine: The Lord High Inquisitor...

Lodge: [voice-over] ... of the Grand Illuminated Holy Order of Therin.

Flynn the Fine: [pause] What he said! Hail.

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Flynn the Fine: Hey baby, want to tune my mandolin.

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Lodge: Story trumps Rules.

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Lodge: I asked fifteen people, all regulars. Apparently WE

[looking directly at Cass]

Lodge: have a reputation.

Cass: What did I tell you, make one eleven year old cry and they stop bugging you.

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