The Gamers: Dorkness Rising (2008)
Quotes
Flynn the Fine: [as he is taken away by zombies] There's thirty-seven more of me, asshole!
Luster: This flask is now full of holy water. Tell us what we want to know... or I'll give you a bath!
Drazuul: Your threat's empty. A paladin cannot stand by while torture takes place.
[Luster looks over at Sir Osric]
Sir Osric: [sighs] My, what fine yet rustic architecture. I think I will examine it more closely.
Brother Silence: He who stumbles around in darkness with a stick is blind. But he who... sticks out in darkness... is... fluorescent!
[beat]
Lodge: Lose fifty experience.
Lodge: [narrating] Flynn is alone with the Grimmoire.
Leo: I stab it! Wait! I BACKSTAB it!
Cass: Good call.
Lodge: Y-y-you can't backstab it! You can't *sneak-attack* an inanimate object!
Leo: Why not? It's PRONE!
Lodge: It doesn't have a discernible anatomy!
Leo: It's got a SPINE! Doesn't it?
[Leo rolls a fumble, causing Flynn to stab himself]
Leo: [in shock] Bards suck.
Lodge: That... was unprecedented, Leo.
Luster (male): [after accidently killing Flynn] So, how much experience do I get for the bard?
Brother Silence: Only in concealing one's identity, can one truly be known.
Flynn the Fine: [singing] Dear Goblin friends, dear Goblin friends, please hear my song...
[Flynn gets shot with arrows by the Goblins]
Lodge: [rolls] Yeah. Yeah, you're dead.
Gary: [holds stopwatch] At 29 minutes, 42 seconds. New personal best, Leo.
Leo: There are so many places I could put that stopwatch!
Gary: So, how much experience do I get for the peasant?
Brother Silence: The four elements, like man alone, are weak. But together they form the strong fifth element: boron.
Gary: I'm a wild mage. WILD! But you losers can call me "sorceress". That's right. I'm playing a chick.
Leo: Dude, you hot?
Gary: Seventeen charisma.
Leo: Wanna have sex?
Gary: Totally.
Leo: Great! I seduce him, uh her.
[Leo rolls his die]
Leo: Yes! I can totally seduce any homophobe with that roll!
Lodge: We *haven't* started yet. You guys *haven't* met!
[repeated line]
Luster: I'm not evil! I'm chaotic neutral!
Brother Silence: As if killing the bard impresses us.
Daphne: What did the barmaid say?
Flynn the Fine: "Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh gods, yes."
Daphne: About Mort Kemnon, dumbass?
Flynn the Fine: [singing] Shut up, dear peasant, rest your head. Or I'll have the sorceress kill your ass dead.
Flynn the Fine: What is that heavenly music?
Priestess: The Hymn to Therin. It calls to our goddess.
Leo: [voice-over] I seduce the priestess!
Lodge: [voice-over] She's taken a vow of celibacy!
Leo: [voice-over] Dude, 20 ranks in seduction!
Flynn the Fine: [to priestess] Hey, baby. Wanna tune my mandolin?
[rolls and the priestess and Flynn leave the room]
Daphne: [to Hierophant] Please understand the horny Bard does not represent us.
Daphne: You raised our dinner from the dead!
[Leo's employees are writing numerous copies of his character sheet]
Game Store Employee: How many of these do you actually need?
Leo: Let me answer that with another question: shut up!
Game Store Customer: [to employee] Your boss is a dick!
Brother Silence: And now begins the killing. Nodwick, wait here until we return.
Nodwick: Heard *that* before.
Gary: [voice-over] What is that?
Lodge: [voice-over] The Heart of Therin. Legend has it the gem is composed of solid light.
Gary: [voice-over] Can I steal it?
Lodge: [voice-over] Well, considering it is one of the holiest symbols of the church and that the cathedral is swarming with paladins, that would most likely be suicide. Go right ahead.
[after donning the Mask of Death, Mort Kemnon easily brushes off the party's attacks]
Mort Kemnon: Surely you can do better.
Brother Silence: As you wish.
[Brother Silence suddenly pulls out a shotgun and cocks it]
Lodge: [voice-over] What the fu-!
Cass: [voice-over] It's from the trunk.
Flynn the Fine: Watch out for Rennard! He'll backstab you!
[Flynn gets backstabbed by Rennard]
Flynn the Fine: Oh, just like that.
Luster (male): If this is about that farmer, I totally thought he was a demon.
Leo: [playing a board game] Take that, Jesus! Who's the Messiah now?
Lodge: I am never gonna finish this frecking module!
Mark: Party die again?
Lodge: They don't try anything new and then they blame *me* when they die. Ungrateful munchkins. I'm really kinda pissed off.
Mark: This has nothing to do with your writer's block.
Lodge: I do not have writer's block! I know exactly how the story ends. I just... don't know how to get there.
Mark: Obviously neither do your players.
Lodge: How am I supposed to write a module based on an adventure if we *never* finish the adventure?
Mark: Just run 'em through it until they win... or your head explodes.
Lodge: [sigh] We're gonna start all over again once we have a few more players.
[pause]
Lodge: Mark! Why don't you join? You used to game all the time in college.
Mark: I haven't gamed since... the Incident.
Lodge: [confused] Total party wipeout?
Mark: Like you can't even imagine.
Lodge: [Cass walks up] Hey, Cass.
Cass: Lodge. Mark! Haven't seen you in a long time. It's like I forget you even exist.
Mark: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Luster (male): You know, you're unlike any other woman I've ever met.
Daphne: Right back at ya.
Luster (male): So fast, so strong. Like steel wrapped in silk. A man could lose himself in those eyes.
Daphne: A *man* could, yes, but apparently I must remind you that you're a woman.
Luster: [pause] ... of course I am. I don't suppose you'd be interested in a little girl-on-girl ac...
Daphne: [grabs Luster's arm and puts it in a hold] You don't *really* want to finish that thought, do you?
Luster: I'll take that as a 'no.'
Daphne: Good girl.
[after Sir Osric has looked away so Drazuul could be tortured]
Flynn the Fine: Total waffle for the paladin!
Sir Osric: [sad] I feel dirty.
Lodge: You can't use a lightsaber! It... it's not even the right system!
Cass: I see no lightsaber. That would be a copyright infringement. I see a psionic spirit blade.
Lodge: You do not have my permission to use that in my campaign!
Cass: Fine! Then you do not have *my* permission to use *my* old character!
Cass: [as Silence and Luster are being taken by a Death Demon] Why don't I get a save?
Lodge: It's a Death Demon. It's fear aura is too strong. You *can't* roll a successful save.
Cass: Incorrect.
Lodge: What's your willpower save?
Cass: Plue nine.
Lodge: The DC to beat his aura is 32. You would need to role a 23, on a twenty-sided die in order to succeed. Now, I don't have a math degree. But that's impossible.
Cass: [holds up his d20] A natural twenty is an automatic success no matter the circumstances.
Lodge: You still have only a five percent chance of rolling that twenty.
Cass: Can I make the roll? I mean it's in the rules. Or is it okay if we play by the rules?
[Cass rolls his d20 and it lands on a one: automatic failure]
Lodge: Ooooooohhh! Oh, fumble! That means you're *completely* compelled and *I* get to control your character until you snap out of it!
[Cass angrily gives Lodge his character sheet]
Lodge: Since we're playing by the rules, I know you don't mind.
Cass: Oh, shut up, Kevin.
Cass: You could have been a GOD! I know MORMONS who would KILL for that!
Mort Kemnon: [after the Grimoire is destroyed and Brother Silence throws some dynamite to Mort Kemnon] You really think you have defeated me?
Luster: You did just explode.
Brother Silence: Twice, actually.
The Inquisitor: Hail, Flynn the Fine.
Flynn the Fine: Hail, random creepy knight guy.
Lodge: [voice-over] Dumbass, bardic knowledge.
Flynn the Fine: Oh, yeah, right! You are totally...
Lodge: [voice-over] The Lord High Inquisitor...
Flynn the Fine: The Lord High Inquisitor...
Lodge: [voice-over] ... of the Grand Illuminated Holy Order of Therin.
Flynn the Fine: [pause] What he said! Hail.
Flynn the Fine: Hey baby, want to tune my mandolin.
Lodge: Story trumps Rules.
