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Title: See No Evil (2006)
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| Cast overview, first billed only: | |||
| Glenn Jacobs | ... | Jacob Goodnight (as Kane) | |
| Christina Vidal | ... | Christine | |
| Michael J. Pagan | ... | Tye | |
| Samantha Noble | ... | Kira | |
| Steven Vidler | ... | Williams | |
 |
Cecily Polson | ... | Margaret |
| Luke Pegler | ... | Michael | |
| Rachael Taylor | ... | Zoe | |
| Penny McNamee | ... | Melissa | |
| Craig Horner | ... | Richie | |
|
|
Mikhael Wilder | ... | Russell |
|
|
Tiffany Lamb | ... | Hannah |
| Sam Cotton | ... | Young Jacob | |
| Cory Robinson | ... | Blaine | |
| Zoe Ventoura | ... | Eyeless Woman | |
While investigating a call in an abandoned house, Officer Frank Williams and a rookie find a woman brutally blinded, but they are attacked by a huge psychopath with an ax; the rookie is killed and Frank shoots the criminal in the head, but has a severed arm. Four years later, the mutilated Frank is relocated, working as a guard in the County Detention Center. Frank goes with some delinquents to the Blackwell Hotel, an abandoned place since a fire burnt the last two floors, with the purpose of cleaning the location, preparing it to work as a shelter for the homeless; in return, the criminals will have their sentences reduced. During the night, the inmate Kira who has some Christian tattoos on her body is kidnapped by the deranged serial-killer Kane who collects the eyes of his victims, while the rest of the group is attacked by the psychopath with his ax. Written by Claudio Carvalho, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
All right, let's be realistic about this. Nobody goes into a movie produced by WWE Films (whose owner has challenged God to a wrestling match), directed by a former porn director (the man gave the world the Between the Cheeks trilogy), starring a wrestler named Kane, and expects a little slice of art on a golden platter. If you do then you probably need to find something other than watching movies to occupy your time.
So what exactly are we to expect from a movie like this? Well, here's what I was looking forward to:
1) Bad acting. 2) A fairly non-existent, clichéd storyline. 3) Kane walking around with a scrunched, sour face that indicates his nostrils just found the potato salad he misplaced a month ago. 4) Tons and tons of gore.
Well, if you're hungry for some "so bad it's funny" entertainment then this might satisfy your appetite because it delivers on all counts.
Obviously, movies like this are best seen for free, but if you do choose to sacrifice box office bucks then have some fun and make a game out of it. The filmmakers are nice enough to introduce us to each of the annoying delinquents by flashing their names and legal offenses on the screen. This makes it easier for you to write down which ones you want to see killed and in what order. You and your friends can see whose predictions are most accurate.
I also suggest that you and your pals write down every single moment of stupidity and inanity that you can find. Tally them up at the end and see who comes up with the most. I think my grand total was 107; can you beat that? I personally want to know how after 35 years and a fire does this abandoned hotel still have electricity, running water, and a working elevator?
I know, I know, the filmmakers are assuming that if you pay to see this then you obviously don't put much thought into what you spend your money on and therefore likely won't put much thought into how silly the movie is, but that doesn't mean we can't point it out and laugh at it.
I also like how the city wants to turn this huge hotel (which would be condemned and recommended for demolition by any sensible inspector) into a homeless shelter and they think the best way to get it cleaned up is to give eight punks a few mops and brooms. Uh-huh.
I think you pretty much know what to expect, but I feel the need to provide you with a couple of warnings. First, if you hate crowd interaction no matter the movie then you might want to stay away. The people in the audience acted like they were at an actual wrestling show. Shouts of "Kill him, Kane!" and "I hope you die first!" and "Chokeslam!" echoed through the theater, showcasing what I hope is NOT the best of what America has to offer. I usually don't appreciate such audience interaction, but for a cheesefest like this I thought the commentary added to the entertainment value. However, I can see how others could be annoyed by it.
Second, and this shouldn't even warrant explanation, the film doesn't shy away from the gore. If watching a big ugly dude rip eyeballs right out of their sockets doesn't scream "fun night at the movies!" for ya then you know good and well to save your dough.
I must say that I was a little surprised by the extreme lack of dialogue on Kane's part. I wasn't expecting him to put on an acting clinic, but I was hoping he'd have some cute little catchphrase like "Say goodnight" (his character's last name is "Goodnight") right before he killed a victim. Instead he uttered four words in the entire film - "Nooooooo!" and "I see it." But hey, he delivered them flawlessly!
If I were a bad guy in a movie then my catchphrase would be something like "Place your BETTS!" or "All BETTS are off!"
It'd rule and you know it. We need a new genre term for bad horror films like See No Evil that induce so much unintentional laughter that you almost have to label them comedic. Feel free to send me your suggestions. For now we'll just call 'em HOR-larious!