Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)
Jason Schwartzman: Ash
Beaver's Son : [lays down a box of supplies during a Science lab class] Why's your cousin such a wet sandwich?
Kristofferson : I beg your pardon?
Beaver's Son : What's that mean?
Kristofferson : That means that I don't understand what you just said. A wet sandwich?
Beaver's Son : Yeah! A wet sandwich. He's too short, he dresses like a girl, he's
[makes a motion with his hands]
Beaver's Son : different.
Kristofferson : Are you a bully? You're starting to sound like a bully.
Beaver's Son : Watch this.
[he takes a spoonful of yellow powder and drops it into the bubbling liquid over a Bunsen burner; it explodes and covers both of them in the yellow substance]
Kristofferson : That's... you just destroyed the whole experiment. We'd better extinguish this magnesium.
[they raise their safety goggles]
Kristofferson : Stand back.
[Kris sprays the fire with an extinguisher]
Agnes : [watching from a few feet away] Wow.
Kristofferson : [whistles] Whew!
Agnes : [to Kris] Hmm. I like your ears.
[gestures to her own]
Kristofferson : M... Mine?
Agnes : Mmhmm.
Kristofferson : Thank you! I like your... spots.
Agnes : Really? I used to cover them up, but, you know...
Ash : Ugh.
Agnes : Hmm?
Ash : You're supposed to be *my* lab partner.
Agnes : I am!
Ash : No you're not. You're disloyal.
Beaver's Son : We don't like you and we hate your dad. Now grab some of that mud, chew it in your mouth, and swallow it.
Ash : I'm not gonna eat mud!
Beaver's Son : Cuss yeah you are.
[he picks up a large glob of mud and shoves it in Ash's face. Ash makes a gagging sound but does not react further]
Kristofferson : [takes off his shoes] Don't do that.
Beaver's Son : Why'd you take your shoes off?
Kristofferson : So I don't break your nose when I kick it.
[he proceeds to take Beaver's son out with some precision karate moves, ending with a throwdown in the mud. Beaver's son walks away quietly sobbing]
Ash : I can fight my own fights.
Kristofferson : [turns to Ash] No you can't...
Ash : There's a lot of attitudes going on around here... don't let me get one.
Ash : [Mr. Fox has just lost his tail in the shooting] It'll grow back, won't it?
Kylie : Tails don't grow back.
Ash : Tails don't grow back?
Kylie : Uh-uh. 'Cept for lizards.
Mr. Fox : Tails don't grow back. I'm gonna be tail-less for the rest of my life.
Ash : Well, anyway, it's not half as bad as double pneumonia, right? I mean his dad's got one foot in the grave and three feet on a banana peel. That's a lot worse than just a...
Kristofferson : [ricochets an acorn around the room, which lands in the teacup he is holding] Excuse me, everyone. I'm gonna go meditate for half an hour.
Mrs. Fox : [to Ash] You have got twenty-nine minutes to come up with a proper apology.
Ash : Me? ME have an apology? He gets a bandit hat? He just got here, and he gets a bandit hat? Where's MY bandit hat? Why didn't I get shot at? It's because, you... you... you think I'm no good at anything! Well, maybe you're right, thanks.
[stomps away angrily and slams door upon exit]
Kylie : [to Mr. Fox] Told ya not to bring him.
Mr. Fox : I spotted a couple of broken burglar bars underneath the back door to Bean's secret cider cellar.
Kylie : We're breaking into Bean's *house*?
Mr. Fox : Cellar.
Kylie : Where he *lives*?
Mr. Fox : Where he keeps the cider.
Ash : [appears behind them] *Below* where he lives.
Mr. Fox : [takes] Where'd you come from? Why don't you go back to the tree and do your homework?
Ash : I want to help you steal some cider.
Mr. Fox : *We're* going to a *book* party, and keep your mouth shut about any cider, because no one ever said that! Now get out of here!
Ash : But, ah...
Mr. Fox : But nothing! You're gonna get me in a lot of trouble! Besides, you're too little and uncoordinated.
[Ash frowns, twitches, and spits]
Mr. Fox : One, two, three!
[Mr. Fox points in the direction of the tree. Ash stomps off, growling]
Ash : Can I ask you a question?
Kristofferson : You may.
Ash : What's the point of sitting on the floor with your legs twisted into a pretzel talking to yourself for an hour and forty-five minutes? It's - it's weird.
Kristofferson : My father and I first started practicing meditation together when I was...
Ash : Yeah? Well, that's great. But I worry more about what that does for your reputation than whether or not you have beagle ticks or not.
Kristofferson : I don't. Nor pelt lice.
Ash : [points to a sign Agnes carries] What's that stand for?
Agnes : Huh? It's for, uh, it's for pep... pep.
Ash : It's a K.
Coach Skip : [runs into frame, grabs a bottle from the cooler; to players] Come on, now! Look alive!
Coach Skip : 'Atta boy.
[runs out of frame]
Agnes : [to Ash, about Kristofferson] We're going steady.
[Ash exclaims angrily]
Kristofferson : Uh, do you mind if I slide my bed roll slightly out from under the train set? It's hard to sleep in that corkscrew position.
Ash : [in the top bunk] There's a lot of attitudes going on around here. Don't let me get one.
Kristofferson : No, it's only just my spinal cord getting...
Ash : Sleep wherever you want, man. Here, take my bed! I'll just uh... I'll crawl under the bookcase! Who cares if I get splinters in my ears?
Kristofferson : Never mind.
Ash : Oh, you gonna pout about it? 'Cuz I've had it up to HERE
[gestures with his hand]
Ash : with the "sad houseguest" routine.
[Ash turns off the light and continues to read his White Cape comic in bed]
Kristofferson : Good night.
[he lies down under the train set and begins to quietly sob; Ash comes down, turns on the train, Kris gets up and they watch it]
Mr. Fox : Ash, are you mad at me? I understand if you are and I'm sorry; I wouldn't have ever involved your cousin if I had realized you would feel this way. It was only ever just because he's kind of a natural... I mean... I mean look at him dig!
[View changes to Kristofferson, Kylie and Mrs. Fox digging, with Kristofferson leading with athletic determination, then switches back]
Mr. Fox : Anyway, I'm sorry if you feel any...
Ash : [as he shoves dirt in his ears] You know what? I'm just gonna put dirt in my ears. Ow... That's better. I can't hear you now, but keep talking.
Mr. Fox : Alright, let's start planning. Who knows shorthand?
[Linda raises her hand]
Mr. Fox : Great! Linda! Lutra Lutra - you got some dry paper?
[she holds up some paper]
Mr. Fox : Here we go. Mole! Talpa Europea! What d'you got?
Mole : I can see in the dark.
Mr. Fox : That's incredible! We can use that! Linda?
Linda Otter : Got it.
Mr. Fox : Rabbit! Oryctolagus Cuniculus!
Rabbit : I'm fast.
Mr. Fox : You bet you are. Linda?
Linda Otter : Got it.
Mr. Fox : Beaver! Castor Fiber!
Beaver : I can chew through wood.
Mr. Fox : Amazing! Linda!
Linda Otter : Got it.
Mr. Fox : Badger! Meles Meles!
Badger : Demolitions expert.
Mr. Fox : What? Since when?
Badger : Explosions! Flames! Burning things!
Mr. Fox : Demolitions expert! OK! Linda?
Linda Otter : Got it.
Mr. Fox : [grabs Weasel] WEASEL! MUSTELA NIVALIS!
Weasel : Stop yelling!
Mr. Fox : Ha! Ha-ha! Whoo! Okay. Ash, you and Agnes team up with these little kids and form some KP unit to keep this sewer clean. It's good for morale.
Ash : Done.
[turns to Agnes]
Ash : What's KP?
Agnes : I think it means janitors.
Field Mouse : Hey-hey! I wanna go with you! I wanna fight!
Mr. Fox : Good, fabulous! Microtus pennsylvanicus!
[the field mouse laughs]