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Thank You for Smoking (2005) Poster

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Kid #3: [in Joey's class] My Mommy says smoking kills.

Nick Naylor: Oh, is your Mommy a doctor?

Kid #3: No.

Nick Naylor: A scientific researcher of some kind?

Kid #3: No.

Nick Naylor: Well, then she's hardly a credible expert, is she?

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Joey Naylor: [eating fast food, next to Ferris wheel, at the Santa Monica Amusement Pier] ... so what happens when you're wrong?

Nick Naylor: Whoa, Joey I'm never wrong.

Joey Naylor: But you can't always be right...

Nick Naylor: Well, if it's your job to be right, then you're never wrong.

Joey Naylor: But what if you are wrong?

Nick Naylor: OK, let's say that you're defending chocolate, and I'm defending vanilla. Now if I were to say to you: 'Vanilla is the best flavour ice-cream', you'd say...

Joey Naylor: No, chocolate is.

Nick Naylor: Exactly, but you can't win that argument... so, I'll ask you: so you think chocolate is the end all and the all of ice-cream, do you?

Joey Naylor: It's the best ice-cream, I wouldn't order any other.

Nick Naylor: Oh! So it's all chocolate for you is it?

Joey Naylor: Yes, chocolate is all I need.

Nick Naylor: Well, I need more than chocolate, and for that matter I need more than vanilla. I believe that we need freedom. And choice when it comes to our ice-cream, and that Joey Naylor, that is the definition of liberty.

Joey Naylor: But that's not what we're talking about

Nick Naylor: Ah! But that's what I'm talking about.

Joey Naylor: ...but you didn't prove that vanilla was the best...

Nick Naylor: I didn't have to. I proved that you're wrong, and if you're wrong I'm right.

Joey Naylor: But you still didn't convince me

Nick Naylor: It's that I'm not after you. I'm after them.

[points into the crowd]

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Nick Naylor: [to Joey, while they walk around the Santa Monica Amusement Pier] That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.

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Nick Naylor: [to Joey] My job requires a certain... moral flexibility.

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Nick Naylor: [Narrating] Few people on this planet knows what it is to be truly despised. Can you blame them? I earn a living fronting an organization that kills 1200 people a day. Twelve hundred people. We're talking two jumbo jet plane loads of men, women and children. I mean, there's Attila, Genghis... and me, Nick Naylor. The face of cigarettes, the Colonel Sanders of nicotine.

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Nick Naylor: [out loud] "I just need to pay the mortgage."

Nick Naylor: [to self] The Yuppie Nuremberg defense.

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Nick Naylor: [in Joey's class] My point is that you have to think for yourself. If your parents told you that chocolate was dangerous would you take their word for it?

[Children say no]

Nick Naylor: Exactly! So perhaps instead of acting like sheep when it comes to cigarettes you should find out for yourself.

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Nick Naylor: [during a meeting with company executives and other staff members] These days, when someone smokes in the movies, they're either a psychopath... or a European.

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Jeff Megall: [in his office] Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie they're looking to make.

Nick Naylor: Cigarettes in space?

Jeff Megall: It's the final frontier, Nick.

Nick Naylor: But wouldn't they blow up in an all oxygen environment?

Jeff Megall: Probably. But it's an easy fix. One line of dialogue. 'Thank God we invented the... you know, whatever device.'

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BR: [during a meeting with company executives and other staff members] People, what is going on out there? I look down this table, all I see are white flags. Our numbers are down all across the board. Teen smoking, our bread and butter, is falling like a shit from heaven! We don't sell Tic Tacs for Christ's sake. We sell cigarettes. And they're cool and available and *addictive*. The job is almost done for us!

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Brad: Nick, your job and everything aside, I hope you understand that second hand smoke's a real killer.

Nick Naylor: What are you talking about?

Brad: I just hope you're providing a smoke-free environment for Joey is all I'm saying.

Nick Naylor: Brad, I'm his *father*. You're the guy fucking his mom.

Brad: That was unnecessary.

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Nick Naylor: [Narrating] Few people on this planet know what it is to be truly despised. Can you blame them? I earn a living fronting an organizing that kills one thousand two hundred human beings a day; twelve hundred people. We're talking two jumbo jet plane loads of men, women, and children. I mean there's Attila, Genghis, and me, Nick Naylor the face of cigarettes, the colonel sanders of nicotine. This is where I work, the Academy of Tobacco Studies. It was established by seven gentlemen you may recognize from C-Span. These guys realized quick if they were gonna claim cigarettes were not addictive they better have proof. This is the man they rely on, Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt. They found him in Germany. I won't go into the details. He's been testing the link between nicotine and lung cancer for thirty years, and hasn't found any conclusive results. The man's a genius, he could disprove gravity. Then we got our sharks. We draft them out of Ivy League law schools and give them timeshares and sports cars. It's just like a John Grisham novel. Well you know without all the espionage. Most importantly we got spin control. That's where I come in. I get paid to talk. I don't have an MD or law degree. I have a baccalaureate in kicking ass and taking names. You know that guy who can pick up any girl, I'm him on crack.

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Polly Bailey: [in a restaurant, referring to Heather] You didn't tell her about us, did you?

Nick Naylor: Who? Heather? No!... I mean, maybe in passing.

Polly Bailey: In passing.

Bobby Jay Bliss: Oh God, he fucked her. I tried to warn you...

Polly Bailey: Hey, he didn't fuck her. You didn't fuck her, did you?

[Nick doesn't answer]

Polly Bailey: When?

Bobby Jay Bliss: In passing.

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Nick Naylor: [narrating] After watching the footage of the Kent State shootings, Bobby Jay, then seventeen, signed up for the National Guard so that he, too, could shoot college students.

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Dennis Miller: [after a caller threaten to kill Nick on national television ] Now we'll take a break. I need to fire a call screener.

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Senator Ortolan Finistirre: [during the Senate subcommittee] Please state your name, address, and current occupation.

Nick Naylor: My name is Nick Naylor. I live at 6000 Massachusetts Avenue. I am currently unemployed but until recently I was the Vice President of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Mr. Naylor, as Vice President of the Academy of Tobacco Studies, what was required of you? What did you do?

Nick Naylor: I informed the public of all the research performed in the investigation on the effects of tobacco.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: And what, so far, has the Academy concluded in their investigation into the effects of tobacco?

Nick Naylor: Well, many things actually. Why just the other day they uncovered evidence that smoking can offset Parkinson's disease.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: I'm sure the health community is thrilled. Mr. Naylor, who provides the financial background for the Academy of Tobacco Studies?

Nick Naylor: Conglomerated Tobacco.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: That's the cigarette companies.

Nick Naylor: For the most part, yes.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Do you think that might affect their priorities?

Nick Naylor: No. Just as, I'm sure, campaign contributions don't affect yours.

Senator Lothridge: Mr. Naylor is not hear to testify on the goings on of the Academy of Tobacco Studies. We're hear to examine the possibility of a warning label on cigarettes. Now, Mr. Naylor, I have to ask you out of formality, do you believe that smoking cigarettes, over time, can lead to lung cancer and lead to other respiratory conditions such as emphysema.

Nick Naylor: Yes. In fact, I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who really believes that cigarettes are not potentially harmful. I mean - show of hands - Who out here thinks that cigarettes aren't dangerous?

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Nick Naylor: [Narrating] Right there, looking into Joey's eyes, it all came back in a rush. Why I do what I do. Defending the defenseless, protecting the disenfranchised corporations that have been abandoned by their very own consumers: the logger, the sweatshop foreman, the oil driller, the land mine developer, the baby seal poacher...

Polly Bailey: Baby seal poacher?

Bobby Jay Bliss: Even *I* think that's kind of cruel.

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Polly Bailey: [in a restaurant] How about it Nick, are you a tit man?

Bobby Jay Bliss: Don't answer that, that's a trap.

Nick Naylor: Depends on the tits.

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Jeff Megall: [Talking to Nick on the phone, late at night] Gotta go. London. It's 7 AM in the Old Empire.

Nick Naylor: When do you sleep?

Jeff Megall: [pause] Sunday.

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Joey Naylor: Dad, why is the American government the best government?

Nick Naylor: Because of our endless appeals system.

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Lorne Lutch: [to Nick] I didn't even smoke Marlboros. I smoked Kools.

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Bobby Jay Bliss: [in a restaurant] Did you know that you can fool the breathalizer test by chewing on activated charcoal tablets?

Polly Bailey: Well, maybe we should change our slogan to "If you must drink and drive, suck charcoal."

Nick Naylor: Won't the police ask about the charcoal in your mouth?

Bobby Jay Bliss: There's not a law against charcoal.

Polly BaileyNick Naylor: Yet.

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Lorne Lutch: [in his home] You look like a nice enough fella. What are you doing working for these assholes?

Nick Naylor: I'm good at it. Better at doing this than I ever was at doing anything else.

Lorne Lutch: Aw, hell, son. I was good at shooting VC. I didn't make it my career.

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Nick Naylor: [Narrating] Polly works for the Moderation Council. A casual drinker by the age of 14, Polly quickly developed a tolerance usually reserved for Irish dockworkers. In our world, she's the woman that got the pope to endorse red wine.

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[last lines]

Nick Naylor: Gentlemen, practise these words in front of the mirror: Although we are constantly exploring the subject, currently there is no direct evidence that links cellphone usage to brain cancer.

Nick Naylor: [Narrating] Michael Jordan plays ball. Charles Manson kills people. I talk. Everyone has a talent.

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Jack: As you can see, Jeff just loves... Asian shit.

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Joey Naylor: [whispers to Nick as he comes to speak to Joey's class about his job] Please don't ruin my childhood.

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Jack: I'm going to impale your mom on a spike and feed her dead body to my dog with syphilis.

Brad: Ha, you got me!

Jack: [to Nick and Joey Naylor] Inside joke.

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Senator Dupree: [during the Senate subcommittee] Mr. Naylor, there's no need for theatrics.

Nick Naylor: I'm sorry. I just don't see the point in a warning label for something people already know.

Senator Dupree: The warning symbol is a reminder, a reminder of the dangers of smoking cigarettes.

Nick Naylor: Well, if we want to remind people of danger why don't we slap a skull and crossbones on all Boeing airplanes, Senator Lothridge. And all Fords, Senator Dupree.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: That is ridiculous. The death toll from airline and automobile accidents doesn't even skim the surface cigarettes. They don't even compare.

Nick Naylor: Oh, this from a Senator who calls Vermont home.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: I don't follow you, Mr. Naylor.

Nick Naylor: Well, the real demonstrated #1 killer in America is cholesterol. And here comes Senator Finistirre whose fine state is, I regret to say, clogging the nation's arteries with Vermont Cheddar Cheese. If we want to talk numbers, how about the millions of people dying of heart attacks? Perhaps Vermont Cheddar should come with a skull and crossbones.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: That is lu - . The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese!

Senator Lothridge: Mr. Naylor, we are here to discuss cigarettes - not planes, not cars - cigarettes. Now as we discussed earlier these warning labels are not for those who know but rather for those who don't know. What about the children?

Nick Naylor: Gentlemen, it's called education. It doesn't come off the side of a cigarette carton. it comes from our teachers, and more importantly our parents. It is the job of every parent to warn their children of all the dangers of the world, including cigarettes, so that one day when they get older they can choose for themselves. I look at my son who was kind enough to come with me today, and I can't help but think that I am responsible for his growth and his development. And I'm proud of that.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Well, having said that, would you condone him smoking?

Nick Naylor: Well, of course not. He's not 18. That would be illegal.

Senator Ortolan Finistirre: Yes, I've heard you deliver that line on 20/20, but enough dancing. What are you going to do when he turns 18? C'mon, Mr. Naylor. On his 18th birthday will you share a cigarette with him? Will you spend a lovely afternoon - like one of your ludicrous cigarette advertisements? You seem to have to have a lot to say about how we should raise our children. What of your own? What are you going to do when he turns 18?

Nick Naylor: If he really wants a cigarette. I'll buy him his first pack.

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Nick Naylor: [Narrating] Bobby Jay works for S.A.F.E.T.Y., the Society for the Advancement of Firearms and Effective Training for Youth. After watching the footage of the Kent State shootings, Bobby Jay, then seventeen, signed up for the National Guard so that he too could shoot college students. But, the National Guard recruiter was out to lunch, so Bobby Jay ended up shooting Panamanians instead. Which is almost as fun as shooting college students, only they shoot back.

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Polly Bailey: How are you feeling?

Nick Naylor: First time I'm thinking these cigarettes are really dangerous

Bobby Jay Bliss: [Puts a gun on the table] you might be right about that, it might be small but it'll do the job, one shot BAM

Polly Bailey: He's not going to shoot anyone

Joey Naylor: Cool

Bobby Jay Bliss: Yeah? I mean guns should be treated with respect you understand?

Nick Naylor: You make a great father

Bobby Jay Bliss: Thanks

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Nick Naylor: [seeing him an apple pie covered in cheese] That's disgusting!

Bobby Jay Bliss: It's American.

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[From trailer]

Jack: Okay, I'm gonna bring your dad in now. Is there anything I can get you, like an orange juice, or a coffee, or a Red Bull?

Joey Naylor: No, thanks.

Jack: Okay.

[High fives Joey]

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Joey Naylor: Mom, why can't I go to California?

Jill Naylor: [while cooking him breakfast] Because, California's just not a safe place. And besides, I'm not sure it's appropriate for your father to bring you on a business trip.

Joey Naylor: Appropriate for who?

Jill Naylor: What?

Joey Naylor: Mom, is it possible that you're taking the frustration of your failed marriage out on me?

Jill Naylor: Excuse me?

Joey Naylor: This California trip seems like a great learning opportunity and a chance for me to get to know my father. But if you think it's more important to use me to channel your frustration against the man you no longer love, I'll understand.

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Joey Naylor: You're The Sultan of Spin!

Nick Naylor: [in the kitchen of his apartment] "The Sultan of Spin"?

Joey Naylor: Mom subscribes to Newsweek.

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Bobby Jay Bliss: The way I heard it, D.C. police found you naked, laying in Lincoln's crotch, covered in nicotine patches with a sign across your chest that said...

Polly Bailey: He doesn't need to hear the details.

Bobby Jay Bliss: It was some pretty fucked up shit.

Polly Bailey: Shh!

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Joey Naylor: [referring to Heather] Why did you tell that reporter all your secrets?

Nick Naylor: [in the kitchen in his apartment home] You're too young to understand.

Joey Naylor: Mom says it's because you have dependency issues and it was all just a matter of time before you threw it all away on some tramp.

Nick Naylor: Well, that's one theory.

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Jack: [In Elevator] Did you hear that?

Nick Naylor: [pause] No.

Jack: Exactly.

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Heather Holloway: [to Nick] My other interviews have pinned you as a mass murderer, blood sucker, pimp, profiteer and my personal favorite, yuppie Mephistopheles.

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Nick Naylor: Now what we need is a smoking role model. A real winner.

Jeff Megall: [in his office] Indiana Jones meets Jerry Maguire.

Nick Naylor: Right, on two packs a day.

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[the Merchants of Death pass through a metal detector, which beeps as Bobby Jay, the firearms lobbyist, passes through]

Bobby Jay Bliss: [to Nick and Polly] You guys go on ahead, this might take a while.

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BR: Oh, I heard the Heather Holloway article is coming out tomorrow.

Nick Naylor: [in his office] Really?

BR: Yeah, anything I should be worried about?

Nick Naylor: Yeah, the Cancer Association. Apparently they have it in for us.

BR: Fuckers.

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[Nick and Heather are introducing themselves to each other in a restaurant]

Heather Holloway: Heather Holloway.

Nick Naylor: Nick Naylor. Big Tobacco.

Heather Holloway: [holds up tape recorder] Is this kosher?

Nick Naylor: Only if I can call you Heather.

Heather Holloway: By all means. So, Mr. Naylor...

Nick Naylor: [interrupting] Nick.

Heather Holloway: Nick. Let's start with...

Nick Naylor: '82 Margaux.

Heather Holloway: Okay. Is it good?

Nick Naylor: "Good"? It'll make you believe in God.

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Joey Naylor: Why are you hiding from everyone?

Nick Naylor: [in the kitchen of his apartment] It has something to do with being generally hated right now.

Joey Naylor: But it's your job to be generally hated.

Nick Naylor: It's more complicated then that, Joey.

Joey Naylor: You're just making it more complicated so that you can feel sorry for yourself. Like you always said, "If you want an easy job, go work for the Red Cross."

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Senator Lothridge: [during the Senate subcommittee] Now as we discussed earlier, these warning labels are not for those who know, but rather for those who don't know. What about the children?

Nick Naylor: Gentleman. It's called education. It doesn't come off the side of a cigarette carton. It comes from our teachers, and more importantly, our parents. It is the job of every parent to warn their children of all the dangers of the world including cigarettes so that one day when they get older, they can choose for themselves.

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Jack: Alright come here, this is my favourite part. That one right there...

[points in pool of fish]

Jack: It's 7000 dollars.

Nick Naylor: 7000 for a fish?

Jack: Yep, kinda makes you wanna stop eating sushi, but I guess you kinda have to.

Jack: See that big white one right there?

[points again]

Jack: Swear to you, 12000, gift from Oprah.

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Nick Naylor: [Narrating] The man's a genius; he could disprove gravity.

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Heather Holloway: [while undressing] This is Nick Naylor telling you kids, don't do drugs, smoke cigarettes

Nick Naylor: That's really great, its like looking in the mirror

Heather Holloway: New idea, cigarettes for the homeless, we'll call them hobos

Nick Naylor: Hahaha, uh that's awful

Heather Holloway: Any better than sector sixes

Nick Naylor: right

Heather Holloway: Oh my God Nick, you are on TV

Nick Naylor: Lobbyist on the lookout. You gotta be kidding me

Heather Holloway: I wanna fuck you while I watch you on TV

Nick Naylor: And they call me sick

Heather Holloway: Hurry before your segment ends

Nick Naylor: Alright

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BR: [BR is reading Heather's damning article] Bitch.

Nick Naylor: Whore.

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Joey Naylor: Dad, why is American government the best government?

Nick Naylor: [sitting on the couch in his apartment] Because of our endless appeal system.

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Nick Naylor: [during a meeting with company executives and other staff members] The message Hollywood needs to send out is 'Smoking Is Cool!'

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[first lines during her talk show]

Joan Lunden: Robin Williger. He is a 15 year old freshman from Racine, Wisconsin. He enjoys studying history; he's on the debate team. Robin's future looked very, very bright. But recently he was diagnosed with cancer, a very tough kind of cancer. Robin tells me he has quit smoking, though, and he no longer thinks that cigarettes are "cool."

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Jack: That sand's not gonna rake itself, Hiroshi.

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Jeff Megall: Oh, stop. Next thing I know, he'll be telling you what position I used to play for the Bruins.

Jack: Quarterback.

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[after one of Naylor's speeches]

Trainee: That was awesome!

Nick Naylor: Thank you.

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Nick Naylor: [Narrating] Most people have this image in their heads of tobacco executives jet-setting around the world on private planes, eating foie gras as they count their money. Not me. I like to ride with the people. Know your clients. My people cram themselves into a tiny seat, pop a Xanex, and dream of the moment when they can stuff their face with fresh tobacco. If I can convince just one of these kids to pick up smoking, I've paid for my flight. Round trip!

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Nurse: You woke up?

Nick Naylor: [off camera] Perhaps a bad choice of inflection.

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Jeff Megall: [Discussing a futuristic sci-fi movie in his office] Brad Pitt Catherine Zeta-Jones they've just finished ravishing each other's body for the first time they lie naked suspended in air underneath the heavens Pitt lights up and starts blowing smoke rings around her naked flawless body as the galaxies go whizzing by other the glass dome ceiling, now tell me that doesn't work for you?

Nick Naylor: I'd see that movie

Jeff Megall: I'd buy the god damn DVD if the Academy didn't send them to for free, you guys ought to think about designing a cigarette to be released simultaneous with the movie

Nick Naylor: Sector Sixes

Jeff Megall: No one's ever done it with a cigarette

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Joey Naylor: Do I have flexible morals?

Nick Naylor: [while they walk around the Santa Monica Amusement Pier] Let's say you became a lawyer and you were asked to defend a murderer worse than that, a child murderer now, the law states that every person deserves a fair trial, would you defend him?

Joey Naylor: I don't know, I guess every person deserves a fair defense

Nick Naylor: Yeah well so do multinational corporations

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Nick Naylor: [Narrating a section of Heather's article] Nick Naylor lead spokesman for big tobacco will have you believe that cigarettes are harmless, but really he's doing it for the mortgage.

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Nick Naylor: [during a meeting with company executives and other staff members] In 1910, the US was producing ten billion cigarettes a year, by 1930 we were up to one hundred twenty three billion, what ha ppened in between? Three things: a world war, dieting and movies

BR: Movies?

Nick Naylor: In, 1927 talking pictures are born and suddenly directors need to give their actors something to do while their talking, Cary Grant and Carole Lombard lighting up, Bette Davis a "chimney", and Bogart, remember the first picture with him and Lauren Bacall?

BR: Not specifically

Nick Naylor: She shimmies through the doorway nineteen years old, pure sex, she says "anyone got a match?" and Bogie throws the matches at her, she catches them, greatest romance in the century, how did it start? lighting a cigarette, we need the cast of Will & Grace smoking in their living room, Forrest Gump puffing away between his boxes of chocolates, Hugh Grant earning back the love of Julia Roberts by buying her favorite brand her Virginia Slims, most of the actors smoke already, when they start doing it onscreen, we can put the sex back into cigarettes

BR: Well, that's a thought I was hoping for something more inspiring but at least you're thinking the rest of you people slam your fucking brains into your desks until something useful comes out

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Nick Naylor: [Waking up from unconsciousness] What happened?

Doctor: No non-smoker could've ever withstood the amount of nicotine you had in your bloodstream, I hate to say it but cigarettes saved your life

Nick Naylor: Can I quote you on that doc?

Doctor: Before we get side tracked there is one thing

Nick Naylor: Alright don't get all dramatic on me

Doctor: You can't smoke

Nick Naylor: That's no problem, I've done it before, and I did during the pregnancy, how long do you think?

Doctor: I don't think you understand it's a miracle you came out of this alive, any smoking, one cigarette can put you right back into a paralytic state, your body just can't handle it

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Nick Naylor: [On the phone in his hotel room] I'm sitting in front of an open briefcase full of money, I don't suppose this is a raise

Captain: You know who Lorne Lutch is?

Nick Naylor: Yeah, of course he's the original Marlboro Man, he's dying, and he was on Sally last week not exactly our biggest fan

Captain: He has a ranch out there in California I want you to bring the briefcase to him

Nick Naylor: His a cowboy sir, cowboys don't like bribes

Captain: It's not a bribe, no sir, you're going out there on "wings of angels"

Nick Naylor: You mean we're just going to give him the money?

Captain: I think Christ would say "that's mighty white of you boys"

Nick Naylor: and no gag agreement?

Captain: Hopefully he'd be so overwhelm with gratitude he'll have to shut up.

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Nick Naylor: [Narrating] I know what you're probably thinking, what a great opportunity to teach Joey to leverage against a back stabbing boss but I actually meant what I said about responsibility some things are just more important than paying the mortgage so I did the only responsibility thing I could, I turned down the job and my timing couldn't have been better within a few months the cigarette companies settled with the American smokers to the tune of two hundred forty six billion dollars and the Academy of Tobacco Studies was permanently dismantled for the first time in decades BR found himself out of work otherwise not much has changed the MOD still meets every week, we even added a few new members Senator Finistirre is still fighting for his causes even Heather is still reporting not much has changed at all

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Joey Naylor: [His speech for class] What makes America the best government? The passion that doesn't exist anywhere else in the world sure you call it "capitalism", "free market", "celebration of tariff breakdowns" I have another word for it: Love

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Jeff Megall: [negotiating the cost for celebrities to smoke in their films over the phone] For Pitt smoking is ten million for the pair it's twenty five

Nick Naylor: Twenty five? Usually when I buy two of something I get a discount, what's the extra five for?

Jeff Megall: Synergy, these are not stupid people, they got it right away, Pitt Zeta-Jones lighting up after cosmic fucking in the bubble suite is going to sell a lot of cigarettes

Nick Naylor: For that kind of money my people will expect some very serious smoking, can Brad blow smoke rings?

Jeff Megall: I don't have that information

Nick Naylor: For twenty five million we want smoke rings

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Lorne Lutch: [in his home] Weren't you on that show?

Nick Naylor: Yeah it was me

Lorne Lutch: You're lucky you made it out of there alive

Nick Naylor: Tobacco used to be all over the television, now TV's leading the witch hunt.

Lorne Lutch: Strange business, last year when after I was diagnosed I attended the annual stock holder's convention I stood up and told them I think they should cut back on their advertising you know what your boss said to me? He said "we're certainly sorry to hear about your medical problem until we know more about your medical history we can't comment further", then they tried to pretend I never worked for them, I got the pay stubs hell, I was on the damn bill boards I suppose we all got to pay the mortgage so you're here to talk me into shutting up?

Nick Naylor: Yeah basically, no not "basically" that's exactly it

Lorne Lutch: My dignity isn't for sale

Nick Naylor: It's not an offer, it's a gift the taxes have all been paid you get to keep it no matter what you do, the idea is your guilt will prevent you from bad mouthing us

Lorne Lutch: Are you supposed to be telling me all that?

Nick Naylor: No sir, just apologize give you the money and leave

Lorne Lutch: Why are you telling me this?

Nick Naylor: Because this way you'll take the money

Lorne Lutch: Why would I do that?

Nick Naylor: Because you're mad

Lorne Lutch: Damn straight I am

Lorne Lutch: [Referring to the money] what am I going to do with it?

Nick Naylor: Donate it, yeah start the Lower Less Cancer Foundation

Lorne Lutch: Wait a minute, what about my family?

Nick Naylor: You can't keep the money

Lorne Lutch: Why the hell not?

Nick Naylor: Denounce us and keep the blood money?

Lorne Lutch: I've got to think this over

Nick Naylor: News doesn't work that way you can't denounce us next week

Lorne Lutch: I don't suppose I can denounce you for half of it

Nick Naylor: No, you either keep all the money or give it all away

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Joey Naylor: [driving in a rented car, after leaving Lorne Lutch's home, referring to Lorne Lutch] Dad, how did you know he'd take the money?

Nick Naylor: You'd have to be crazy to turn down all that money when I saw he wasn't crazy I knew he'd take it

Joey Naylor: Would you have taken it?

Nick Naylor: If I were him? Sure

Joey Naylor: [Nick rubs Joey's ear] So would I

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Nick Naylor: [Narrating a section of Heather's article] As explained by Naylor, the sole purpose of their meetings is to compete for the highest death tolls and how to compare strategies on how to dupe the American people

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Jeff Megall: [Narrating a section of Heather's article] The film, entitled "Message from Sector Six", would emphasize the sex appeal of cigarettes, the only way floating nude copulating Hollywood stars could.

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Polly Bailey: [Narrating a section of Heather's article] the M.O.D. squad of course meaning Merchants of Death is comprised of Polly Bailey from the Moderation Council and Bobby Jay Bliss of the gun business's own advisory group S.A.F.E.T.Y. which stands for Society for the Advancement of Firearms and Effective Training for Youth.

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Lorne Lutch: [Narrating a section of Heather's article] this did not stop Nick from bribing a dying man with a suit case full of cash to keep quiet about his recent lung cancer diagnosis.

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Kidnapper: [sitting in front of him in the van after kidnapping Nick] We want you to stop killing half a million people a year in the US

Kidnapper: [panicking, lying down, while being tied with zip ties by both arms at both wrists] There's no data to support that

Nick Naylor: You're not on TV anymore

Kidnapper: [Kidnappers cutting off his pants and unbuttoning his shirt] How much do you smoke a day? According to the box each one of those patches contains twenty one milligrams of nicotine, that's like what? One pack?

Nick Naylor: [the kidnappers start attaching nicotine patches to Nick's chest and legs] Our industry has been working hand and hand

Kidnapper: [looking at the caution label on the side of the box] It says here there are many adverse reactions from those things

Nick Naylor: My industry does forty eight billion in revenue I guess you can start by asking for five million and working your way up from there

Kidnapper: But we don't want any money

Nick Naylor: Then what do you want? I'm all ears here

Kidnapper: What does any man want? , The love of a woman? Crisp bacon? An average life span over eighty years?

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Jill Naylor: [Narrating a section of Heather's article, while sitting next to Brad at the kitchen table] Nick's own son Joey Naylor seems to being groomed as he joins his father on the majority of his business trips.

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BR: [referring to Senator Finistirre] This... environmentalist...

Subtitle: Pussy.

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Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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