Get Smart (2008)
Alan Arkin: The Chief
Maxwell Smart : Chief I have to say this whole thing really stems my plans. I can not get over the fact that 23 is a traitor.
The Chief : Sand trap.
[they crash through a sand dune]
Maxwell Smart : Now I know how you must have felt when you thought I was a traitor, it is demoralizing!
The Chief : Tractor.
[they crash over a tractor]
Maxwell Smart : Argh, I don't know how I missed it, I am usually very observant.
The Chief : Swordfish!
[they crash right into a swordfish]
Maxwell Smart : [car comes to a stop] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief : I don't know. Were you thinking, "Holy shit, holy shit, a swordfish almost went through my head"? If so, then yes.
The President : What did the vice-president have to say about this?
The Chief : I'm afraid the vice-president and I had a less then cordial encounter yesterday sir.
The President : Less then cordial you say?
The Chief : Yes sir.
The President : [President watches video of The Chief tackling the Vice-President on a cell phone] Whoa... I'll say.
The Chief : If you don't find that screen, Mr. Larabee, I'm Going to have you hunting for land mines... with a hammer!
Maxwell Smart : I have obtained a snippet, at great risk to a bus boy in Balad.
[Men start speaking in Punjab on a recording which Max is translating]
Maxwell Smart : "Aftab, how is your coffee?"
Maxwell Smart : "Good, Dalip, it's decaf. How is yours?"
Maxwell Smart : "It is good, also. How is your muffin?"
Maxwell Smart : Powerful stuff
The Chief : So "muffin", then, is a code word?
Maxwell Smart : No, it is comfort food... and quite frankly much more fattening than most people realize. Which begs the question... why would two hardened KAOS agents... risk the carbs?
Maxwell Smart : Because they are under a great deal of stress.
Agent 23 : Hence the decaf.
Maxwell Smart : For Aftab yes. Dalip takes his full-strength. Why? Because he has been sleeping on the couch for three days... because he called his sister-in-law a "leathery hag".
Larabee : You know, people often say things in anger they don't really mean. Leathery hag, fat cow, ungrateful whore. Just words really, that shouldn't be used against you in a custody hearing.
Agent 91 : Let it go, man, those kids don't even look like you.
The Chief : Can we put a pen in this, please... and go back to Max's extraordinary detailed report?
Maxwell Smart : Thank you, Chief. All I'm saying is... that until we understand that our enemies are also human beings... we will never defeat them. Yes, they are bad guys, but that is what they do, not who they are. Let's continue listening... and bear in mind that the next 100 pages can get a little bit dry.
Larabee : Come on.
[All sigh in boredom]
The Chief : Speak up, son. I'm an old man, you know.
[after Max kisses agent 23 to distract him, then punch him]
The Chief : Unusual, but effective.
Agent 99 : You lied about finding evidence of radioactivity.
Agent 23 : You conveniently killed Krstic before anyone could question him.
The Chief : And there's that little matter with you stoning my head with a fire extinguisher.
Maxwell Smart : I said I was sorry, you just didn't hear me because you were in a mini coma.
[99 is talking to chief on her cell-phone, Max asked to see the phone but she hit the "know-out gas button" on her phone]
Maxwell Smart : Could this be Siegfried?
The Chief : Hello, Max.
Maxwell Smart : Chief?
The Chief : Yes.
[the knock-out gas starts coming out of the phone]
Maxwell Smart : Knock-out gas 99? I've trained my body to be impervious to this whi... that's new stuff.
[Max passes out]
Maxwell Smart : You were saying?
The Chief : I was saying your results are quite extraordinary, in fact, your essay on existentialism was quite amazing.
Maxwell Smart : I left that section blank.
The Chief : Blank? Brilliant! Brilliant Max. At any rate, you passed with flying colors.
Maxwell Smart : YES!