Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005)
Helen: [upon seeing Orlando staring at her] What?
Orlando: I'm just sittin' here, tryin' to think of a way to say this to you.
Orlando: I'm in love with you.
Helen: How do you know that?
Orlando: I don't know how to explain it to you.
Orlando: Helen, if I'm away from you for more than an hour, I can't stop thinking about you. I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more than I pray for myself. I've got it so bad for you I'd... I'd go to the grocery store and buy your feminine products, I swear I would.
[Helen and Orlando laugh]
Orlando: And see? And that... that... That smile. Helen, when you smile like that, my world... It's all right.
Orlando: I am in love with you.
Madea: Love is stronger than any addiction, baby; hell, it *is* one.
Helen: Orlando, what's going...
Orlando: I know you don't believe in fairy tales. But, if you did, I'd want to be your knight in shining armor. You've been through so much. I don't want to see you hurt anymore. Now I may not be able to give you all that your used to. But I do know I can love you past your pain. I don't want you to worry about anything. You just wake up in the morning, that's all you have to do and I'll take it from there. There's one condition. You have to be my wife.
Brenda: What the - Who are you?
Madea: Who you?
Brenda: I'm the owner of this house.
Madea: [buzzer sound] Wrong answer. My granddaughter Helen is the owner of THIS house! You da hoe, you aint got no power or no deed.
Brenda: [notices one or her ruined clothes] Did you do this? This is Vera Wang!
Madea: Who dat is? She do nails? I need to get my nails did.
Brenda: That's it! I'm calling the police.
Madea: I aint scared a no po po. Call da po po hoe. Call da po po hoe!
Myrtle: You know I know this man put a hurtin' on you baby, but you've got to forgive him. No matter what he done, you've got to forgive him - not for him, but for you.
Helen: Forgive him for me?
Myrtle: When some body hurts you they take power over you, if you don't forgive them then they keeps the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive youreself.
Judge Ephriam: Bailiff, call the next case.
Bailiff: The State of Georgia versus Bobby Brown.
Judge Ephriam: What is this? Repeat offender day?
Voice of Whitney Houston: Bobby. Bobby, I love you.
Judge Ephriam: Sit down, Miss Houston.
Joe: Who dat is at the door?
Madea: Shutup Joe I got this.
Joe: I'm gettin' tired of all these people comin' ova here late at night, I'ma hafta put my foot down.
Madea: Kunta Kinte put his foot down and it got chopped off. now shut the hell up and go back to sleep.
Myrtle: "Peace be still." That's what he said.
Madea: Well, peace always comes with still...
[takes out gun]
Madea: 'cause I keeps me a piece o' steel.
Brenda: If I call the cops, they will be here in *ten* minutes.
Madea: Good. Then that give me nine to beat the hell outta you.
Madea: [talking to Helen] You can get it one of two ways. You can get it from his checking account voluntarily, or his insurance policy. Involuntary manslaughter. Which one is it gon' be?
Charles: You know I don't deal with your kind anymore.
Jamison: My kind? Brother, before you was defendin' all those rich white boys, it was MY KIND that got you down.
Charles: I'm goin' home...
Jamison: [interrupts Charles] HOME? Oh, how quickly we forget. I ran so much coke for you back in the day, I PAID for that house.
Myrtle: You've got to stand on your own two feet.
Helen: I don't think I'm strong enough.
Myrtle: Of course you are, you've got the strength God gave all women to survive. You just have to tap into it.
Charles: Even though I almost destroyed it, I know you still have a heart.
Helen: Your kids? Your boys?
[hits Charles with a toy bat]
Helen: I wanted children, Charles, and had you not been with those whores, we would have them. You got me all stressed out, my hair falling out, my weight up and down, can't keep anything down, TWO MISCARRIAGES. You took life from me and you never even said I'm sorry.
Helen: [shoves a picture of Brenda into Charles mouth] Do you see what you left me for? This is what you left me for. Look at it. She didn't give a damn about you Charles, she told them to let you die.
Helen: Are you hungry?
Helen: Oh, maybe you should go into the kitchen and get yourself something to eat, huh?
Charles: [crying] Christina...
Helen: [calling] Christina!
Helen: Christina's gone! Your little tramp didn't leave her any money to pay her, so she just left, like your slut. She packed up all her things, and a few of yours, and split. In fact, she cleaned out your bank account.
Helen: Isn't that just too much? You tried to keep it from me, and she just took it all. Huh? Huh? You are like so many men, Charles, you'd rather leave with trash than make it work with something good. You're a coward.
Madea: I remember this dude made me so mad, I didn't even know how mad I was until I went to his funeral.
Helen: Why were you so mad at him?
Madea: Because he hit me. Yes he hit me... and I didn't even know how mad I was until I saw him in his casket, he's 8 feet under.
Myrtle: 6 feet, that's how they bury people, Madea, 6 feet under.
Madea: That's what I'm trying to say, I thought I was over what he did to me until I saw him at the funeral, I was so mad I BEAT HIM DOWN 2 more feet.
Bailiff: Your honor, Case #456790: The People Vs. Mabel Simmons & Helen McCarter - Criminal trespassing, Reckless endangerment, Criminal possession of a handgun, Assault with a deadly weapon, Suspended license, Expired registration, Reckless driving, and a broken tailight.
Madea: [to Helen] Girl, I know it ain't who I think it is.
Judge Ephriam: [turning cross] I know you didn't say Mabel Simmons. Madea?
Madea: How you doin', uh, Judge Mablean? It's good to see - Ooh, your hair's pretty. Girl, look at you. You're lookin' good. How you been? Hey...
Judge Ephriam: [angry] You're still at it?
Madea: This ain't even my fault. See, what happened was...
Judge Ephriam: [cuts her off] Just save it! Who's here for the defense?
[Brian, Madea's nephew walks into the courtroom]
Brian: Brian Simmons, on behalf of Mrs. McCarter and Mrs. Simmons, your honor.
Judge Ephriam: Brian.
Brian: How you doing, Judge Ephriam?
Judge Ephriam: Brian, I am getting tired of seein' your aunt.
Madea: [under her breath] Getting tired of seein' you.
Madea: [after typing a bunch of numbers on the calculator, carelessly] Girl, that man owe you 64 billion, 283 million, 974 trillion, 5 thousand, and 20 dollars and 82 cents.
Brian: It won't happen again.
Judge Ephriam: Yeah, I'll bet. Bail is set at $5,000 for Mrs. McCarter, property of cash. But as for you, Madea, I'm placing you under house arrest!
Madea: You ain't gonna put me on no house arrest, honey. I ain't gonna deal with that!
Judge Ephriam: It's either that or prison! What's your choice?
Madea: [convinced] I'll take the house arrest.
Helen: [voice-over] September 19th. Dear Diary, as I sit here thinking about picking up the pieces of what used to be my life, I realized something. Every room in this house holds a painful memory for me. Even though he's suffering, something somewhere in me wants him to suffer more. A few months and a divorce can take you through just as many emotions as 18 years in a marriage. And I'm starting to feel all of them at once. But the one that is clear is rage. Signed, a Mad Black Woman.
Madea: Every time I try to read the Bible... and Jesus... the one with all the words in red... I open my Bible to that New Testimony and see all that red and I just give up. Jesus was talkin' way too much.
Myrtle: [the dog's wearing Madea's house arrest ankle bracelet] What's that thing on the dog?
Helen: A flea and tick thing, Mama.
Myrtle: It don't look like no flea and tick thing. Madea. What's this thing on the dog?
Helen: [slaps Charles] I just want you to know that old Helen is gone, and you will NEVER speak to me like that again.
Helen: Women love hard.
Brian: And men don't?
Helen: Not like women do.
Brian: We may not love as easy but when we love, we love hard.
Brenda: I know tae kwon do!
Madea: and I know whoop yo oss!
[hears Charles and Helen arguing downstairs!]
Madea: Oh hell no!
[Runs and smacks Brenda in the back of the head]
Brenda: Yeah, you better keep runnin'!
Madea: Rip it.
Helen: Rip it?
Madea: Rip it.
Helen: Rip it.
Madea: Rip it. Rip it.
Helen: Rip it. Rip it.
Madea: Rip it.
Helen: Rip it.
Madea: Rip it real good. Rip it.
Helen: Wait a minute. What is this going to solve?
Madea: Nothing. It's just gonna make you feel better.
Madea: [Helen throws money in Charles' face] Girl, you're crazy as hell.
Joe: [the family member's have been discussing revenge] Yeah, that's like that man in, ugh...?Misery?. That woman had those shackles on the man's ankle bones... his feet went like this.
[throws his arms out]
Joe: [watching Madea butter her house arrest bracelet] You know, I was watching the Animal Planet channel and they say that when a coyote is trapped, it will eat its own foot off to get out of the trap. You want some hot sauce? In your case it wouldn't be a coyote, it would be an elephant. A big old giraffe.
Madea: Say one more thing, Joe.
[click of gun]
Madea: Say one more thing. I don't hear you. You're quiet, can I buy a vowel?
Helen: [after Charles reveals he's been cheating] Charles, you're not leaving.
Charles: You're right. You are.
Madea: Mmmhmm... How long you do that fo'?
Helen: Eighteen years.
[pulls out a calculator]
Madea: Let's see how much he owes ya then.
[types a bunch of numbers while she speaks]
Madea: Eighteen years. Cooking. Cleaning. Havin' sex wit him when he wanted it, was it good?
Helen: [shakes head in disgust] No.
Madea: *Major* deduction.
Madea: Who is
[stares at a tag on a blouse and tries to pronounce it]
Madea: Dol-say and gab-anna, who 'dat is?
Madea: [speaking to Myrtle] I'll be at church when they get a smoking section.
Helen: He put me out of the house.
Madea: Who house?
Helen: Our house.
Madea: Exactly, how's a man throw a woman out of her own house? No man would ever do that to me, he'd put me out half of the house, I'll go live in the other half.
Madea: Half of everything in this house belongs to her, which half you want? You want this half or you want this half?
[cuts into the couch with a chainsaw]
Helen: [dumps Charles into a bathtub] Bathe *him*, feed *him, clothe *him* they say, what about me?