Two for the Money (2005)
Walter Abrams: You're a lemon. Like a bad car. There is something... there is something inherently defective in you, and you, and you, and me, and all of us. We're all lemons. We look like everyone else, but what makes us different is our defect. See, most gamblers, when they go to gamble, they go to win. When we go to gamble, we go to lose. Subconsciously. Me, I never feel better than when they're raking the chips away; not bringing them in. And everyone here knows what I'm talking about. Hell, even when we win it's just a matter of time before we give it all back. But when we lose, that's another story. When we lose, and I'm talking about the kind of loss that makes your asshole pucker to the size of a decimal point - you know what I mean - You've just recreated the worst possible nightmare this side of malignant cancer, for the twentieth goddamn time; and you're standing there and you suddenly realise, Hey, I'm still... here. I'm still breathing. I'm still alive. Us lemons, we fuck shit up all the time on purpose. Because we constantly need to remind ourselves we're alive. Gambling's not your problem. It's this fucked up need to feel something. To convince yourself you exist. That's the problem.
Walter Abrams: I will match my dysfunctional childhood and Tony's against yours, any day of the week.
Walter Abrams: My father,five foot,arms like this... he had a cock like a Hebrew National.
Walter Abrams: I even looked at him the wrong way... he smacked across the room like Jake LaMotta
Walter Abrams: By the time i was five,he yelled at me so much,i thought my name was Asshole.
Walter Abrams: [to Brandon as they're walking on the sidewalk with Toni] After the therapy, and the psychiatry, and the meetings, you know what it all comes down to? You're all fucked up.
Walter Abrams: [start walking down the street] com on let's all grab hands and shout it together WE ARE ALL FUCKED UP AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!
Walter Abrams: Know what you know, and know what you don't know. And know that I gotta know everything you know as soon as you know it... or sooner
Walter Abrams: [at the baggage claim area of an airport and Walter faked a heart attack to test if Brandon is focused for the sit down with Novian ] There's no such thing as too far. You understand? You push everything as far as you can. You push and you push and you push until it starts pushing back. And then you push some goddamn more. Remember that when you're with this guy today.
Walter Abrams: You know, the best part of the best drug in the world isn't the high. It's the moment just before you take it. The dice are dancing on the table. Between now and the time they stop, that's the greatest high in the world.
Brandon Lang: [on a golf range with Brandon hitting golf balls] Talk to me, so how'd we do?
Walter Abrams: You haven't seen the scores?
Walter Abrams: No, it's how I wanted it, make my picks and get the results later
Walter Abrams: Highest sales volume ever take a guess how we did?
Brandon Lang: Yeah I think we kicked ass
Walter Abrams: It was amazing
Brandon Lang: Last week was nothing
Walter Abrams: Your right, it was nothing compared to what we lost today
Brandon Lang: [surprised] Where'd I go?
Walter Abrams: I got an idea why don't I give you a glimpse of what happened then you take a stab on how you went?
Brandon Lang: Just give me the numbers
Walter Abrams: Grown men crying on the phone, their wives screaming in the background, three sales people quit couldn't take the pressure
Brandon Lang: Fuck
Walter Abrams: No, no you lose ten out of twelve "fuck" doesn't quite cover it, you know what'd be more appropriate? Something like "holy fucking shit" or "Jesus fucking Christ" you go two for twelve on our highest weekend ever and what's left to say? Except we keep the phone number and switch it to a suicide hotline, tomorrow morning Brandon we start all over again
Walter Abrams: [to Brandon in Walter's office] Oh man... You better hold on to the coin you flipped. Because this game keeps up like this, I'm going to have to borrow it.
Walter Abrams: [in Walter's office] This is dangerous territory we're getting into. You understand that. But I'm gonna bump you. ok? ten percent ok?Now talk to me about Monday night because everyone, and I mean everyone, is gonna double down after the hole you put 'em in.
Brandon Lang: Monday night's fine.
Walter Abrams: You bet your mother's house on it?
Brandon Lang: I don't bet, Walter.
Walter Abrams: If you did?
Brandon Lang: [avoiding the question] I like the pick, Walter.
Walter Abrams: On your mother's house or not?
Brandon Lang: [with his upper body hunched forward in his chair] With my mother in it.
Walter Abrams: Stats are not enough, you need a voice! These are gamblers ready to risk what they can't afford for what they can't have, you're selling the world's rarest commodity: certainty, in an uncertain world.
Walter Abrams: [after Brandon requested a bonus, forcibly grabs Brandon and whispers] I'm going to tell you something now, I'm only going to say this once if you want something more from me than a gesundheit after a sneeze you're going to have do more than come at me with this shit, you understand? you're going to have to earn it, and once you earn it, you're going to have to fight me for it, you're going to have to challenge me, you're going to rip it out of me that's how you get ahead with me, now John Anthony would know that and as a matter of fact next time you come to me with this shit, you come as John Anthony.
Brandon Lang: [on the phone] Amir, you've got to kidding me, you're going to sit there and hassle me over fifty grand after the two hundred and fifty grand I just made you last weekend you think you're going to cut me off?I'm going to cut you off.
Amir: [from a pay phone] I'm, wiped out John, my business, my house, my credit, everything, I lost three hundred and eighty thousand this weekend, I was going to get married, I had a life!
Jerry: [on tv show] Stats, records, rankings, weather, if the goal post is tilted just a little bit, the Sykes system uses forty two proven indexes, to eliminate the guess work in sports wagering, without my patented computer based picks, you've got a better shot of having God showing up at your door,with nine strippers a bag of pure Bolivan cocaine even viagra to make Chuck's head blow up, than picking these things on your own.
Walter Abrams: [to two men eating in a fancy restaurant with Alexandria] Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt or anything like that but I just got to know this I'm sitting over there with my friends, and you are drop dead gorgeous and we just want to know your dates look like they haven't missed a meal since Christ died, I mean seriously you guys are eating like you have a date with the electric chair
Walter Abrams: [during a Gambler's anonymous meeting] You read the charter buddy? We left our jobs at the door, you're going to throw an ex alcoholic bartender out of an AA meeting
Brandon Lang: [seductively, in the lobby of her apartment building] What do you say we go out for a late dinner right now have a couple kilo bottles of wine go back to that place where we first met?
Alexandria: Are you out of your mind? I live in this building asshole this is home I don't appreciate you stopping by without calling
Brandon Lang: Whoa, what the hell's gotten into you?
Alexandria: Let me make the shit real clear so this doesn't happen again, you made five thousand bucks, your friend set it up
Walter Abrams: [as Brandon enters his office] Do you know what time it is?
Brandon Lang: [looking at his watch] It is 8:37 in the morning
Walter Abrams: Wrong it's time to press my man we're going to yank out all the stops, when your winning you press you don't rest on your laurels what are you doing?
Brandon Lang: [grabbing his golf clubs from the closet] I have a ten thirty tee time with a client so don't call me unless the line's changed got it?
Walter Abrams: The salmon are running, you've got to stay here field phone calls you can't go out and have fun, come on, stop playing around you got work to do
Brandon Lang: I'm not "asking" you if I could go I'm "telling" you that's how it is, you want me to make my picks I can give you those
Walter Abrams: Start picking on Tuesday for the weekend, you know we're going to be advising somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty million dollars this week
Brandon Lang: Circling
[his picks on a piece of paper]
Brandon Lang: that's a nice neighborhood we should be doing double that by week ten
Walter Abrams: I see, you're going to make the picks no study no analysis you're just going to pick them
Brandon Lang: I'm locked in Walter I don't really need it there's my picks for This week
[hands Walter his picks]
Brandon Lang: , if you need next week's picks I can give you those by Friday
Walter Abrams: I'm starting to get the drift here we'll put these picks on ice and we'll talk about them tomorrow
Brandon Lang: I won't be in tomorrow
Walter Abrams: Then the next day
Brandon Lang: We'll talk about it
Brandon Lang: [Brandon ignores Walter and leaves]
Novian: [after Novian's bodyguard pushed Brandon off his bicycle and is holding down on the ground] I didn't reconize you without the suit John
Brandon Lang: [as Novian's bodyguard pins Brandon to the ground] This is my time off if you want to talk make an appointment
Novian: Should I call you Brandon? someone costs you thirty million you do research, I got more than your name, where you live, where you're from, where your family lives your mom's a sweet lady I just come from Vegas, she got me three black jacks she's a good woman, who's a cocky motherfucker that came into my house?
Brandon Lang: [nervously] You don't like the picks use somebody else
Novian: just come for an apology, just look me in the eye and say you're sorry, say it so it'll make me believe you mean it
Brandon Lang: [Novian's bodyguard stands Brandon up and his mouth next to Novian's ear] I'm sorry
Novian: Fuck that I'm not going to accept that, come on, one more time
Brandon Lang: [softly] I'm sorry
Novian: [starts to unzip his pants] You mother fucker your not even close, I'm going to get my satisfaction
Novian: [urinates on Brandon]
Walter Abrams: Wait a minute I just got an idea, it just came to me out of the blue, what about this? Brandon didn't tell me he was going to leave because you let him fuck you, you deny it?
Toni Morrow: Do I have to?
Walter Abrams: You know you did, I saw you Toni, I saw you and him that night I never went to Vegas
Toni Morrow: You mean you lied to me about the trip
Walter Abrams: Don't talk to me about lying
Toni Morrow: I guess you had the whole thing set up
Walter Abrams: Don't make this about me
Toni Morrow: You just put me out there on a tray?
Walter Abrams: I put a tray out there, you didn't have to sholve a fucking apple in your mouth and sit on it, admit it!
Toni Morrow: You played me
Walter Abrams: You have any idea? it worked didn't it?
Toni Morrow: Brandon was right
Walter Abrams: You don't deny it?
Toni Morrow: This is the best pick he ever made
Walter Abrams: I don't know what that means
Toni Morrow: You were gambling with me that night, Brandon knew it because he knew you, he told me he was sure you were watching somehow so he asked me to spend the night put on a show for you but I didn't believe him after all we've been through, so I figure what the hell, he slipped out the back no big deal he never even stayed here, you were in such a good the next day , I figured thank God he must've been wrong otherwise why wouldn't he confront us you wanted to lose like something you could toss on a table only we got you back Brandon and me who evidently love you more than you love yourself, your fantasy is to end alone with nothing, I won't let that happen I will never let that happen, this is all real you, and me and Julia we're all that's real
Brandon Lang: [in the living room inside Novian's mansion] Let's start with how much you bet
Novian: A million a game across the board
Novian: Is that the ceiling here? is that the most we're working with?
[looking out the window]
Novian: do you rent that yacht?
Novian: No, I own it
Brandon Lang: That's how I feel about this weekend and I'm not being cocky I'm being straight commerce with you, I didn't come here to bullshit you got some inside information I know these teams better than they know themselves I'm going twelve for twelve this weekend and that includes the Monday night parlay
Walter Abrams: [celebrating after Brandon went 20 for 20 in a single game, hugging each other] I've got to dance with you more
Toni Morrow: You do
Walter Abrams: I saw this house in the Bahamas, talk about an investment in case anyting should happen to me
Toni Morrow: I don't want to hear that
Walter Abrams: Why don't we go down there and check it out? just you and me, sit bare foot in the sand
Toni Morrow: Just tell me your not gambling
Walter Abrams: [they stop dancing] Eighteen years straight the shit's over
Toni Morrow: It's never over and you know that
Walter Abrams: How about a truth serum into the veins? Baby we just made two million dollars I want to celebrate with my wife I want to enjoy a dance
Walter Abrams: We need a bat light like one of those signals that shoot up into the clouds no matter where you are no matter what time of day just look up and say "hey Walter needs me" because I must have beeped you a hundred fucking times
Brandon Lang: Who were they?
Brandon Lang: the Salvation Army, how does someone go one for eight? A fucking monkey tossing darts could do better
Brandon Lang: What's with all the money?
Walter Abrams: I got a plan, we take all your picks we reverse them like one of those twilight zone episodes where everything is the opposite you say "black" we go white
Brandon Lang: How much is there?
Walter Abrams: [Holding up stacks of cash] peanuts, two hundred seventy five thousand that's how desperate I am
Brandon Lang: What happen to the two million?
Walter Abrams: Two million? I was carrying twice that in red ink before you even showed up, look around you everything you see is smoking mirrors I got three mortgages on this house what do you want to know? I'm gambling again
Jerry: [on the set of Walter's television show] I think I should lead off tonight I got some real strong stuff man
Walter Abrams: You got a good hole, stay in it
Jerry: Come on I went eight for twelve last week I'm hot I'm feeling it
Walter Abrams: You have one good weekend don't get pushy
Jerry: One good weekend? Sykes System revolutionized this industry am I wood?
[Shows a newspaper ad about Brandon]
Jerry: where's my fucking ad?
Walter Abrams: [Grabs the newspaper out of Jerry's hand and slams it down on the table] take a hike
Walter Abrams: You're fired you're gone
Jerry: I'm not fired you need me more than ever
Walter Abrams: Get out of here you cut rate parasite
Brandon Lang: [On the TV show] This is John Anthony, the million dollar man with the billion dollar plan, from Wall Street to Tokyo to Hollywood all your big money is going to stay and play with me, that's right, that's why they call me "the million dollar man", I can't say that, someone wrote some very clever stuff for me here like the "the million dollar man", so let's just call me John, I play quarter back division one and every QB knows the secret, the key to victory is anticipation, the ability to see the future and react to it, that is what I do, and that is the truth, for over one year I have been picking eighty percent winners unbelievable? Used to be, I know the leagues, I know the teams, I know the players, I know this wonderful game called football, call the number on the bottom of the screen and ask for John, let's make some money.
Walter Abrams: [inside Walter's office] There's half a dozen games left I want you to watch every second of every minute of every one of them so sit down, you know how you go three and eleven don't you? You go three and eleven when you make Sunday's picks on Tuesdays it rains in Cincinnati on Saturday two starting quarterbacks never got to play, that's how you go three and eleven, you're a handicapper not a psychic
Brandon Lang: We still got Monday night parlay
Walter Abrams: Fuck Monday night fuck the parlay this isn't about that it's not about me it's about the commission thing
Brandon Lang: I don't know about that
Walter Abrams: Don't bullshit me, I'm going to bump you ten percent ok? You earned it this is dangerous territory we're getting into, you understand that? But I'm going to bump you now talk to me about Monday night because everyone and I mean everyone is going to double down after the hole you just put them in
Toni Morrow: [to Toni while gently holding her hand] Will you have dinner with me tonight?
Brandon Lang: I'm married to Walter.
Brandon Lang: Ooooo... bogey.
Walter Abrams: Do you understand?
Brandon Lang: Hell yeah I understand. I'm John fucking Anthony: I've got a crystal ball!
Brandon Lang: [to Walter After leaving the gamblers anonymous meeting] What the fuck was that?
Walter Abrams: [On the TV show] Hello everybody and welcome to the big weekend. Never before in this industry has an offer been made like the one I'm about to present to you now. I am so confident for John Anthony's picks for this Sunday. I am so sure about the skills his brought to bare and so anxious for you to get on the phone and dial the toll free number and for the first time in sports adviser history I'm going to guarantee our picks this weekend.
Brandon Lang: What's that mean?
Walter Abrams: What does that mean? It means this: you tell us how much you're betting with your bookie you lose, we cover, you heard me right that's risk free.
Brandon Lang: Wow, that is all I can say, the phones are going to be flooded and they should be.
Walter Abrams: Hey, John why don't you run down the pit falls facing the average better because when you think about it, a game this huge all the added dynamics without your expertise I guess the average better might as well just flip a coin.
Brandon Lang: [in Brandon's office while looking at his pick sheet] What's your mother's name?
Brandon Lang: What street did you grow up on?
Mitch: Atlantic Avenue
Brandon Lang: Who do you like Monday night?
Mitch: I don't know.
Brandon Lang: Pick one.
Mitch: That's your job.
Brandon Lang: I'll do your job tomorrow, today you do mine, who do you like Monday night?
Mitch: What are you talking about?
Brandon Lang: Seattle versus New Orleans, stop stalling who do you like?
Mitch: I guess Seattle, plus the two points
Brandon Lang: Over or under?
Mitch: No you can't do that
Brandon Lang: No I can do that, over or under? Its forty four points
Brandon Lang: [Hands him the pick sheet] Seattle in the over, nice
Mitch: I'm not going to turn that in there's like a million dollars riding on that game
Brandon Lang: There's like a whole lot more than that, we all know I can pick, today I'm picking you and the outcome will be the same
Brandon Lang: [Narrating] I remember that day. And, believe it or not I remember that hit because of the smile it put on my dad's face. To my dad, sports was a religion, but to me, it was about purity. Sports was a place where all wrongs could be made right. I thought if I filled the whole house with trophies for him, he'd stick around. And when I did, he left before my tenth birthday.
Brandon Lang: [Narrating] I've been a quarterback since Pee Wee football, I've set high school records and won state championships. This was perfect: The championship game on national TV, pro scouts in the stands and I knew exactly what going to happen.
Brandon Lang: [Narrating] Football wasn't a sport, it was my life. I wasn't going to give up. I would play again. In the meantime, I needed a job to hold me over between tryouts. Then one day and it didn't take long, six years had passed and I woke up at the bottom. I got a job recording messages for nine hundred numbers also called "audio text", the racket had a lot of names, it was sports handicapping. I would predict winners for people who bet. The guy was sick, so I was just supposed to record his picks. The thing was, I didn't agree with them, living in Las Vegas, it was easy to gauge the temperature of the betting public. The problem with the betting public is that they are usually wrong.
Brandon Lang: [Recording his audio text] Kansas City is seven and one against the point spread versus the division opponents coming off Monday night game take KC minus the six call me tomorrow for my pro football game of the year. That's right here at nine hundred six five six until then good night and good gambling.
Brandon Lang: [referring to which team Stu should bet on] Where's the action this weekend?
Stu: It's either Tampa or Oakland, everybody's jumping on Oakland right now.
Brandon Lang: That's crazy, that game's going to be won by coaching.
Stu: Whoever put that Oakland team together used to play with Tampa right?
Brandon Lang: Yeah, he knows every strength and every weakness, he knows Brown only likes to catch the ball over his left shoulder so his going to have to double team to the defend his right. He also knows Cannon only throws on three step drops so he's going to stack in the middle of the field with line backers, take away the short pass Cannon's going to throw three maybe four long passes on Sunday.
Stu: Oh fuck me.
Brandon Lang: You took O- town didn't you?
Stu: Yeah what'd you think?
Brandon Lang: I think I've got to save your ass one more time, take Tampa Bay Monday night they're going to win this game out right, so bet it big.
Brandon Lang: [Looking at his paycheck] I went nine and two in pro football on Sunday to get my third straight Monday night parlay, it's worth twelve bucks an hour.
Steve: I don't even make twelve an hour
Brandon Lang: You're not picking seventy five percent
Steve: If you're that good why don't you bet your games and get rich and send me a postcard from the Riviera.
Walter Abrams: [over the phone] congratulations you went nine and two last Sunday. I don't know if you know me but I run the biggest sports betting service in the country and I'm a big fan of yours, as a matter of fact I got a poster of you on my wall
Brandon Lang: This is a joke right?
Walter Abrams: No this is not a joke, this is a job offer in your top drawer there's an envelope with your name on it, inside the envelop there's travel cash and an airline ticket, this isn't a magic trick I paid someone to put it there Who incidentally told me that the place you work in reminded him of a Turkish prison. All I'm asking you is to come up with a number, you write down the number of what you make now, then you cross it out and write what you should be making. Then you toss in what it's going to take you to fly to New York first class and come work for me. Now focus because with your injured knee, a comeback is just a dream my offer is real.
Brandon Lang: [Narrating, referring to Walter's job offer] With mom holding two jobs and Denny wanting to go to college this looked like a chance to make some real money besides I've never seen New York and New York's never seen me.
Walter Abrams: [Over the phone] Alright double it, triple it, no everything is about money, this Sunday my little girl, an angel turns six, this isn't is going to happen again, she love elephants your circus has ten. I only need one, my little girl's happiness is in your hands. I don't need parenting advice from a guy who doubles as a clown. I need an elephant. I'm willing to pay what it'll take to "grease your wheels" to get one here this weekend.
Walter Abrams: [Hangs up the phone frustrated]
Walter Abrams: [to Brandon] you look like your in great shape
Brandon Lang: I've been better
Walter Abrams: Your modest too, modesty is not a virtue could be a vice, there are rules to success, you ever sell before?
Walter Abrams: Are you religious?
Brandon Lang: I believe in God.
Walter Abrams: [yelling to his secretary Liz in the next room, referring to Brandon] this is me thirty years ago right? Remarkable resemblance his a little taller, I'll give him that,
Walter Abrams: you do anything other than the sports phone in Vegas?
Brandon Lang: Just the nine hundred number recordings, ten bucks a call
Walter Abrams: That's chump change, we're after much bigger fish here, the networks don't talk about it, government can't tax it but sports betting is a two hundred billion dollar a year business, there's a lot of gamblers out there and they have needs, they call us every Monday morning after a losing a Do you know why Monday Night Football is the most watched sport throughout the season? And after a losing weekend, they have big needs: gargantuan
[Turns on the TV]
Walter Abrams: That's every football game played last Sunday, do you know why Monday Night Football is the most watched football game of the week? because Monday is the last chance betters have to climb out of the hole they got themselves in, in order to pay their bookies on Tuesday sports betting is illegal in forty nine states including this one but what we do is not, we are one hundred percent legal, like stock brokers only instead of touting stocks we advise people how to bet, if a client wins by taking our advice we get a percentage and they'll gladly give it to us because they want to keep getting the advice but if they lose we get "zip", so the object here my dear tall athletic friend is to win.
Brandon Lang: I can do that.
Walter Abrams: [Changes the channel to watch his own TV show] That's my cable show airs Saturday and Sunday nationwide we tape Thursday and Friday, what's going on with my hair? My barber did it again you got one part of my head in Cleveland and the other part in Chicago, what are we going to do with this guy? My barber should be shot I want him dead
Brandon Lang: If all the picks are "free" why not charge a fee upfront initially?
Walter Abrams: You make a good point, next question
Brandon Lang: What's on the second floor?
Walter Abrams: That's where we "print" the money anything else?
Brandon Lang: No I think I got it, everything's crystal clear.
Walter Abrams: I like you, this thing's going to work
Brandon Lang: I'm looking forward to it
Walter Abrams: You ever have a manicure? There's a girl you've got to meet
Brandon Lang: Yeah? What's she like?
Walter Abrams: She's beautiful you're going to like her.
Brandon Lang: [Referring to Walter's prerequisite of Brandon getting a pedicure and manicure in Toni's beauty salon] This was his idea?
Toni Morrow: Yeah I know.
Brandon Lang: He makes all of his employees do this?
Toni Morrow: Yeah every one of them.
Brandon Lang: How often?
Toni Morrow: Once before they start work.
Brandon Lang: Weird.
Toni Morrow: You think so?
Brandon Lang: I've never had my nails done before.
Toni Morrow: I can see that but you've got strong hand that's nice, do you drink?
Brandon Lang: [Surprised by her directness] excuse me?
Toni Morrow: Alcohol, are you a drinker?
Brandon Lang: I have a beer every once in a while.
Toni Morrow: Smoke?
Brandon Lang: No.
Toni Morrow: What about gambling?
Brandon Lang: What about it?
Toni Morrow: I'm sorry I'm just a little pressed for time here, I asked, do you bet? Are you a better?
Brandon Lang: No.
Toni Morrow: Really?Why not?
Brandon Lang: Are you here full time?
Toni Morrow: Yeah this is my shop I better be.
Toni Morrow: Why don't you gamble?
Brandon Lang: I did once, I wagered everything I had and I lost and when I lost and I swore I wouldn't do it again.
Brandon Lang: [jokingly] I'm not going to start this relationship off by lying
Toni Morrow: That's good because Walter could definitely use someone with a little resolve in his life.
Brandon Lang: He told me I was coming down here to meet a nice lady...
Toni Morrow: I'm sure he did, that's ok I'm going to kill him when I get home. I mean he has a bright big beautiful spirit though and you will love working for him but he is held together by meetings if it has "Anonymous" at the end of the he goes he has to he also has to be very careful on who he lets into his life, in most ways Walter is brilliant but he can be bullshitted but I can't so he sends them to me before he hires them.
Brandon Lang: So this was my interview?
Toni Morrow: You're swift
Brandon Lang: How'd I do?
Toni Morrow: I would say perfect, congratulations
Brandon Lang: Thank you very much
Walter Abrams: I'm going to start you off on the nine hundred numbers same gig you had in Vegas you make your picks you record them once a day Monday through Friday five times a day on the weekend, each call is worth twenty five bucks a shot we're doing about three dozen hits a week that's nothing we should triple that, before you get into your test copy I got a few words for you your pitch sucks, no offense but you've got potential so we've got to find a way to "bust you out" and we're going to start by giving you a new name: John Anthony, it just came to me, the "million dollar man"
Brandon Lang: What's wrong with "Brandon Lang"?
Walter Abrams: Nothing's wrong with "Brandon Lang" it's just that he's still living with his mommy, John Anthony's living large, he don't hold back his got a direct line to God and for a measly twenty five bucks a call his going to let the world's losers listen in.
Walter Abrams: What's your sales pitch?
Brandon Lang: [telling Walter his sales pitch] This is John Anthony, "the million dollar man" from Wall Street to Tokyo to Hollywood all your big money stays and plays with me sit back and relax because it's a scud attack this weekend and I'm going to shell your book maker.
Walter Abrams: [disappointed] It's a start.
Brandon Lang: It's a start?
Walter Abrams: What can I tell you?
Brandon Lang: If that's not what you want, then you need to find someone else to sell and just let me pick
Walter Abrams: It's not about what I want it's about what Brandon wants
Brandon Lang: If I hear that I'm calling this number.
Walter Abrams: [referring to Brandon] This guy is a machine all he does is work out and pick winners talk about fit you should see him without his shirt off, serious sight of beef
Toni Morrow: Enjoy our daughter's birthday
Walter Abrams: You should check him out I know you want to
Toni Morrow: Get it out of your head it's a bad neighborhood
Walter Abrams: [In a restaurant] Anyone who goes twenty for twenty four college football twelve for fourteen professional football,l a hundred and seventy five calls on the nine hundred number you can call "Bruschetta" whatever you want, you ever have a thousand bottle of wine?
Brandon Lang: No
Toni Morrow: It's a waste he hardly drinks
Walter Abrams: It's a celebration just because he's out with a couple of reformed drunks that doesn't mean he can't enjoy himself
Toni Morrow: I was a lot of things I never was a drunk
Brandon Lang: Actually truth be told I never had a twelve dollar bottle of water
Walter Abrams: He thinks we're fighting
Toni Morrow: Yeah he does
Brandon Lang: [Raises his glass to Toni and Walter] This is great, look, all of this thank you
Toni Morrow: [referring to Brandon, to Walter] Watch out he's a fixer, what'd the doctor say?
Walter Abrams: If you really want to know I've been meaning to tell you, I went yesterday he seemed very concerned, he sat me down and looked into my eyes and asked "who do you like in the Buffalo/Oakland game?
Brandon Lang: [laughing] You tell him Buffalo?
Walter Abrams: [to Toni] you haven't touched your sauce its chocolate I hear it's good for you
Toni Morrow: I'm not raising our kid alone
Walter Abrams: Don't be dramatic in Biblical times you'd move in with my brother Morty
Brandon Lang: [Sees Alexandria from across the room] I like her a lot I think she's extremely cute
Walter Abrams: "Beauty and the beasts" she's looking at you
Brandon Lang: So are those two guys she's with
Walter Abrams: I'll bet you ten to one on a thousand you can't pick her up that's ten thousand cash if you leave this restaurant with that girl
Toni Morrow: I got a better idea why we don't we just go to Atlantic City and open a house account? You know you can't gamble
Walter Abrams: Who's gambling? I haven't flipped a coin since the eighties this is just a challenge
Brandon Lang: Ten thousand, cash?
Walter Abrams: What are you going to do?
Brandon Lang: I'm going to introduce myself
Walter Abrams: "John Anthony" can "close" her.
Brandon Lang: [Brandon driving Toni to work] let me ask you a question, when you're not at the salon or bringing Julia to play dates or keeping Walter in line which I know is a full time job, what do you for you?
Toni Morrow: I stay busy
Brandon Lang: That's not what I asked what do you for you?
Toni Morrow: I was a junkie so every day I get up I wonder "is this the day? Is this the day i slip? End up back on the street?" just keeping it all on track that's what I do for me
Brandon Lang: Well that's not living that is maintaining, that's cashing in that's not living
Toni Morrow: What the hell does that mean? Are we talking "perfection" here?
Brandon Lang: I'm not talking "perfection" nobody's perfect except for me last weekend going 14-0
Toni Morrow: [Referring to Walter, while dining at a fancy restaurant] He's gambling
Brandon Lang: Yeah
Toni Morrow: He's gambling I just can't believe it I never saw it coming I just couldn't stop it
Brandon Lang: I've got to win one more game
Walter Abrams: Ok now you're ready, now you're going to the second floor this is where we print the money, this is where the sales people turn a ten dollar better to a thousand dollar better before he knows he even made the phone call. I got three guys who can pick games, twenty guys who can sell, I never had a guy who can do both but now I do
Brandon Lang: You mean me?
Walter Abrams: Not you, I'm talking about "John Anthony"
Brandon Lang: "John Anthony" doesn't exist
Walter Abrams: I'm shocked because I'm standing in his office and your sitting in his chair
Brandon Lang: So you want me to sell like those guys out there?
Walter Abrams: Yes big betters don't want to talk to middle men they want to talk to the guy giving them the picks, there's a few choice phrases we use and just start with those like this one: "I don't want your money I want your bookies' fucking money", say it back to me.
Brandon Lang: "I don't want your money I want your bookies' money"
Walter Abrams: That's not bad, what happened to "fuck"?
Brandon Lang: What about it?
Walter Abrams: I said it, you didn't, It's a religious thing?
Brandon Lang: No it's not a religious thing
Walter Abrams: It was alright for Chaucer six hundred years ago, I don't want to embarrass you but I have to do this
Brandon Lang: What?
Walter Abrams: [Opens the door to Brandon's office yells to his entire staff] I got someone here who has a problem saying "fuck"
Leon: [During a Gamblers Anonymous meeting] You think with two mortgages out, the repo guy staking out my car, my job on the line, and my wife threatening to leave me that I'd stop but I'm "staying in the chase" doubling down, I guess I've been doing pretty good because I know I've got one big problem.
Walter Abrams: [to a Gamblers Anonymous member as he quickly leaves with Brandon] If you rethink things over here's my card and put it in your wallet, we're toping eighty percent this weekend, you'll never know when you'll relapse.
Walter Abrams: [to Brandon in his office, referring to how to sell to his clients his sales pitch] The only thing you've got to know about any of our clients is that they are all in the hole, the second they pick up the phone we've got them, you get to the point you're "above" them let them know that, let them feel it, give them more "John Anthony".
Brandon Lang: [Over the phone in his office] Hello to you, how's your morning going?
Amir: [Over the phone in his dry cleaners shop] Yes hello.
Brandon Lang: Mine started pretty outstanding but not as outstanding as the weekend I'm planning, how much can you lay with your bookie? Twenty grand?
Amir: Are you crazy? No way, I was betting a thousand a game.
Brandon Lang: I got a game I'm calling my "lock of the decade "Texas versus OU, Texas receiving six points in this game their going to win by two touchdowns.
Amir: I like Oklahoma in that game.
Brandon Lang: You do?
Amir: I shouldn't have called thank you very much your time.
Brandon Lang: What's your favorite drink?
Amir: I don't know, Piña Colada.
Brandon Lang: [in hid office, advising his brother over the phone on which teams to bet on] Denny boy I got something good for you this weekend: Green Bay versus Minnesota I want you to lay five hundred dollars on the cheese heads, let Stu in on that too, take care of mom and I'll talk to you soon
Walter Abrams: [while having dinner at Walter and Toni's home] I'm thinking putting "John Anthony" on TV this week if you do this, from here on out you're going to have to eat, sleep, breath, talk, walk and fart "John Anthony" that's the way it is there's no holding back you've got to be it or it doesn't work
Toni Morrow: That's right just think it over and don't decide now
Brandon Lang: If it's the only move, it means I've got to do a little acting I'm cool with that
Walter Abrams: No, no acting this is living you didn't hear me from here on out Brandon Lang and his fettuccine knee and self fucking pity is as flat dead as Donald trump's hair and John "I can walk on fucking water "Anthony has taken his place. I'm going to build an empire around you its going to cost me, do you understand what I'm saying?
Brandon Lang: Hell yeah I understand, I'm "John fucking Anthony" I've got a crystal ball
Walter Abrams: I'm looking for a car for my friend
Mercedes Dealer: Let's see what we can do, Mr. Anthony?
Brandon Lang: [while posing as John Anthony] Yes sir
Mercedes Dealer: Do you have any credit?
Brandon Lang: [amused] No
Mercedes Dealer: [to Walter] of course not, I don't know, can you trust him?
Walter Abrams: With my wife: NAKED
Mercedes Dealer: [to Brandon] In that case the floor is yours
Chuck: [On the TV show] How many gamblers did I bail out last weekend with my game of the year? A hundred dollar better made ten thousand dollars a five hundred dollar better made fifty thousand dollars I got six games on Sunday I'm releasing absolutely free these games are a burial, a blowout, a human lock, you can bet your children's unborn children on these six games ABSOLUTELY FREE!
Walter Abrams: [to Toni, referring to Brandon on his first day as one of the new hosts for Walter's sports advisement shows] Go back to sleep I'm not here, what a show you should've seen him. I just sat there and watched him roll, I swear he made me want to pick up the phone and call him I took all the sales boys out to get them prime for the weekend and Chuck got so drunk he took a swing at one of the deer heads on the wall. I'm going to have to hire more guys on Monday I've got to get more phones, everything is getting "amped" up, this guy I'm going to do this whole dot com thing around him. When I was his age I never had a mentor and now I got a protégé someone you hand it all down to, anything happens to me he steps in just knowing that gives me a sigh of relief, it's like having a son
Jerry: [Bursts into Brandon's office] Do you think New York will win this weekend?
Brandon Lang: [sarcastically] A knock would be nice
Jerry: I'm kind of underwater here, a "yes" or "no" would be great
Brandon Lang: No I don't
Jerry: well, If you know something or if you hear anything you've got to let me know because that's the way we work around here
Brandon Lang: [sarcastically] I'll rush right over, stat
Jerry: I've been working here for six years and you've been here for one
Walter Abrams: [Walter walks into the office, to Jerry] what are you doing in here? Hit the phones and do some damage control rewrite that computer program of yours
Jerry: What can I say? It was a fucked weekend
Walter Abrams: [to Brandon] There's a "fifty dime" bettor on line three and wants to talk to John Anthony
Brandon Lang: What's his name?
Walter Abrams: His name is McCall his a gazillionaire he owns a couple dozen of McDonald franchise restaurants
Jerry: Wait a minute. I landed that lead his my guy
Walter Abrams: "Was" your guy
Jerry: [Referring to Brandon] He's raiding my lists now?
Walter Abrams: Your clients are jumping ship you lactose-intolerant fuck, get out of my sight
Denny: [Over the phone, while leaving the television studio after a taping] Did dad reach you?
Brandon Lang: Dad, no why?
Denny: He must be out of money, he keeps calling he saw you on TV and wants to talk to you. I gave him your work number but they won't put him through
Brandon Lang: I don't know what that's about I'll check into it
Walter Abrams: [to Toni while walking with her and Brandon] Will you stop worrying we're set for life we've got "Jimmy the Greek", here he makes Nostradamus look like a fucking novelty act.
Brandon Lang: Have you been blocking any of my calls?
Walter Abrams: Of course you don't need distractions right now a lot of crazies out there.
Brandon Lang: Does that include my father?
Walter Abrams: If you're asking me, I'll tell you, yeah it does.
Brandon Lang: You son of a bitch, for how long?
Walter Abrams: About two weeks would you have taken the call if I put it through?
Brandon Lang: That's not the point.
Walter Abrams: Then what is the point? I'd like to know, what's the story with you and your father?
Brandon Lang: You tell me you seem to know.
Walter Abrams: Well I know pieces, that's about all I know, I was just trying to spare you.
Brandon Lang: Spare me? What are you going to spare me from? He was a God damn drunk he left when I was nine I couldn't compete with his bottle: end of fucking story, so don't spare me nothing, if I want to talk to him I will.
Walter Abrams: My father broke my nose three times, and Toni's childhood wasn't any better, she was abused by everybody in her family except the family dog, your father a drunk, and a jerk so what? It happens, I'm glad I blocked those calls you know why? You need a new image of a man, how about me?
Brandon Lang: [Toni starts laughing] That's a scary fucking thought.
Walter Abrams: Listen, the shit that happened to you, to me and to Toni you know what that is? We're just that fucked up, you've just got to say that out loud "we are just that fucked and we're not going to take it anymore".
Amir: [Over the phone] Don't get me wrong, fifty thousand seems slightly steep
Brandon Lang: Steep? let's rewind here a second first time you called me you're in a hole the size of the Grand Canyon your crying to me how you have to hock your fiancée's ring now today your calling me from a red convertible F1 Ferrari is that it? Candy red, you doing the math? if we're going to keep working together I'm going to charge you a ten percent aggravation tax get your ass to Western Union tonight wire me seventy five grand and maybe we can kiss and make up
Walter Abrams: [Sees Brandon's good bye letter on the dresser in his apartment ] He left.
Toni Morrow: I know.
Walter Abrams: You didn't tell me? How about that? No "good bye", nothing.
Toni Morrow: I'm sure it's all there in the letter.
Walter Abrams: I'm sure it is but I wonder what's not in here.
Toni Morrow: What do you mean?
Walter Abrams: What do you mean? "What do I mean?"
Toni Morrow: He had enough he wanted his life back.
Walter Abrams: He said that to you?
Toni Morrow: Yeah, loud and clear by leaving.
Walter Abrams: I think there was something else.
Toni Morrow: Yeah, tell me.
Walter Abrams: You have no idea? I guess Brandon was home sick or maybe he had such deep feelings for me that he couldn't face saying good bye.
Walter Abrams: [after bursting into his office] We've got to go to Puerto Rico
Brandon Lang: [after putting mother on hold] What's in Puerto Rico?
Walter Abrams: C.M. Novian just called he lives in Puerto Rico, his the biggest sports better in the world. We have hit the jack pot, he wants to have a sit down and talk with you.
Brandon Lang: I got it how much time we got? Forty five minutes the plane leaves LaGuardia, what'd you know about this guy?
Walter Abrams: Not much except he is a world class prick he wouldn't return my phone calls treated me worse than my Hong Kong tailor, you know how long I've been trying to "bag" this guy? Have you got any idea what this thing is worth?
Brandon Lang: No but I want a bonus if we pull this off.
Walter Abrams: Not "if", it's "when", remember, he called us, you hooked him.
Jerry: [Celebrating Brandon after he won one hundred percent for the games he predicted that weekend] Congratulations Brandon or should I say "John"? Either way it's amazing I'm very impressed, letting salesmen make your picks? That's balls.
Brandon Lang: You better collect some of the winnings right now because the way you're picking you're going to need some for a rainy day.
Jerry: Enjoy it while it lasts, gambling gods, fickle bunch their so easily offended.
Brandon Lang: [Celebrating after wining twenty for twenty] You the man big papa.
Walter Abrams: [hugging each other] I love you forever.
Brandon Lang: How much of that cash would be for me?
Walter Abrams: How about a one with five zeros behind it?
Brandon Lang: [surprised and disappointed by the low amount] A hundred grand? On two million?
Walter Abrams: You'd be working out of my "shop".
Brandon Lang: Yes sir I am this is your "shop", I'm just saying feed the horse, maybe ten percent?
Walter Abrams: [amused] Ten percent? Is that what you're thinking? That's a beautiful thought, forget it.
Brandon Lang: [Over the phone] It's going to be ok, we're going to get back on track this weekend, you hear me?
Amir: Still you talk like this, who the fuck are you? Like this is some kind of game you ruined me. I was betting a few thousand on Sunday when I called you but you pushed me every call all the time with your talk, no words now? No more money to squeeze so you shut up? How do you fucking live with yourself?
Walter Abrams: To cover my losses, I just got a loan from a guy who works out of a bar on a hundred and sixth on Broadway, the trouble with me is I started betting you heavy after you won a hundred percent and I rode you right to the fucking toilet.
Brandon Lang: I know what the problem is I'll take care of all this shit check this out: I'm Brandon Lang I'm the kid who plays sports and the kid who loves sports I'm the kid who can pick the winners, I'm the kid you called in Las Vegas somewhere along the way I lost something I don't know what but I know I've got to go back to being me and if I go back to Brandon I can pick again.
Walter Abrams: Forget "John Anthony" burn the suits it's my fault I fucked with you, only two games two winners, two overs or unders.
Brandon Lang: That's right.
Walter Abrams: I'll get the guys to crunch the numbers spread a little of the "Brandon magic" over everybody and get the sales people burning up the phones come Monday we go four for four.
Brandon Lang: [Growing confidence] Four for four.
Walter Abrams: [Watching and Explaining the football game to Julia] Come and watch with me my angel. I need you to root for me, see that team over there? Those are the bad guys we don't want them that's Atlanta we want the good guys the blue team that's New York and New York's got to win by more than five points only you got to root for a low score because both teams together have to make less than forty two points total: so its New York's in under forty two points
Brandon Lang: [after losing another game] I'm finished
Walter Abrams: That's great to hear
Brandon Lang: I'm done, I don't eat, and I'm not sleeping
Walter Abrams: What are you trying to say? You've got a little indigestion and some insomnia and you're going to quit? A Hail Mary pass, these things happen
Brandon Lang: I'm telling you it's over, what use is this "John Anthony" to you? The streak he's been on?
Walter Abrams: forget this defeatist bullshit hot streaks go cold, cold streaks go hot, they know you went eighty percent for half a season and their going to remember as soon as you win a game then we go into March Madness baseball next year this time wouldn't even be a memory
Brandon Lang: Who ever said anything about next year?
Walter Abrams: [Toni walks in] You made a career choice and I bank rolled it
Toni Morrow: Let him go
Walter Abrams: Let him go? Of course you'd stick up for him
Toni Morrow: Meaning what?
Walter Abrams: I don't know, meaning whose side are you on?
Toni Morrow: I didn't realize I had to choose
Walter Abrams: [to Brandon] you're a champion, a champion goes down eighty six times his up on the eighty seventh. I'm not going to let you stay down besides this is not about you or you or me, it's about your gift, your gift transcends all this shit. Your gift is cosmic, its metaphysic, its eternal it is God. Besides we have a contract
Brandon Lang: Bullshit
Walter Abrams: Bullshit?
Toni Morrow: You can't own someone
Walter Abrams: [to Brandon] Who owns him? I created the greatest sports tout this country's ever seen. I hooked him up with every major client I built the fucking television show around him, I took out full page ads, I introduced him to the major clients of the world I did that, I hooked you up with everybody you think you're going to walk out that door and take that with you and leave me here holding the fucking sack? Bullshit
Walter Abrams: I don't even know why I'm talking to you about this, what the hell does this have to do with you? You know this is between me and him, what are you doing in this office? Get out of here
Brandon Lang: Don't talk to her like that, this is between me and you
Walter Abrams: Yeah this is between me and you, you telling me how to talk to my wife? You shut your fucking toilet when I'm talking to her
Toni Morrow: [Escorting Brandon out of Walter's office] Leave, please just go, listen to me you son of a bitch don't you ever talk to me like that
Walter Abrams: I'm sorry
Walter Abrams: [Waking Brandon up, referring to their argument they had the night before] Its six in the morning, all is forgiven. I've got to go to Vegas, meet with some clients "a hand holding" thing, just keep it on board for the last game because you can do this thing. End of the season is the perfect time to turn the streak around. I'll be back tonight we'll go out and have a good meal and get you back in the groove again. Nine thirty at Nobu, we're turning it around.
Brandon Lang: [Talking to his pee wee football team] We got a tough team today, the toughest on our schedule. The most important thing we're going to do today is have fun, we're going to play loose, we're going to enjoy ourselves, we're going to play this wonderful game of football.