- Ricky Bobby: You sick sons of bitches. I mean you walk in that door, on your two legs... all fat and cocky and lookin' at me in my chair. And you tell me its all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons... Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.
- Lucius Washington: [enraged] Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!
- Lucius Washington: You're not gonna live forever.
- Ricky Bobby: No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?
- Lucius Washington: No, I don't know what that means. I guess longer life.
- Ricky Bobby: No, he didn't live. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that.
- Ricky Bobby: Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said..."I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?
- Ricky Bobby: [running around on the track in his underwear] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
- Opening text: America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed. -Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936
- Texas Ranger: [complaining about doing community service] When do we get to stop doing this, Grandma?
- Lucy Bobby: Well, I don't know, honey. When are you boys going to stop tossing me the radio in the bathtub?
- Ricky Bobby: Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake 'n Bake!
- [puts hand out]
- Ricky Bobby: No, never again.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: You're right. I was like a total dick, man.
- Ricky Bobby: From now on, you're the Magic Man and I'm El Diablo.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: What does Diablo mean?
- Ricky Bobby: It's like... Spanish for like a fighting chicken.
- [on why Ricky should resume his racing career]
- Susan: It's because it's what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky. You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?
- Ricky Bobby: [pauses] Susan, I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.
- Ricky Bobby: [after driving in reverse to beat McMurray] Hey Jamie, losing's never fun, but here's a little something to keep your spirits up!
- [Gives him the finger]
- Ricky Bobby: It's real nice. I got it at Target. It was on sale.
- Chip: I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are *terrible* boys!
- Walker: Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!
- Texas Ranger: I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah!
- Ricky Bobby: Yeah! Now turn up the heat!
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Go on and get some, boys!
- Ricky Bobby: Come on!
- Walker: I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!
- Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Like a spider monkey! Go on!
- Ricky Bobby: Chip, you brought this on, man.
- Walker: Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!
- Chip: What is wrong with you?
- Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!
- Jean Girard: [has Ricky in an arm lock] I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say..."I... love... crepes."
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run.
- Ricky Bobby: I'm not gonna say it.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Good.
- Ricky Bobby: Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?
- Jean Girard: I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby, but I am a man of my word.
- Ricky Bobby: Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini!
- [he tries unsuccessfully to get free]
- Jean Girard: Whoa! Get down, you little pancake.
- Ricky Bobby: Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here.
- Jean Girard: But you have forced me to do this. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, "I love crepes."
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better.
- Ricky Bobby: Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah.
- Jean Girard: Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them.
- Ricky Bobby: Oh, my god, I love those.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it.
- Ricky Bobby: They come with cheese sometimes?
- Jean Girard: Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe.
- Ricky Bobby: Well, why didn't someone yell that right-right away?
- Jean Girard: Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?
- Ricky Bobby: Oh, I love the crepe suzette.
- Jean Girard: With the sugar and lemon juice...
- Ricky Bobby: Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure.
- Jean Girard: Grand Marnier.
- Ricky Bobby: I wo - I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake!
- Ricky Bobby: What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!
- Jean Girard: Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy?
- Ricky Bobby: [television commercial] Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then f-*bleep* you.
- Reese Bobby: Now, you show me the DNA test and then maybe I'll, uh... I'll say hello to these swamp rats.
- Frank: [from the house next door] You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent tryin' to sleep!
- Reese Bobby: You better shut the hell up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!
- Lucy Bobby: Yeah, shut up, Frank!
- Walker: Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!
- Reese Bobby: Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.
- Reese Bobby: [walks into the classroom] Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky.
- 10-year-old Ricky: Dad!
- Reese Bobby: Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?
- 10-year-old Ricky: Ten years.
- Reese Bobby: Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.
- [puts a cigarette in his mouth]
- Schoolteacher: Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.
- Reese Bobby: Oh, it's all right, darling, I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist.
- Classmates: OOOOHHHH!
- Reese Bobby: And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver, is that you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here.
- Schoolteacher: Okay, I think that's enough.
- Reese Bobby: Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong because it's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid.
- [classmates all cheer]
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: There is something I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I... I mean you probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho.
- PA Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is a statement of fact, and is in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation.
- Ricky Bobby: [television commercial] Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use... MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!
- Jean Girard: Bon. So, what if you just said: "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?
- Kyle: That is a fair compromise.
- Herschell: Very fair, actually.
- Ricky Bobby: No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crêpes!
- Kyle: That's actually a pretty good compromise right there.
- Jean Girard: Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?
- Ricky Bobby: You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: [leans down to talk to Ricky in a low voice] Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.
- Ricky Bobby: [whispering] What do you think?
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Don't say it.
- Ricky Bobby: Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepé Le Pew!
- Jean Girard: As you wish.
- [He breaks Ricky's arm]
- Ricky Bobby: [in pain] He actually did it!
- Larry Dennit, Jr.: That little obscene gesture is going to cost us a bundle.
- Ricky Bobby: With all due respect, I didn't realize you'd gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed.
- Ricky Bobby: How was school today, boys?
- Walker: I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.
- [Chip is startled]
- Ricky Bobby: Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?
- Texas Ranger: The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Bingo.
- Ricky Bobby: Nice.
- Texas Ranger: She said, "No, you're wrong." I said, "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.
- [from the unrated version]
- Ricky Bobby: Hey. I lost my license. That's why I'm on the bus... I'm delivering pizzas.
- Passenger on Bus: Mothafucka, what makes you think I care? Shut the fuck up!
- Ricky Bobby: I- I've just telling you that 'cause, like I said, I lost my license. I've just been having a lot of problems lately.
- Passenger on Bus: Problems? I don't want to hear about your damn problems! Everybody's got problems! My momma got problems she just lost her leg! My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle! My dog just threw up somebody's finger! That's a problem!
- Ricky Bobby: I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.
- Ricky Bobby: Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
- Ricky Bobby: Wow. I feel like I'm Highlander!
- Jean Girard: [Jean chuckles, confused] What is the Highlander?
- Ricky Bobby: It's a movie. It won the Academy Award.
- Jean Girard: Oh for what?
- Ricky Bobby: Best movie ever made.
- Walker: Shut up in here! I'm trying to sleep!
- Texas Ranger: One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!
- Ricky Bobby: OK, I'm really gonna open it up! Woohoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I missed you, Mama Speed! Ricky Bobby's back!
- Larry Dennit, Jr.: How fast is he going?
- Lucius Washington: 26 miles an hour.
- Jarvis: Cal, Ricky's passing you.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Do you think Ricky is passing me in my subconscious?
- Jarvis: No, he's actually passing you. That's happening right now.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Did he just say "husband"?
- Herschell: Wow... Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate!
- Ricky Bobby: The room's startin' to spin real fast... cause of... cause of all the gayness. Cal... I love you.
- [Ricky faints]
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Ricky! Ricky! OH GOD!
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Hey, when you have the stereo and TV on, how do you change the volume on the stereo?
- Ricky Bobby: "If you have the stereo on..." Why do you have the stereo on while you're watching TV?
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Cause I like to party.
- Jean Girard: My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula Un. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.
- Ricky Bobby: I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Did you eat some peanut butter or something?
- Ricky Bobby: Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth
- Jean Girard: I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French.
- Ricky Bobby: You say you're French?
- Jean Girard: Oui.
- [sounds like 'We']
- Ricky Bobby: We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet
- Jean Girard: Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?
- Ricky Bobby: Chinese food?
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chinese food.
- Jean Girard: That's from China.
- Ricky Bobby: Pizza.
- Jean Girard: Italy.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chimichanga.
- Jean Girard: Mexico.
- Ricky Bobby: Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?
- Jean Girard: We invented democracy, existentialism, and the ménage à trois.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Those are three pretty good things.
- Ricky Bobby: Hey.
- Cal Naughton, Jr.: Well that last one's pretty cool.
- Ricky Bobby: I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, "hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?" I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.
- Lucy Bobby: So how was your day driving with you father?
- Ricky Bobby: Well let's see. I got mauled by a cougar, my Crystal Gayle shirt is ruined, and I didn't learn dick about driving. Other than that, it was great.
- Schoolteacher: Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?
- 10-year-old Ricky: No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he's out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.
- [classmates laugh at what Ricky said]
- Schoolteacher: Okay, kids, that's enough. Were gonna move on to Brennan.
- 10-Year-Old Cal: Don't pay them no mind, Ricky.
- 10-year-old Ricky: Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever.
- Lucy Bobby: Reese, you just passed the hospital!
- Lucy Bobby: [they keep on driving] The baby's coming, he's coming now!
- Reese Bobby: All right, all right, hold on.
- Lucy Bobby: Okay, but i think he might be stuck.
- Reese Bobby: Grab onto something! Ready? One, two, THREE!
- [He slams the brakes and we hear Ricky pop out of Lucy]
- Lucy Bobby: It's a baby boy!
- Ricky Bobby: If you ain't first, you're last. You know, you know what I'm talking about?
- [to television camera]
- Ricky Bobby: That there is trademarked, not to be used without written permission of Ricky Bobby, Inc.
- Ricky Bobby: I will not shake your hand, but I will give you this.
- [kisses Jean Girard]
- Jean Girard: You taste of America.
- Ricky Bobby: Thank you.
- Walker: [the boys are running around when they should be in Sunday school] ANARCHY! ANARCHY!
- Texas Ranger: I don't know what that means, but I LOVE it!