Ricky Bobby: Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said..."I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."
Ricky Bobby: Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces... newborn infant Jesus, don't even know a word yet.
Ricky Bobby: You sick sons of bitches. I mean you walk in that door, on your two legs... all fat and cocky and lookin' at me in my chair. And you tell me its all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons... Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.
Lucius Washington: [enraged] Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!
Texas Ranger: [complaining about doing community service] When do we get to stop doing this, Grandma?
Lucy Bobby: Well, I don't know, honey. When are you boys going to stop tossing me the radio in the bathtub?
Lucius Washington: You're not gonna live forever.
Ricky Bobby: No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it's not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?
Lucius Washington: No, I don't know what that means. I guess longer life.
Ricky Bobby: No, he didn't live. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party.
Opening text: America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed. -Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936
Ricky Bobby: [running around on the track in his underwear] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?
Ricky Bobby: This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.
Ricky Bobby: Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.
[on why Ricky should resume his racing career]
Susan: It's because it's what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky. You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?
Ricky Bobby: [pauses] Susan, I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake 'n Bake!
[puts hand out]
Ricky Bobby: No, never again.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: You're right. I was like a total dick, man.
Ricky Bobby: From now on, you're the Magic Man and I'm El Diablo.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: What does Diablo mean?
Ricky Bobby: It's like... Spanish for like a fighting chicken.
Ricky Bobby: [television commercial] Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then f-*bleep* you.
Chip: I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are *terrible* boys!
Walker: Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!
Texas Ranger: I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah!
Ricky Bobby: Yeah! Now turn up the heat!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Go on and get some, boys!
Ricky Bobby: Come on!
Walker: I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!
Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Like a spider monkey! Go on!
Ricky Bobby: Chip, you brought this on, man.
Walker: Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!
Chip: What is wrong with you?
Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!
Jean Girard: [has Ricky in an arm lock] I will let you go, Ricky. But first, I want you to say..."I... love... crepes."
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run.
Ricky Bobby: I'm not gonna say it.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Good.
Ricky Bobby: Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?
Jean Girard: I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby, but I am a man of my word.
Ricky Bobby: Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini!
[he tries unsuccessfully to get free]
Jean Girard: Whoa! Get down, you little pancake.
Ricky Bobby: Someone might as well get me a beer while I'm down here.
Jean Girard: But you have forced me to do this. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous. Just say, "I love crepes."
Cal Naughton, Jr.: You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning. They're just like pancakes, maybe even better.
Ricky Bobby: Wait, are they the really thin pancakes?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah.
Jean Girard: Yes they are. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them.
Ricky Bobby: Oh, my god, I love those.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Put any syrups you want on them. I'm just saying, think about it.
Ricky Bobby: They come with cheese sometimes?
Jean Girard: Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe.
Ricky Bobby: Well, why didn't someone yell that right-right away?
Jean Girard: Do you know what's in the crepe suzette?
Ricky Bobby: Oh, I love the crepe suzette.
Jean Girard: With the sugar and lemon juice...
Ricky Bobby: Yeah, the sugar and the lemon juice. Sure.
Jean Girard: Grand Marnier.
Ricky Bobby: I wo - I wish I could crawl into one of those right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside.
Reese Bobby: [walks into the classroom] Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky.
10-year-old Ricky: Dad!
Reese Bobby: Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?
10-year-old Ricky: Ten years.
Reese Bobby: Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.
[puts a cigarette in his mouth]
Schoolteacher: Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.
Reese Bobby: Oh, it's all right, darling, I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist.
Reese Bobby: And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver, is that you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here.
Schoolteacher: Okay, I think that's enough.
Reese Bobby: Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong because it's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid.
[classmates all cheer]
Ricky Bobby: [after driving in reverse to beat McMurray] Hey Jamie, losing's never fun, but here's a little something to keep your spirits up!
[Gives him the finger]
Ricky Bobby: It's real nice. I got it at Target. It was on sale.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: There is something I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I... I mean you probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho.
Reese Bobby: Now, you show me the DNA test and then maybe I'll, uh... I'll say hello to these swamp rats.
Frank: [from the house next door] You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent tryin' to sleep!
Reese Bobby: You better shut the hell up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!
Lucy Bobby: Yeah, shut up, Frank!
Walker: Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!
Reese Bobby: Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.
Ricky Bobby: Wow. I feel like I'm Highlander!
Jean Girard: [Jean chuckles, confused] What is the Highlander?
Ricky Bobby: It's a movie. It won the Academy Award.
Jean Girard: Oh for what?
Ricky Bobby: Best movie ever made.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagle's wings, and singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I'm in the front row and I'm hammered drunk!
PA Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is a statement of fact, and is in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation.
Reese Bobby: Hey shut up you little pot-licker I'll stick you in a microwave!
Ricky Bobby: OK, I'm really gonna open it up! Woohoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I missed you, Mama Speed! Ricky Bobby's back!
Larry Dennit, Jr.: How fast is he going?
Lucius Washington: 26 miles an hour.
Jean Girard: Bon. So, what if you just said: "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?
Kyle: That is a fair compromise.
Herschell: Very fair, actually.
Ricky Bobby: No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crêpes!
Kyle: That's actually a pretty good compromise right there.
Jean Girard: Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?
Ricky Bobby: You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: [leans down to talk to Ricky in a low voice] Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.
Ricky Bobby: [whispering] What do you think?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Don't say it.
Ricky Bobby: Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepé Le Pew!
Jean Girard: As you wish.
[He breaks Ricky's arm]
Ricky Bobby: [in pain] He actually did it!
Ricky Bobby: [television commercial] Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use... MayPax. The official tampon of NASCAR.
Ricky Bobby: How was school today, boys?
Walker: I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.
[Chip is startled]
Ricky Bobby: Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?
Texas Ranger: The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Bingo.
Ricky Bobby: Nice.
Texas Ranger: She said, "No, you're wrong." I said, "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.
[from the unrated version]
Ricky Bobby: Hey. I lost my license. That's why I'm on the bus... I'm delivering pizzas.
Passenger on Bus: Mothafucka, what makes you think I care? Shut the fuck up!
Ricky Bobby: I- I've just telling you that 'cause, like I said, I lost my license. I've just been having a lot of problems lately.
Passenger on Bus: Problems? I don't want to hear about your damn problems! Everybody's got problems! My momma got problems she just lost her leg! My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle! My dog just threw up somebody's finger! That's a problem!
Ricky Bobby: I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Did he just say "husband"?
Herschell: Wow... Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate!
Ricky Bobby: The room's startin' to spin real fast... cause of... cause of all the gayness. Cal... I love you.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Ricky! Ricky! OH GOD!
Jarvis: Cal, Ricky's passing you.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Do you think Ricky is passing me in my subconscious?
Jarvis: No, he's actually passing you. That's happening right now.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake!
Ricky Bobby: What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!
Jean Girard: Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy?
Ricky Bobby: Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
Schoolteacher: Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?
10-year-old Ricky: No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But, my mama say he's out racing cars, and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.
[classmates laugh at what Ricky said]
Schoolteacher: Okay, kids, that's enough. Were gonna move on to Brennan.
10-Year-Old Cal: Don't pay them no mind, Ricky.
10-year-old Ricky: Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever.
Walker: Shut up in here! I'm trying to sleep!
Texas Ranger: One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!
Ricky Bobby: If you ain't first, you're last. You know, you know what I'm talking about?
[to television camera]
Ricky Bobby: That there is trademarked, not to be used without written permission of Ricky Bobby, Inc.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Hey, when you have the stereo and TV on, how do you change the volume on the stereo?
Ricky Bobby: "If you have the stereo on..." Why do you have the stereo on while you're watching TV?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: 'Cause I like to party.
Larry Dennit, Jr.: That little obscene gesture is going to cost us a bundle.
Ricky Bobby: With all due respect, I didn't realize you'd gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed.
Lucy Bobby: So how was your day driving with you father?
Ricky Bobby: Well let's see. I got mauled by a cougar, my Crystal Gayle shirt is ruined, and I didn't learn dick about driving. Other than that, it was great.
Lucy Bobby: Reese, you just passed the hospital!
Lucy Bobby: [they keep on driving] The baby's coming, he's coming now!
Reese Bobby: All right, all right, hold on.
Lucy Bobby: Okay, but i think he might be stuck.
Reese Bobby: Grab onto something! Ready? One, two, THREE!
[He slams the brakes and we hear Ricky pop out of Lucy]
Lucy Bobby: It's a baby boy!
Ricky Bobby: I'm just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?
Jean Girard: Aaaaah, Ricky Bobby! Now we shall dance. And yes, it will be a slow jam.
Ricky Bobby: [television commercial] Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner. And what better gift to give a loved one,
[pulls out a huge camping axe]
Ricky Bobby: than the Jackhawk 9000. Available at Wal-Mart.
Ricky Bobby: [after seeing the cougar in the car] Where did you get it?
Reese Bobby: I trapped it. I've been keeping it in the bathroom in my motel room.
Texas Ranger: You look old, Granny are you gonna die today?
Ricky Bobby: Yep, flying through the air. This is not good.
Jean Girard: My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula Un. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.
Ricky Bobby: I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Did you eat some peanut butter or something?
Ricky Bobby: Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth
Jean Girard: I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French.
Ricky Bobby: You say you're French?
Jean Girard: Oui.
[sounds like 'We']
Ricky Bobby: We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet
Jean Girard: Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?
Ricky Bobby: Chinese food?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chinese food.
Jean Girard: That's from China.
Ricky Bobby: Pizza.
Jean Girard: Italy.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chimichanga.
Jean Girard: Mexico.
Ricky Bobby: Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?
Jean Girard: We invented democracy, existentialism, and the ménage à trois.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Those are three pretty good things.
Ricky Bobby: Hey.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Well that last one's pretty cool.
Ricky Bobby: I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, "hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?" I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.
Jean Girard: Now it is time for the matador to dance with the blind shoe-maker!
Texas Ranger: Someone didn't love you enough when you were little, did they?
Reese Bobby: That's a good call.
Walker: [the boys are running around when they should be in Sunday school] ANARCHY! ANARCHY!
Texas Ranger: I don't know what that means, but I LOVE it!
Reese Bobby: Yep, I guess things are just about perfect... it's making me feel kind of itchy...
Ricky Bobby: How 'bout we go get kicked out of an Applebee's?
Ricky Bobby: Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my red-hot smokin' wife, Carley.
Carley Bobby: [raises hands] Woo!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Mhmm!
[on Ricky's new 'corporate sponsor']
Susan: "Me" is you. Because it's just you out there. We don't have any corporate sponsors, we don't have any fancy team owners. We have you. And this car, and this cougar, which symbolizes the fear that you have overcome. It's all there for you.
Glenn: Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword that Sir Lancelot used to bring together the Knights of the Round Table, until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen...
Glenn: ... in the biblical sense.
Ricky Bobby: Okay, Glenn. Everything cool that Susan said, you wrecked it.
Reese Bobby: There's nothing more frightening then driving with a live goddamn cougar next to you.
Ricky Bobby: Wait, Dad. Don't you remember the time you told me "If you ain't first, you're last"?
Reese Bobby: Huh? What are you talking about, Son?
Ricky Bobby: That day at school.
Reese Bobby: Oh hell, Son, I was high that day. That doesn't make any sense at all, you can be second, third, fourth... hell you can even be fifth.
Ricky Bobby: What? I've lived my whole life by that!
Ricky Bobby: Nobody plays jazz at the Pit Stop!
Jean Girard: Then why is the song on the jukebox?
Bartender: We use it for profiling purposes. We also have the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.
Ricky Bobby: I will not shake your hand, but I will give you this.
[kisses Jean Girard]
Jean Girard: You taste of America.
Ricky Bobby: Thank you.
Lucius Washington: [trying to remove a knife in Ricky's leg] Let's use this knife to pry it out!
Texas Ranger: Old man, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Lucius Washington: Okay, we have got to get that car back onto the race track or our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken. Now I'm gonna ask you: do any of you guys wanna go fast?
Ricky Bobby: I wanna go fast!
Lucius Washington: [to the crew as they are speed-changing a customer's tire] Guys! No tires! We're not a pit crew anymore, we're a car wash team.
Glenn: Sorry, Lucius. Hard habit to break. Like stalking an ex-girlfriend.
Jean Girard: By the way, I watched the Highlander movie, It was shit!
Ricky Bobby: I came here to tell you one thing: come race time tomorrow, I'm coming for you.
Jean Girard: Do you know why I came to America, Monsieur Bobby?
Ricky Bobby: Health care systems, giant water parks. The same reason anyone comes to America.
Jean Girard: I came here for you to beat me.
Ricky Bobby: What are you talking about?
Jean Girard: My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants: to tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet, but before I can do that...
Ricky Bobby: That's dumb.
Jean Girard: It's not dumb.
Ricky Bobby: It is dumb.
Jean Girard: Why is it dumb?
Ricky Bobby: I don't know.
Jean Girard: But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.
Ricky Bobby: You saying you're going to lose to me on purpose?
Jean Girard: No.
Ricky Bobby: No?
Jean Girard: NO! I will battle you with the entirety of my heart and you will probably lose. But maybe, just maybe. You might challenge me. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?
Ricky Bobby: Wow I feel like I'm in the Highlander.
Jean Girard: What's the Highlander?
Ricky Bobby: It's a movie.
Jean Girard: Oh any good?
Ricky Bobby: Very good. It won the Academy Award.
Jean Girard: Oh for what?
Ricky Bobby: Best movie ever made. Look I came here to tell you tomorrow I'm coming for you.
Jean Girard: May god be with you Monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war!
Ricky Bobby: Alright.
Walker: Granny? How much longer are we gonna have to do this?
[Both boys are wearing reflective vests and picking-up trash along the interstate with poles and bags]
Lucy Bobby: I don't know. How many more times are you gonna toss me the radio while I'm in the bathtub?
Chip: [to Ricky Bobby] Are you just going to let your sons talk to their grandfather like this?
Ricky Bobby: Hell yes I am! They are winners! That is how winners talk!
Carley Bobby: If we wanted two wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.
Waffle House Manager: [it's career day at Ricky's school and a girl is introducing her father] I'm happy that Waffle House was okay with me coming here to talk to y'all about my day-to-day. And, y'all, that's pretty much, in a shell what it's like to manage a Waffle House. Ma'am, I don't know what else you want me to say to them. And I'm also gonna need to know where your commode's at.
Schoolteacher: Okay, let's give him a round of applause. Thank you.
Ricky Bobby: I get emotional. You guys are workin' so hard, and I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me, precocious and full of wonderment.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it.
Carley Bobby: Thank you, Cal.
Walker: That's real sweet of you, Cal.
Ricky Bobby: Cal, that's a real nice sentiment. That's about one of the nicest things you ever said.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Well, I mean it.
Carley Bobby: Stop it, gonna make me cry.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Comes from the heart.
Ricky Bobby: [while signing autographs] I'd love to sign your baby!
Susan: Hi, I'm his lady. I'm Susan. I painted the car, I... we had sex.
Reese Bobby: Is that right?
Reese Bobby: Well, I wish I coulda been there for that.
Jean Girard: My husband Gregory and I want what any couple wants: to retire to Stockholm and develop a currency for dogs and cats to use.
Ricky Bobby: That's dumb.
Jean Girard: Why is it dumb?
Ricky Bobby: Nah, that's dumb.
Mike Joy: [after a dramatic crash] Car comes to rest; upside down in a big cloud of smoke. Ricky Bobby appears to be okay, but that Wonder Bread car is toast.
Larry Dennit, Jr.: [watching the crash] Wow. Fantasic!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Oh my God! Ricky!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Remember that time in tenth grade when we got kicked out of class for playing with Matchbox cars? Who's the retard now?
Ricky Bobby: [television commercial] Oh hey, I'm Ricky Bobby.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: And I'm Cal Naughton, Jr.
Ricky Bobby: Urging you never to go to Tijuana.
Texas Ranger: [after Reese getting in an argument with an Applebee's waitress] Please let us not resolve our problems with fighting.
Ricky Bobby: Holy moly, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!
Jean Girard: Ricky... I watched the Highlander movie. It was shit!
Susan: [Ricky inadvertently begins autographing Susan's forehead] "No, it's me, it's me, Susan. Your assistant."
Ricky Bobby: Susan you gotta watch it when I get into autograph mode!
Reese Bobby: Now, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity. So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue. Now, the way I figure it, you got about two minutes before they show up and you do 5 to 10. So, what's it going to be? Fear or prison?
Ricky Bobby: Man, what the hell are you talking about?
Reese Bobby: Real simple, son... cops are coming, there's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam under the car. Time to be a man. You got hair on your peaches or what?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I had a dream where Jesus was a dirty old bum, and I was about to sock him in the face because, well he's a dirty old bum, but then I thought, there's something special about him...
Ricky Bobby: Because it was Jesus, right...
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah...
Texas Ranger: Why, if it isn't our mangy, transient grandfather.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.
Jean Girard: Soon you will know what it is like to be defeated by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote, "The cut worm forgives the plow".
Ricky Bobby: Well, let me just quote the late great Colonel Sanders who said "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken".
Jean Girard: What's that got to do with this?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Oh and one last question.
Ricky Bobby: Yeah?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: When you have the stereo on, at the same time as the TV, how do you control the volume on the TV?
Ricky Bobby: Why would you want to watch TV with the stereo on?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Cause I like to party.
Reese Bobby: [Reese is speeding] Guess how fast we're going now!
Lucy Bobby: [screams] I don't care! I'm having a baby!
Reese Bobby: Hundred and five miles an hour! Can you believe that!
[after crashing Ricky Bobby, and starting to speed to the finish line]
Jamie McMurray: See you! Wouldn't wanna be you!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: [on the telephone] Ricky, I think your house is haunted.
Ricky Bobby: Cal, that is a new house! It just has a lot of creaks and moans and groans in it!
Ricky Bobby: Why the hell am I even talking to you anyway?
Herschell: Yeah? Well we invented the missionary position... You're welcome.
Bill Weber: We'd like to thank you for joining us for NBC's coverage of NASCAR. Coming up next, it's Ice Dancing to the hits of Motown.
Ricky Bobby: Holding hands with a man makes me terribly uncomfortable.
Jean Girard: It's a sign of friendship in many countries.
Ricky Bobby: Well, not here.
Jean Girard: There is nothing sexual about it. Please don't be worried about the fact that I have an erection. Its has nothing to do with you.
Ricky Bobby: [while people try to restrain him] Get back, I'll windmill ya.
Jean Girard: Like the frightened baby chipmunk, you are scared by anything that is different.
[flashback to when Ricky first met Carly - a highly inebriated, possibly underage girl]
Carley Bobby: Hey, driver! Drive *these*! Wahoo!
[she proceeds to lift up her shirt in view of Ricky but not the audience]
Ricky Bobby: Oh... please be 18.
Texas Ranger: Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!
Walker: My friends and I skipped school and we filled up a cup of pee and tried to get our neighbor's dog to drink it. But he wouldn't.
Ricky Bobby: I'm embarrassed. I really thought I could feel it.
Bill Weber: Ricky Bobby in the #62 car is on the move. He's sliding from 26th place to 18th place. Now let's go to John Hannafin, who's in the stands with a country music legend.
John Hannafin: Thank you, Sean. I'm here with one of the greatest country music stars of all-time, Kenny Rogers. Kenny, what do you think of the race so far?
Kenny Rogers: [obviously not Kenny Rogers] It's good, they're going real fast.
Bill Weber: John, that's *not* Kenny Rogers!
John Hannafin: In the song "The Gambler", you sang "You gotta know when to walk away and know when to run." Should Ricky Bobby have stayed away from racing?
Kenny Rogers: Mr. Bobby is very competitive. If he wants to race, he should race.
John Hannafin: Well this is John Hannafin with Kenny Rogers. And now back to you, Bill.
Bill Weber: Well that, of course, was not Kenny Rogers.
Benny Parsons: Not even close!
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Hey Ricky Bobby. Good to see you again.
Ricky Bobby: Thanks, man.
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: You still owe me, like, 30 bucks.
Ricky Bobby: Oh no, man. you said that was a gift.
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: You're a dirty liar!
Ricky Bobby: Hey Greg.
Greg Biffle: [shakes Ricky's hand] Hey. Good to see you back.
Ricky Bobby: Thanks, bud.
Greg Biffle: You're not gonna be runnin' up the road in your underwear again, are ya? Like in Charlotte?
Ricky Bobby: You know what? That hurts, man.
[Greg laughs, then suddenly stops]
Greg Biffle: Good to see you back.
Ricky Bobby: Thanks.
Ricky Bobby: Oh hey, Casey.
Casey Mears: [shakes Ricky's hand] Hey, Ricky.
Ricky Bobby: Good, man.
Casey Mears: I'm gonna wreck you today.
Casey Mears: I'm just kidding.
Ricky Bobby: Oh, haha. That' a good one.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: You just lost your wife, you just lost your job... don't throw out your best friend because of your anger.
Ricky Bobby: That's absolutely ridiculous, man!
Chip: Ricky? Remember: the field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night. Ha, ha, ha, ha...
Cal Naughton, Jr.: That's kinda' creepy, ain't it?
Ricky Bobby: [to Susan] You gotta' win... to get love. Everybody knows that. I mean, that's just life.