Desperate Housewives (TV Series 2004–2012) Poster


Marcia Cross: Bree Van De Kamp, Bree Hodge



  • [Rex has asked for a divorce in a family restaurant] 

    Rex : Are we gonna talk about what I said?

    Bree : If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled Chicks and Dudes, you are out of your mind.

  • Bree : How could we have all forgotten about this?

    Lynette : We didn't exactly forget. It's just usually when the hostess dies, the party is off.

  • Bree : I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself; two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan.

  • Gabrielle : The way I see it is that good friends support each other after something bad has happened, great friends act as if nothing has happened.

    Bree : Well, then, good luck on your remodel.

  • Rex : Look at you... going out?

    Bree : Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date.

    Rex : A date... what kind of date?

    Bree : Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack.


    Bree : It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to french the hell out of him.

  • Bree : Girls, you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind.

    Gabrielle : Oh, for God's sake, Bree. You're a woman. Manipulate him. That's what we do.

    Bree : But how?

    Gabrielle : I don't know. How did you usually manipulate Rex?

    [Bree thinks about it, and smiles] 

  • Bree : [Rex has just admitted that he is a masochist]  What the hell did your mother do to you?

  • Rex : So, these "tennis lessons" we're taking, how are we doing?

    Bree : My backhand is improving greatly, but you're still having problems with your serve.

  • Lynette : Hi. My baby-sitter cancelled.

    Bree : I've got millions of errands to run so...

    Lynette : Please hear me out, this is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours - there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress, I have make-up on.

    Bree : If it were any other day?

    Lynette : Oh, for God's sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.

  • Bree : Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it.

  • Bree : [sighting down the P-08 Luger she has been given]  George! This is so much better than an orchid!

  • Bree : [to Rex]  When is your midlife crisis going to end, because it's really starting to tick me off!

  • Bree : [final words to Rex]  You look magnificent.

  • Bree : Maybe they'll just be happy for you.

    Gabrielle : Bree, my friends are models, they're not happy for anyone.

  • Bree : The photographer's asking if he can get shots of the two of us.

    Katherine Mayfair : Wait. I need to talk to you first.

    Bree : [Chuckles]  I misunderstood the situation, that's all. Can we just leave it at that?

    Katherine Mayfair : No, we can't. And do you know why? Because I thought things were going well. I was having fun with you. Obviously... *I* misunderstood. So tell me, was there a straw that broke the camel's back? Or were you planning on killing me all along?

    Bree : Here's the thing you need to understand about me and my friends. We each have our niche. Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart, Edie's... Edie, and I am the domestic one, the organizer, the one that knows that there are three tines on a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who *I* am. And that's also who you are.

    Katherine Mayfair : So?

    Bree : So... I don't really know HOW to be friends with you.

    Katherine Mayfair : That's a shame, because I understand you better than all those other women do. I know how following the rules and all observing those little graces make you feel like you're in control. We've both had days where it was either set a beautiful table or curl up in a ball and die.

    [Tears welling in her eyes] 

    Katherine Mayfair : We're the SAME, Bree. And if you think that means we can't be friends, then I'm sorry. But it might also mean we could be BEST friends.

  • Bree : [to Rex]  Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection.

  • Danielle Van De Kamp : Why can't we ever have normal soups? Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?

    Bree Van De Kamp : Well, Danielle, your father is deathly allergic to onions, and I won't even dignify your *navy bean* suggestion with a response.

  • Bree : Gabby, this is the way I see it, good friends offer to help in a crisis, great friends don't take no for an answer.

  • George Williams : Where are you going Bree?

    Bree : I'm taking my champagne and ageing eggs and I'm going.

  • [Bree has told Dr. Goldfine that she's going to ignore all her problems with Rex and stay with him] 

    Dr. Goldfine : Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can't be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?

    Bree : We're, um, WASPs, Dr. Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best.

    Dr. Goldfine : You'd settle for that - a life filled with repression and denial?

    Bree : And dinner parties. Don't forget the dinner parties.

  • Zach Young : Thank you, Mrs. Van De Kamp.

    Bree : [turning]  For what?

    Zach Young : Remembering my mother.

  • Bree : Yes, well, I have some bad news. Rex died.

  • [Rex has just told Bree about his masochism] 

    Rex : For God's sake, you promised to be supportive.

    Bree : What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?

  • [repeated line] 

    Bree : Oh, my heavenly days!

  • Bree : You've obviously never had to remove a cheese stain!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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