A Scanner Darkly (2006)
Woody Harrelson: Ernie Luckman
Luckman : You're the only person in the known universe who's never heard of the Heimlich maneuver?
Barris : Alright, I'm gonna give you a little feedback since you seem to be proceeding through life like a cat without whiskers perpetually caught behind the refrigerator. Your life and watching you live it is like a gag-reel of ineffective bodily functions. I swear to god that a toddler has a better understanding of the intricacies of chew-swallow-digest-don't kill yourself on your TV dinner! And yet you've managed to turn this near death fuckup of yours into a moral referendum on me!
Luckman : You are a monster!
Barris : You are a billy goat!
Luckman : What if they come in through the back door or the bathroom window like that infamous Beatles song?
Freck : [twitching horribly] Okay, if you guys are gonna kill eac hother, I'm s-splitting! It's getting very fucked up over here!
Fred : Freck, the most dangerous kind of person is the one who's afraid of his own shadow.
Freck : What is that supposed to mean?
Barris : It means, Freckles, that if you take too much of that stuff, not only are you going to start seeing and feeling buggy bugs all over yourself but you're also gonna start talking like...
[makes quacking sounds]
Barris : And no one can understand you.
Fred : What did you say, Barris? I didn't understand you.
[Barris softly quacks to Fred and then louder at Freck]
Freck : You guys are fucked up!
Barris : [imitating Frecks in a raspy twitching voice] Oh no. It is you ga ga goo that are fuck upted up!
[Freck leaves and Luckman throws a rock to the ground]
Luckman : Go Freck yourself!
Barris : [in a high pitched voice] "Don't take the car, you'll kill yourselves! Ye gogh gogh gogh gogh!"
Luckman : This proves you got somebody out to get you real bad Bob. I just hope that the house is still there when you get back.
Fred : Yeah I didn't think of that.
Barris : I wouldn't worry about it too much.
Luckman : You wouldn't! Christ! They may have broken in and ripped off all we got. All Bob's got anyhow. What if they stomp the animals?
Barris : Don't worry about it. I left a little surprise for 'em.
Fred : What?
Barris : Yes. Anyone entering the house while we were gone today will receive a little surprise. A little something I perfected earlier this morning.
Fred : What kind of surprise? It's my house Jim, you should ask me before you start wiring up my house.
Barris : Why would you get so uptight about protecting your house from intruders? Why would you care?
Fred : I'm just saying it's my house, that's all. You can't start going around booby trapping my house.
Barris : Okay, okay! I mean jeez. Or as the Germans would say "leise" which translates to "be cool". Just be cool.
Barris : Gentlemen, you are about to witness for approximately 61 cents of ordinary household materials, the perfect home-made silencer.
Freck : Barris, the neighbors are gonna hear.
Luckman : Nah. They only call in murders in this neighborhood.
Barris : Plus, freckle-deck, it's a SILENCER. They're not gonna hear anything.
Freck : Well, I'm pretty fucking sure they're illegal.
Barris : In this day and age, the type of society we find ourselves living in, every person of worth needs to have a gun at all times to protect themselves. And we're off, un
[points gun at Freck]
Barris : , deux
[points gun at Luckman]
Barris : , trois?
[points gun to his own head]
Barris : .
[Then points gun in the air and shoots. It goes off loudly]
Freck : That sure is some silencer.
Barris : Yes, uh, what it did was augment the sound rather than dampen it. But I almost have it. I believe I have it in principle anyway.
Luckman : Oh well, the good news is that regardless of what you do next time, it'll be a silencer to us because we're now DEAF!
Luckman : Well! So much for our great trip to San Diego Bob, I told you we should have gone to San Francisco.
Barris : What like going to San Francisco would not have caused this problem with the engine?
Luckman : Yeah because when you're going north, it screws this way, and when you're going south it screws that way!
Barris : If we were in Australia!
Donna : Hey you guys.
Donna : [screams when Luckman and Barris pull out their weapons at her] Fuck! Jesus!
[they lower their weapons]
Donna : What the fuck is wrong with you? I came in like the note said. It doesn't say when you were gonna get back, so I just, just sat around for a while, and ended up crashing.
Luckman : Love your sweater.
Donna : Just don't touch me! Man you guys were making so much noise. Woke me up.
Barris : I think I know, they were probably working on it, these Gypsy grifters with improper tools, no technical knowledge, no understanding of reverse engineering, and when they attempted to reassemble it they panicked, they got scared, and they left nine orphan gears there just laying on the floor, theyre probably still there on the floor of the garage.
Luckman : Lets just go rescue the orphan gears dude!
Luckman : I'm going to knock your nads up into your nostrils.
[to Barris, as they circle each other, shaping up to fight]