Everything Is Illuminated (2005)
Alex: You make sex often with American girl?
Jonathan: Not really.
Alex: What is mean by "not really?"
Jonathan: I'm not a priest, but I'm not John Holmes either.
Alex: I have heard of this John Holmes. He has premium penis.
Jonathan: Yes, he did.
Alex: Everyne in Ukraine has penis like that.
Jonathan: Even the women?
Alex: You make joke, yes?
Jonathan: I'm a vegetarian.
Alex: You're a what?
Jonathan: I don't eat meat.
Alex: How can you not eat meat?
Jonathan: I just don't.
Alex: [to Grandfather, in Russian] He says he does not eat meat.
Grandfather: [to Alex, in Russian] What?
Alex: No meat?
Jonathan: No meat.
Alex: And what about the sausage?
Jonathan: No, no sausage, no meat!
Alex: [to Grandfather, in Russian] He says he does not eat any meat.
Grandfather: [to Alex, in Russian] Not even sausage?
Alex: [to Grandfather, in Russian] I know!
Grandfather: [to Alex, in Russian] What is wrong with him?
Alex: What is wrong with you?
Jonathan: Nothing, I just don't eat meat!
Alex: I was of the opinion that the past is past, and like all that is not now it should remain burried along the side of our memories.
Alex: I have reflected many times upon our rigid search. It has shown me that everything is illuminated in the light of the past. It is always along the side of us, on the inside, looking out. Like you say, inside out. Jonathan, in this way, I will always be along the side of your life. And you will always be along the side of mine.
Jonathan: I'm distressed by dogs.
Alex: [in Russian to Grandfather] He is afraid of dogs.
Grandfather: [in Russian to Alex] Bullshit. No one is afraid of dogs.
Alex: [voice over] Now I must tell you more of myself. I an unequivocally tall. I do not know any women who are taller than me. The women who *are* taller than me are lesbians, for whom 1969 was a very momentous year. For me, America is a first-rate place. Most of all, I am beloved of American movies, muscular cars, and hip-hop music. I also dig Negroes, most of all, Michael Jackson. He is a first-rate dancer, just like me. Many girls want to be carnal with me because I'm such a premium dancer.
Alex: How much currency would a first-rate accountant receive in America?
Jonathan: I don't know, a lot, probably, if he or she is good.
Jonathan: Or he.
Alex: Are there Negro accountants?
Jonathan: Yes, there are *African American* accountants, but you don't want to use that word.
Alex: And homosexual accountants?
Jonathan: There are homosexual *everythings*. There are homosexual garbage men.
Alex: [shocked] And how much currency would a Negro homosexual accountant receive?
Jonathan: You really shouldn't use that word.
Alex: Which word?
Jonathan: The N-word. It's not *the* N-word, but...
Jonathan: Yeah, that one.
Alex: But I dig them all the way. They are premium people.
Alex: [Refering to the dog] This is Sammy Davis Jr. Jr... She is Grandfather's Seeing Eye bitch. Father purchased her for him not because he believes Grandfather is blind, but because a Seeing Eye bitch is also a good thing for people who pine for the opposite of loneliness. In truth, Father did not purchase her at all, but merely retrieved her from the home for forgetful dogs. Because of this, she is not a real Seeing Eye bitch, and is also mentally deranged.
[in Russian, referring to why Augustine never buried her ring]
Lista: In case someone should come searching one day.
Alex: So they would have something to find.
Lista: No, it does not exist for you. You exist for it. You have come because it exists.
Alex: [voice over] My legal name is Alexander Perchov, but all of my friends dub me Alex, because this is much more flaccid to utter.
Alex: Many girls want to be carnal with me... because I'm such a premium dancer!
[after an old man gives them directions, Jonathan hands him a pack of cigarettes]
Alex: What are you doing?
Jonathan: For helping us.
Jonathan: Well, I read in my guidebook that you can't find Marlboro cigarettes here so you should take them everywhere as tips.
Grandfather: [In Ukrainian]
[to the man]
Grandfather: He doesn't eat meat.
Alex: Jonfen. What you said at the hotel about Ukrainians before the war.
Alex: Do you think it's possible that my grandfather, he...
[Very long silence]
Jonathan: Your shirt's inside out.
Jonathan: Your shirt's inside out.
Alex: What does it mean, inside out?
Jonathan: Nothing. It's just that the inside of your shirt is on the outside and the outside is on...
Alex: [stares at him, uncomprehendingly]
Jonathan: ...Forget it.
Alexander Perchov, Father: [in Russian] Papa, I already have one son walking around Odessa looking like a lunatic. I don't need another.
Grandfather: [in Ukrainian]
[to Alex and Jonathan]
Grandfather: Perhaps you would like me to stop the car and you two can fuck yourselves to Lutsk!
Alex: [to Jonathan] You were proximal with your grandfather, yes?
[as they drive by an abandoned, half-destroyed apartment building]
Jonathan: What is it?
Jonathan: What happened?
Alex: [pause] Independence.
Alex: [In Ukrainian]
Alex: Please, don't be scared. Cars are totally safe now. They even have airbags, crumple zones... Maybe not this one... but most!
Alex: [voice over] This is my miniature brother, Igor. I am tutoring him to be a man of this world. For an example, I exhibited him a smutty magazine three days yore.
Igor: [in Russian] Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?
Alex: [voice over] I explain it to him that this is because it was invented in the year 1969. I know this because my friend Grisha knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor.
Igor: [in Russian] What did people do before 1969?
Alex: [voice over] He is a genius, my miniature brother. He will be made a VIP if I have a thing to do with it.
Lista: [in Ukrainian]
[recounting the Nazis' torture of the Trachimbroders]
Lista: First there was Yosef. He was a shoemaker. They held a gun to his daughter's head and commanded him to spit. He spit. They all spit, and tore, and kicked, and whatever else they were told to do... except my father. And then my sister. She was pregnant. They put the gun to her pregnant belly. They said they would kill the baby inside her if my father did not spit. He could not... He did not spit.
Alex: Make sure to secure the door when I am gone. There are many dangerous people who wanna take things from Americans, and also kidnap them. Good night!
Alex: I do not know any women who are taller than me. The women who *are* taller than me are lesbians, for whom 1969 was a very momentous year.
[in Russian, referring to Jonathan's trip to Lutsk]
Alexander Perchov, Father: Papa, I need you to drive them.
Grandfather: Go to hell! I'm not driving anyone.
Alexander Perchov, Father: Papa, they are paying $1,200 American.
Grandfather: I don't care. I'm retired. No more dead Jews.
Grandfather: [in Ukrainian]
Grandfather: Get in the car. The bitch and the Jew will share the backseat.
Alex: Please tell me, is the Shaq also the Jew?
Alex: The Shaqweel O'Neal, the Los Angeles Laker.
Jonathan: Uh, no.
Alex: And Michael Jackson?
Jonathan: [Scoffs] *No*, definitely not a Jew.
Jonathan: [after Alex asks why he collects family artifacts] I don't know, why does anybody do anything? It's just... something to do.
Alex: [voice over] This is Grandfather. Like my father and myself, he too is dubbed Alex. My grandmother, Anna, died two years before of a cancer in her brain. Precluding this, Grandfather became very melancholy, and also, he says, blind. His most recent employment was Heritage Tours, a business he started in 1950s, mostly for aiding rich Jewish people to search for their dead families. It is a strange employment for Grandfather, as there is nothing he hates more than rich Jewish people *or* their dead families.