Boston Legal (2004–2008)
James Spader: Alan Shore
Alan Shore : Objection, your Honor. You can't preface your second point with "first of all."
Denny Crane : You're one of those environmental lawyers?
Peter Barrett : Is there something wrong with that?
Denny Crane : They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something, I came out here to enjoy nature, don't talk to me about the environment.
Alan Shore : All reality, none of it scripted.
Alan Shore : Ah, Denny, I've hardly seen you this episode.
Denny Crane : I don't know whether you know this but not many men take the time, every day, to have a cigar, glass of scotch, to talk to their best friend. That's not something most men have.
Alan Shore : No it isn't.
Denny Crane : What I give to you, what I share, I do with no one else. I like to think that what you give to me you do with nobody else. Now that may sound silly to you. But here's what I think is silly, the idea that jealousy or fidelity is reserved for romance. I always suspected that there was a connection between you and that man. That you got something you didn't get from me.
Alan Shore : I probably do. But gosh, what I get from you, Denny. People walk around today calling everyone their best friend. The term doesn't have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or at most third meeting, birthday cards get passed around offices so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague they barely met, and everyone just loves everyone. As a result, when you tell somebody you love them today, it isn't much heard. I love you, Denny; you are my best friend. I can't imagine going through life without you as my best friend. I'm not going to kiss you, however.
Alan Shore : You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.
Alan Shore : [overhearing two co-workers having an argument] You two have had sex!
Al Sharpton : [bursts into the courtroom] Sorry I'm late, Judge, I'll make this quick...
Alan Shore : [buts in] And subtle!
Judge Harry Hingham : [to Sharpton] Who the Hell are you?
Al Sharpton : [Continues without pause] ... The image of Santa Claus has been crafted for hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of years. We're supposed to be in a different day. Give the world a black Santa Claus, let the people have an African-American come down the chimney bearing joy and good will!
Alan Shore : [whispers to Sharpton] Gay, not black.
Al Sharpton : The prejudice against gay people must stop. We all say we're for gay rights. We all say we accept homosexuality. But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap?
Judge Harry Hingham : [Interrupts] Who is this man?
Al Sharpton : [Continues without stopping] Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas. Let people open their minds as they open their presents underneath the tree. We need your mind, judge, today. Let the gay man be my brother, be your brother, be the school teacher, be the construction worker. Give the world a gay Santa Claus, God Almighty, God Almighty, God Almighty! Leave out the cookies and milk this Christmas Eve for a holly, jolly homosexual, God Almighty!
Alan Shore : And cut!
Alan Shore : [to Tara] Hello, I'm a complete stranger and I'm here to pick you up.
Alan Shore : Oh, I see, there's two of us. I'll be evens, you be odds.
Joe : You got a problem?
Alan Shore : No, actually. I just saw this fair maiden here talking to a tree trunk, and since I'm an arborist I thought I could help translate.
Joe : Here's a health tip. Walk away.
Alan Shore : Why would I do that?
Tara Wilson : All right, guys.
Alan Shore : Don't be deceived by my cushy appearance.
Tara Wilson : Excuse me. I actually am with him.
Joe : I don't care. Walk away, or I lay you out.
Alan Shore : I don't mean to be a stickler, but isn't the object to lay her out?
[Joe punches Alan]
Tara Wilson : Hey!
Joe : Oh, gee, I'm sorry, I was reaching for my wallet...
Alan Shore : I see. Allow me to reach for mine.
[walks away to the other end of the bar]
Tara Wilson : Are you all right?
Alan Shore : Fine.
[to Mike and friends]
Alan Shore : Hello, big people. Sorry to intrude, but you seem rather strapping. Here's three hundred dollars. Would you be so kind as to go hit that man down there?
Mike : [laughs incredulously] Really?
Tara Wilson : Alan!
Alan Shore : There's an extra hundred if he goes down.
Mike : You're on.
Alan Shore : Make it a good one.
Tara Wilson : Oh, for God's sakes.
Alan Shore : [Mike hits Joe; fistfight ensues. Alan gives money to Mike's friend] Here's a hundred; go help your friend.
Alan Shore : [watches the fighting] Gee, seems Joe has buddies.
[passing out money to Mike's friends]
Alan Shore : One for you, one for you. I've got plenty of them. Hit him hard, now. For you, and for you...
Alan Shore : [listening to the news on TV at the office] That's Bernie!
Tara Wilson : Who?
Alan Shore : The little skillet-welding client from last week, he's whacked another one. He promised me he wouldn't.
[knocks on Bernard Ferrion's front door repeatedly]
Bernard Ferrion : [open's door] Alan.
Alan Shore : [walks inside] What have you done now?
Bernard Ferrion : There's a awful lot of excitement.
Alan Shore : I saw, both live and on the news. You've been flaying again with your frying pan, haven't you, Bernard?
Bernard Ferrion : I never meant for it to happen.
Alan Shore : I am very disappointed. I gave you a terrific speech last week, Bernie, appealing to the kind inner you. It was wonderful - poignant, even, and how you have completely mooted it by committing murder again.
Bernard Ferrion : I never meant to kill her!
Alan Shore : Well, what? You just went over there to make an omelet and things got out of hand?
Alan Shore : You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity.
Denny Crane : Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.
Alan Shore : Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."
Denny Crane : Just once I wish you'd quote a Republican.
Alan Shore : I want a kindler and gentler nation.
Alan Shore : Hate to extort and run.
Denny Crane : [Denny is guarding Alan from his night terrors so he is sleeping in the bed with him]
[in his sleep]
Denny Crane : Denny Crane. Denny Crane. Denny Crane.
Alan Shore : [Alan gets out of bed and stumbles. He has a rope tied around his leg; the other end is tied to Denny. Alan tries to get up and stumbles again. He tugs on the rope] Hey! Hey!
Denny Crane : What the hell do you...
Alan Shore : Get up, Denny. We're going to the bathroom.
Denny Crane : Untie the knot.
Alan Shore : It takes too long. Let's just... get up!
Denny Crane : I'm not getting up!
Alan Shore : It'll take two seconds.
[he tugs the rope]
Denny Crane : It's the middle of the night!
Alan Shore : Just get up!
Denny Crane : I'm not gonna get up.
Alan Shore : Dammit! Get up!
[he tugs violently at the rope. Denny is pulled from the bed to the floor]
Alan Shore : Happy?
Denny Crane : [Denny pulls the rope and Alan falls on top of him. They lie there, face to face] This isn't working for me.
Alan Shore : What's your specialty?
Dr. Allen Konigsberg : Couples' counseling. I first saw the client and his wife together. Since the divorce I've been working with him alone.
Alan Shore : So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?
Guantanamo Marine General : [is being questioned at trial, mutters under breath about Alan] Snide-ass.
Alan Shore : Your Honor, I move to strike. He's never seen my ass.