Stella Shorts 1998-2002 (2002 Video)
John: [the guys are getting ready to burn a baby. John runs in from nowhere] No! No!
[grabs baby and throws it]
Michael Ian Black: You asshole! That was our kindling!
Michael Showalter: Hey, nifty spiral dude. Did you play college ball?
David Wain: What's your name?
David Wain: Oh, that's, that's a beautiful name.
Michael Ian Black: Is that Navajo?
Michael Showalter: Hey, hey, John, John. D-D-Did you ever suck a dog's dick?
Pizza Guy: You think I'm some sloppy wet pussy for you to fuck? Is that what you think? You think I'm some sloppy wet pussy for you to fuck?
Michael Ian Black: I don't think that.
Michael Showalter: I don't think that.
David Wain: I kind of think that.
David Wain: I'm bored.
[grabs knife and holds it to throat]
Michael Showalter: David, wait!
David Wain: But I'm bored.
Michael: I'm bored too.
[holds knife to David's throat]
Pizza Guy: I got your pizza pie right here. Twenty bucks.
Michael Showalter: We don't have this money.
Pizza Guy: [drops pizza box and puts cigarette out on hand] We got a real problem here, don't we boys?
Michael Showalter: I'm starving. What's for lunch?
David Wain: Michael, there's all sorts of delicious foods to be found in the woods if you just know where to look for them. Like, take a look at this.
[gestures to frankfurters lying on the ground]
Michael Showalter: Great, frankfurters! Let's make a fire and cook 'em.
David Wain: Okay, you two go look for wood and meet back here in five minutes.
Michael Ian Black: Okay, what are you gonna do?
David Wain: I'm gonna stay here and rub one out.
Michael Ian Black: Great.
Michael Ian Black: Hey, look what I found on the street, a kitty cat.
[holds up cat]
David Wain: Look at him! He's so cute!
Michael Showalter: What's his name?
Michael Ian Black: I thought we could call him Flava Flav.
Michael Showalter: Oh, like the rapper?
Michael Ian Black: No, my grandfather's name was Flava Flav.
Michael Ian Black: [trying to rake leaves, but holding rake upside down] It's not working!
Michael Showalter: [putting leaves in a manila envelope] This will take me forever. The bag is too small.
David Wain: [raking a tree trunk] Where are the leaves anyway? I feel like I'm in hell.
Michael Ian Black: [Mother Nature appears] Mother Nature!
Michael Showalter: [whispers] Mother of God!
David Wain: Mother I'd like to fuck!
Michael Ian Black: I like your jeans, Mother Nature.
Mother Nature: How's the yard work going boys?
Michael Showalter: Raking leaves is a lot harder than we thought it would be.
David Wain: [holding up two wine glasses and a bottle of wine] Would you like to have a drink with me?
Mother Nature: [holding wine glass] You need to be at one with nature. Maybe this will help.
Mother Nature: ["Don't Tell Me" by Madonna starts playing]
Michael Ian Black: Madonna!
Michael Showalter: I love this song.
[the guys are writing a letter to Santa]
Michael Showalter: Okay, here it is. Tell me what you think, you guys. Dear Santa...
Michael Ian Black: [interrupting] No, no, no. I mean, you're not on a first name basis with the guy.
Michael Showalter: [crumpling letter] Oh, God! You know what, Mike? I have just about really had it up to here with your condescension. You write it!
Michael Ian Black: [writing letter] Dear Kris Kringle...
David Wain: [interrupting] No, no, no. That's way too formal. We want him to think we're cool.
Michael Ian Black: [crumpling letter] Oh, just screw it, okay? I am sick to death of trying to please you, you fucking kike! You write it!
David Wain: [writing letter] What's up, dude?
Michael Ian Black: Perfect.
Santa: [cut to Santa reading the letter] What's up, dude? These guys are pretty cool.
Michael Showalter: Hey Mike... is that your final answer?
David Wain: Suddenly I'm here with Regis! Right there!
Michael Ian Black: Hey hey hey... I'd like to use a lifeline.
Michael Showalter: Hey hey hey... don't do that. Wouldn't be prudent.
Michael Ian Black: That was great, we should use that for STELLA.
Michael Showalter: (turns to camera)We Just did.
Michael Ian Black: Whoa whoa whoa hold on guys hold on. We don't want a problem here, nobody wants a problem. Now I think the way to resolve this is maybe for you and your friends to go home and suck on your momma's flabby tit. How 'bout that?
Baseball Player #3: Oh, you're dead... you're all dead.
David Wain: [shouts] You're the one who's gonna be dead, motherfucker! You're the ones, motherfucker!
Angel: I come to spread peace.
Michael Showalter: Yeah, well how bout you spread that angel ass and let me get up on there.
Angel: (Jumps in David's back)Come on I'm gonna fill you up! Turn over baby, I'm gonna cum all over your tits. Have you heard of Touched by an Angel? This is Fucked by an Angel.
Michael Showalter: So, how was the assfucking?
Michael Ian Black: I thought it really hurt. She cut me right in half.
David Wain: Hey, Mike! If you need us, we're gonna be in the bedroom makin' stains.
Girl #2: Oh my God! He's gonna off himself!
Michael Ian Black: Michael, this is a really bad time for this!
Michael Showalter: Well I'm sorry.
David Wain: Sorry's not good enough dickweed! These girls, they want us to put it in their butt.
Michael Showalter: Fine, I'll make the coffee.
Michael Showalter: I'm really happy for you all. I just wish my day was as good as yours.
Michael Ian Black: Well that's your problem. Fuck you!
David Wain: Sorry, Mike. I didn't mean to hit you.
Michael Showalter: I don't even wanna hear it, David. (Michael proceeds to savagely beat David with everyone else joining in)
Michael Showalter: Wait! You can't burn a baby!
David Wain: Haven't you heard of Vietnam? All we did over there was burn babies. Now come on, give me a hand.
Michael Showalter: I guess you're right.
Michael Showalter: I just threw your dog out the window... again.
Michael Showalter: [flinging himself across the couch] This seat is taken.