Wedding Crashers (2005)
Vince Vaughn: Jeremy Grey
John Beckwith : Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy Grey : Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
[people in the next row turn round and stare at Jeremy]
John Beckwith : Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
Jeremy Grey : Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge : I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey : Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
John Beckwith : Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.
Jeremy Grey : Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.
John Beckwith : I wasn't crying like a little girl.
Jeremy Grey : Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
[makes sputtering motorboat noise]
Jeremy Grey : You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?
John Beckwith : What's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey : What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?
John Beckwith : No, what's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey : No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!
John Beckwith : Drop it.
Jeremy Grey : You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
John Beckwith : Drop it!
[starts walking away]
Jeremy Grey : Team player!
John Beckwith : Claire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was good. I met a *lot* of girls. It was childish and it was juvenile.
Claire Cleary : And pathetic.
John Beckwith : Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today.
Jeremy Grey : [mutters] Oh Jesus.
John Beckwith : It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it.
John Beckwith : I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up.
Claire Cleary : John!
John Beckwith : I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.
Jeremy Grey : I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
[John has just referred to an aunt, only to be told by a guest that she is dead]
Jeremy Grey : How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
John Beckwith : Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy Grey : Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
Randolph : [In unrated version] You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?
Jeremy Grey : Jam, I...
Randolph : Listen man, the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky.
Jeremy Grey : You could not be more wrong about what's happening here...
Randolph : Just be gentle with her, OK? She be pushing 90.
Jeremy Grey : Jesus Christ!
Janice : I've got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey : [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.
Janice : Okay...
Jeremy Grey : OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.
Bratty Kid : I want a bicycle.
Jeremy Grey : Listen, a bicycle is going to take a lot of balloons and frankly, uncle Jeremy is a bit tired. How about I make you something else?
Bratty Kid : I just want a bicycle!
Jeremy Grey : Why... why are you yelling at me?
Bratty Kid : Make me a bicycle, clown!
Jeremy Grey : All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
Bratty Kid : Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.
Jeremy Grey : [later] Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you.
Jeremy Grey : Just a couple of kids who like to fuck, tryin' to make it honest, I get it...
Jeremy Grey : [about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.
Jeremy Grey : [confessing to Father O'Neil] You wanna know what the kicker is, father? Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy. That's right, maybe Jeremy's a little nuts. Maybe there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise, I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was kid, and his name was Shiloh! We used to play checkers with each other every day, and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win!
Jeremy Grey : Have you even shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith : The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey : I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
John Beckwith : I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey : That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.
John Beckwith : That's a little heavy.
Jeremy Grey : I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
Jeremy Grey : I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while.
Jeremy Grey : Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.
Jeremy Grey : Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?
Gloria Cleary : What?
Jeremy Grey : That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone - with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from 'What's Happening,' the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote 'Catcher in the Rye,' Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We're all one.
Hindu Woman : [while dancing at a wedding reception] French Foreign Legion?
John Beckwith : Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
Bridesmaid : Mount Everest?
Jeremy Grey : I don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith : We lost so many good men out there.
Bridesmaid : Playing with the Yankees?
John Beckwith : Yes, with the Yankees you loose good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.
Sack Lodge : What's this, uh, company called?
Jeremy Grey : [Screaming because Gloria is secretly masturbating him to the end; climaxing] HOLY SHI...
John Beckwith : [Thinking fast] Shirts and Pants! Holy Shirts and Pants. It's a little corny and obvious, but what do you get out of being subtle, right?
Jeremy Grey : A friend in need is a pest.
Jeremy Grey : I'm getting married.
John Beckwith : Get out.
[Points at the door]
Jeremy Grey : But you just said you were happy...
John Beckwith : I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
Jeremy Grey : You said the book wasn't yours.
John Beckwith : Don't worry about the book. It's not mine. But I glanced at it.
Jeremy Grey : [Trying to have sex on the bathroom toilet] Gloria please I'm exhausted, I've had a very long day I had your sister's boyfriend dry hump me up and down the field all afternoon my leg's cut and bleeding I'm really not in the mood for this
Gloria Cleary : [Slaps his open wound] JESUS CHRIST
Gloria Cleary : My father warned me about people like you Jeremy, I'm just another notch on your belt
Jeremy Grey : What are you talking about? It's not like that
Gloria Cleary : [about to spray rubbing alcohol on his wound] Then what's it like Jeremy?
Jeremy Grey : [Panicking] NO WAIT I just feel very strongly that we're starting only to expressing ourselves in a physically sexual specifically way and I just want to play some "catch-up" on finding who's inside here
[pointing to his heart]
Gloria Cleary : Jeremy, you're amazing
Jeremy Grey : I think you're amazing
Gloria Cleary : Don't "ever" leave me
Jeremy Grey : Ever
Gloria Cleary : Good. Because I'd find you
Claire Cleary : So is it just about the money?
John Beckwith : No no, it's about, uh, investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.
Sack Lodge : Well, like what? Give me an example.
John Beckwith : Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the, the fur or the wool from sheep and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew, then um... make little shirts and pants for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.
Jeremy Grey : [fumbling his words because Gloria is giving him a hand job under the dinner table] People - People helping people.
Claire Cleary : That's - that's very admirable.
John Beckwith : Thank you. Although, don't make me out to be a saint just yet. We do turn a small profit. After all, someone has to pay for the, uh,
[motions to Jeremy]
John Beckwith : Lap dancers for the big guy here.
Jeremy Grey : [laughing pleasurably] Oh, ha ha ha, he's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.
Jeremy Grey : I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.
[to impress Gloria, Jeremy has been making balloon models for the children]
Gloria Cleary : You're good.
Jeremy Grey : I'm just warming up. Last week I did an exact replica, to scale, of Wrigley Field. Honest to God. I don't have anywhere to put it.
Gloria Cleary : OK then, I'll take a sports car.
Jeremy Grey : How about a dance?
Gloria Cleary : That's what I really wanted.
Jeremy Grey : I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance, grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe. And how about you? Don't you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?
John Beckwith : God, wouldn't that be sweet?
Jeremy Grey : Wouldn't that be nice? And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don't understand, needing you, wanting you, taking you?
John Beckwith : All we're trying to say is, put your swords away for a second. Let's finish this and let's move on.
Jeremy Grey : Get out there and get some strange ass.
Jeremy Grey : Are you kidding me? I love crab cakes! They're phenomenal!
Jeremy Grey : Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket! Rule #115!
Jeremy Grey : Okay, what's our back story?
John Beckwith : We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey : I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith : Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey : I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
Jeremy Grey : Gloria, I apologize to you as I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering, 'Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really... And when am i supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door? 'Cause then it's awkward, it's like "Well, good night." Do you do like to ass-out hug? Where you like... you hug each other like this, and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close. Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the lips?
Jeremy Grey : I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.
[Gloria is treating Jeremy's badly cut leg]
Jeremy Grey : Oh Jesus Christ, it burns.
Gloria Cleary : Poor baby.
Jeremy Grey : It stings.
Gloria Cleary : You want me to blow on it?
Jeremy Grey : [thinking it's a blow job] No! No! I don't need any blowing.
Gloria Cleary : Jeremy... I'm not wearin' any panties. Let's rock!
[Gloria spins her hair around]
Jeremy Grey : Ok. Ok. That was nice. I don't understand what's going on. It's like, eight hours ago you were a shy little virgin, and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm just trying to catch up with you here.
Gloria Cleary : You do that to me? Ooh...
[she grabs Jeremy's crotch]
Gloria Cleary : Where's my little friend? Where's my little friend?
Jeremy Grey : [panicking] He's tired! He's tired! He's in time-out! He's in time-out!
Jeremy Grey : Listen, I'm getting married.
John Beckwith : Get out.
[points at the door]
Jeremy Grey : What? You just sat there and said you were happy for me, that I...
John Beckwith : I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
Jeremy Grey : You said that the book wasn't yours.
John Beckwith : Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine. But I glanced at it.
Jeremy Grey : John, you've been my friend for 16 years. I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.
John Beckwith : Kindly leave!
Jeremy Grey : I'm try...
John Beckwith : [cuts him off; whispers] Kindly leave.
Jeremy Grey : Buddy, for your own good you gotta let this go.
Jeremy Grey : Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I think I'm ready to take this relationship, our relationship to the next level.
Gloria Cleary : Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level.
Jeremy Grey : Really?
Gloria Cleary : Yeah. Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?
Jeremy Grey : I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement.
Gloria Cleary : [Overwhelmed with emotion and happiness. Ecstatic] Oh Jeremy, I do!
Jeremy Grey : I love you.
Gloria Cleary : I love you.
John Beckwith : Hey, listen. What angle are you going to play here?
Jeremy Grey : I am going to go with the balloon animal display. For the kids. And then when she comes close to check it out, guess who is the broken man, haunted past? How about you?
John Beckwith : I am going to go dance with the little flower girl. Oh, and I might be a charter member of Oprah's book club.
Jeremy Grey : It's all deadly.
Jeremy Grey : She hasn't returned your phone calls, she hasn't responded to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. 'Cause she didn't keep it, and I know you're not raising the goddamn thing. I think it's very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you.
[Claire demands the truth]
Claire Cleary : Is that true?
John Beckwith : [hesitates] No - Well, no, it's... not entirely.
Claire Cleary : No. It's a "Yes" or "No" question.
John Beckwith : I know, but it's complicated.
Claire Cleary : [turns angry] Yes or No?
[the family looks on John and Jeremy in disbelief]
Claire Cleary : Yes or No?
John Beckwith : Yes...
[the family is shocked and upset; Claire is at a loss for words]
John Beckwith : with shades of grey.
Jeremy Grey : [to Gloria] I'm not perfect. But who are we kidding? Neither are you. And you wanna know what? I dig it!
Jeremy Grey : [Feeling relieved after having been masturbated by Gloria and ejaculated under the dinner table] Terrific, it was terrific
Jeremy Grey : He's the best man.
Jeremy Grey : John? I need to see you right away. It's important.
John Beckwith : [Walking into Jeremy's office] What's going on?
Jeremy Grey : [sighs] We got three big weeks ahead of us. It's wedding season, kid!
John Beckwith : You sandbaggin' son of a bitch!
Jeremy Grey : I've got us down for 17 of them already.
John Beckwith : Okay, now how many of them have cash bars?
Jeremy Grey : Great question. I like where your head's at and two of them actually are, but I got us covered: Purple hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink all night.
John Beckwith : Oh, yeah. Perfect.
Jeremy Grey : We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that get so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.
John Beckwith : And who's gonna be there to catch them?
Jeremy Grey : Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season?
[Jeremy raises his hand]
John Beckwith : Mr. Grey?
Jeremy Grey : Yes. The answer would be, um, Wedding Season?
John Beckwith : Bingo! I'm gonna get my suit. Now who are we this time?
Father O'Neil : As you know, Craig and Christina are quite the sailing enthusiasts. In that light, they have elected to exchange vows which they themselves have written.
Craig : I, Craig, take you, Christina, to be my wife, my best friend and my first mate. Through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls.
Christina Cleary : I, Christina, take you, Craig, to be my best friend and my captain... to be your anchor and your sail... your starboard and your port.
[Claire giggles silently, hiding behind the bouquet that she is holding]
Jeremy Grey : [mutters] Well this is a first!
Father O'Neil : And now I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the first mate.
[Claire giggles again]
[the men are hunting quails in the forest; Secretary Cleary blows his quail whistle]
Sack Lodge : There's something not right about these guys.
Flip : What do you mean?
Sack Lodge : I mean, it's time to send them home.
Flip : Sack, don't do anything crazy.
Sack Lodge : Just relax. I'm just gonna scare them a little bit.
Flip : All right.
[Sack cocks his rifle and aims it at Jeremy]
Sack Lodge : [Yells] TO THE RIGHT!
[Everyone aims and shoots; John and Jeremy screams; John falls to the ground, pulls the trigger, and then shoots Jeremy]
Jeremy Grey : [Screaming] Aaaahhh! They got me!
Sack Lodge : [laughs] Oh, shit!
Jeremy Grey : THEY GOT ME!
John Beckwith : Oh, shit.
Jeremy Grey : Oh, that's terrific! Why don't you just feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I am drowning.
John Beckwith : What?
Jeremy Grey : What do you mean "what"? What a great friend, John. This is completely against the rules. You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. There's no overtime.
John Beckwith : No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, you drag me fifty miles to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.
Jeremy Grey : Completely different situation. She was a very, very family-oriented girl. And very into her grandmother.
John Beckwith : Yeah.
Jeremy Grey : [Yells aloud] *That was my first Asian!*
[the entire room goes silent]
[Jeremy wakes up in the middle of the night to find Gloria on top of him rubbing her nipples on his face and tying his hands and feet to the bed with rope]
Gloria Cleary : I've been thinking about what you said and I think the problem is that I'm not being adventurous enough for you.
Jeremy Grey : Gloria, I'm pretty sure that is *not* what I've been saying to you.
Gloria Cleary : [seductively] Baby, I'm going to make all your fantasies come true.
Jeremy Grey : But this is not fantasy...
[He mumbles and moans as she gags him with his sock, then starts squirming]
Gloria Cleary : [softly crying] I love you.
[Jeremy punches Sack, sending him sprawling to the ground]
Jeremy Grey : Share that with the Dalai Lama, jack ass!
Gloria Cleary : Ah! That was amazing.
Jeremy Grey : Yeah, it was really great. We should probably head back so they're not looking for us.
Gloria Cleary : I always knew my first time would be on a beach.
Jeremy Grey : [stunned] First time? You're a virgin?
Gloria Cleary : Mm-hmm.
Jeremy Grey : Wow.
Gloria Cleary : Jeremy, we are going to be so happy together. I love you.
Jeremy Grey : [bewildered] I'm sorry?
Gloria Cleary : I love you.
John Beckwith : [after Jeremy gets violently tackled to the ground] You were awesome... she's buying it, now quit messing around and get up.
Jeremy Grey : [after getting the wind knocked out of him, whispering] I'm not messing around, I can't breathe.
John Beckwith : Oh, come on, now you're just milking it.
Jeremy Grey : [looks up in disgust, still whispering] I hate you.
[a gunshot is heard from inside the Cleary mansion; Grandma Cleary is chasing Jeremy outside]
Jeremy Grey : RUN! JOHNNY! She's tryin' to kill me!
Claire Cleary : Grandma!
John Beckwith : Whoa! Whoa!
Jeremy Grey : Get the gun from her!
Secretary Cleary : Put the gun down! Mother, stop!
Jeremy Grey : This is the real world, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!
John Beckwith : [shocked] What did you do?
Jeremy Grey : [to Father O'Neil] I told you that in confidence. That was a confession!
Claire Cleary : What are you talking about?
Jeremy Grey : I always knew I was never going to be a professional bull fighter, but that's not why I did it.
Jeremy Grey : [speaking to Father O'Neil about Gloria] She's fit for a strait-jacket. This broad's fucked three ways towards the weekend. But you know what, Father? I dig it! It turns me on.
Jeremy Grey : [smacks his butt] Watch me take this on down the road.
Jeremy Grey : I can't take any more of this fucking shit!
Jeremy Grey : I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you.
Jeremy Grey : Please don't take a turn to negative town.
Jeremy Grey : Phenomenal finger food!
Jeremy Grey : These bacon-wrapped scallops - phenomenal!
Jeremy Grey : You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!
Jeremy Grey : Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal!
Jeremy Grey : I don't give a baker's fuck!
Jeremy Grey : That's not how you cut cake, you gotta treat cake like a lady!
Jeremy Grey : Guys, the real enemy here, is the institution of marriage, it unrealistic, it's crazy!