- Ulla: My name is Ulla Inka Hanson Benson Yanson Tallen Hallen Swadon Swanson.
- Max Bialystock: What is your first name?
- Ulla: Oh that was my first name. Would you like to hear my last name?
- Max Bialystock: We don't have the time.
- Leo Bloom: Elizabeth?
- Franz Liebkind: Ja. Not many people know this, but the fuhrer was descended from a long line of English queens.
- Max Bialystock: [after a long pause] Is that right?
- Leo Bloom: So what time can you get here?
- Ulla: Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla excercise. From seven to eight Ulla take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
- Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: ...Eleven.
- Ulla: Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
- Max Bialystock: [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...
- Ulla: God dag min vannina!
- Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: God dag min vannina... ninna...
- Ulla: God bless America!
- [Ulla leaves]
- Max Bialystock: God bless Sweden!
- [Carmen answers the phone, a piano underscore playing]
- Carmen Ghia: Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling?
- [Carmen frowns and the piano abruptly stops]
- Carmen Ghia: Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again!
- [he slams the phone down]
- Roger De Bris: Who was that?
- Carmen Ghia: Wrong number!
- Max Bialystock: How did it begin? He walked into my office with his cockamamy scheme! You can make more money with a flop than with a hit! We can do it. We can do it. I can't do it. We can do it. I can't do it. Good-bye Max! Oh Lord I want that money! I'm back Max! Come on Leo we can do it! Step 1: Find the Play! See it, Smell it, Touch it, Kiss it! Hello Mr. Liebkind! Guten Tag, hop hop Guten Tag, clop clop! Adolf Elizabeth Hitler? Guten Tag, hop hop Guten Tag, clop clop! Step 2: Hire the Director Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it Two-three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn! Ulla! Oooh wah weee wah wah wow wowie! Step 3: Raise the Money! Along Came Bialy! Step 4: Hire all the actors! A wandering minstrel I, A thing of shreds and... Next! The little wooden boy. Next! That's our Hitler! Break a leg! I broke my leg! Springtime for Hitler and Germany- A surprise smash! Springtime for Hitler and Germany- It'll run for years! Where did we go right? Where did we go right? Gimme those books Fat, fat, fatty! Gimme those books! Fat, fat, fatty! Books, fat! Books, fat! Books, fat! Books, fat! Lousy fruit- Kill the actors You ever eat with one? Then you ran to Rio And you're safely out of reach, I'm behind these bars you're banging Ulla on the beach! Just like Julius Caesar was betrayed by Brutus, Who'd think an accountant would turn out to be my Judas! I'm so dismayed, is this how I'm repaid? To be... Betrayed! BETRAYED!
- Max Bialystock: Hey... kid! Hey! Yoo-hoo? Look at this...
- [steps over Leo]
- Max Bialystock: How can I help you?
- Leo Bloom: [Screams] AAAHH!
- Max Bialystock: What's wrong?
- Leo Bloom: You're gonna jump on me!
- Max Bialystock: What?
- Leo Bloom: You're gonne jump on me!
- Max Bialystock: No!
- Leo Bloom: I know you're gonna jump on me...
- Max Bialystock: No! Calm down...
- Leo Bloom: ...And squash me like a bug!
- Max Bialystock: Oh God.
- Leo Bloom: Please don't jump on me!
- Max Bialystock: I'm not gonna jump on you! I'm not gonna jump on you!
- Leo Bloom: [Screams again] AAAAAHHH!
- Max Bialystock: I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa. And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch... And I hear her calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alviiiiin! Aaaaalviiiiiiiiiiiin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything from me... Even my past!
- Franz Liebkind: Ze penalty for braking ze Siegfried Oath is DESS!
- Max Bialystock: Dess? Is that anything like death?
- Franz Liebkind: YETH!
- Franz Liebkind: You know, not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer was a terrific dancer.
- Max Bialystock: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
- Leo Bloom: No, we sure didn't.
- Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL!
- [gags]
- Franz Liebkind: With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
- Leo Bloom: FAT! FAT!
- Max Bialystock: I'm not that fat!
- Leo Bloom: FAT! Fat! Fatty! Fatso! You fat fat fatty fat walrus! Gimme the FAT BOOKS!
- Franz Liebkind: I was never a member of the Nazi Party! I only followed orders. I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war on. We lived in the back, right across from Switzerland. All we heard was yodelling... yoodle le he hoo
- Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
- Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
- Leo Bloom: I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet!
- Max Bialystock: [slaps him]
- Leo Bloom: I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet, and I'm still hysterical!
- Max Bialystock: [reading through scripts] Wait, here's one: "One morning Gregor Samsa awoke to discover he had been transformed into a giant cockroach!"...
- [pause]
- Max Bialystock: Nah, too good.
- Roger De Bris: Oh dear, your Mr. Bloom is staring at my gown. I should explain. I'm going to the choreographer's ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.
- Carmen Ghia: We always win.
- Roger De Bris: I'm not so sure about this year. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building!
- Carmen Ghia: Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half-dressed.
- Roger De Bris: Well then, why don't you go and get it, o Wicked Witch of the West?
- [pause]
- Carmen Ghia: If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... bulls-eye!
- Leo Bloom: We might have a position for you.
- Max Bialystock: As a matter of fact, we might have several positions for you.
- Brazilian Samba Performer: [Sung] You'll find your happiness in Rio! The beaches there are strewn with pearls! The latin breezes always blow there! And so, we hear, do the girls!
- Roger De Bris: [sung as Hitler] I was just a paper hanger / no one more obscurer. / Got a phone call from the Reichstag / told me I was F¸hrer. / Germany was blue / What, oh, what to do? / Hitched up my pants / and conquered France. / Now Deutschland's smiling through!
- Roger De Bris: [spoken] But it wasn't always so easy... It was 1932. Hindenburg was working the Big Room and I... I was playing the lounge. And then I got my big break. Somebody burned down the Reichstag. And would you believe it? They made me Chancellor. Chancellor!
- Roger De Bris: [sung] It ain't no mystery / if it's politics or history. / The thing you've got to know is / everything is showbiz!
- [repeated line]
- Leo Bloom: Max... we never should've started this! I think we're getting in too deep!
- Max Bialystock: Too deep? This is nothing! I'll tell ya when we're getting in too deep!
- Roger De Bris: [Leo is on top of Max on the floor fighting over the account book. Roger and Carmen arrive in the room and they have the impression that Leo and Max are having sex] Now that's what I call celebrating!
- Carmen Ghia: [Leo and Max have just left Franz, wearing swastika armbands and arrive at Roger's penthouse, forgetting they're wearing them. Carmen greets them at the door] May I take your hat, your coat, and your swastikas?
- [an outtake]
- Max Bialystock: You okay?
- Leo Bloom: Oh, yes. Thank you for smiling, it really helped.
- Max Bialystock: [walking over to a bust of Shakespeare] Well, you know what they say: "Smile and the world smiles with you!" Hahahaha-
- [undertones to the bust]
- Max Bialystock: This man should be in a straitjacket.
- [pause]
- Max Bialystock: What?
- [pause]
- Max Bialystock: Don't argue with me, you piece of-!
- [he slaps the bust angrily, and turns to Leo again, speaking calmly]
- Max Bialystock: Feeling better?
- Leo Bloom: [suppressing laughter] Yes.
- Max Bialystock: Good. That makes three of us.
- Roger De Bris: This crazy Kraut is crackers! He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us!
- Carmen Ghia: Oh, Roger, what alliteration!
- Roger De Bris: Thank you, darling.
- Max Bialystock: Hold me touch me, where is hold me touch me...
- [searches for picture]
- Max Bialystock: Hold me touch me, Hold me touch me... Kiss me feel me, Yank me spank me, Suck me fu... ah! Hold me touch me!
- Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer... 'Cause it's everything I'm not
- Accountants: [sung] Unhappy... unhappy... So unhappy
- Leo and Accountants: [sung] Very very very very very very very...
- Accountants: [sung] Sad.
- Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer...
- [spoken]
- Leo Bloom: Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna get on!
- Mr. Marks: Bloom, where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break.
- Leo Bloom: I'm not going in the toilet... I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS! Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit! And you're right about one thing... You are a CPA - a Certified Public ASSHOLE! Here's my visor... my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish!
- Leo Bloom: [sung] I'm gonna be a producer Sound the horn and beat the drum I'm gonna be a producer Look out Broadway, here I come!
- Chorus Girls and Accountants: [sung] Broadway, here he comes!
- Franz Liebkind: [at end of credits] Don't forget to buy "Mein Kampf" in paper back. Avaliable near you... at Borders Books... or Barnes and Noble... und Amazon.com
- Max Bialystock: [with a very high Irish accent] And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country...
- [normal voice]
- Max Bialystock: Taxi!
- Hold Me-Touch Me: I know, let's play the virgin milkmaid and the well-hung stable boy.
- Max Bialystock: Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
- Hold Me-Touch Me: Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
- [Hold me-Touch me grabs an umbrella and mimcks carrying milk]
- Hold Me-Touch Me: Oh dear, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. You there, well-hung stable boy, won't you please help me?
- Max Bialystock: Why of course my little dairy queen. First, I shall take your milk. Then, I shall take your VIRGINITY!
- Franz Liebkind: [while waving a gun around] You made a fool of Hitler!
- Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris: [Carmen and Roger peer over the couch where they are hiding] He didn't need our help.
- Max Bialystock: Do you know who I am?
- Leo Bloom: You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!
- Max Bialystock: No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!
- Roger De Bris: You mean that smell is you? Oh GOD. If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day.
- Max Bialystock: [from deleted scenes, reading a review] "By the end of 'Funny Boy', Max Bialystock's hopeless musical of "Hamlet", everybody is dead. They were the lucky ones." And this was the best review we got.
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