Tatum McCann: Samantha Newman at 5 Years Old
Samantha Newman - Age 5 : Daddy, how much longer are you going to live?
Michael Newman : [to cellphone] One minute.
Samantha Newman - Age 5 : One minute?
[grabs hold of his leg]
Samantha Newman - Age 5 : Daddy's gonna die in one minute?
Michael Newman : Whoa! No no no, I'm not gonna die, okay? I'm gonna live... 200 more years, is that long enough for you and me?
Samantha Newman - Age 5 : You promise?
Michael Newman : I promise!
Ted : Benjamin, what do I have in my hand?
Trudy : A quarter.
Ted : Now, Grandma doesn't let me eat ice cream because of my diabetes.
Trudy : True.
Ted : But she says nothing about a tasty quarter.
[bites off half of it]
Ted : Alright, please, very quickly, count to 3, it tastes terrible. One...
[Ted spits the quarter back into one piece]
Trudy : Ahh!
Ben at 7-Years-Old : Are you shitting me?
Trudy : First he's eating like his father and now you're talking like him?
Donna Newman : Ben!
Trudy : Don't you EVER say that again!
Ben at 7-Years-Old : Sorry, Grandma.
Samantha Newman - Age 5 : HOW did you do that, Grandpa?
Ted : A good magician NEVER reveals his secrets, your daddy's been wanting to know how I did it since he was your age.
Donna Newman : Honey, you were so great.
Michael Newman : Whoa, what are you, half a dolphin or something? That was incredible.
Ben at 7-Years-Old : You just got here, Dad. I saw you.
Michael Newman : What do you mean I just got here? Why are you saying that? I saw you. You jumped in there, you swam here.
Samantha Newman - Age 5 : Then what stroke was he doing, Dad?
Michael Newman : He was doing the "shut-up".
Michael Newman : [after a year fast forwarded and his kids are getting bigger] I promise, I'm not going to work tonight, I'm going to stay home with you, and we're going to watch Dragon Tales.
Ben at 7-Years-Old : Dragon Tales is for babies, Dad.
Samantha Newman - Age 5 : Yeah, let's go watch CSI.
Ben at 7-Years-Old : Yeah! CSI!
Samantha Newman - Age 5 : [leaving the table] It's the one where they find the lady's arm.
Michael Newman : [to Donna] I missed the whole Dragon Tales era?
Michael Newman : [Ben and Samantha creep up to the Twinkie box beside Michael sleeping on the couch, he suddenly slams his hand on the box and lets out a yell, making them jump back] What was going on here, huh?
Samantha Newman - Age 5 : [laughing] We thought you were sleeping, Daddy.
Michael Newman : How can I sleep with two Twinkie burglers roaming around?