The Office (2005–2013)
Steve Carell: Michael Scott
Michael Scott : That's what *she* said!
Michael Scott : I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
Michael Scott : [to Toby] This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.
Michael Scott : Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special - baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, "Yo, that's shizzle". Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.
Michael Scott : Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.
Michael Scott : If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
Michael Scott : Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Michael Scott : Dwight, you ignorant slut!
Michael Scott : [to whole office] I... declare... BANKRUPTCY!
[Later, Michael is in his office cutting credit cards with scissors. Oscar comes in]
Oscar Martinez : Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
Michael Scott : I didn't say it, I declared it.
Michael Scott : Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible.
[Toby comes back from Costa Rica and surprises a distraught Michael]
Toby Flenderson : Hi, Mich...
Michael Scott : No, God!... No, God, please, no!... No!... No!... Nooooo!
Michael Scott : I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.
Michael Scott : I see the sales department are down there, they're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal *into* the furnace. Right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic.
Phyllis Lapin : Everyone in the engine room drowned.
[entire cast erupts in laughter]
Michael Scott : I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert : Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott : No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis Lapin : Afghani.
Michael Scott : What?
Phyllis Lapin : *Afghani.*
Michael Scott : That's a dog.
Pam Beesly : No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott : That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute : Wait, Canine Aids?
Michael Scott : No, *humans* with AIDS.
Creed Bratton : Who has AIDS? Wh...
Jim Halpert : Guys, the Afghanistananis.
Michael Scott : Ok, you know what? No. No!
[Pam giggles to herself]
Michael Scott : AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.