Hitch (I) (2005)
Sara: What should we toast to?
Hitch: Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.
Hitch: Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.
Hitch: Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me," or something like, "I just need some space," or my personal favorite, "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.
Hitch: Because that's what people do! They leap and hope to God they can fly. Because otherwise, we just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, "Why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am, Sara, falling. And there's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly. That's you.
Hitch: So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows... but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them.
Hitch: When you're wondering what to say or how you look, just remember, she's already out with you. That means she said yes when she could have said no. That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off. So that means it's no longer your job to make her like you. It's your job not to mess it up.
Vance: [grabs Hitch by the wrist] You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.
Hitch: Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor?
Vance: Oh, yeah.
Hitch: Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this...
[he reverses the grip, twists Vance's arm back and slams him on the table]
Hitch: This is more like me saying that I will literally *break your shit off* if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin?
Albert: You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you?
Hitch: Basic principles... there are none.
Max: There is more to life than to watch other people live it.
Allegra Cole: How did you know all that stuff about me?
[Hitch looks away]
Allegra Cole: Well, you really did your homework. Like at boarding school, when everyone used to tease me because I couldn't whistle?
[Hitch looks up, confused]
Allegra Cole: And having him dance like a buffoon, knowing that I can't dance, either? Then telling him to drop mustard on his shirt so I'd feel like less of a dork? That was all you, right?
Hitch: No. Hell, no.
Allegra Cole: That was him?
Hitch: That's got Albert written all over it.
Allegra Cole: Did you put him up to the inhaler?
Hitch: [stunned] Stop it. He did not show you that.
Allegra Cole: He chucked it right before he kissed me.
Hitch: So, wait. That stuff... worked for you?
Allegra Cole: It was adorable.
[they both laugh]
Allegra Cole: What *did* you do?
Hitch: [smiles] Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Hitch: One dance, one look, one kiss, that's all we get, Albert. Just *one shot* to make the difference between happily-ever-after, and oh-he's-just-some-guy-I-went-to-some-thing-with-once.
Sara: Why don't you go hit a titty bar with your buddy Vance?
Hitch: Wow. I don't believe this. That's your source?
Sara: You buried yourself, Alex.
Hitch: Then you weren't listening.
Sara: I heard every word. You're a scam artist. You trick women into getting...
Hitch: Into getting out of their own way, so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance!
[host gestures for him to leave]
Hitch: Okay, no, no, no, no. I want everybody to take a good look at this right now. Because this, this right here, this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard!
Speed Dating Guy: Sir, let's go, now.
Hitch: And Vance Munson is a pig! And I refused to work with him. You need to get your facts right. It's because of jerks like him that I even have a job... *had* a job!
Sara: Can you believe that guy?
Casey Sedgewick: Actually... I do.
Sara: [dejectedly] Me, too.
Hitch: I'm a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?
Hitch: Do you know the definition of perseverance, Miss Melas?
Sara: An excuse to be obnoxious?
Hitch: Continuing a course of action without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure, over.
Hitch: Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?
Sara: So life's kind of hard all around.
Hitch: Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "fuck off" sign that you have stamped on your forehead.
Hitch: Like I always tell my clients - begin each day as if it were on purpose.
Hitch: Does it ever occur to women that maybe a guy might like to have a plan, you know, because he's nervous? He's not sure that he could just walk up to you and you'd respond if he said "I like you." "I like you." "I like you!"
Hitch: [practicing kissing technique with Albert, as Allegra] I had a really nice time tonight, Albert.
Albert: I had a... great time, too, Allegra... with a beard.
[Albert leans in for a kiss, but stops when Hitch rolls his eyes]
Albert: What's up?
Hitch: I'm not feeling it.
Albert: What do you mean? I... I came ninety.
Hitch: I'm just not feeling like you want it. Look, I'm Allegra Cole. The woman of your dreams. The woman whose green eyes are limpid pools of desire. Now show me the magic, Albert. Show me the ma...
[Albert kisses Hitch]
Hitch: What the hell was that?
Albert: I'm showing you the magic!
Hitch: No, I said come ninety and then *I'll* come ten! You don't go the whole hundred! My mouth was open, Albert! You overeager son-of-a... blech!
[Hitch walks away]
Albert: Other than that, how was it?
Vance: [after telling Hitch that he only wants a girl so he can sleep with her] No, I was told that you help guys get in there.
Hitch: Right, but see, here's the thing - my clients actually *like* women. "Hit it and quit it" is not my thing.
Vance: Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi, I need professional help.
Hitch: Well, *that* is for damn certain.
Sara: Relationships are for people who are just waiting for something better to come along.
Max: Spoken like a true cynic.
Sara: I'm not a cynic, I'm a realist!
Max: Or a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist.
Sara: }: If he's stupid enough to cheat, the world should know he's dumb enough to get caught.
[Unimpressed with Albert's dance moves, Hitch pauses the music and slaps him across the face]
Hitch: Get out.
Hitch: All right, come on, just... show me what you got.
Albert: What do you... what do you mean?
Hitch: Just show me how you would kiss me.
Albert: Well, I... *wouldn't* kiss you.
Hitch: I'm not me. I'm Allegra.
Albert: [frowns] But you're really not.
Hitch: Okay, Albert. End of the night, you're dropping me off at home. Show me the magic.
Albert: Yeah. You know, I'm really not comfortable with this...
Hitch: [grabs Albert's hand, pretends to be Allegra] Albert, I had such a wonderful time with you!
Albert: Yeah. How about those Knicks, huh?
Hitch: [reaches for his keys] See what I'm doing? All right? This is a signal, okay? I'm fiddling with my keys, all right? A woman who doesn't want to kiss takes her keys out, puts them in the door, goes in the house. A woman that wants to kiss, she fiddles.
[jingles the keys]
Hitch: I'm fiddling.
Cressida Baylor: [Deleted Scene]
[Cressida runs into Hitch at a cafe]
Cressida Baylor: Adam?
Hitch: Oh *shit!* Alex.
Cressida Baylor: Alex! Right, of course, Jesus. Oh my God, look at you!
[Hitch chuckles uncomfortably]
Cressida Baylor: You don't remember me, do you?
Hitch: Um, Cressida right?
Cressida Baylor: Wow! God, what's it been, like ten... twelve years?
Hitch: Fourteen? Couple months?
Cressida Baylor: This is so - Wow!
Cressida Baylor: How are you?
Hitch: I'm good. I'm good. I'm... I'm just good.
Cressida Baylor: Wow, you look *amazing!*
Hitch: Thank you. Thank you.
Cressida Baylor: Do you live around here?
Hitch: Yes, actually I live just down - Nope.
[she stares, confused]
Hitch: So what brings you to town?
Cressida Baylor: Oh well, I'm at Sotheby's London and Russell Simmons is one of my biggest clients.
Hitch: Okay, big timer.
Cressida Baylor: I'm actually staying over at the Soho House.
[long awkward silence]
Cressida Baylor: Uh listen. Maybe you can help me. I need a great restaurant. I've got these other buyers I'm meeting for lunch and I tried Nouveau but there was a two week wait!
Hitch: [starts dialing a number on his cell] Kim? Hitch. Can you do a reservation for a party of...
[Cressida shows three fingers]
Hitch: three at about...
[she holds up one finger]
Hitch: one o'clock? Last name Baylor. And take very good care of her. She's an old friend. Buh-bye.
Cressida Baylor: Well I guess you're the man to know!
Hitch: Yeah that's me - *Adam* Hitchens.
Cressida Baylor: You are so silly!
[playfully hits his leg]
Hitch: [looking to end the conversation] Thanks for the paper.
[gets up and walks away]
Cressida Baylor: Oh, yeah, well...
[gets up to follow him]
Cressida Baylor: Alex! Uh, listen. Russell's hosting this black tie thing at the Guggenheim and... I don't have a date.
Hitch: That's very very tempting.
[continues to leave]
Cressida Baylor: [shouts after him] Well, call me! I'm at the Soho House.
Hitch: Yeah, you said that.
Hitch: [on Albert] That man would have sold his soul to make you happy.
Allegra Cole: So what does that make you? The devil?
Hitch: I just know that I want to be... miserable. Like, *really* miserable. But hey, if that's what it takes for me to be happy, then... wait, that didn't come out right.
Hitch: [Hitch showed Sara where her great-great-grandfather Juan signed into Ellis Island, and she ran out the door crying] I'm really sorry. When I saw him on the computer, it said "The Butcher of Cadíz." I thought it was a profession, not a headline.
Hitch: [Struggling to speak with Sara through her peephole, explaining why he pauses] ... This is weird - I don't have me behind the door.
[Albert is holding a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts]
Hitch: What you got there?
Albert: This? I figured maybe if my heart stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much.
Hitch: [as Sara walks the drunk Hitch thru the park] I'm like a vault baby, locked down!
Chip: I noticed your glass was getting a little low so I took the liberty of bringing you another apple martini.
Sara: [bemused] Thank you.
Chip: And I couldn't help but notice... you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Sara: What's your name?
Chip: They call me Chip.
Sara: Aww, you can't get them to stop?
Chip: [laughs] That was funny.
Sara: Listen, Chip, I understand the courage it takes to walk across a room and try to generate a relationship out of thin air, so don't take the following personally...
Chip: You have fantastic eyes.
Sara: [chuckles] Thanks, try to listen. I... uh, this is no reflection on you, I'm just not interested. But thank you for the compliment of coming over.
Chip: You're welcome. So, do you like Cuban food?
Sara: Chip, seriously, that wasn't code for "I wish you'd try harder".
Chip: Are you always so shut down and afraid? That the right man might make you feel...
Hitch: [puts a hand on Chip's shoulder] ... Feel like a natural woman?
Hitch: Sorry, I'm late, honey, I couldn't get a cab. How was the meeting?
Sara: Ooh. Well, there was a beginning, a middle... and an end. Nice to meet you, Chip.
Chip: [stands up to walk away] You, too.
Hitch: In case you didn't go to high school, hitting is a good thing.
Albert: You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.
Hitch: Look, you will. Just give it time.
Albert: That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then... well, this is who I have to be.
Hitch: [to Albert] Don't need no pizza. They got plenty of food there.
Albert: [showing Hitch his dance moves] Do the Q-tip! Q-tip! Now throw it away! Now what am I doing? I'm makin a pizza!
Hitch: [to Albert] I need you to wrap your head around this. Tonight, Allegra Cole may get her *last* first kiss.
Hitch: [Albert uses his asthma inhaler]
Hitch: Lean in, place your hand on the small of her back, say it in her ear like a secret. But watch your hand placement, too high says, 'I just wanna be friends,' too low says, 'I just wanna grab some ass.'
Albert: [making holding gestures at different levels] Okay... Friends. Ass. Me.
Hitch: Heard of Michelangelo? Heard of the Sistine Chapel?
[Points at himself]
[Points at Albert]
Hitch: Sistine Chapel.
Albert: So you're saying you can make this work?
Hitch: My name is Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.
Sara: [on the phone talking to Geoff] Did I call it or did I call it? I mean, what did I say, six months? And when was her first date? So five-and-a-half? God, I hate it when I'm right. I mean, what is it about guys that makes them want to screw anything that walks, even when they're going out with someone as awesome as Allegra Cole? I mean, she's only the single most fabulous thing walking around New York.
[takes a paper from the newsstand]
Sara: Thanks, Young.
[back to phone]
Sara: Are you kidding? Of course I'm going to run it! Why should she waste her heart on some Swedish aristo-brat, even if he is gorgeous? Hey, if he's stupid enough to cheat, then the world should know he's dumb enough to get caught.
Hitch: [in reference to the seafood appetizer] Coquille St-Jacques, my ass! Death on a leaf!
Ben: [playing pool] You know what your problem is, Hitch? You're all about the short game. You pick your shots based on what you see first, not what's necessarily best for you in the long run.
Hitch: Well, all of us are not married to the woman of our dreams and about to have a baby. Now I'm very happy for you. It's just not for everybody. So please just leave me to my hot, sweaty, totally varied, wildly experimental short game.
Ben: I was just talking about pool, but whatever.
Hitch: Yeah, okay.
Ben: Honestly, I just hope one day you're able to experience the unconditional love, trust and openness that I share with Grace every single day.
Hitch: Is this really bar room talk?
Ben: You need to listen to me, man. I'm serious. Because when you get to a place with a woman like that, it's so beyond anything physical, that when I think back to when I used to run around with you and chase all these really gorgeous but shallow women... I don't know, it's kind of ridiculous and vaguely pathetic.
[two beautiful women walk in behind Hitch and Ben ogles them]
Hitch: Yeah I see what you're saying. That's pathetic. *That's* pathetic.
Hitch: What is the objective?
Albert: [softly] Shock and awe.
Hitch: That was shockingly awful. What is the objective?
Albert: Shock and awe.
Hitch: *What* is the *objective*?
Vance: Okay, okay. How much will it cost me to stay out of this?
Sara: I don't want money. I want a name.
Vance: I don't know his name.
Sara: Well what do you know?
Vance: I know this.
[hands her Hitch's business card]
Vance: All this for a lousy lay. Are we satisfied?
[knees Vance in the crotch]
Sara: So how'd you meet him?
Casey Sedgewick: I was in La Perla just buying some weekend thongs.
Sara: And he was doing likewise?
Casey Sedgewick: No. Actually he said he was buying something for his mom.
Sara: His mom? Casey, who buys high-priced lingerie for their mother?
Casey Sedgewick: Well, maybe he was looking for a robe.
Sara: Oh Casey. Casey, he was hitting on you while he was buying lingerie for another woman.
Casey Sedgewick: Well, I prefer the mother story.
Sara: I know you prefer it, but that's not the point.
Casey Sedgewick: No, the point is I'm not gonna start out assuming the guy's a liar.
Sara: Why not?
Casey Sedgewick: Because, that's how you wind up...
Sara: Like *me?* Is that what you were gonna say?
Casey Sedgewick: No, I was going to say 'like you.'