Simon Wellington: It's very simple. I was looking for a fox.
Colin Priestley: Right. Jesus. It's our own fault. We train you guys to talk bollocks in the House of Commons and the television studio, but please spare me the dispatch box stare. I'm not Leader of the Opposition. I'm an intelligent man.
Simon Wellington: A fox. Really. There are foxes on the heath. It's quite a sight. I like to go there after doing my red boxes.
Colin Priestley: Simon. Simon. As the Prime Minister's Press Secretary, you take more confessions than a priest, so I've heard the best lies in the business and yours is the political equivalent of "the dog ate my homework".
Simon Wellington: If I were making up a cover story, I'd make up something less ridiculous than this.
Colin Priestley: You had scratches and torn clothing.
Simon Wellington: I was mugged. Regrettably, these two men stopped to help me. That's how the story got out. Where's the selfish, uncaring society when you need it?
Colin Priestley: Simon, do me and yourself a favour. You're gay. It's what we call a "moma".
Simon Wellington: I'm sorry?
Colin Priestley: Moment of madness. That one's a bit inky. Have to think of a new one for your press release. Minute of misjudgement. Flash of... Well, maybe not flash, but whatever.
Simon Wellington: Look, call me a leaker, call me a plotter, call me anti-European, but I'm not gay.
Colin Priestley: Simon, you probably think that being gay is the wrong answer, which is why you're lying, but it's the right answer. The PM's got most of the country now, but even after a couple of gay Cabinet ministers the pink flag doesn't exactly flap for him.So we're going to appoint a minister for fudge packers and muff divers - as the electorate will learn to stop calling them - except we can't find a gay minister.
Simon Wellington: Well, what about...
Colin Priestley: Mandelson won't take it. Said something about stereotyping. But then look what the fox dragged in.
Simon Wellington: I'm not gay.
Colin Priestley: Simon, you have 48 hours to decide. "Out and proud" is the press release I'm planning. If you're out, you're in, and if you're in, you're out.
