Monster House (2006)
[waves flashlight at chandelier]
Jenny: Well, if those are the teeth, and that's the tongue, then that must be the uvula!
Chowder: Oh, so it's a *girl* house...
Jenny: [looks at him] *What?*
Chowder: My dad is at the pharmacy and my mom is at the movies with her personal trainer.
Chowder: My cousin's a cop in Milwaukee. I mean, he's kind of a cop... he's got a gun.
Chowder: I paid 28 dollars for that ball! I had to mow ten lawns and ask my mom for a dollar 26 times!
Jenny: But back to business: eggs, shaving cream, toilet paper. Without candy, I'm afraid your house is a bulls-eye with shingles.
Zee: Nice try. It's not my house.
Jenny: Okay, let's cut the crap. Maybe the parents you work for left you forty dollars in emergency money...
Zee: Maybe they left me thirty.
Jenny: Maybe you give me twenty, I write a receipt for thirty, and you pocket ten.
Zee: Maybe... and I want two extra bags of peanut clusters.
Jenny: One bag, and I'll toss in a licorice whip.
Zee: You're good.
Jenny: Are you guys mentally challenged? Because, if you are, then I'm certified to teach you baseball.
Chowder: [whispering] It mocks us with its... *house-ness*!
DJ: We haven't left this room once! Not even to go to the bathroom.
[Points to 2L bottle filled with something]
DJ: Don't drink that!
Zee: Oh gross! Whatever disease you guys have I'm sure its got letters and that they make pills for it!
DJ: Zee, it's true! There's something evil going on across the street!
Zee: [Sarcastically] That's excellent, I'm really happy for you.
Chowder: [pretending to talk to his father] Well, Dad, why don't you kiss my hairy butt?
Chowder: Hey, DJ, you got any beer?
Chowder: Well, hello there...
DJ: [to Jenny] This is... Chowder...
Chowder: Charles, to the ladies...
Jenny: [interrupting] Um, Jenny Bennett. Two-term class president at Westbrook Prep.
DJ: That's a tough school to get into.
Chowder: Yeah, I got in but decided not to go.
Jenny: It's a girl's school.
Chowder: [nervous pause] ... Which is why I didn't...
[another nervous pause]
Chowder: ... You know there's a... there's a great taco stand near there...
Zee: Now what do you want?
Jenny: Just trying to get a head-start on life and secure a sucessful future.
Zee: You want a successful future? When a guy with tattoos comes up to the drive-thru, give him his burger, not your phone number.
Skull: Calm down! You make me wanna throw up in some tin foil and eat it!
Chowder: All right, vacuum cleaner dummy, I'm setting you down on the lawn. Don't be scared, that's not how you were trained.
Chowder: I love you, vacuum cleaner dummy.
Chowder: Yes, umm, are you nuts? I don't wanna steal drugs from my Father, I don't wanna go inside a monster, and I don't wanna die!
Jenny: I say its worth a shot.
Chowder: Yes I agree. Let's do it.
Nebbercracker: Do you want to be eaten alive?
Little Girl: No.
Nebbercracker: Then GET OUT OF HERE!
[she jumps off her trike and starts to run, but stops]
Little Girl: My trike.
[Nebbercraker grabs the trike and tears off the front wheel, and she runs away crying]
[the house taunts Chowder by scratching a scary face on his basketball]
Chowder: It's gonna be a bloodbath.
[Jenny emerges from the closet after calling her mother on the phone]
Jenny: [rolls her eyes] She didn't believe me.
Chowder: [sighs] Authority can be so...
[makes armpit noises]
Jenny: Okay, normally I don't spend time with guys like you, but a house just tried to eat me, so... you've got one hour.
Jenny: Is this pee? Because if it is, that's really gross!
Chowder: DJ?... You pee in bottles?
DJ: What are you talking about? That one's your pee.
DJ: Can I ask you something?
Zee: Sure you can cantelope. We are going to have so much fun I have tons of activities...
DJ: [rolls eyes] It's okay. They're gone
Zee: They are? They're gone?
[takes off her pink sweater and reveals she is wearing a black punk t shirt, unties her hair]
[from the trailer]
Mom: We'll be back tomorrow night. Oh. If anything happens, call the police and hide in your closet.
Dad: He knows that.
Officer Lister: That sounds like the 'dangerous creature'! I'm gonna go check it out.
[sneaks toward the house]
Officer Landers: [to self] Gosh, just like tryin' to wrangle a puppy...
Chowder: You're really crazy right now, you notice that? I think you're just freakin' out because you killed a guy today.
Skull: [Playing arcade machine] You're gonna die! You're gonna die!
Skull: [kills someone in game] Aw, did you see that? I just chopped off your head again! Your head's rolling. You can't even see it 'cuz your eyes are on your head!
DJ: [interupts] Sir?
Skull: [looks at DJ] What? I'm busy playing a video game without even looking at the screen.
Nebbercracker: [kneeling very excited; looks up at DJ] 45 years... we have been trapped for 45 years... and now we're free!
DJ: Chowder, your ball just landed on Nebbercracker's lawn. It doesn't exist anymore...
Zee: I'm just creeped out. You know, I saw an ambulance here today.
Zee: So, maybe Nebbercracker really did die.
Bones: We should be so lucky, the guy was evil.
Zee: No, he was just a grumpy old dude.
Bones: Oh really? Zee? When I was 10 years old. I had a kite. Awesome kite. I could fly it so high you couldn't see it. One day, it crashed down, I followed the string, and it landed right over there, across the street right on the edge of his lawn.
Zee: Awww, did he take your kite?
Bones: Yeah, he takes everything that lands on his lawn. But that's not the point, the point is, I saw him talking to his house, and kissing it. Besides, everybody knows what he did to his wife.
Zee: Why? What? What did he do to her?
Bones: He ate her!
[jumps on top of Zee]
[after watching the house eat the two cops]
Chowder: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I think I'm having a stroke!
Skull: Oh, you like the steel of my blade? It's so cold.
Chowder: Relax. Just be cool, like me.
[Chowder accidentally leans on lever, which starts the machine]
Officer Lister: [DJ, Chowder, and Jenny throw their water guns at his feet] I will shoot you!
DJ: [to Mr. Nebbercracker] I'm sorry about your house - your wife... your... house-wife.
Chowder: We're dead. You've killed us, and we're dead!
DJ: Shh! I don't think the house knows that we're in here. I bet it thinks we're still in the car.
Jenny: Sounds like it's sleeping.
DJ: The only way that we're gonna get out of here alive, is if we find the heart, and put out the fire.
Chowder: Maybe we should examine our other options?
DJ: Sure. Other option: we wait here and do nothing until it wakes up and eats us.
Chowder: Find the heart, put out the fire. Got it.
Chowder: It's time for an in your face disgrace!
[basketball ricochets off the hoop and hits Chowder in the face]
DJ: Are you okay?
Chowder: My nose is in my brain!
DJ: Let me see - Oh my God!
DJ: You're a dork.
Officer Lister: We are SUPER cops!
Officer Landers: [sarcastic] Yeah, that's why I live in a condo...
Zee: Whatever issue you guys have, I'm sure it has letters and they make pills for it.
Zee: Skull's not like you. He makes time for me and gives me the respect I deserve.
Chowder: [after they escape the Monster House by getting upchucked] That's it. Another great idea, DJ! Brilliant!
DJ: What do you want from me, Chowder? I don't see you coming up with any big ideas.
Chowder: Oh yeah, yeah. Do you wanna hear my big idea? I'm going home to make A PRETZEL SANDWICH! See ya!
[starts walking away until DJ pulls him back]
DJ: Chowder! The house is still alive and you're gonna wuss out?
Chowder: I risked my life for you: I stoled drugs for you and *I could've died in there!*
DJ: Yeah. Me too!
Chowder: Yeah, but you're the one that killed Nebbercracker in the first place!
DJ: Getting your stupid ball back...!
Jenny: [Jenny pulls them apart] You guys, stop fighting. You're acting like babies.
DJ: We ARE babies! What were we thinking? We tried to put a house to sleep with cold medicine. How lame could you get?
[DJ begins walking toward his house]
Chowder: Where are you going?
DJ: I'm going home. I suck.