Lou Romano: Linguini
Anton Ego : You are Monsieur Linguini?
Linguini : Uh, hello.
Anton Ego : Pardon me for interrupting your premature celebration, but I thought it only fair to give you a sporting chance as you are new to this game.
Linguini : Uh... game?
Anton Ego : Yes, and you've been playing without an opponent, which is, as you may have guessed... against the rules.
Linguini : [awed] You're... Anton Ego.
Anton Ego : [sarcastic] You're slow for someone in the fast lane.
Linguini : [a little nervously] And you're... thin, for someone who likes food.
Anton Ego : I don't *like* food; I LOVE it. If I don't love it, I don't *swallow*.
[Linguini swallows nervously]
Anton Ego : [turns to leave] I will return tomorrow night with high expectations. Pray you don't disappoint me.
Colette : Horst has done time.
Linguini : What for?
Colette : No one know for sure. He changes the story every time you ask him.
[Horst is shown telling his story at different times]
Horst : I defrauded a major corporation.
Horst : I robbed the second-largest bank in France using only a ball-point pen.
Horst : I created a hole in the ozone over Avignon.
Horst : I killed a man... with *this* thumb!
Colette : What are you doing?
Linguini : [stammering] Uh, I'm cutting vegetables. I'm cutting the... vegetables?
Colette : No! You waste energy and time! You think cooking is a cute job, eh? Like Mommy in the kitchen? Well, Mommy never had to face the dinner rush when the orders come flooding in, and every dish is different and none are simple, and all of the different cooking times, but must arrive at the customer's table at exactly the same time, hot and perfect! Every second counts, you CANNOT be MOMMY!
Skinner : You know something about rats, you know you do!
Linguini : You know who know, do, whacka-do. Ratta-tatta - Hey, why do they call it that?
Skinner : What?
Linguini : Ratatouille. It's like a stew, right? Why do they call it that? If you're gonna name a food, you should give it a name that sounds delicious. Ratatouille doesn't sound delicious. It sounds like "rat" and "patootie." Rat patootie! Which does not sound delicious.
[holds out his glass for more wine]
Skinner : [growling] Regrettably, we are all... out... of wine.
Linguini : Listen, I just want you to know how honored I am to be studying under such a...
Colette : [pins Linguini's sleeve with a knife] No, you listen! I just want you to know exactly who you are dealing with! How many women do you see in this kitchen?
Linguini : Well, I uh...
Colette : [pins Linguini's sleeve with another knife] Only me. Why do you think that is? Because haute cuisine is an antiquated hierarchy built upon rules written by stupid, old, *men*. Rules designed to make it impossible for women to enter this world. But still I'm here! How did this happen?
Linguini : Well because, because you...
Colette : [pins Linguini's sleeve with a third knife] Because I am the toughest cook in this kitchen! I have worked too hard for too long to get here, and I am *not* going to jeopardize it for some garbage boy who got lucky! Got it?
[she sweeps the knives off Linguini's arm and he falls to the floor]
Linguini : [sitting up, chuckling] Wow!
[holding a trapped Remy out over the Seine to drown him; he and Remy stare at each other]
Linguini : Don't look at me like that! You aren't the only one who's trapped, they expect me to cook it again! I mean, I'm not ambitious, I wasn't trying to cook, I was just trying to stay out of trouble! You're the one who was gettin' fancy with the spices! What'd you throw in there, oregano? No? What, rosemary? That's a spice isn't it, rosemary? You didn't put rosemary in? Then what was all the flipping and... the throwing the...
[he sinks down on the wall with a sigh]
Linguini : I need this job. I've lost so many. I don't know how to cook and now I'm actually talking to a rat as if you...
Linguini : Did you nod? Have you been nodding?
Linguini : You understand me? So I'm not crazy! Wait a second, wait a second... I can't cook, can I?
[Remy shakes his head]
Linguini : But, you... you can, right?
[Remy shrugs modestly]
Linguini : Look, don't be so modest, you're a rat for Pete's sake. Whatever you did, they liked it. Yeah. This could work. Hey, they liked the soup...!
[he flails and knocks the jar into the river]
Linguini : Augh!
[he dives in and reappears soaking wet with Remy]
Linguini : They like the soup. Do you think you could... do it again?
Linguini : Okay, I'm gonna let you out now. But we're together on this, right?
Linguini : Okay...
Anton Ego : [running his finger through leftover sauce and licking it] I can't remember the last time I asked to give my compliments to the chef. And now I find myself in the extraordinary position of having my waiter *be* the chef!
Linguini : Thanks, but... I'm just your waiter tonight.
Anton Ego : Then who do I thank for the meal?
Linguini : Uh... excuse me a moment?
[he skates into the kitchen; he and Colette have a brief, muffled, heated argument; Colette and Linguini both come out]
Anton Ego : [to Colette] You must be the chef...
Colette : [cutting him off] If you wish to meet the chef, you will have to wait, until all the other customer have gone.
Anton Ego : [settling back to wait] So be it.
Linguini : When I added that extra ingredient instead of following the recipe like you said, that wasn't me... either.
Colette : What do you mean?
Linguini : I mean, *I* wouldn't have done that. I would've followed the recipe, I would've followed your advice, I would've followed your advice to the ends of the Earth because I love you... r advice. But...
Remy : [whispering desperately] Don't do it...
Linguini : [hesitantly] I have a secret. It's sort of disturbing. I have a ra... I have a raaaaa...
Colette : You have a... rash?
Linguini : No no no. I have this-this tiny, uh, little... little...
Linguini : a tiny chef who tells me what to do.
Skinner : Toasting your success, eh, Linguini? Good for you.
Linguini : [indicating his wine glass] Oh, I just took it to be polite. I don't really drink, you know.
Skinner : Oh, of course you don't. I wouldn't either if I was drinking *that*. But you would have to be an idiot of elephantine proportions not to appreciate this '61 Château Latour, and you, Monsieur Linguini, are no idiot. Let us toast your non-idiocy!
Linguini : [attempting to make an inspirational speech to the other cooks] Tonight is a big night. Appetite is coming, and he's gonna have a big ego. I mean, Ego! He's coming. The, the critic? And he's gonna order... something. Something from our menu, and we'll have to cook it...
Skinner : [seeing a ladle in Linguini's hand] You are COOKING? How DARE you cook in MY kitchen! Where do get the gall to attempt something so monumentally idiotic? I should have you drawn and quartered! I'll do it! I think the law is on my side! Larousse, draw and quarter this man! *After* you put him in the duck press to squeeze the fat out of his head!
[as he's shouting, Lalo ladles some soup into a tureen and brings it to the waiter]
Linguini : Oh no no no, OH NO, don't let them, don't eat...
Skinner : What are you blathering about?
Linguini : ...the soup!
Skinner : [sees the soup going out runs to stop it] Soup? Stop that soup! Noooooooo!
[bursts into the dining room to the stares of the diners, retreats back into the kitchen and watches through the window as the waiter serves the soup]
Solene LeClaire : [tasting the soup] Waiter!
Skinner : [gasps] Linguini! You're fired! F-I-R-E-D! Fired!
Mustafa : She wants to see the chef.
Mustafa : [scared] B-but he...
[clears his throat and goes to speak to the customer; Colette tastes the soup; Skinner re-enters]
Colette : What did the customer say?
Mustafa : It was not a customer. It was a critic.
Colette : Ego?
Skinner : Solene LeClaire.
Colette : LeClaire. What did she say?
Mustafa : She likes the soup.
Larousse : Hey, boss, look who it is! Alfredo Linguini! Renata's little boy! All grown up, eh? You remember Renata. Gusteau's old flame?
Skinner : Ah, yes. How are you, uh...
Larousse : Linguini.
Skinner : Yes, Linguini, so nice of you to visit. How is, uh...?
Linguini : My mother?
Skinner : Yes...
Larousse : Renata.
Skinner : Yes, Renata. How is she?
Linguini : Good... well, not... good... She's been better. She's, uh... she...
Horst : She died.
Skinner : [attempting to care] Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
Linguini : Well, don't be. She believed in Heaven, so she's covered... you know, afterlife-wise? Uh...
[clumsily gives Skinner a letter]
Skinner : What is this?
Linguini : She left it for you. I think she hoped it would help... me. You know, get a job... Here?
Skinner : Surely you don't expect me to believe this is your first time cooking?
Linguini : It's not.
Skinner : I KNEW IT!
Linguini : It's my... second, third, fourth, fifth time. Monday was my first time. But I've taken out the garbage lots of times before that...
Skinner : Yes, yes, yes, have some more wine.
Linguini : [Remy is controlling his movements by pulling his hair] That's strangely involuntareeee!
Colette : [reading a recipe] Sweetbread a la Gusteau: Sweetbread cooked in a seaweed salt crust with cuttlefish tentacle, dog rose puree, geoduck egg, dried white fungus? Anchovy licorice sauce... Uh, I don't know this recipe, but it's Gusteau, so...
Colette : [calling] Lalo! We have some veal stomach soaking, yes?
Lalo : Yes, veal stomach, I get that.
Linguini : Veal... stomach?
Colette : I know the Gusteau style cold. In every dish, Chef Gusteau always has something unexpected. I will show you. I memorize all his recipe.
Linguini : [writing in notebook] Always do something unexpected.
Colette : No. Follow the recipe.
Linguini : But you just said that...
Colette : [interrupts] No-no-no-no. It was *his* job to be unexpected. It is *our* job to...
Linguini : [to Remy] This is not gonna work, Little Chef! I'm gonna lose it if we do this any more. We gotta, we gotta figure out something else. Something that doesn't involve any biting, or nipping, or running up and down my body with your little rat feet. Biting: no! Scampering: no! No scampering or scurrying, understand Little Chef?
Linguini : [to Collete] Ngaah! Why is it so hard to talk to you? Okay! Here we go! You inspire me. I'm going to risk it all! I'm going to risk looking like the biggest idiot psycho you've ever seen! You wanna know why I'm such a fast learner? Why I'm such a great cook? Don't laugh! I'm going to show you...
[Remy yanks on his hair causing Linguini to fall into Collete's arms; they kiss]
Skinner : [growling] What are you playing at?
Linguini : [uncertain] Um, uh... am I still fired?
Colette : You can't fire him.
Skinner : What?
Colette : LeClaire likes it, yeah? She made a point of telling you so. if she write a review to that effect and find out you fired the cook responsible?
Skinner : He's a garbage boy.
Colette : Who made something she liked! How can we claim to represent the name of Gusteau if we don't uphold his most cherished belief?
Skinner : And what belief is that, Mademoiselle Tatou?
Colette : Anyone can cook.
[pause, Skinner looks around at the other cooks, who are smiling with approval]
Skinner : Perhaps I have been a bit harsh on our new garbage boy. He has taken a bold risk, and we should reward that, as Chef Gusteau would have. If he wishes to swim in dangerous waters, who are we to deny him?
Linguini : [to Remy] Look, I know it's stupid and weird, but neither of us can do this alone, so we got to do it together, right? You with me? So let's do this thing!
[to Remy referring to his home]
Linguini : So this is it. It's not much but it's, y'know... not much.
Linguini : [to Remy] Okay, so let's think this out. You know how to cook, and I know how to... appear human. We just need to work out a system so that I do what you want, in a way that doesn't look like I'm being controlled by a tiny rat chef - oh will you listen to me I'm insane I'm insane I'm insane in a refrigerator talking to a rat about cooking in a gourmet restaurant I will never pull this off!
Linguini : I know this sounds insane, but... well, the truth sounds insane sometimes, but that doesn't mean it's not. Uh, the, the truth. And the truth is, I have no talent at all. But this rat, he's the one behind these recipes, he's the cook! The real cook. He's been hiding under my toque. He's the reason I can cook the food that's exciting everyone, the reason Ego is outside that door! I know it's hard to believe, but hey, you believed I could cook, right? Look. This works. It's crazy but it works. We can be the greatest restaurant in Paris and this rat, this *brilliant* Little Chef, can lead us there. What do you say?
Linguini : [sees that Remy has betrayed him] You're-You're stealing food? Wha... How could you? I thought you were my friend! I trusted you!
[chasing the rats out]
Linguini : Get out! You and all your rat buddies! and don't come back, or I'll treat you the way restaurants are supposed to treat pests!
Linguini : [as Collette storms away] Colette. Colette!
Linguini : Oh, it's over Little Chef, I can't do it anymore.
[he runs outside and blocks Colette's motorcycle]
Linguini : Colette! Wait, wait, wait. Don't motorcycle away. Look, I'm no good with words. I'm no good with food either. At least not without your help.
Colette : I hate false modesty. It's just another way to lie. You have talent.
Linguini : No, but I don't. Really! It's not me.