White Chicks (2004)
Heather Vandergeld: Look who just flew in from the slums of Beverly Hills.
Megan Vandergeld: It's the Beverly Ho-Billies.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Squeeze me?
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, no, you didn't?
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] I'm sorry, but um... we just saw your new video. Yeah, they had a screening over at Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office
Marcus Copeland: A klept-ho-maniac!
Megan Vandergeld: [arrogantly] Your mother shops at Saks.
Marcus Copeland: [indignantly]
[as Tiffany Wilson]
Marcus Copeland: What?
[the Vandergeld Sisters proudly do siss-fingers]
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, my God. You want to talk about mothers? You wanna talk about mothers! It's mother time, OK?Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear! "Something's wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie's doing a beatbox!"
Heather Vandergeld: Well, yeah? Your mother's so stupid she exercises when she could just get, like, liposuction or something!
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered. You breast-feed like this:
[blows powder from hand, and everyone laughs]
Heather Vandergeld: Your mother is so, like... She's so...
Heather Vandergeld: Megan, you go!
Megan Vandergeld: Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barney's Rooftop Deck Restaurant for lunch and orders a niçoise salad and calls it a 'ni-coise' salad. 'Ni-coise' salad, right?
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King's about to pop out and say, "Only in America!"
Latrell Spencer: Oh, the deception. The betrayal. Man, you deceived me.
Marcus Copeland: Look, man...
Latrell Spencer: Negro, please. Didn't anyone tell you that this was an all-white party, huh? Someone get this jiggaboo away from me.
Kevin Copeland: [chasing and tackling Purse Snatcher] Gimme that.
Purse Snatcher: Jesus, lady! All this for just a handbag?
Kevin Copeland: It's not "just" a handbag. It's Prada!
Latrell Spencer: Once you go black, you gonna need a wheelchair.
Marcus Copeland: I don't see why I gotta go out with Buffy the White Girl Slayer.
Marcus Copeland: Look, King Kong. Why don't you take you and your "1980 pick-up lines," climb all the way up to the top of the Empire State Building, beat on your big old monkey chest, and then jump off? Excuse me.
Latrell Spencer: She don't know it yet... But that's 'Wifey' right there.
Lisa: Hi, I'm Cellulite Sally, look at my huge ba-donkey. Don't forget about me, I'm Backfat Betty. Now who could have said that? Oh, yeah, it's Tina the Talking Tummy.
Lisa: I can't even wear a short skirt and a top without looking like a fat pig.
[gives dog to hotel clerk]
Marcus Copeland: Take good care of him. Oh, and teach him how to say "Yo quiero Taco Bell". 'Kay?
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson]
[Brittany comes the dressing room with an outfit]
Kevin Copeland: How about this?
Lisa: [Sobbing] You bitch, that's so terrible!
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] OK, I'm going to go get help, OK? You need professional help.
Lisa: [Sobbing] OK! OK!
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Dr Phil!
Lisa: I'm Carnie Wilson before my gastric bypass surgery.
Kevin Copeland: This one goes with your skin tone.
Lisa: Somebody throw Shamu back in the ocean.
Kevin Copeland: Forget him, Marcus. We can do this ourselves. Look, all we gotta do is--is--is...
Marcus Copeland: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. "We?" Kevin, this ain't about "we." It's never been. It's about you. You come up with some stupid idea and I'm dumb enough to go along with it. And look where it's gotten me, Kevin. I just lost my wife and my job because of you. So don't tell me about "we" no more, all right?
Agent Vincent Gomez: So, who do you think wore those panties you were sniffing? Kevin or Marcus?
Agent Jake Harper: Gomez, l told you. l was looking for DNA...
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Oh, yeah.
Agent Jake Harper: What are you laughing at, ''Denzel''? ''Oh, what a beautiful chocolate man!'' hahahaha
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: You guys got some work to do?
[Kevin and Marcus approach the desk at the hotel, disguised as Brittany and Tiffany, respectively. "Brittany"'s fake breasts knock over multiple items on the desk]
Kevin Copeland: Sorry. Um... um... They're new. Dr. Dorfman did an *amazing* job.
Marcus Copeland: [squeezes "Brittany"'s breast] They feel *so* real.
Agent Jake Harper: Hi. I, I, um... I need a credit card, please. And, and some I.D., please.
Kevin Copeland: ["Brittany" takes "her" I.D. out of "her" handbag and realizes it has Kevin's information and photo on. "She" quickly thinks and acts offended] Credit card? I.D.? I'm *so* freakin' pissed*! First of all, I go to Dr. Dorf and he totally messes up my nose job. I ask him to make me look like Gwyneth Paltrow... I get off the surgery table looking like freakin' *Shrek*! Then I get *here*, and Mr. *Harper* makes me feel like I'm some dumb blonde with fake boobs going to a Hugh Hefner party!
Agent Jake Harper: No, I-I didn't mean to offend you; it's just, it's... it's protocol!
Kevin Copeland: I'm gonna have a B.F.!
Marcus Copeland: Oh, my God... She's gonna have a bitch fit!
Agent Jake Harper: No, no, no, d-d-don't have a-a-a B.F. now.
Kevin Copeland: I wanna speak to your supervisor! Better yet, I'm gonna write a letter!
Marcus Copeland: [to Harper] You are in *big* trouble!
Kevin Copeland: [Agitated, "Brittany" grabs a pen and a sheet of paper and starts writing] Dear... Mr... Royal... Hampton. I... am... a... *white*... woman... in... America.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: [appears] Ladies, is there a problem here?
Agent Jake Harper: No! Sir, no, no, there's... there's no problem.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: These are two of our VIP guests. Issue them keys. Immediately.
Agent Jake Harper: [nods nervously] Yes, sir.
Marcus Copeland: [to Harper] V. I. P. Learn your acronyms, okay?
Kevin Copeland: [to Gordon after he hands the "girls" room cards] What a sweetheart!
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Enjoy your stay.
Kevin Copeland: Has anyone ever told you you look *just* like Denzel Washington?
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: [laughing] Yeah, actually I have heard it once... or twice.
Kevin Copeland: What a beautiful chocolate man! Beautiful!
["Brittany" and "Tiffany" walk away giggling; Gordon and Harper exchange puzzled looks]
Megan Vandergeld: [realizing her father's hostage kidnapping plot, and he is the kidnapper] Daddy! Why are you doing this?
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson, but in his regular voice] Daddy didn't tell you? He's broke!
Heather Vandergeld: [confused] What do you mean "broke"? Like, Martha Stewart "broke"? Or MC Hammer "broke"?
Warren Vandergeld: MC Hammer broke!
Megan Vandergeld: These starving kids in Africa make me so sad. They don't even have to try to be skinny!
Kevin Copeland: [the Wilson Sisters get off the private jet and walk over to the arrival terminal, toward Kevin and Marcus] Hi, I'm Kevin Copeland...
Tiffany Wilson: [rolling her eyes at them] We already *gave* to the United Negro Fund!
Brittany Wilson: Yeah!
[They continue walking]
Kevin Copeland: Hold on!
[explaining to them their actual task]
Kevin Copeland: We're actually here to escort you ladies to The Hamptons.
Tiffany Wilson: Oh!
[hands them their bags]
Tiffany Wilson: The bags are on the plane.
Brittany Wilson: [gives Kevin her dog carrier, with their dog, Baby] Here, take Baby and clean out his bag. Oh, my God. He didn't have his colonic, and he, like, pooped everywhere!
[Baby, the dog, yaps]
Marcus Copeland: [Marcus emerges from the boot of the car, covered in the Wilson Sisters' luggage] Man! You guys sure got a lot of bags for a weekend!
Brittany Wilson: [scoffs] This isn't *a* weekend!
Tiffany Wilson: It's *the* weekend!
Brittany Wilson: Labor Day in The Hamptons. The last weekend of the social season. Like, only the hottest people are going to be there.
Tiffany Wilson: And only the hottest of the *hottest* are going make it onto the cover of "Hamptons Magazine"! And this is *our* year!
Brittany Wilson: [squeals] Yay!
[to Kevin, driving the car]
Brittany Wilson: Uh, open the window. Baby likes a little fresh breeze.
[Kevin opens the window]
Brittany Wilson: I just hope the Vandergeld Sisters' private jet *crashes* on the way there!
Tiffany Wilson: [shocked] Oh, my God, Brittany!
Brittany Wilson: [to Tiffany] You were thinking it!
Tiffany Wilson: [to Brittany] I know, but you *said* it!
Brittany Wilson: I know, I know!
Tiffany Wilson: And you, know, Heather totally *hates* you because you slept with her boyfriend.
Brittany Wilson: Oh, my God! So what? I sleep with *everyone's* boyfriend!
Tiffany Wilson: [Tiffany is reading the Hamptons newspaper and sees a picture of them in the paper] Oh my God! Brittany?
Brittany Wilson: What?
Tiffany Wilson: [shows Brittany the picture] We're on page 6!
Brittany Wilson: No!
Tiffany Wilson: Yeah!
Brittany Wilson: No!
Tiffany Wilson: Yeah!
Brittany Wilson: NO!
Tiffany Wilson: Yeah! Look!
[shows her the article]
Tiffany Wilson: "Wilson Sisters Rock Hamptons"!
Brittany Wilson: [both girls gasp and erupt into screams] Wilsons rock! We rock!
Tiffany Wilson: [squealing] Yes!
Brittany Wilson: [realising that they weren't actually at the Hamptons, but were in the hotel room in New York the entire time] Wait... We weren't *in* the Hamptons this weekend!
[looking at the screen]