QI (2003– )
Rob Brydon: When I was small and my dad just happened to hit his finger with a hammer for something new, he used to say, 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.'
Stephen Fry: That's a good saying 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.' I usually just say "Fuck it!"
Stephen Fry: [quoting Albert Einstein] Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe.
Alan Davies: [after his buzzer is a sexy woman's voice saying "Ahoy, hello sailor"] Hang on, hang on, who was that?
[pushes buzzer again]
Alan Davies: Hells bells.
Phill Jupitus: [during a round about the sinking of the Titanic] Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry: Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey: [laughs] I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"
Phill Jupitus: [putting on posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!
Stephen Fry: [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I've got a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,
[bringing out his right fist]
Stephen Fry: What have I got?
Alan Davies: Two moth balls?
Stephen Fry: A rather excited moth.
Alan Davies: Sorry, I thought you were literally asking.
Stephen Fry: [after much teasing over flubbing the words, Stephen finally gets to say it properly] They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is... there are no straight lines!
Howard Goodall: The Quite Interesting thing about Bees is that they all died out in the First World War, they caught a bad cold, and we imported loads of Mexican Bees to keep the pollination going. So when they tell you that they're all native bees, they're not, actually.
Alan Davies: Do the British National Party know about this?
Howard Goodall: What, you mean the BEE NP?
Alan Davies: The BEE NP, yes.
Stephen Fry: Pliny thought a sure cure for a headache was to tie the genitals of a fox around your forehead.
Stephen Fry: But still, it's better than propping up the evil Pharmaceutical Companies that are destroying our World...
Stephen Fry: Howard, Howard, Howard. Howardy, Howardy, Hustard.
Guest: I think Swedish Socialism comes from the Vikings: they have this concept "Larghomme" in Sweden which means "Just enough", which comes from sharing out the wine after a raid, making sure that there's no-one at the back who didn't get any.
Guest: One thing I learned working on the Vagina Monologues is that the clitoris has no other function than pleasure. I liked that, nice that otherwise it was purely decorative.
Stephen Fry: As indeed is my penis.
Sean Lock: Hey Stephen, what are you pissing through these days?
Stephen Fry: [talking with Dr. Ben Goldacre about the DSM IV] There we are, some Psychologists seem to have Disorder Naming Compulsion Disorder.
Stephen Fry: Gooooooooooooooooooooodeveningoodeveningoodevening!
Guest: The only South African Past-time I know about is leaving the Country when it becomes a Democracy...
Stephen Fry: There's nothing funny about trying to make people laugh!
Stephen Fry: Do you suppose elephants see pink human beings when they're drunk?
Clive Anderson: Human beings are pink!
Phill Jupitus: Good Vendor of Shoes! How many BARLEYCORNS am I this fine day?
Stephen Fry: There are stories of Nurses who get sent Stools by grateful patients, you must have heard this?
Jo Brand: They're not necessarily grateful.
Stephen Fry: 1 to 4% of our DNA is Neanderthal.
Jack Dee: Was there ever a Homo Sapien/Neanderthal Wedding?
Stephen Fry: Just go to Basildon any Saturday Night.
Stephen Fry: "Shagging the Dog"? This is a phrase in Canada, is it?
Guest: It means having a Lazy Day. Like "Shagging the Sheep".
Stephen Fry: Might be common practise around here, but not a figure of Speech.
Guest: You know, with a Lady, you have to woo her, take her to Dinner, but with the Dog it's just "Here, boy!"
Phill Jupitus: Again, I must correct you there!
Stephen Fry: If you put 5 Species of Sponge in a Blender they will separate out and reform again afterwards.
Phill Jupitus: Like Terminator 2!
Stephen Fry: I tried it with Chihuahuas but it didn't work.
Stephen Fry: Nobody quite knows why Neanderthals went extinct.
Jack Dee: Maybe we teased them to Death! "Yes, I know I'm ugly and stupid..."
Phill Jupitus: [Eddie Izzard Voice] Oh really? Oh really? Great. True Story.