Mean Girls (2004)
Lacey Chabert: Gretchen Wieners
Karen : You know who's looking fine tonight? Seth Mosakowski.
Gretchen : Okay, you did not just say that.
Karen : What? He's a good kisser.
Gretchen : He's your cousin.
Karen : Yeah, but he's my first cousin.
Gretchen : Right.
Karen : So, you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins...
Gretchen : No, honey, uh-uh.
Karen : That's not right, is it?
Gretchen : That is so not right.
Gretchen : Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just STAB CAESAR!
Cady : [voiceover] Gretchen Wieners had cracked.
Regina : I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him.
Karen : Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to taco bell?
Regina : I can't go to taco bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. GOD Karen you're so stupid!
[Regina leaves, Gretchen follows]
Gretchen : Wait, Regina! Talk to me!
Regina : No one understands me...
Gretchen : I understand you!
[Regina & Gretchen's voices fade out]
Cady : You're not stupid, Karen.
Karen : No, I am actually. I'm failing almost everything!
Cady : Well... there must be something you're good at.
Karen : I can stick my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see?
Cady : No no no... Anything else?
Karen : Well... I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense.
Cady : What do you mean?
Karen : It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain.
Cady : Really? That's amazing.
Karen : Well... they can tell when it's raining.
Gretchen : Regina, we have to talk to you.
Regina : Is butter a carb?
Cady : [Rudely] YES.
Gretchen : Regina, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday.
Regina : So...?
Karen : So that's against the rules, and you can't sit with us.
Regina : Whatever. Those rules aren't real.
Karen : They were real that day I wore a vest!
Regina : Because that vest was disgusting!
Gretchen : You can't sit with us!
Regina : [pause] These sweatpants are all that fits me right now.
Regina : [after being ignored] Fine! You can walk home, bitches.
Gretchen : I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm popular.
Karen : God. My hips are huge!
Gretchen : Oh please. I hate my calves.
Regina : At least you guys can wear halters. I've got man shoulders.
Cady : [voiceover] I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently there's lots of things that can be wrong on your body.
Gretchen : My hairline is so weird.
Regina : My pores are huge.
Karen : My nail beds suck.
[pause. All look at Cady]
Cady : I have really bad breath in the morning.
Karen : Ew!
Gretchen : [reading from the Burn Book] Trang Pak is a grotsky, little byotch.
Regina : Still true.
Gretchen : Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin.
Regina : Still half-true.
Karen : Amber D'Alessio . She made out with a hot dog.
Gretchen : Janis Ian-DYKE.
Karen : [pointing to Damien in background of picture] Hey, who is that?
Gretchen : I think it's that kid, Damien.
Cady : Yeah, he's almost too gay to function.
[Karen & Gretchen chuckle]
Regina : That's funny, put that in there.
Gretchen : [to Cady] If only you knew how mean she really is... You'd know that I'm not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah! Two years ago she told me hoops earrings were *her* thing and I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hannakuh my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn't even like them and... it was so sad. And you know she cheats on Aaron? Yes, every Thursday he thinks she's doing SAT prep but really she's hooking up with Shane Oman in the projection room above the auditorium! I never told anybody that because I am *such* a good friend!
[begins to cry]
Regina George : Wedell on South Boulevard.
Gretchen : Caller ID
Regina George : Not when you connect from information.
Taylor Wedell's Mom : Hello?
Regina George : Hello, may I please talk to Taylor Wedell?
Taylor Wedell's Mom : She's not home yet who's calling?
Regina George : This is Susan from Planned Parenthood, I have her test results. If you could have her call me as soon as she can. It's urgent, Thank You.
[Taylor Wedell's mom faints]
Regina George : She's not going out with anyone.
Cady : [voiceover] The weird thing about hanging out with Regina was that I could hate her, and at the same time, I still wanted her to like me.
Regina : [to Cady] Okay... you have really good eyebrows.
Cady : Thanks.
Regina : [pushing Gretchen] Move.
Gretchen : Ooh.
Cady : [voiceover] Same with Gretchen: the meaner Regina was to her, the more Gretchen tried to win Regina back. She knew it was better to be in the plastics, hating life, than to not be in at all. Because being with the plastics was like being famous... people looked at you all the time and everybody just knew stuff about you.
Girl : That knew girl moved here from Africa.
Girl : I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops.
Boy : That Cady girl is hot... she might even be hotter than Regina George.
Mr. Duvall : I hear Regina George is dating Aaron Samuels again. The 2 were seen canoodling at Chris Isen's halloween party... they've been inseparable ever since.
Gretchen : That was so fetch!
Regina George : 120 calories and 48 calories from fat. What percent is that?
Gretchen : Uh, 48 into 120?
Regina George : I'm only eating foods with less than 30 percent calories from fat.
Cady : It's 40 percent. Well 48 over 120 equals X over 100 and then you cross multiply and get the value of X.
Regina George : Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries.
Gretchen : Irregardless, ex-boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean that's just like the rules of feminism.
Gretchen : [in her English class essay, after being humiliated by Regina] Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What's so great about Caesar? Hm? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's not what Rome is about. We should totally just *stab* Caesar!
Cady : [Voiceover] Gretchen Wieners had cracked.
Gretchen : [Talking to Cady] And you can only wear your hair in a ponytail once a week, so I guess you chose today.
Regina : We do not have a clique problem at this school.
Gretchen : But you do have to watch out for "frenemies".
Regina : What are "frenemies"?
Gretchen : Frenemies are enemies who act like friends. We call them "frenemies".
Karen : Or "enemends".
Gretchen : Or friends who secretly hate you, we call them "fraitors".
Regina : [rolls eyes] That is so gay.
Karen : [gasps] What if we called them "mean-em-aitors"?
Regina : [scoffs]
Gretchen : No, honey, it has to have the word "friend" in it.
Karen : Oh...
Jason : Is your muffin buttered?
Cady : What?
Jason : Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?
Cady : My what?
Regina : Is he bothering you? Jason, why are you such a skeeze?
Jason : I'm just being friendly.
Gretchen : [whispers] You were supposed to call me last night!
Regina : Jason, you do not come to a party at my house with Gretchen and then scam on some poor innocent girl right in front of us three days later. She's not interested. Do you want to have sex with him?
Cady : No, thank you.
Regina : Good. So it's settled. So you can go shave your back now. Bye, Jason.
Jason : [whispers] Bitch...
Gretchen Wieners : And did you know she cheats on Aaron? Yes, every Thursday he thinks she's doing SAT Prep but really she's hooking up with Shane Oman in the projection room above the auditorium. And I never told anyone because... I was *such* a good friend.
Gretchen : Oh no, I can't say anything else until I have a parent or lawyer present.
Gretchen : Growing up female in this world is not easy. In China, baby girls are routinely put up for adoption. And in parts of Africa, women are still made to live in tents during the time of their menses.
Karen : Ew!
Gretchen : And even in fancy countries like the United States and England, seven out of ten girls have a negative body image.
Regina George : Who cares? Six of those girls are right!
Regina : [Cady and the Plastics are getting into their start positions for Jingle Bell Rock] Uh, Gretchen? Switch sides with Cady.
Gretchen : But I'm always on your left!
Regina : Well, that was when we were three of us, and now the tallest go in the middle.
Gretchen : But the whole dance will be backwards! I'm always on your left!
Regina : And right now, you're getting on my last nerve! Switch!
[Gretchen reluctantly swaps sides with Cady in the positions]
Regina : [On the phone] I know your secret.
Cady : [to herself] Oh god, busted! Just start apologizing and crying. No, play it cool.
Cady : Secret? What are you saying about?
Regina : Gretchen told me you like Aaron Samuels. I mean, I don't care, do whatever you want, but lemme just tell you something about Aaron, all he cares about is school and his mom and his friends.
Cady : Is that bad?
Regina : But if you like him, whatever. I mean I could talk to him for you if you want.
Cady : Really? You would do that? I mean nothing embarassing though, right?
Regina : Oh no, trust me, I know exactly how to play it. But wait, aren't you *so* mad at Gretchen for telling me? Because if you are you can tell me, it was a really bitchy thing for her to do.
Cady : Yeah, it was pretty bitchy, but I'm not mad, I mean I guess she just likes the attention.
Regina : See, Gretch? I told you she's not mad at you!
Gretchen : [Suddenly appears in the same phone conversation] I can't believe you think I like attention!
Regina : [to both Cady and Gretchen] Ok, love you, see you tomorrow!
Gretchen : I mean no offense, but how could she send you a candy cane? She doesn't even like you that much. Maybe she feels weird around me because I'm the only person who knows about her nose job. Oh my god, pretend you didn't hear that.