Sideways (2004) Poster


Thomas Haden Church: Jack



  • Jack : If they want to drink Merlot, we're drinking Merlot.

    Miles Raymond : No, if anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!

  • Miles Raymond : I'm finished. I'm not a writer, I'm a middle school English teacher. Well, the world doesn't give a shit what I have to say. I'm unnecessary. Ha! I'm so insignificant I can't even kill myself.

    Jack : Miles, what the hell is that supposed to mean?

    Miles Raymond : Come on, man. You know. Hemingway, Sexton, Plath, Woolf. You can't kill yourself before you're even published!

    Jack : What about the guy who wrote Confederacy of Dunces? He committed suicide before he was published. Look how famous he is!

    Miles Raymond : Thanks.

    Jack : Just don't give up, alright? You're gonna make it.

    Miles Raymond : Half my life is over and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. I'm a thumbprint on the window of a skyscraper. I'm a smudge of excrement on a tissue surging out to sea with a million tons of raw sewage.

    Jack : See? Right there. Just what you just said. That is beautiful. 'A smudge of excrement... surging out to sea.'

    Miles Raymond : Yeah.

    Jack : I could never write that.

    Miles Raymond : Neither could I, actually. I think it's Bukowski.

  • Jack : Listen, man. Cammi gets off in an hour, so I was thinking I'd just hang around and have a drink, and make sure she gets home safe.

    Miles Raymond : You're joking, right?

    Jack : No.

    Miles Raymond : Un-fucking-believable. Can't we just... go back to the motel... and hang out... and get up early, play 9 holes of golf... before we head home?

    Jack : [puts his hand on Miles' shoulder]  Listen, man. You're my friend, and I know you care about me. And I know you disapprove, and I respect that. But there are some things that I have to do that you don't understand. You understand literature, movies, wine... but you don't understand my plight.

  • Jack : Yo! Yo! Here's my boy! Here's my boy! But who's your daddy? Now who is your daddy?

    Miles Raymond : Put me down, Jack.

    Jack : I'm so proud of you! Let me love you! So tell me everything. Details. I like details.

    Miles Raymond : No.

    Jack : What?

    Miles Raymond : It's private.

    Jack : You're kidding, right? Tell me what happened, you fucker, or I'll tie your dick in a knot.

    Miles Raymond : Let's leave it alone.

    Jack : You didn't get any, did you? You're a homo.

  • Jack : I might be in love with another woman.

    Miles Raymond : In love? Really? 24 hours with some wine-pourer chick and you're fucking in love? Come on! And you're gonna give up everything?

    Jack : Here's what I'm thinking: you and me, we move up here, we buy a vineyard. You design the wine; I'll handle the business side. You get inspired, maybe write another novel, one that can sell.

    Miles Raymond : Oh, my God. No, no.

    Jack : As for me, if an audition comes up, LA's right there, man. It's two hours away, not even.

    Miles Raymond : Jesus Christ, you're crazy. You're crazy. You've gone crazy.

    Jack : All I know is that I'm an actor. All I have is my instinct. You're asking me to go against it.

  • Jack : Fucking chick's married, man.

    Miles Raymond : What?

    Jack : Her husband works a night shift or something, and he comes home and catches me on the floor with my cock in his wife's ass.

    Miles Raymond : Oh, Jesus Christ.

  • Miles Raymond : Why didn't I get hurt?

    Jack : You were wearing your seatbelt.

  • [talking about Maya and walking by a golfer and his son] 

    Jack : Don't you just want to feel that cozy little box grip down on your johnson?

    Vacationing Dr. Walt Hendricks : Hey, you mind keeping it down, buddy?

  • Miles Raymond : [while tasting wine]  It tastes like the back of a fucking L.A. school bus. Now they probably didn't de-stem, hoping for some semblance of concentration, crushed it up with leaves and mice, and then wound up with this rancid tar and turpentine bullshit. Fuckin' Raid.

    Jack : Tastes pretty good to me.

  • Miles Raymond : She tell you she was married?

    Jack : Yeah.

    Miles Raymond : So what the fuck were you thinking?

    Jack : Wasn't supposed to be back 'til six. Fucker rolls in at five.

  • Jack : I have to have an operation. Maybe a couple. They have to wait for my nose to heal first, and then they're going to break it again.

    Miles Raymond : At least you'll still have a voice-over career.

    Jack : It's going to fuck that up too. I ought to sue her ass. The only reason I won't is to protect Christine.

    Miles Raymond : That's thoughtful.

  • Miles Raymond : Let me show you how this is done. First thing, hold the glass up and examine the wine against the light. You're looking for color and clarity. Just, get a sense of it. OK? Uhh, thick? Thin? Watery? Syrupy? OK? Alright. Now, tip it. What you're doing here is checking for color density as it thins out towards the rim. Uhh, that's gonna tell you how old it is, among other things. It's usually more important with reds. OK? Now, stick your nose in it. Don't be shy, really get your nose in there. Mmm... a little citrus... maybe some strawberry...

    [smacks lips] 

    Miles Raymond : ... passion fruit...

    [puts hand up to ear] 

    Miles Raymond : ... and, oh, there's just like the faintest soupçon of like asparagus and just a flutter of a, like a, nutty Edam cheese...

    Jack : Wow. Strawberries, yeah! Strawberries. Not the cheese...

  • Jack : This chick Stephanie, she's got it all goin' on.

    Miles Raymond : Well, she is cute, yeah.

    Jack : Cute? She's a fuckin' hottie. And you almost tell her that I'm gettin' married? What's the matter with you?

  • Miles Raymond : Did you read the latest draft, by the way?

    Jack : Oh, yeah. Yeah.

    Miles Raymond : And?

    Jack : It's great. I mean there are so many improvements. It's much tighter, just seems... I don't know, more congealed or something.

    Miles Raymond : Mm-hmm. What about the new ending? Did you like that?

    Jack : Oh, yeah. New ending vastly superior to the old ending.

    Miles Raymond : There is no new ending. Page 750 on is exactly the same.

    Jack : [pause]  Well... maybe it just seemed new because everything leading up to it was so different?

    Miles Raymond : [sarcastically]  Yeah, that must be it!

  • Jack : Are you still seeing that shrink?

    Miles Raymond : I saw him on Monday. I spent most of the time helping him with his computer.

    Jack : Well, I say, fuck therapy. And what is that stuff you take... Xanax?

    Miles Raymond : And Lexapro, yes.

    Jack : Well, I say, fuck that too. You need to get your joint worked on, Miles.

  • Jack : Speak for yourself. I get chicks lookin' at me all the time. All ages. Dudes too.

    Miles Raymond : Well, it's not worth it. You pay too big a price. It's never free.

    Jack : You need to get laid, Miles. You know what? That's going to be my best man gift to you this week. I'm gonna get you laid.

    Miles Raymond : Wonderful.

    Jack : I'm not gonna get you a gift certificate or a pen knife or any of that other horse shit.

    Miles Raymond : I'd rather have a knife.

  • Jack : Bet ya that chick's two tons of fun. You know, the grateful type?

  • Miles Raymond : Okay, so what's the plan?

    Jack : Uh... the plan is... you go.

    Miles Raymond : ME?

    Jack : 'Cause of my ankle. Still hurts. Just go explain the situation, Miles.

    Miles Raymond : [laughs uproariously] 

    Miles Raymond : Explain the situation? Yes. 'Excuse me, sir, my friend was the one balling your wife couple of hours ago. Really sorry. He seems to have left his wallet behind. I was wondering if I come in, just poke around, I don't know'

    Jack : Yeah, yeah, just like that. That's good.

  • Jack : [talking about his future]  Christine's dad has really been talking to me about getting into the family business, showing me the ropes. Which is something, considering how long it took for him to get over my not being Armenian.

  • Jack : [crying]  I can't lose Christine, Miles. I can't. I know I fucked up, I know I did a bad thing, and I'm a bad person! But you gotta help me, Miles! You gotta help me! If I lose Christine, I... I am nothing! I'm nothing!

  • Jack : Did you drink and dial?

  • Jack : You gotta help me! You gotta help me!

  • Jack : Man! That's tasty!

    Miles Raymond : That's 100% pinot noir. Single vineyard. They don't even make it any more.

    Jack : Pinot noir?

    Miles Raymond : Mmm-hmm.

    Jack : Then how come it's white?

    Miles Raymond : [laughs]  Oh, Jesus. Don't ask questions like that up in wine country. They'll think you're some kind of dumbshit, OK?

  • Jack : Do not drink too much. Do you hear me? I don't want you passing out or going in the dark side. No going in the dark side!

    Miles Raymond : Okay!

  • [introducing Jack and Maya] 

    Miles Raymond : Oh, this is my friend Jack. Jack, Maya.

    Jack : Hiya.

  • Jack : I'm trying to get you a little action, I'd appreciate a little help!

  • Cammi : And here are your handy wipes.

    Jack : Oh, so that's what these are. For a minute there I thought you guys were promoting safe sex.

  • Jack : Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, asshole!

  • Jack : Try to be your normal, humorous self. The guy you were before the tailspin. Do you remember that guy? People love that guy.

  • Miles Raymond : [after teaching Jack how to evaluating a glass of wine prior to tasting]  ... Are you chewing gum?

    Jack : What? No! No...

    Miles Raymond : [after a long drawn out pause]  ... Spit it out.

  • Miles Raymond : This week is not about me. It is about you. I'm gonna show you a good time. We're gonna drink a lot of good wine. We're gonna play some golf. We're gonna eat some great food and enjoy the scenery and we are going to send you off in style, mon frere.

    Jack : And get your bone smooched.

  • Jack : [Stephanie pours Jack and Miles full glasses of sample wine]  Oh, Stephanie, you bad girl.

    Stephanie : I know, I need to be spanked.

  • Miles Raymond : Now the cards are on the table.

    Jack : Yes, they are.

  • Miles Raymond : Hey, what should I wear?

    Jack : I don't know, something casual but nice. They think you're a writer.

  • Jack : Listen, honey. Let me call you right back. Miles and I are in the middle of something. No, it's nothing serious, Miles is just having one of his freak-outs. Yeah. Love you too.

  • Jack : Somebody had to do the talking. And by the way, I was right. She's not married.

    Miles Raymond : How do you know?

    Jack : No rock. When she came to the bar, sans rock.

  • Jack : [to Miles]  You dick, why do you have to focus on the negative?

  • Jack : You have been officially depressed for like two years now. And you're a negative guy anyway - even back in college. And now its worst! You're wasting away - teaching English to f*cking eighth graders, they ought to be reading what you wrote. Your books Miles.

    Miles Raymond : I'm working on it.

    Jack : Not hard enough

  • Jack : What is this morose come down bull sh*t? These girls want to party with us! Huh? And what was that ten minute lecture on who's vouvrays? Are you kidding me? Who gives a f*ck?

  • Jack : [Miles walks in on Jack and Stephanie having sex]  Not now! Not now!

  • Jack : You don't understand my plight.

  • Jack : There he is. There's my boy. But who's your daddy? Who is yo' daddy?

  • Jack : Come here.

    Miles Raymond : Uh! Huh!

    Jack : [tears one condom off the string]  One for you.

    Miles Raymond : Mmm.

    Jack : Three for me.

  • Miles Raymond : No, don't open that now. No, no, no, no.

    Jack : Why not?

    Miles Raymond : Its warm. Jack, that is a 1992 Byron. Its really rare. Okay, I've been saving it. Please don't open it. Oh, Jack!

  • Miles Raymond : You know what? Lets take the Santa Rosa Road exit and hit Sanford, first. Okay?

    Jack : Sounds good to me. I need a drink.

    Miles Raymond : These guys make top notch pinot and chardonnay. One of the best producers in Santa Barbara county.

    Jack : I thought you hated chardonnay.

    Miles Raymond : No, no, no. I like all varietals. I just don't generally like the way they manipulate chardonnay in California. Too much oak.

  • Miles Raymond : She's a f*cking waitress in Buellton, Jack. How is that gonna ever work out?

    Jack : You dick. Why do you have to focus on the negative? See how friendly she was to you?

    Miles Raymond : She works for tips!

  • Miles Raymond : Victoria and I used to like this view. You know, once we had a picnic here. We drank a '95 Opus One with smoked salmon and artichokes. But, we didn't care. Oh, man, she has the best palate of any woman I've ever known. She could even differentiate all different kinds of Italian wines.

    Jack : Miles, there's something I gotta tell ya. Victoria's coming to the wedding.

    Miles Raymond : Yeah, I know. You told me. I'm all right with it.

    Jack : Yeah, but that's not the whole story. She got remarried.

    Miles Raymond : She what?

  • [Miles explained to Jack for 2min that he is not going to talk about his night with Maya] 

    Jack : Did you have trouble performing? Yeah, that's the shit.

  • Miles Raymond : You walked all the way from Solvang?

    Jack : I ran! Twisted my ankle too.

    Miles Raymond : That's five clicks, Jack!

    Jack : F*ckin'-A right it's five clicks. At one point I had to cut through an ostrich farm. Those f*ckers are mean!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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