- Spottswoode: Team, if the Derkaderkastanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be 911 times a thousand.
- Sarah: Jesus, you mean...?
- Spottswoode: Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
- Chris: Well forget all these assholes! We have work to do!
- Spottswoode: Yes! Let's get Gary valmorphanized so we can use his acting!
- Gary Johnston: My acting? My ACTING?
- Gary Johnston: [rises from the steps] My acting just got a thousand people killed! Jesus, I've done it again!
- Spottswoode: Pull yourself together, Gary! We need you now more than ever!
- Gary Johnston: I'm through with this!
- Spottswoode: Gary, you can't go! Without you the team is doomed! Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".
- Intelligence: [pause] Yes, there is.
- Gary Johnston: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong-il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes - assholes who just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much, or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves, because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.
- Spottswoode: Yes, Gary, yes.
- Gary Johnston: And it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves, because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.
- Guy in Bar: See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!
- Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.
- Gary Johnston: You know I can't promise that.
- Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
- Gary Johnston: I promise I'll never die.
- Gary Johnston: OK, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.
- Spottswoode: Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?
- Gary Johnston: No.
- Spottswoode: So then, you haven't seen everything.
- Tim Robbins: Let me explain to you how this works: you see, the corporations finance Team America, and then Team America goes out... and the corporations sit there in their... in their corporation buildings, and... and, and see, they're all corporation-y... and they make money.
- Chris: Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
- Gary Johnston: What's your problem with me?
- Chris: Yeah, you wanna go?
- Joe: Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!
- Janeane Garofolo: As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.
- Sean Penn: Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.
- Gary Johnston: Bak. Derk-derk-Allah. Derka derka, Mohammed Jihad. Haka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.
- Terrorist: Ahhh! Derka derka derka!
- [Allows Gary into terrorist hideout]
- Spottswoode: Attention. Attention, everyone. All you in the audience should go to your homes now. Your countries need you, but the world will be safe, thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.
- [Crowd applauses as Gary kisses Lisa]
- Spottswoode: Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that cock right in his mouth.
- song: ["End of an Act"] I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark, When he made Pearl Harbor. / I miss you more than that movie missed the point, And that's an awful lot, girl. / And now, now you've gone away, And all I'm trying to say, is: Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school, He was terrible in that film. / I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part, He's way better than Ben Affleck. / And now, all I can think about is your smile, and that shitty movie, too! Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies? / I guess Pearl Harbor sucked, just a little bit more than I miss you.
- Terrorist: What do you know?
- Gary Johnston: I heard there might be a large terrorist attack. If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out.
- Terrorist: Get out of here! We have put out a jihad on the infidels because they destroyed our lives. What do you know about pain and sadness?
- [Gary pauses, recalls sounds of gorillas roaring]
- Gary Johnston: I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village in their Blackhawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad on them. And if you don't believe it, then you'd better kill me now, because I'll put a jihad on you, too.
- Terrorist: I like you. You have balls. I like balls.
- Joe: One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.
- [looks through binoculars]
- Gary Johnston: [waving the distress signal towards Joe and Chris] It's me! It's me!
- Joe: Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
- Chris: Smart-ass motherfucker!
- [fires missile at terrorist jeep]
- Joe: Your plan will fail! You'll never keep the world leaders distracted here for 9 hours!
- Kim Jong Il: Oh no? I've got Arec Barrwin!
- Joe: Dear God!
- [Deleted Scene]
- Spottswoode: Team, this is all my fault. I was overzealous in Cairo. I let racism cloud my judgment. I was so sure the ultimate terrorist was Middle Eastern, but I didn't realize he was a goddamn Gook. I'll never be a racist again.
- Kim Jong Il: Now you see, the changing of the worrd is inevitabre!
- Lisa: I'm sorry, it's what?
- Kim Jong Il: Inevit, inevitabre.
- Lisa: One more time.
- Kim Jong Il: [shouts] Inevitabre! Things are inevitabrey going to change! Goddamnit, open your fucking ears!
- Gary Johnston: Wait! Hold on! Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theater! Have Sarah and Joe lock on to...
- Gary Johnston: [he's kicked in the face and falls away backwards] Oof!
- Tim Robbins: [drops down from the ceiling] GRRRRR!
- Chris: Gary!
- [Martin Sheen knocks him out with a wrench]
- Tim Robbins: [shouts] Actors Ho!
- Helen Hunt: Helen Hunt!
- Samuel L. Jackson: Samuel Jackson!
- Matt Damon: Matt Damon!
- [a bit slurred, like a speech impediment. Gary gets up, only to be kicked in the face by Samuel Jackson]
- Samuel L. Jackson: Motherfucker!
- [Helen Hunt kicks Chris in the face]
- Spottswoode: Gary, Chris, come in!
- [no response]
- Kim Jong Il: Hans Brix? Oh no! Oh, herro. Great to see you again, Hans!
- Hans Blix: Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today, but your guards won't let me enter certain areas.
- Kim Jong Il: Hans, Hans, Hans! We've been frew this a dozen times. I don't have any weapons of mass destwuction, OK Hans?
- Hans Blix: Then let me look around, so I can ease the UN's collective mind.
- Kim Jong Il: Hans, you're breakin' my barrs here, Hans, you're breakin' my barrs!
- Hans Blix: I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you. Let me in, or else.
- Kim Jong Il: Or else what?
- Hans Blix: Or else we will be very angry with you... and we will write you a letter, telling you how angry we are.
- Kim Jong Il: OK, Hans. I'll show you. Stand to your reft.
- Hans Blix: [Moves to his left]
- Kim Jong Il: A rittle more.
- Hans Blix: [Moves to his left again]
- Kim Jong Il: Good.
- [Opens up trap, Hans falls in]
- Kim Jong Il: It will be 911 times 2356.
- Chris: My God, that's... I don't even know what that is!
- Kim Jong Il: Nobody does!
- Chris: If you betray us, I'll rip your fuckin' balls off and stuff them up your ass. So, the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls!
- song: [Song] America, fuck yeah! Comin' again to save the motherfucking day, yeah! / America, fuck yeah! Freedom is the only way, yeah! / Terrorists, your game is through, 'cause now you have to answer to / America, fuck yeah! So lick my butt and suck on my balls! / America, fuck yeah! What you gonna do when we come for you now!
- Chris: [Gary and Chris had entered and saw an actress tied up] Susan Sarandon.
- Susan Sarandon: Oh, thank God. We have to stop the ceremony. Kim Jong II is mad. Here, let me loose. I'll show you where the theater is.
- Chris: All right.
- Gary Johnston: [interrupting] No, Chris, stay away from her.
- Chris: Fuck you! She wants to help us.
- Gary Johnston: [calmly] No, Chris! She's acting.
- Susan Sarandon: I am not. The others tied me up because I wouldn't go along with their plans.
- Susan Sarandon: Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
- Gary Johnston: You shall die a peasant's death!
- [she starts to get up and using her guns to kill them but Gary shot her and fall to death]
- Gary Johnston: [Gary sees the limo] Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get inside your limo and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie part.
- Spottswoode: Uh, no. I just want to show you something.
- Gary Johnston: Yeah I bet you do.
- Spottswoode: Please, Gary. I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is EXTREMELY valuable!
- [Gary gets in the limo]
- Kim Jong Il: I was sent from pranet Xiron to conquer the Earf / I had a twiffic pran - I thought it would work / I tried to get the Earfrings all to kill each other, y'see / But it all went wrong and now I must decree / You are worthress Arec Barrwin / You are worthress Arec Barrwin / You have faiwred in every way / and now my stock in you has fawren / Your career is stawrin' / and you're worthress Arec Barrwin / That's why I brew your head off / And your chirdren are all bawrin' / Pranet Xiron is inhabited with Xipods rike me / But arso with Balmacs who are giant bees / The Xipods and the Balmacs are at constant war / So we wanted a new home and that's what Earf was for / But you are worthress Arec Barrwin / You are worthress Arec Barrwin / You fucked up my whole plan / and now Xiron is smeared with Balmac porren / Your garbage needs some hawring / and you're worthress Arec Barrwin / Now I must return home a faiwrure / I'm afraid the pit of Cryrock is cawrin'.
- Spottswoode: Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.
- Joe: Uh... All right then. Let's move.
- Woman Shouting out Her Window at a Drunk Gary: Get out of the street you fucking bum! You gave up on life didn't you!
- song: Liberty!
- Americans: Fuck Yeah!
- song: Wax Lips!
- Americans: Fuck Yeah!
- song: The Alamo!
- Americans: Fuck Yeah!
- song: Band-aids!
- Americans: Fuck Yeah!
- song: Liberty!
- Americans: Fuck Yeah!
- song: Las Vegas!
- Americans: Fuck Yeah!
- song: Christmas!
- Americans: Fuck Yeah!
- song: Immigrants!
- Americans: Fuck Yeah!
- song: Popeyes!
- Americans: Fuck Yeah!
- song: Popeyes!
- Americans: Fuck yeah!
- song: Sportsmanship!
- Americans: ...
- song: Books!
- Americans: Huh?
- Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
- Gary Johnston: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...
- Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.
- Joe: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.
- Chris: [not moving] I was nineteen years old when the musical Cats came to our town.
- [Gary stops and listens]
- Chris: I couldn't wait to see it. After the show I was asked if I wanted to go meet some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled. But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control. Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg. I tried to leave, but, Rumpleteazer held me down, and... I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.
- [last lines]
- Lisa: Wait a minute! Look!
- [a cockroach crawls out of Kim Jong-Il's mouth and towards a spaceship]
- Kim Jong Il: You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong-Il! I will return! You shall see. I will be back!
- [enters spaceship and launches out of the palace]
- Kim Jong Il: So rong, Earthrings!
- Gary Johnston: We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong-Il!
- Chris: All right, you guys. I hate to break this little party, but there are still a lot of bad guys out there.
- Gary Johnston: Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.
- Lisa: Fuck, yeah.
- Gary Johnston: Fuck, yeah.
- song: What would you do/if you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom/what would you do/if asked to make the ultimate sacrifice/would you think about all them people/who gave up everything they had/would you think about all them war vets/and would you start to feel bad/freedom isn't free/it costs folks like you and me/and if we don't all chip in, we'll never pay that bill/freedom isn't free/no, there's a hefty fucken fee/and if you don't all chip in your buck o'five who will/mmm buck o'five/freedom costs a buck o'five
- Alec Baldwin: By following the rules of the Film Actor's Guild, the world can become a better place; that handles dangerous people with talk, and reasoning; that, is the fag way. One day you'll all look at the world us actors created and say, "wow, good going, fag. You really made the world a better place, didntcha, fag?"
- Chris: Bad news Tim Robbins... I'm a smoker!
- [he throws his cigarette and it causes an explosion killing Tim Robbins]
- song: The hour's approaching to give it your best / And you've got to reach your prime / That's when you need to put yourself to the test / And show us the passage of time / We're gonna need a montage / Ooh, it takes a montage / Show a lot of things happening at once / Remind everyone of what's going on / In every shot, show a little improvement / To show it all would take too long / That's called a montage / Girl, we want a montage / In anything, if you want to go / From just a beginner to a pro / You need a montage / Even Rocky had a montage / Always fade out in a montage / If you fade out it seems like more time has passed in a montage...