Two and a Half Men (TV Series 2003–2015) Poster


Jon Cryer: Alan Harper, Sid



  • Alan Harper : Okay, name 3 things you would change about me.

    Charlie : Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

  • Alan Harper : [they are just about to sleep]  You want to watch porn first?

    Charlie : No!

    Alan Harper : Why not?

    Charlie : I'm drunk, in bed, in a hotel room with my brother and you want to know why I don't wanna watch porn?

  • Alan Harper : Who is Alan Harper?

    Charlie : That's easy. Alan Harper is an idiot.

  • Alan Harper : [Alan is moving out, and Charlie has labeled a box "Porn And Blow-Up Doll"]  You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?

  • Alan Harper : You're writing a report on The Taming Of The Shrew, not The Voyages Of Cap'n Crunch!

    Jake Harper : Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.

    Alan Harper : Okay... I'm not fooling around here...! You're gonna finish this DAMN BOOK and write the DAMN REPORT, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted AND ON FREAKIN' TIME!

    Jake Harper : I have my doubts, dad.

  • Alan Harper : [repeated line, whenever he's stressed out]  I-I-I-I-I...

  • Charlie : You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, Knocking Down the Wall.

    Alan Harper : Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called Kiss My Pale White Ass.

  • Alan Harper : Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.

    Charlie : Pull.

  • Alan Harper : A movie would be fine.

    Charlie : All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?

    Jake Harper : There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arrrr"!

    [Alan and Charlie doesn't laugh and just stare at him] 

  • Alan Harper : A little religion isn't gonna kill you.

    Jake Harper : Oh yeah? What's *your* definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?

  • Alan Harper : [when his receptionist keeps staring at him]  Have I told you lately you are doing a great job? Because you are doing a great job! In fact, I'm gonna make you employee of the month!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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