Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
[Patches throws a wrench and hits Justin in the face]
Cotton McKnight: I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.
Pepper Brooks: It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.
Lance Armstrong: Could I get a bottle of water. - - Hey, aren't you Peter La Fleur?
Peter La Fleur: Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong: Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
Peter La Fleur: Really?
Lance Armstrong: Yeah, I've been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. But, good luck in the tournament. I'm really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.
Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.
Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that's keeping you from the finals?
Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.
Cotton McKnight: In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
Pepper Brooks: He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.
Kate Veatch: For instance, do you realize you haven't collected any membership fees in 13 months?
Peter La Fleur: Hmmm...
Kate Veatch: I'm curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?
Peter La Fleur: I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal.
Kate Veatch: Well I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.
Peter La Fleur: Sad? You want to know what's sad? Six grown men playing dodgeball.
White Goodman: Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur: Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the tournament.
White Goodman: Yeah, you will take your chances.
Peter La Fleur: I know. I just said that.
White Goodman: I know you just said that.
Peter La Fleur: Okay, I'm not sure where you're going with this.
White Goodman: Well, I'm not sure where *you're* going with this.
Peter La Fleur: That's what I said.
White Goodman: That's what I'm saying to *you*.
Peter La Fleur: All right.
White Goodman: ...Touché.
White Goodman: I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you.
Dwight: [as Kate kisses Joyce] I told you she was a lesbian.
Peter La Fleur: Wow. Good call.
Kate Veatch: Hey! I'm not a lesbian.
Peter La Fleur: You're not?
Kate Veatch: No. I'm bisexual.
Dwight: Oh! Snap!
Peter La Fleur: You really think you can come in here and buy me out, White, you're a lot dumber than I thought.
White Goodman: Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I thought that I was once.
Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.
White Goodman: We should mate.
Kate Veatch: What?
White Goodman: Date! We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.
[Kate retches, then forces it down]
White Goodman: Are you okay?
Kate Veatch: I'm fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
White Goodman: In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it... *in a book*.
Patches O'Houlihan: [unrated version] Holy hell, son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!
Patches O'Houlihan: If you're going to become true dodgeballers, then you've got to learn the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!
Peter La Fleur: [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench] Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
Peter La Fleur: ...Okay.
Amber: Justin! I love you!
Justin: I lov...
White Goodman: [hits Justin in the face with a Dodgeball] Joanie loves Chachi!
White Goodman: Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade... Laser... Blazer...
Peter La Fleur: You need some help leaving White?
White Goodman: This doesn't concern you, Lafleur.
Peter La Fleur: Not nearly as much as your hair does, that's for sure, but uh, I believe she asked you to leave.
White Goodman: I get it, you caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils. Pity. I'll let you have your little moment, LaFleur, 'cause after this tournament, your gym, your life - and your gal - are gonna be mine. To be continued.
[Reaches up to caress her]
Kate Veatch: [Judo-grabs White Goodman and slams his face into the wall, leaving a streak of makeup] You don't get to touch me, ever!
Peter La Fleur: Okay, Romeo, let me help you up.
White Goodman: Get off of me, don't you touch me! It is over between us, Kate. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood - nobody!
Peter La Fleur: Look, White, I know that we've had our differences in the past...
White Goodman: Differences? Is that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers?
Peter La Fleur: That was one night.
White Goodman: Or what about that strip-o-gram you sent me for the Globo Gym one year anniversary?
Peter La Fleur: The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.
White Goodman: It was also a man!
Patches O'Houlihan: [giving the pre-match pep talk] And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!
White Goodman: There's no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.
Cotton McKnight: It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.
Kate Veatch: Are you reading the dictionary?
White Goodman: Oh, you caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.
Casino Worker: [a casino worker and a security guard wheels out a huge treasue chest] Here are your winnings, Mr. La Fleur. Congratuations.
Peter La Fleur: Right on time. I appreciate it. Thanks, guys.
White Goodman: [curious with anger] Winnings? What winnings? What winnings? What is that?
Peter La Fleur: Oh, gosh! I totally forgot to tell you, White. I took the $100,000 bribe you gave me last night and I put on us to win. We were going at fifty to one. Anyone? Top of your head. What's 50 times $100,000?
Kate Veatch: $5 million! Peter, are you kidding me?
Peter La Fleur: [opens the treasure chest, revealing stacks of cash] Surprise!
Cotton McKnight: And the Average Joe's beat the Germans in a *shocking* upset.
Pepper Brooks: I feel *shocked*.
White Goodman: Yeah, I hope you're all happy now. Good guy wins, Bad guy loses. Big freaking surprise. I love happy endings. You know, that's the problem with... the American cinema: Can't handle any complexity in it, you know? "Don't make me think, I just wanna be entertained." All right, fine. You want a little something, something for the ride home? Check these boots out for size.
Cotton McKnight: Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.
Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
Dwight: We're still missing the teenage love puppy and Steve the Pirate.
Owen: Who's Steve the Pirate?
Dwight: The only guy on our team that dresses like a pirate!
Owen: Wait, there's a guy on our team who dresses like a pirate?
Peter La Fleur: Come on, Kate. It's time to put your mouth where our balls are.
White Goodman: Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver. The gym is mine! So you can take your band of yellow-bellied losers and just crawl on outta here!
Peter La Fleur: You're right, White. I can't make you sell back my gym, so I'll just take your advice and invest in something. Say... the controlling stake of Globo Gym.
White Goodman: That's preposterous! I'd never allow it.
Kate Veatch: Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company, there's nothing you can do about it.
Peter La Fleur: So, I would control Globo Gym and... everything that Globo Gym owns. Which as of last night is Average Joe's Gym!
[Average Joe's Team cheering]
Peter La Fleur: I'm your new boss, White.
White Goodman: You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself!
Peter La Fleur: You're fired, pal.
Gordon: Hey, Honey!
[his wife gives the "L" sign]
Gordon: "L" for love! Good times.
Dwight: "L" for love? That doesn't mean love, Gordon...
Peter La Fleur: No, it's... people have different translations for different things and that's a special bond that you have with uh... with your mail-order wife. I think that's nice. It's fine.
White Goodman: This is it, La 'Loser.' You ready for the, whoo, hurricane?
Peter La Fleur: Just don't go cryin' to your mommy when I spank you in front of all these people, White.
White Goodman: You don't go cryin' to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face.
Peter La Fleur: Uh, White?
White Goodman: Yeah?
Peter La Fleur: You look awful fat in those pants.
White Goodman: Donde está la biblioteca, Pedro?
Peter La Fleur: White?
White Goodman: We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico City, so I've been boning up on my Spanish.
Cotton McKnight: Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage à trois of pain.
Pepper Brooks: Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.
Kate Veatch: That... is a really interesting painting.
White Goodman: Thank you. Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns. It's how I handle business. It's a metaphor.
Kate Veatch: I get it.
White Goodman: But that actually happened, though.
[Kate decapitates White Goodman's cardboard stand-up with a well-aimed dodgeball. Everyone stares at her]
Kate Veatch: What? Eight years of softball.
Dwight: Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
Peter La Fleur: She is *not* a lesbian.
Patches O'Houlihan: All I know is, that dyke can play!
Patches O'Houlihan: If you want to have dodgeball victory, you have to grab it by its haunches and you gotta hump it into submission!
Cotton McKnight: [after Average Joes dressed in S&M enters the arena]
[slowly takes off glasses]
Cotton McKnight: ... Oh... my... sweet Jesus...
Pepper Brooks: [stares stupidly] ... that's rad.
Peter La Fleur: You're adopted! Your parents don't even love you!
[after sudden death is announced]
Cotton McKnight: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness the greatest happening in sport: sudden-death dodgeball.
Pepper Brooks: Pepper needs new shorts!
Cotton McKnight: Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!
Patches O'Houlihan: I love the smell of queef in the morning.
Patches O'Houlihan: Tomorrow, we're gonna pecker-slap those Globo Gym bastards!
Owen: [after Patches got smashed with sign] Well... it's probably the way he wanted to go...
[opening: Globo Gym commercial]
Globo Gym Announcer: Tired of the same old you? Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex? Tired of being overweight and under-attractive?
White Goodman: [finishing a ride on the skis] Yeah! Oh, hello. I'm White Goodman, Owner, Operator, and Founder of Globo Gym America Corp, and I'm here to tell you that you don't have to be stuck with what ya got.
[a buffed Globo Gym member is lifting weights]
White Goodman: Hey, Rory. Looking good. Here at Globo Gym, we understand that "Ugliness" and "Fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.
White Goodman: [climbing on the rocky wall; grunts] And that's where we come in.
White Goodman: Globo Gym employs a highly-trained, quasi-cultural staff of personal alterational specialists. And with our competitively-priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning into a Franken-fine!
White Goodman: [wheels out a bandaged-like-a-mummy person in a wheelchair] Of course you'll still be you in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you than you could ever become without us. How do I know? Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym. I'm also a client.
[a picture of a 600-pound White Goodman from 14 years ago]
White Goodman: That's me. Six years and 600 pounds ago... before I knew how much I hated myself. But that all changed once I founded Globo Gym. But don't just take my word for it. Listen to these Globo-Gymers tell you how it is.
Steve the Pirate: The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt. I'll make a barter with ya; true as the north star. In exchange for your kindness, I'll be sharing me buried treasure with ya... once I find it, that be.
Owen: [after Patches O'Houlihan has been killed] Look on the bright side, at least we've still got Peter!
Dwight: Yeah, but Globo Gym's got guys named Laser, and Blazer, and Tazer, and all kinds of "azer's"! Without Patches, we're going to get our taints handed to us, that's what!
Justin: [Whispers to Gordon] What's a taint?
Gordon: I don't know, but it sounds *bad*!
Kate Veatch: [outside Kate's house] White? What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?
White Goodman: It's called the Freedom of Information Act, Kate. The hippies finally got something right! Ha-ha! Just kidding. But not really.
Young Patches O'Houlihan: Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.
White Goodman: You happy? Fatty make a funny?
White Goodman: This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur: Not nearly as much as your hair does.
Peter La Fleur: Hey, White. I didn't think that Nazi camp got out until eight. Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
White Goodman: Yes, I did.
Peter La Fleur: Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.
Steve the Pirate: Steve's gotta go drain the sea-monster.
White Goodman: [a hyper-obese White watches the commercial for Average Joe's before turning off the TV in disgust] Spare me... I won that tournament... fuckin' Chuck Norris!
Peter La Fleur: Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?
Justin: Yeah. Why?
Peter La Fleur: Nothing. High school's changed a bit since I was a kid.
Fran: You are the one that stares at me. Why is this?
Owen: [even though Fran is a tough, scary, Slavic woman] Because you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Cotton McKnight: Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match!
Pepper Brooks: Unbelievable!
Cotton McKnight: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been to the Great Wall of China, I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt, I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here today!
White Goodman: Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky. In her home country of Romanovia, dodgeball is the national sport and her nuclear power plant's team won the championship five years running, which makes her the deadliest woman on earth with a dodgeball. Ball me, Blazer.
[Blazer passes him a dodgeball]
White Goodman: Show them, Fran.
[Fran takes the ball and hurls it at a man on the other side of the bar, knocking him into the jukebox. He drops to the floor, limp]
White Goodman: And that's just her change-up. End of demo. We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, and we will, we will, rock you!
Justin: [frightened whisper] I think that guy might really be dead.
Patches O'Houlihan: You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!
Fran: I am in extreme state of arousal. Please to make sex all over my face.
Patches O'Houlihan: [Giving advice from beyond the grave to Peter LaFleur at the climactic game] Listen up, crotch stain. Remember your training, and trust your instincts. You can do it! I believe in you! Bye-bye!
Dwight: I hope he falls off the roller coaster and breaks every bone in his body.
Kate Veatch: Nice Dwight.
Dwight: Hey I'm just sayin' it happens. My cousin Ray-Ray, boop, dead.
Kate Veatch: You fired me so I would date you?
White Goodman: Yuh-huh.
Kate Veatch: You are a crazy little man.
Pepper Brooks: [Average Joe's team comes out in S & M gear] I feel like I'm watching a Cher video.
White Goodman: So, that's the deal... I give you $100,000. You sign over the deed to your gym. Period. End o' story.
Peter La Fleur: You really think you can come in here and buy me out, White? You're a lot dumber than I thought.
White Goodman: Hmm. Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I thought I was once.
Young Patches O'Houlihan: This is Patches O'Houlihan saying "Take care of your balls, and they'll take care of you."
Gordon: Guy, not to sound negative, but we've only had one customer, and it's that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.
[the guys turn around to see Justin scrubbing a monster truck]
Weird Guy with Monster Truck: [while rubbing his belly] That's it, boy. Get in there all nice and deep-like.
Patches O'Houlihan: You're about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop.
Peter La Fleur: That feels good. Oh, that tickle machine
Peter La Fleur: [Peter's dog, Crash, jumps on him]
Peter La Fleur: Crash, no! Crash, out! Bad dog! No grundle.
White Goodman: [from the G.G. commercial] C'mon down and join the winning team, because here at Globo Gym...
White & The Globo Gym Team: [all together] We're better than you...
White Goodman: and we know it!
Peter La Fleur: [disgust] Spare me.
[a classic Dodgeball instructional film begins]
Uber Film Narrator: [U.A.I.F fanfare] Uber-American Instructional Films, teaching America's youth since 1938.
[Opening; A boy rides a scooter, while a girl jogs behind him. Now we see a young boy painting a fence]
Uber Film Narrator: Hey there, Timmy!
Timmy: [yells] Holy mackerel, Mister. You scared the jeepers out of me.
Uber Film Narrator: How would you like to take a break from that fine lead-based paint... and learn about Dodgeball?
Timmy: Boy, would I!
[the next scene take Timmy into a Opium Dem in China]
Timmy: Wow! Where am I, Mister?
Uber Film Narrator: You're in a Chinese Opium Dem, Timmy. This is where the sport of Dodgeball was invented in the 15th Century... by Opium-addictive Chinamen. But back then, the Chinamen threw severed heads at each other, instead of the A.D.A.A.-approved balls we use today.
Uber Film Narrator: That's the American Dodgeball Association of America. Dodgeball is played with six players on each team... and six rubber balls. The object of the game is to eliminate the opposing players. Once all the players on team are eliminated, the opposing team wins!
Timmy: Wow! I can't wait to get the fellas together and play!
White Goodman: In thirty days I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness. And I can only hope that you, and the mongrel race that comprise your membership, are inside it when I do.
Kate Veatch: [Peter sees her house for the first time] I like... unicorns.
White Goodman: [about Average Joe's] Oh, really, you like it over there with those freaks in Losertown?
Kate Veatch: Freaks? They're not freaks, they're people just like you and me.
White Goodman: People, haha, people just like you and me! That is what I love about you Kate! You've got a *personality*!
[the Average Joes are dressed in S&M leather]
Audience Member: Hey, asshole! You guys suck!
White Goodman: [the judges vote to let Average Joe's play] That is pure poppycock!
[while everyone is doing the shuttle run]
Patches O'Houlihan: Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!
White Goodman: Your "gym" is a skidmark on the underpants of society.
White Goodman: Oh, hello, Kate. I wasn't aware I was paying you to "socialize".
Kate Veatch: You're not. I'm off the clock.
White Goodman: Well, isn't that convenient for you? And the clock.
[White reaches out to kiss Kate]
White Goodman: To be continued...
[She twists his arm and slams his face into the wall]
Kate Veatch: You don't get to touch me, ever!
White Goodman: Here at Globo Gym we're better than you, and we know it.
Dwight: We could sell blood and semen.
[everyone gives him a strange look]
Dwight: What? Not mixed together.
Cotton McKnight: It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story, turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin.
Pepper Brooks: I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
White Goodman: Oh, Kate, I didn't realize you were here.
Kate Veatch: You asked me to come, White.
White Goodman: [reading a dictionary] Well, you caught me, I like to break a mental sweat too.
Cotton McKnight: Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra. A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup, World Series and World War II combined.
White Goodman: We ARE the Globo Gym Purple Cobras... and we will, we will, rock you!
[the whole team slaps their thighs, then rears up and hisses loudly]
Kate Veatch: I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.
Peter La Fleur: Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes?
Kate Veatch: Sexual harassment, mostly.
Owen: I'm gonna catch up with you guys later. I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink... in the bathroom.
Dwight: Whatever you do, wash your hands.
Cotton McKnight: We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.
Pepper Brooks: They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.
Peter La Fleur: Don't worry so much about this Amber situation. It'll all work itself out in the end.
Justin: Thanks, Pete.
Peter La Fleur: You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already.
German Coach: [shouting in German] You are all swine! You have brought shame to your houses! Losers!
Peter La Fleur: Well, if you can't raise fifty thousand dollars with an impromptu carwash, I guess it just wasn't in the cards.
Patches O'Houlihan: I've got some hookers in my room. What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.
Peter La Fleur: No, thanks I'll just stick with the scarf, but thank you.
Patches O'Houlihan: Suit yourself, queer.
[Patches turns and drives off]
Justin: How many teams are in this qualifier?
Gordon: Uh, two.
Justin: So all we have to do is beat this team and we're in the Vegas Open, right?
Owen: That seems pretty simple.
Dwight: Who's the other team?
Gordon: Uh, I have it right here, just a second... Troop 417.
Steve the Pirate: Christ! We're playin' Boy Scouts!
Peter La Fleur: Not quite!
[Troop 417 are tough-looking Girl Scouts; one spits on the ground]
Steve the Pirate: BOLLOCKS!
White Goodman: My gym is worth more than four million dollars, your gym isn't even worth four. My gym has stockholders, your gym doesn't even have cup holders.
Peter La Fleur: Why would I want cup holders.
Peter La Fleur: I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya, it feels phenomenal!
Justin: Well, it'll be worth my while when I make the cheerleading squad this time. Prove to Amber and everyone else that I'm not a loser.
Peter La Fleur: Wait, you want to make the cheerleading squad to prove to a girl that you are not a loser?
Justin: Yeah... Why?
Peter La Fleur: Nothing, just high school's changed a little since I was a kid.
Kate Veatch: Mr La Fleur, I can assure you this is a very serious situation.
Peter La Fleur: Yeah, no, this is extremely serious, Mrs, uh, Veach...
Kate Veatch: It's Ms. I'm going to need to review all of your financial statements and assess any tax liabilities there may be.
Peter La Fleur: Absolutely. I don't know how you say Ms for a Mr 'cause it's just Mr, but if there was a Ms Mr, I'm a Ms as well.
[closing credits; 1st ever Average Joe's commerical upon the takeover from Globo Gym]
Peter La Fleur: Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur, Owner and Operator of Average Joe's Gym. And I'm here to tell you, you're perfect just the way you are. But if you feel like losing a few pounds, gettin' healthier, and making some good friends in the process...
[hands a towel to a female member]
Peter La Fleur: ...then Joe's is the place for you. Don't forget that Youth Dodgeball classes are forming right now. So come on down and learn a great game the way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?
Average Joe's Kids: Right!
[throws the balls at Peter and the team]
Dodgeball Chancellor: Captains, shake hands. Let's have a clean match.
Peter La Fleur: [holds out his hand] Good luck, White.
White Goodman: [reaches to take it, then pulls a psych] Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur!
White Goodman: And they love you. Whoo, do they love you. You're their Fonzie, Pete. "Heeeeey." Right?
From trailer: Victory. Honor. Pride. All these mean nothing... if you don't have balls.
Justin: This place is too important to us! Gordon, where do you go when your wife changes the locks?
Gordon: Average Joe's.
Justin: Right! Dwight, Owen, what are you going to do if Average Joe's closes? You gonna work at the airport again?
Dwight: Say what? I ain't working at no airport!
Justin: No, 'cause you hated it! Steve! Where is it you go to do... whatever it is that you do?
Steve the Pirate: Garrr! Joe's be the only place for Steve!
Patches O'Houlihan: [about Gordon getting angry] Go you crazy son of a bitch GO!
Patches O'Houlihan: Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.
White Goodman: At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.
Voice on phone: This is Seth from Videorama. The following DVDs are now overdue: "Drunken Hussies 3", "Backdoor Patrol 5" and "Bona Lisa Smile". Thank you.
Peter La Fleur: There's someone out there for everybody.
Owen: You think?
Peter La Fleur: Absolutely. In some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".
White Goodman: Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four. I have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders.
White Goodman: You like the freaky stuff, huh? That's cool. I can be naughty, too. Real, freaky naughty.
White Goodman: I know you've been hiding some feelings for me.
Kate Veatch: Yeah. Nausea. If you don't leave in two seconds, you'll know how that feels.
White Goodman: [after credits scene, White Goodman is dancing to Kelis' Milkshake] My milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like its better than yours, damn right its better than yours, I could teach you but I have to charge
White Goodman: Fatty make it funny
[before the championship game]
Peter La Fleur: Okay guys, let's play smart. Wait for your two-on-ones, cover closely for your pickups. What's our team motto?
Owen: Aim low?
Peter La Fleur: That's right. All I'm asking is that you give it your best for Patches. I say we go out there, we let it all hang loose, try to have some fun. I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?
Peter La Fleur: Put 'em in.
Peter La Fleur: One, two, three...
White Goodman: Team? What team? Your best player thinks he's a pirate.
Peter La Fleur: First of all, he is way more of a pirate than you'll ever be!
Cotton McKnight: Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's doing a little more dancing than dodgeballing out there.
Pepper Brooks: They better chiggity-check themselves before they wreck themselves, Cotton.
Mr. Ralph: Unfortunately for Troop 417, during the ADAA-required random drug screening, one of your player's urine tested positive for 3 separate types of anabolic steroids & a low-grade... beaver tranquilizer. I'm afraid, by rule, your team must be disqualified.
Angry Troop #417 Girl: [throws her cap into Bernice's chest and storms off] God damn you Bernice! Ugghh!
Bernice - Crying Troop #417 Girl: [a very hairy & large girl with a very deep voice & slight mustache cries into her hands]