Ben Stiller: White Goodman
White Goodman : I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you.
White Goodman : We should mate.
Kate Veatch : What?
White Goodman : Date! We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.
[Kate retches, then forces it down]
White Goodman : Are you okay?
Kate Veatch : I'm fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
White Goodman : In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it... *in a book*.
White Goodman : Fuckin' Chuck Norris!
Peter La Fleur : Look, White, I know that we've had our differences in the past...
White Goodman : Differences? Is that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers?
Peter La Fleur : That was one night.
White Goodman : Or what about that strip-o-gram you sent me for the Globo Gym one year anniversary?
Peter La Fleur : The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.
White Goodman : It was also a man!
White Goodman : Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur : Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the tournament.
White Goodman : Yeah, you will take your chances.
Peter La Fleur : I know. I just said that.
White Goodman : I know you just said that.
Peter La Fleur : Okay, I'm not sure where you're going with this.
White Goodman : Well, I'm not sure where *you're* going with this.
Peter La Fleur : That's what I said.
White Goodman : That's what I'm saying to *you*.
Peter La Fleur : All right.
White Goodman : ...Touché.
Peter La Fleur : You need some help leaving White?
White Goodman : This doesn't concern you, Lafleur.
Peter La Fleur : Not nearly as much as your hair does, that's for sure, but uh, I believe she asked you to leave.
White Goodman : I get it, you caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils. Pity. I'll let you have your little moment, LaFleur, 'cause after this tournament, your gym, your life - and your gal - are gonna be mine. To be continued.
[Reaches up to caress her]
Kate Veatch : [Judo-grabs White Goodman and slams his face into the wall, leaving a streak of makeup] You don't get to touch me, ever!
Peter La Fleur : Okay, Romeo, let me help you up.
White Goodman : Get off of me, don't you touch me! It is over between us, Kate. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood - nobody!
White Goodman : Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade... Laser... Blazer...
Casino Worker : [a casino worker and a security guard wheels out a huge treasue chest] Here are your winnings, Mr. La Fleur. Congratuations.
Peter La Fleur : Right on time. I appreciate it. Thanks, guys.
White Goodman : [curious with anger] Winnings? What winnings? What winnings? What is that?
Peter La Fleur : Oh, gosh! I totally forgot to tell you, White. I took the $100,000 bribe you gave me last night and I put on us to win. We were going at fifty to one. Anyone? Top of your head. What's 50 times $100,000?
Owen : $50,000?
Kate Veatch : $5 million! Peter, are you kidding me?
Peter La Fleur : [opens the treasure chest, revealing stacks of cash] Surprise!
White Goodman : Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver. The gym is mine! So you can take your band of yellow-bellied losers and just crawl on outta here!
Peter La Fleur : You're right, White. I can't make you sell back my gym, so I'll just take your advice and invest in something. Say... the controlling stake of Globo Gym.
White Goodman : That's preposterous! I'd never allow it.
Kate Veatch : Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company, there's nothing you can do about it.
Peter La Fleur : So, I would control Globo Gym and... everything that Globo Gym owns. Which as of last night is Average Joe's Gym!
[Average Joe's Team cheering]
Peter La Fleur : I'm your new boss, White.
White Goodman : You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself!
Peter La Fleur : You're fired, pal.
White Goodman : This is it, La 'Loser.' You ready for the, whoo, hurricane?
Peter La Fleur : Just don't go cryin' to your mommy when I spank you in front of all these people, White.
White Goodman : You don't go cryin' to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face.
Peter La Fleur : Uh, White?
White Goodman : Yeah?
Peter La Fleur : You look awful fat in those pants.
White Goodman : There's no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.
White Goodman : Yeah, I hope you're all happy now. Good guy wins, Bad guy loses. Big freaking surprise. I love happy endings. You know, that's the problem with... the American cinema: Can't handle any complexity in it, you know? "Don't make me think, I just wanna be entertained." All right, fine. You want a little something, something for the ride home? Check these boots out for size.
White Goodman : You happy? Fatty make a funny?
White Goodman : I'm white. I'm white. W-H-I-T... E.
White Goodman : [a hyper-obese White watches the commercial for Average Joe's before turning off the TV in disgust] Spare me... I won that tournament... fuckin' Chuck Norris!
White Goodman : Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky. In her home country of Romanovia, dodgeball is the national sport and her nuclear power plant's team won the championship five years running, which makes her the deadliest woman on earth with a dodgeball. Ball me, Blazer.
[Blazer passes him a dodgeball]
White Goodman : Show them, Fran.
[Fran takes the ball and hurls it at a man on the other side of the bar, knocking him into the jukebox. He drops to the floor, limp]
White Goodman : And that's just her change-up. End of demo. We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, and we will, we will, rock you!
Justin : [frightened whisper] I think that guy might really be dead.
White Goodman : So, that's the deal... I give you $100,000. You sign over the deed to your gym. Period. End o' story.
Peter La Fleur : You really think you can come in here and buy me out, White? You're a lot dumber than I thought.
White Goodman : Hmm. Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I thought I was once.
[first lines: Globo Gym commercial]
Globo Gym Ad Narrator : Tired of the same old you? Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex? Tired of being overweight and under-attractive?
White Goodman : [finishing a ride on the skis] Yeah! Oh, hello. I'm White Goodman, Owner, Operator, and Founder of Globo Gym America Corp, and I'm here to tell you that you don't have to be stuck with what ya got.
[a buffed Globo Gym member is lifting weights]
White Goodman : Hey, Rory. Looking good. Here at Globo Gym, we understand that "Ugliness" and "Fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.
[climbing on the rocky wall; grunts]
White Goodman : And that's where we come in.
White Goodman : Globo Gym employs a highly-trained, quasi-cultural staff of personal alterational specialists. And with our competitively-priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning into a Franken-fine!
[wheels out a bandaged-like-a-mummy person in a wheelchair]
White Goodman : Of course you'll still be you in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you than you could ever become without us. How do I know? Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym. I'm also a client.
[a picture of a 600-pound White Goodman from 14 years ago]
White Goodman : That's me. Six years and 600 pounds ago... before I knew how much I hated myself. But that all changed once I founded Globo Gym. But don't just take my word for it. Listen to these Globo-Gymers tell you how it is.
Peter La Fleur : That feels good. Oh, that tickle machine
Peter La Fleur : [Peter's dog, Crash, jumps on him]
Peter La Fleur : Crash, no! Crash, out! Bad dog! No grundle.
White Goodman : [from the G.G. commercial] C'mon down and join the winning team, because here at Globo Gym...
White & The Globo Gym Team : [all together] We're better than you...
White Goodman : and we know it!
Peter La Fleur : [disgust] Spare me.
White Goodman : In thirty days I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness. And I can only hope that you, and the mongrel race that comprise your membership, are inside it when I do.
White Goodman : [about Average Joe's] Oh, really, you like it over there with those freaks in Losertown?
Kate Veatch : Freaks? They're not freaks, they're people just like you and me.
White Goodman : People, haha, people just like you and me! That is what I love about you Kate! You've got a *personality*!
White Goodman : [the judges vote to let Average Joe's play] That is pure poppycock!
White Goodman : Your "gym" is a skidmark on the underpants of society.
White Goodman : Here at Globo Gym we're better than you, and we know it.
White Goodman : We ARE the Globo Gym Purple Cobras... and we will, we will, rock you!
[the whole team slaps their thighs, then rears up and hisses loudly]
White Goodman : Nobody makes White Goodman bleed his own blood.
White Goodman : Prepare to be humiliated on cable television!
White Goodman : And they love you. Whoo, do they love you. You're their Fonzie, Pete. "Heeeeey." Right?
White Goodman : Suck failure, freaks.
White Goodman : You're going down like a sweet muffin!
White Goodman : At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.
White Goodman : Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four. I have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders.
White Goodman : Do you smell that fitness? I do.
White Goodman : You like the freaky stuff, huh? That's cool. I can be naughty, too. Real, freaky naughty.
Tournament Referee : [whistle blowing] No elimination, double fault! Double fault, you stepped over the line on the throw! Double fault!
White Goodman : What?
[comes over to Referee, Me'Shell snarls]
White Goodman : You gotta be out of your mind, that is the worst call I've ever seen! I mean I'm out here busting my butt, and you come in here with a bush-league call like that?
Me'Shell Jones : Come on!
White Goodman : That is total bullcrap!
Tournament Referee : ADAA Continuation 113-D, sir. Sudden Death!
[All the crowd cheering]
White Goodman : All right, bring it.