- Veronica Corningstone: For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
- Ron Burgundy: And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.
- Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
- [opens cologne cabinet]
- Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.
- Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
- Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.
- Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
- Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
- Brian Fantana: Yep.
- Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
- Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.
- [cheesy grin]
- Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.
- Brian Fantana: Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
- [snarls]
- Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
- Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
- Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
- Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...
- Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
- Brian Fantana: Damn it.
- Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
- Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
- Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
- Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
- Ron Burgundy: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
- Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
- Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
- Ed Harken: A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.
- Champ Kind: What in the hell's diversity?
- Ron Burgundy: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
- Ed Harken: Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try.
- [Ron bribes the announcer]
- Announcer: You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.
- Veronica Corningstone: Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.
- Ron Burgundy: And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.
- Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
- Ed Harken: Dammit. Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?
- Ed Harken: Sweetheart, you and I have had this discussion a million times. There's never been a woman anchor.
- Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Harken, this city needs its news. And you are going to deprive them of that because I have breasts? Exquisite breasts? Now, I am gonna go on, and if you want to try and stop me, bring it on. Because I am good at three things: Fighting, screwing, and reading the news. I've already done one of those today, so what's the other one gonna be? Huh?
- Ed Harken: [thinks about it] Screwing?
- Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
- Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
- Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
- Ron Burgundy: No. No.
- Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
- Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
- Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh.
- Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
- Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food. Oh, excuse me.
- Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people.
- News Station Employee: [disgusted] What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
- News Station Employee: [horrified] Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
- Brian Fantana: [tries to act casual and walk away] Whoa, what's that smell?
- Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
- Veronica Corningstone: Really.
- Ron Burgundy: People know me.
- Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
- Brick Tamland: I love... carpet.
- [pause]
- Brick Tamland: I love... desk.
- Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
- Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
- Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
- Brick Tamland: [Tries to sound convincing] I love lamp! I love lamp.
- [subtitled conversation between Ron's dog Baxter and an attacking bear]
- Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.
- Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.
- Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.
- Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.
- Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.
- Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.
- Ron Burgundy: [Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind making prank phone calls to Veronica Corningstone] This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.
- Brick Tamland: I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.
- Brick Tamland: [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
- Brian Fantana: Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.
- Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
- Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.
- Champ Kind: Champ Kind.
- Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.
- Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.
- Brick Tamland: Brian.
- Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.
- Brick Tamland: Veronica.
- Brick Tamland: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my stomach's itchy.
- Ron Burgundy: Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
- Brick Tamland: Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.
- Champ Kind: I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
- Wes Mantooth: Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!
- Ron Burgundy: Hey, let's leave the mothers out of this.
- Ron Burgundy: [answers the phone in a very distressed manner] Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin'? Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?
- Brian Fantana: Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes.
- Champ Kind: Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.
- Brick Tamland: Fantastic.
- Ron Burgundy: Well, is it a shortcut or not?
- Brick Tamland: Okay.
- Brian Fantana: Don't get me wrong, I *love* the ladies. I mean they rev my engine, but they do NOT belong in the newsroom!
- Champ Kind: It is anchor *man*, not anchor *lady*. And that is a scientific fact.
- Brick Tamland: [Absolutely furious] I don't know what we're yelling about!
- Brian Fantana: You're with us, Ron, what do you think?
- Ron Burgundy: [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes! And her hair smells like cinnamon!
- Brick Tamland: [shouts] *LOUD* *NOISES*!
- Garth Holliday: You were my hero Ron! Why'd you have to say that? You come out with stink like that.
- [starts to cry]
- Garth Holliday: Poop. You poopmouth, with poop out of your mouth!
- Ron Burgundy: Garth, if I would give you some money out of my wallet, would that ease the pain?
- Ron Burgundy: [Ron is shirtless in his office and is doing arm curls with dumbbells] 1001... 1002... 1003...
- Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
- Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
- Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
- Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
- Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
- Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.
- Ron Burgundy: Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in love!
- [Brian shuts office door]
- Ron Burgundy: Did I say that loud?
- Brian Fantana: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.
- Brian Fantana: People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westphal and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.
- Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me.
- Ron Burgundy: What are you doing?
- Veronica Corningstone: I need this machine so I can watch a tape for a story.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm using the tape. I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape. We are watching history.
- Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional, and I would like to be able to do my job.
- Ron Burgundy: Big deal. I am very professional.
- Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman.
- Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.
- Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
- Veronica Corningstone: I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.
- Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker.
- Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry.
- Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?
- Veronica Corningstone: Well, you have bad hair.
- Ron Burgundy: [insulted] What did you say?
- Veronica Corningstone: I said... your hair... looks stupid.
- [an A-bomb mushroom cloud is reflected in Ron's eyes; the knock-down drag-out fight begins]
- Ed Harken: [on the phone] I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.
- Veronica Corningstone: ...and that can be very distracting. Okay, so when we get to the pet shop...
- Brick Tamland: [while coughing] Cough. Look over here.
- [spoken]
- Brick Tamland: Excuse me, Veronica?
- Veronica Corningstone: Yes? What is it, Brick?
- Brick Tamland: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
- Veronica Corningstone: Excuse me?
- Brick Tamland: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?
- Veronica Corningstone: Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
- Brick Tamland: That's it.
- Veronica Corningstone: Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
- Brick Tamland: No. Yes. He did.
- Veronica Corningstone: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
- Brick Tamland: Very well. Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?
- Ian: No, Brick.
- Brick Tamland: All right. Let's go.
- [runs off, there is a sound of crashing off screen]
- Brick Tamland: It's all right. I'm all right.
- Veronica Corningstone: Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.
- Ron Burgundy: [to Veronica after the news has just gone off the air] You've got a dirty whorish mouth.
- Ron Burgundy: [singing] Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.
- Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland: [singing] Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.
- Ron Burgundy: You guys have it, I think.
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
- Champ Kind: I don't know Ron, That sounds kinda crazy.
- Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
- Brick Tamland: Yeah you got mental problems, man.
- Brian Fantana: Yeah, he really does.
- Brick Tamland: Man.
- Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
- Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection.
- Ron Burgundy: Really?
- [looks down]
- Ron Burgundy: Yes, I do. Um... I'm sorry, it's... It's the pleats. It's actually an optical illusion, it's the pattern on the pant's that it's not flattering in the crotchal region. I'm actually taking them back right now, taking them back to the... The pants store. Well, this is awkward. I'm gonna walk this situation off and I will see you later.
- [walking away]
- Ron Burgundy: Nothing to look at! Get back to work everyone! Don't act like you're not impressed!
- Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.
- [Veronica turns and walks away]
- Ron Burgundy: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you.
- Brick Tamland: [When Veronica is replacing Ron after he fails to turn up. Confused] You're not Ron...
- [first title card]
- Title card: The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.