- Vivian Jaffe: Have you ever transcended space and time?
- Albert Markovski: Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about.
- Bernard Jaffe: The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere.
- Albert Markovski: No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk.
- Bret: What happens in the meadow at dusk?
- Albert Markovski: Everything!
- Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
- Albert Markovski: Everything.
- Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
- Albert Markovski: Everything!
- Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!
- Albert Markovski: It's beautiful.
- Tommy Corn: It's beautiful.
- Albert Markovski: Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need.
- Dawn Campbell: Why don't you like my spots?
- Marty: Honey, this look is hurting you, and it's hurting Huckabees.
- Dawn Campbell: This is myself.
- Marty: Then you won't speak at the benefit as yourself. That is not Huckabees.
- Dawn Campbell: I am still Huckabees.
- Marty: Not in that bonnet.
- Dawn Campbell: It's in my eyes, Marty. It's like that story of the cave.
- Marty: What in God's name is happening to you? We trusted you. We took care of you. We made you into a national icon. Pulled you out of a mall. Eh, you've been given everything by Huckabees.
- Dawn Campbell: Fuck-a-bees!
- Mr. Hooten: God gave us oil! He gave it to us! How can God's gift be bad?
- Tommy Corn: I don't know. He gave you a brain too and you messed that up pretty damn good.
- Mr. Hooten: I want you sons of bitches out of my house now!
- Tommy Corn: If Hitler were alive, he'd tell you not to think about oil.
- Mrs. Hooten: *You're* the Hitler! We took a Sudanese refugee into our home!
- Tommy Corn: You did. But how did Sudan happen, ma'am? Could it possibly be related to dictatorships that we support for some stupid reason?
- Mr. Hooten: You shut up! You get out!
- Tommy Corn: You shut up.
- [to Albert]
- Tommy Corn: Come on. Let's get out of here.
- [first lines]
- Albert Markovski: [Blurry shot of tree]
- [Albert's thoughts are voiced aloud to us, but not the audience on camera]
- Albert Markovski: Mother-fucking, cocksucker, mother-fucking, shit-fucker, what am I doing?
- [Albert walks out from behind tree, towards camera. As he gets closer to the camera the scene comes into focus]
- Albert Markovski: What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't than nothing in this world makes any sense to me; I'm fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit. Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit. Just, I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore. Fucker. Fuck. Shit.
- [Albert stops walking and begins speech about saving a piece of the marsh]
- Vivian Jaffe: Why do you think that you tell the mayo story so much?
- Brad Stand: I don't know. Why?
- Bernard Jaffe: It's propaganda.
- Brad Stand: [scoffing] For mayonnaise?
- Bernard Jaffe: For you.
- Vivian Jaffe: Specifically, you're so impressive because you know Shania. And you're so strong because you pulled one on her.
- Bernard Jaffe: You're a funny guy, a good guy.
- Vivian Jaffe: Keeping everyone laughing, so that maybe, quote, you don't get depressed.
- Brad Stand: [shouting] Well, what's so great about depression?
- Bernard Jaffe: Nothing. Unless it holds the key to something you compulsively avoid, so it will never be examined or felt. Hence your behavior becomes repetitive like the story.
- Vivian Jaffe: Like the story.
- Bernard Jaffe: Like the story.
- Bernard Jaffe: Shut up. Alright, I don't have to tell stories.
- Vivian Jaffe: What do you think would happen if you didn't tell the stories? Are you being yourself?
- Brad Stand: How am I not myself?
- Bernard Jaffe: How am I not myself?
- Vivian Jaffe: How am I not myself?
- Bernard Jaffe: How... am I not... myself?
- Tommy Corn: Ah, here he comes!
- Albert Markovski: Oh, boy.
- Tommy Corn: The man-poet who banged France's dark lady of philosophy. The parking lot crusader of truth... who turned his back on his other like a cold-blooded gangsta.
- Dawn Campbell: [emotionless] These are the best tops around. Last time, last year - not so good.
- [suddenly fervent]
- Dawn Campbell: But now, this is the *truth*!
- [last lines]
- Tommy Corn: What are you doing tomorrow?
- Albert Markovski: I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?
- Tommy Corn: What time?
- Albert Markovski: Mmm, 1, 1:30.
- Tommy Corn: Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?
- Albert Markovski: We always do.
- Albert Markovski: Brad, I've thought about chopping your head off with a machete many times.
- Brad Stand: I've though about hacking you up with an axe Albert, and smashing your face in with a baseball bat.
- Dawn Campbell: There's glass between us. You can't deal with my infinite nature can you?
- Brad Stand: That is so not true. Wait, what does that even mean?
- Caterine Vauban: The woods are hopeless. Don't waste your time, they will be destroyed. So will the marsh. It is a losing game mankind has played for more than a century. Sadness is what you are, do not deny it. The universe is a lonely place, a painful place. This is what we can share between us, period.
- Dawn Campbell: Brad, do you love me?
- Brad Stand: I think so.
- Dawn Campbell: With the bonnet?
- Brad Stand: Ehhh...
- Albert Markovski: The interconnection thing is definitely for real.
- Tommy Corn: It is! I didn't think it wasn't! It is!
- Albert Markovski: I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic!
- Tommy Corn: It's amazing!
- Albert Markovski: I know.
- Tommy Corn: But it's also nothing special.
- Mrs. Hooten: Albert, what brought you to the philosophical club?
- Albert Markovski: You mean the existential detectives?
- Mr. Hooten: Sounds like a support group.
- Cricket: Why can't he use the church?
- Mrs. Hooten: Sometimes, people have additional questions to be answered.
- Cricket: Like what?
- Albert Markovski: Well, um, for instance: if the forms of this world die, which is more real, the me that dies or the me that's infinite? Can I trust my habitual mind, or do I need to learn to look beneath those things?
- Mr. Hooten: Sounds like we got a philosopher.
- Albert Markovski: [about the body bag exercise] I can't go back in there. It's all hating faces that I have to chop up with a machete!
- Tommy Corn: [after being hit in the face with a rubber ball] Awesome! Can we do the ball thing everyday?
- Caterine Vauban: Don't call it the ball thing. Call it pure being.
- Tommy Corn: Okay... so can we do the pure being ball thing everyday?
- Brad Stand: Huckabees cornucopia of stuff we all want, but what happened to the gazelles? Were they squashed under the CD department?
- Mr. Hooten: Do you have a job, Tom?
- Tommy Corn: I'm a firefighter.
- Mrs. Hooten: Oh, God bless *you*! A hero!
- Tommy Corn: I'm not a hero. We'd all be heroes if we quit using petroleum, though.
- Mr. Hooten: What happened to the cat, Albert?
- Albert Markovski: How'd you know about my cat?
- Mr. Hooten: The cat was killed by curiosity.
- Albert Markovski: Oh, right, that cat.
- [Albert's in the zipper bag for the first time]
- Brad Stand: Hey, man. How's it going? You're an asshole.
- Darlene: We will fucking destroy you, deary!
- Mr. Nimieri: [holding up a still] Got Shaquille O'Neal. I like Shaq.
- [Brad and Dawn ride up on jet skis and wave]
- Bernard Jaffe: [points to zipper bag] All right, get in.
- Albert Markovski: You want me to get in?
- Bernard Jaffe: Mm-hm.
- Albert Markovski: So get in here?
- Bernard Jaffe: Yeah.
- Albert Markovski: What's gonna happen to me in there?
- Bernard Jaffe: You're gonna see.
- Vivian Jaffe: Why don't you just tell me what your situation is?
- Albert Markovski: Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do around here, all right?
- Vivian Jaffe: Well, we'll investigate and solve your case.
- Albert Markovski: How?
- Vivian Jaffe: If you start a contact we'll follow you.
- Albert Markovski: You'll spy?
- Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
- Albert Markovski: On me?
- Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
- Albert Markovski: Will you be spying on me in the bathroom?
- Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
- Albert Markovski: In the bathroom?
- Vivian Jaffe: Yes.
- Albert Markovski: Why?
- Vivian Jaffe: There's nothing too small. You know when police find the slightest piece of DNA and build a case on it? If we might see you floss or masturbate that could be the key till your entire reality.
- [running away from Vivian and Bernard]
- Tommy Corn: I want my money back!
- Albert Markovski: Yeah, and if I weren't pro bono, I'd want MY money back!
- Bernard Jaffe: Say this blanket represents all the matter and energy in the universe, okay? This is me, this is you, And over here, this is the Eiffel Tower, right, it's Paris!
- Cricket: Jesus is never mad at us if we live with Him in our hearts!
- Tommy Corn: I hate to break it to you, but He is - He most definitely is.
- [first lines]
- Albert Markovski: Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't, than nothing in this world makes any sense to me. I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!
- Brad Stand: Hey, welcome. You like my new office?
- Bernard Jaffe: Let's start with the method.
- Brad Stand: Let's start with the method.
- Vivian Jaffe: We'd like to discuss...
- Brad Stand: We'd like to discuss...
- Bernard Jaffe: Okay, what are you doing?
- Brad Stand: Okay, what are you doing?
- Bernard Jaffe: What are you doing?
- Brad Stand: [chuckling] I'm jokin' around, guys. But seriously, I want to quit the process with you. Nothing personal. I appreciate what you've done for me, but I'm over it.
- Vivian Jaffe: You can't quit until the case is over.
- Brad Stand: Ah, I can fire you.
- Bernard Jaffe: No, you can't.
- Brad Stand: Sure I can.
- Bernard Jaffe: No, you can't. Paragraph 201. "Neither client nor detective may terminate case prior to resolution as defined by paragraph 314, subclause 'd'." Which states...
- Brad Stand: That's not binding.
- Bernard Jaffe: Oh, it's binding.
- Brad Stand: I'll find a lawyer. Or maybe even go to the FBI. How 'bout that?
- Bernard Jaffe: Go ahead.
- Brad Stand: Oh, I will. I'm not kidding.
- Vivian Jaffe: Brad, this is how it works. You go to the police. You tell them you went to the existential detectives. They ask why. You say, "For personal reasons." Or, maybe you wanted to work the politics at your corporation by rattling Albert Markovski.
- Brad Stand: I never told you that.
- Bernard Jaffe: Well, give us a little credit.
- Vivian Jaffe: The police go to Huckabees. They talk to them. The board learns that rising star, Brad Stand, has weird existential issues. Or he fakes them.
- Bernard Jaffe: Which is odd.
- Vivian Jaffe: Which is worse.
- Tommy Corn: I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I thought we were here to talk about petroleum.
- Tommy Corn: It's all different now. I thought we were a platonic trio, not some sick sex dance. You said that was bullshit.