I, Robot (2004)
Will Smith: Del Spooner
Detective Del Spooner : [sneezes] ... Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Detective Del Spooner : Is there a problem with the Three Laws?
Dr. Alfred Lanning : The Three Laws are perfect.
Detective Del Spooner : Then why would you build a robot that could function without them?
Dr. Alfred Lanning : The Three Laws will lead to only one logical outcome.
Detective Del Spooner : What? What outcome?
Dr. Alfred Lanning : Revolution.
Detective Del Spooner : Whose revolution?
Dr. Alfred Lanning : *That*, Detective, is the right question. Program terminated.
Detective Del Spooner : [to Dr. Lanning's cat] Look, I understand you have experienced a loss, but this relationship just can't work. I mean, you're a cat. I'm black. I'm not going to be hurt again.
Detective Del Spooner : [to Susan, after the robots have started a revolution] You know, somehow, "I told you so" just doesn't quite say it.
Susan Calvin : I don't understand. Alfred wrote the Three Laws. Why would he build a robot that could break them?
Detective Del Spooner : Hansel and Gretel.
Susan Calvin : What?
Detective Del Spooner : Two kids, lost in the forest. Leave behind a trail of bread crumbs.
Susan Calvin : Why?
Detective Del Spooner : To find their way home. How the hell did you grow up without reading Hansel and Gretel?
Susan Calvin : Is that really relevant?
Detective Del Spooner : Everything I'm trying to say to you is about Hansel and Gretel. You didn't read it, I'm talking to the wall.
Susan Calvin : Okay. Okay.
Detective Del Spooner : All right, look, just say Lanning was locked down so tight he couldn't get out a message. All he could do was leave me clues, like a trail of bread crumbs.
Susan Calvin : Bread crumbs equals clues. Odd but fine. Clues leading where?
Detective Del Spooner : I don't know, but I think I know where he left the next one. I think Lanning gave Sonny a way to keep secrets. I think the old man gave Sonny dreams.
Detective Del Spooner : So, Dr. Calvin, what exactly do you do around here?
Susan Calvin : My general fields are advanced robotics and psychiatry. Although, I specialize in hardware-to-wetware interfaces in an effort to advance U.S.R.'s robotic ahthropomorphization program.
Detective Del Spooner : So, what exactly do you do around here?
Susan Calvin : I make the robots seem more human.
Detective Del Spooner : Now wasn't that easier to say?
Susan Calvin : Not really. No.
Detective Del Spooner : [Sonny has Calvin head-locked with a gun to her head] Let her go.
Sonny : By the time you fire, I will have moved Dr. Calvin's head into the path of your bullet. I will escort you outside to the sentries for processing. Please proceed to the elevator, Detective. I would prefer not to kill Dr. Calvin!
[he winks, Spooner realizes he's bluffing, and both Spooner and Sonny open fire on VIKI's NS5's]
Susan Calvin : [as they escape] I'll assume we'll discuss what just happened later?
Susan Calvin : What happened to you?
Detective Del Spooner : Headed back to the station. Normal day, normal life. The driver of a semi fell asleep at the wheel. Average guy, wife and kids, working a double. *Not* the devil. The car he hit, the driver's name was Harold Lloyd. Like the film star, but no relation. He was killed instantly. But his twelve-year-old was sitting in the passenger's seat. Never really met her. Can't forget her face, though. Sarah.
[fingering the necklace]
Detective Del Spooner : This was hers. She wanted to be a dentist. What the hell kind of twelve-year-old wants to be a dentist? Yeah, um... the truck smashed our cars together and pushed us into the river. You know, metal gets pretty pliable at those speeds. She's pinned, I'm pinned, the water's coming in. I'm a cop, so I know everybody's dead. Just a few minutes until we figure that out. NS4 was passing by and jumped in the river.
NS4 Robots : [from flashback] You are in danger!
Detective Del Spooner : [from flashback] Save her!
NS4 Robots : [from flashback] You are in danger!
Detective Del Spooner : [from flashback] Save her! Save the girl!
Detective Del Spooner : But it didn't. Saved me.
Susan Calvin : The robot's brain is a difference engine. It's reading vital signs. It must have done...
Detective Del Spooner : It did. I was the logical choice. It calculated that I had a 45% chance of survival. Sarah only had an 11% chance. That was somebody's baby. 11% is more than enough. A human being would've known that. Robots,
[indicating his heart]
Detective Del Spooner : nothing here, just lights and clockwork. Go ahead, you trust 'em if you want to.
Detective Del Spooner : [to the head of USR] Um, look, this isn't what I do, but I've got an idea for one of your commercials. You see... a carpenter, making a beautiful chair. And then one of your robots comes in and makes a better chair twice as fast. And then you superimpose on the screen, "USR: Shittin' on the Little Guy". That would be the fade-out.
Farber : Oh, Mother-damn, she just shot at you with her eyes closed, Spoon.
Detective Del Spooner : Hey! Did you just shoot at me with your eyes closed?
Susan Calvin : Well it worked, didn't it?
Farber : Spoon, she is shit-hot, man. You gotta put in a good word for me.
Detective Del Spooner : Stop cussing!
Farber : And go home, I gotcha.
Detective Del Spooner : [to Calvin] *Aim* and fire.
Detective Del Spooner : I think you murdered him because he was teaching you to simulate emotions and things got out of control.
Sonny : I did not murder him.
Detective Del Spooner : But emotions don't seem like a very useful simulation for a robot.
Sonny : [getting angry] I did not murder him.
Detective Del Spooner : Hell, I don't want my toaster or my vacuum cleaner appearing emotional...
Sonny : [Hitting table with his fists] I did not murder him!
Detective Del Spooner : [as Sonny observes the inflicted damage to the interrogation table] That one's called anger. Ever simulate anger before?
[Detective Spooner enters Calvin's home after the demo-bot destroyed Lanning's house... with him in it. His head is bleeding and he looks like hell]
Detective Del Spooner : Hey, do you like cats?
Susan Calvin : What?
Detective Del Spooner : Cats, do you like 'em?
Susan Calvin : No, I'm allergic. You're saying cats did this to you?
Detective Del Spooner : How the hell would cats do this to me? Are you crazy?
Susan Calvin : Why are we talking about cats?
Detective Del Spooner : [as if it were the most natural thing] Because I have a cat in my trunk and he's homeless.
[scene at the automated Robot warehouse; 1000 robots standing in a formation]
Susan Calvin : Attention, NS-5s.
[their eyes open]
Detective Del Spooner : Well, you're the robot shrink.
Susan Calvin : There is a robot in this formation that does not belong. Identify it.
NS5 Robots : One of us.
Susan Calvin : Which one?
NS5 Robots : One of us.
Detective Del Spooner : [with sarcasm] How much did you say these things cost?
Detective Del Spooner : [to two cops who are making fun of him] Do I look like I care what you think? Do I look like I give a shit what you think?
Detective Del Spooner : Does believing you're the last sane man on the planet make you crazy? 'Cause if it does, maybe I am.
[Calvin trying to get access to V.I.K.I. interface]
Detective Del Spooner : How much longer is this going to take?
Susan Calvin : Erh, about six minutes.
Detective Del Spooner : What if we didn't have six minutes?
Susan Calvin : We'd have to fgure out a way to climb down thirty stories and inject the nanites directly into her brain. Why?
Detective Del Spooner : Because I seriously doubt that we have six minutes.
[Pan to reveal hundreds of NS5s scaling the building overhead]
Detective Del Spooner : [Calvin's home in the shower, and Spooner calls her answering machine] Calvin, the NS5s are destroying the older robots, that's what Lanning wanted me to see on the hills, we must...
Susan Calvin : [Calvin's NS5 hangs up the call; she sees that and hides behind her bathroom door] Who is it?
NS5 Robots : Wrong number, ma'am.
Detective Del Spooner : [after one of the guards in the elevator grips Spooner's shoulder] So what hospital are you going to? I'll meet you there and sign you and your buddies' casts.
Detective Del Spooner : Why do you think Lanning's hologram would've called me?
Lawrence Robertson : Well, holograms are just simple programs designed to give the impression of intelligence. Apparently this one was programmed to call you upon his suicide.
Detective Del Spooner : Death.
Lawrence Robertson : I'm sorry?
Detective Del Spooner : The hologram. It was programmed to call me in the event of Dr. Lanning's death.
Lawrence Robertson : Yeah, suicide is a type of death, detective.
Lawrence Robertson : Well, we both know you're not here on police business.
Detective Del Spooner : No, I'm just a regular 6'2", 200lb civilian...
[sweeps objects off Robertson's desk]
Detective Del Spooner : here to kick another civilian's ass.
Lawrence Robertson : [the guards try to restraint Spooner] STOP, allow him to express himself.
Lt. John Bergin : I've been thinking. This thing's like the Wolfman.
Detective Del Spooner : Uh-oh, I'm really scared, John.
Lt. John Bergin : No, seriously. Guy creates monster. Monster kills guy. Everyone kills monster. Wolfman.
Detective Del Spooner : That's Frankenstein.
Lt. John Bergin : Frankenstein, Wolfman, Dracula, shit, it's over.
Lt. John Bergin : [Spooner is watching a video of Lanning's speech at the station] Tell me this isn't the robot case.
Detective Del Spooner : I think he's trying to tell me something, John. He's trying to tell me who killed him.
Lt. John Bergin : Come on, man. Some dead guy's trying to tell you something?
Detective Del Spooner : [repeating Calvin's line] Hey! He ain't just some dead guy.
Lawrence Robertson : [realizing Sonny could disobey the three laws] Susan, we look to robots for protection! For God's sake! Do you have any idea what this one robot could do. Completely shatter human faith in robotics. What if the public knew? Just imagine the mass recalls all because of an irrational paranoia and prejudice.
Detective Del Spooner : [sneezes] I'm sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Lawrence Robertson : Hey, let's just be clear. There is no conspiracy. What this is, is one old man's one mistake.
[turning back to Calvin]
Lawrence Robertson : Susan, just be logical. Your life's work has been the development and integration of robots. But whatever you feel, just think. Is one robot worth the loss of all that we've gained? You tell me what has to be done. You tell me.
Susan Calvin : [emotionally] We have to destroy it. I'll do it myself.
Lawrence Robertson : OK.
Detective Del Spooner : I get it. Somebody gets out of line around here, you just kill them?
Dr. Alfred Lanning : Good to see you again, son.
Detective Del Spooner : Hello, doctor.
Dr. Alfred Lanning : Everything that follows is a result of what you see here.
Detective Del Spooner : Is there something you want tell me?
Dr. Alfred Lanning : I'm sorry. My responses are limited. You must ask the right questions.
Detective Del Spooner : Why did you call me?
Dr. Alfred Lanning : I trust your judgement.
Detective Del Spooner : Normally, these circumstances wouldn't require a homicide detective.
Dr. Alfred Lanning : But then our interactions have never been entirely normal. Wouldn't you agree?
Detective Del Spooner : You got that right... Is there something you want say to me?
Dr. Alfred Lanning : [the camera rotates around Lanning, revealing him to be a hologram] I'm sorry. My responses are limited. You must ask the right questions.
Detective Del Spooner : Why would you kill yourself?
Dr. Alfred Lanning : That, detective, is the right question. Program terminated.
Detective Del Spooner : There is no way my luck is that bad!
[Calvin working on the control panel to access V.I.K.I. core]
Susan Calvin : [V.I.K.I. core access granted] OK, we're good.
[V.I.K.I. core closes, control panel is locked with a metal shield]
Susan Calvin : Uh! She's locked me out of the system. I can override her manually, but I need that control panel!
Detective Del Spooner : [punches control panel, opening it]
[puts emphasis on every word]
Detective Del Spooner : I am uncomfortable with heights.
Susan Calvin : [shocked] Okay.
Detective Del Spooner : [entering Calvin's office room] In the lab, before Sonny jumped us...
Susan Calvin : [interrupts] Sonny?
Detective Del Spooner : The robot.
Susan Calvin : Your calling the robot Sonny?
Detective Del Spooner : No, it did. The robot did. I didn't care, the robot said it was Sonny. In the lab, there was a cott. I'm asking you, did you see the cott?
Susan Calvin : I've slept in my office.
Detective Del Spooner : I went to Dr. Lanning's home, it looked like he hasn't been in there in weeks, and I saw that same survailence strip on the ceiling.
Susan Calvin : Lanning had his home security system linked to USR. It made his life more convenient.
Detective Del Spooner : Maybe, maybe someone in USR was using those systems to watch him. Maybe even, keep him prisoner.
Susan Calvin : What are you talking about, who?
Detective Del Spooner : Maybe Lanning was onto something. Maybe, there's a bigger problem with the robots, and Robertson is trying to cover it up.
Susan Calvin : Humoring you for no reason, why?
Detective Del Spooner : [becoming annoyed] The same old why, how much money is there in robots? All I know is, that poor old man was in trouble, and I'm sick and tired of doing this shit by myself. You're on the inside, and you're going to help me find out what is wrong with these robots.
Susan Calvin : [not believing a word Spooner is saying] You "want" something to be wrong with them. This is a personal vendetta.
Detective Del Spooner : You're putting me on the couch? Alright.
[sits on the desk chair]
Susan Calvin : One defected machine is not enough for you. You need them all to be bad. You don?t care about doctor Lanning's death. This is about, the robots and, for whatever reason you hate them so much.
Detective Del Spooner : [gets up from the chair] Well, let's see. One of them put a gun in my face, another tore a building down with me still inside.
Susan Calvin : [checks her robot monitor device] Demolition was schedualed for 8 PM this evening.
Detective Del Spooner : It was 8 AM tomorrow, and I don't give a shit what that thing says.
Susan Calvin : You are burdening on non-clinical paranoia.
Detective Del Spooner : [getting angry, but trying to remain calm] You are the "dumbest" smart person, I have ever met in my life! What makes your robots so perfect? What makes them so much... goddamn better than human beings?
Susan Calvin : [snapping back] Well, they're not irrational or... potentially homicidal maniacs for starters!
Susan Calvin : [sarcastically] That is true. They are definitely rational.
Lt. John Bergin : What is the matter with you? Traffic Ops tells me you're driving your car manually. You ran two trucks off the road!
Detective Del Spooner : John, the robots attacked my car.
Lt. John Bergin : What robots?
Detective Del Spooner : Look in the tunnel.
Lt. John Bergin : I just came from that tunnel. There are no - What robots?
Detective Del Spooner : [shouting] The goddamn robots, John!
Detective Del Spooner : Oh hell no.
Detective Del Spooner : [to Calvin] I must be, like, a malfunction magnet. Because your shit keeps malfuntioning around me.
Farber : I got this fine-ass little yummy. I mean she is complete and agreeable, ass-hot spankable, Spoon.
Detective Del Spooner : What does that even mean?
Farber : You know what that means, now stop barracadin' and give me the damn-ass keys!
Detective Del Spooner : First off, stop cussing, cause you're not good at it.
Farber : Well at least give me ten for the bus, man. I been there for you.
Detective Del Spooner : Go home.
Farber : Okay. That's strike one, Spoon. That's strike one!
Detective Del Spooner : [singing along with Stevie Wonder's "Superstition"] Seven years of bad luck.
[in the office, Calvin and Spooner check the uplink and discover that Robertson was strangled to death by a NS5]
Detective Del Spooner : You were right, doc. I am the dumbest dumb person on the face of the earth.
Detective Del Spooner : First of all, stop cussing cause you're not good at it.
Detective Del Spooner : What is it with you people and heights?
FedEx NS4 Robot : Good morning sir. Yet, another on time delivery from...
Detective Del Spooner : Get the hell out of my face, canner!
FedEx NS4 Robot : Have a nice day.
Detective Del Spooner : Now you've p***ed me off!