Eddie: [taking food orders from people in the shop] Okay... so that's three orders of "hell naw", two orders of "ask ya mama", and one order of "negro please".
All Female Yoga Group: [channeling and releasing anger] HE... AIN'T... SHIT!
Customer Muhammed: Terri... what you need is a real man. A Muslim man.
Gina: What Calvin NEEDS you to do is to get up off your fat ass an' cut some heads!
Eddie: Now how you gonna talk about size... when you one Reese's Pieces away from Jenny Craig y'self?
Eddie: The D.C. sniper is the "Jackie Robinson" of crime! He broke into the crazy White leagues!
Jimmy: So, you big time now, huh? you're the "Eminem" of the barber world now, huh?
Issac: Yeah. That's why they call me "Slim Fadey!"
Ricky: [to Issac] Man, you cut hair like a bitch! Cuttin' little "I"'s in the back of people's heads an' shit!
[Calvin is about to eat a biscuit]
Miss Emma: Say grace first!
Calvin: Oh, uh..."Jesus wept".
Miss Emma: Why?
Calvin: Why what?
Miss Emma: Why did Jesus weep?
Calvin: 'Cuz he was sad.
Miss Emma: *Why* was he sad?
Calvin: 'Cuz he was sad 'cuz they ain't let him eat his biscuit...
Customer Muhammed: [to Terri, trying to convert her to the Nation of Islam] All I want to know is... how can you, as a Black woman, bring yourself to worship a savior who looks like Kenny G?
Customer: Ay... Kenny G put out a bomb-ass Christmas album!
Calvin: [to his calm baby son] One day this shop's gonna be yours.
[his baby son starts to cry loudly]
[Jimmy comes in and tells Isaac to trim him up immediately and complains that he can't keep a schedule]
Calvin Palmer: Get 'im...
Isaac Rosenberg: SIT YO' ASS DOWN!
Kenard: [When Calvin tells him that he has to take down the pictures of swimsuit models that he had put up on the mirror in front of his chair] Come on Calvin, you know I can't cut without the butt.
Eddie: What kind of coffee is it?
Yuppie: It's not a coffee. It's a chai with soy.
Eddie: Okay, so it's herbal.
Calvin: A little nervous. I haven't felt like this since I met my wife's pops.
Calvin: My name is Calvin Palmer. I own Calvin's Barbershop over on 79th. Been there since 1958. And all I'd like to say is that all change isn't bad. Who can argue with progress? Better schools, cleaner streets... something we need on the South Side. And I want the best for my son just like my parents wanted the best for me. So some change on 79th is well-needed and well-deserved. Oh, yeah. Also, I'm happy that people outside our community are starting to find the value in our neighborhoods. But... if that means selling our soul just to make a quick buck, I ain't with that shit. It's not worth it. That's why I'm not sellin' out...
[looks at Lalowe Brown]
Calvin: ... like some people I know.
[to city council president]
Calvin: Sir, do you know why Jesus wept?
City Council President: No. No, I don't.
Calvin: Well, when Lazarus died, Martha and Mary, they cried over his body. When Jesus saw their pain, he couldn't help but cry, too. So that's why Jesus wept. That's how I feel when I look at people like Hank Tolliver and Gertrude Rose and Miss Emma bein' driven out... 'cause they don't fit the plan of the new developers. We gotta realize that people make this community, not $5 coffees and $20 mugs. It's the people. And once you lose the people, you lose the neighborhood. So if I had to say, I would deny Quality Land Development's proposal to tear up 79th because it just ain't worth it. Thank you.