Starsky & Hutch (2004)
Ben Stiller: David Starsky
Starsky : Do it.
Starsky : [in a deep Brooklyn-ish accent to prepare for a disguise] Hey, do me a favor, tip your hat forward. Just tilt it forward. C'mon.
Hutch : No, I like it where it is.
Starsky : No, seriously, come on, do it. Do it.
Hutch : Will you... will you stop with that. That voice makes you sound crazy.
Starsky : It does not make me sound crazy, it makes me sound like "Maury Finkle, founder of Finkle Fixtures, Biggest Lighting Fixture Chain in the Southland."
Hutch : Ohhhh, it's a little voice and a character. You got a whole back story. That's good.
Starsky : Yeah, little touches, ya know, little touches, little details. Ya wanna make the character full, real.
Starsky : In Bay City, when you cross the line, your nuts are mine.
Starsky : [Heather takes off her top and bottoms] So, did you uh... When did he... Did he... What... So Hutch do you got any more questions?
Hutch : Yeah, well, uh sure. We could... What's your sign?
Heather : Gemini.
Starsky : What uh... What do you weigh?
Heather : What does that have to do with anything?
Starsky : It has everything to do with anything and just answer the question please, ma'am.
Heather : Around 115 I guess, give or take. I wish I could be more helpful.
Hutch : Stop. Don't do that. You've been great. It's been terrific.
Heather : Anything else?
Starsky : I'm good.
Hutch : Yeah.
Starsky : Yeah.
Hutch : Thank you so much.
Huggy Bear : Hutch, you'll have the usual?
Hutch : You know it and make it a double.
Huggy Bear : Leon, get my a man a jack and tab. And double that.
Leon : You got it boss.
Starsky : Hey, I'll get a seltzer with a little lime if you got it.
Huggy Bear : I don't got it.
Starsky : Or not. That's cool. I'm good.
Hutch : You gotta be kidding me. No way!
Starsky : What?
Hutch : A floater. Nothing harder to solve than a floater. No prints, body's usually bloated, it's next to impossible. All right, I say we push it out and hope the current pushes it down to the next precinct.
[Hutch tries to push the body away with a stick]
Starsky : Whoa, what are you doing?
Hutch : Trust me, you're gonna thank me for this one.
Starsky : Hey, seriously stop it.
Hutch : The key is not to pop it. You gotta be very ginger.
Starsky : Hey!
[Starsky points a gun at Hutch]
Hutch : What are you doing?
Starsky : I said drop the stick.
Hutch : You're gonna point a gun at me? Okay, fine, have it your way. If it's so important knock yourself out. What are you gonna solve anyway?
Starsky : A murder. I'm gonna solve a murder.
Waitress : Hi, can I get you two a drink?
Starsky : You sure can sweetheart. Johnnie Red neat, ok, do it, Do It.
Waitress : Alright, and you?
Hutch : Do it, Bacardi and cola, do it, do it.
Waitress : Ok? I'll be right back.
Starsky : What are you doing?
Hutch : What?
Starsky : What was that? You just stole my voice.
Hutch : No, I didn't.
Starsky : Yes, you did. You got to come up with your own voice, ok, that's my thing.
Hutch : What am I supposed to do? I don't have a great cool little voice like you do.
Starsky : You come up with your own character. That's why you're the Texas oil tycoon guy...
Kevin : Tonight's second winner: Number 1-1-7.
Monix : Right on! Yeah!
Hutch : Yee-ha! Whoo! Yes! Thank you very much.
Starsky : Sit now. Do it.
Starsky : Do it!
Hutch : The big man has just hit the mother lode! Old Shakes McGinty did it! Yes! Unbelievable!
Starsky : [as Finkle] This is incredible.
Hutch : I'm a rich man, and I'm gonna kiss you!
Starsky : It was my mother she always used to say it was too much car for me to handle. I couldn't handle the V8.
Starsky : Stop shooting my car.
Starsky : Like you said, Feldman: Everybody deserves a second chance.
[Starsky fires at the front trunk of a Volkswagen]
Hutch : Whoa, what have we here? Does this look familiar? Some cocaine. Captain Doby, I suggest you take this to the lab and have it analyzed this time...
Starsky : [Reese grabs Hutch; puts a gun to Hutch's neck] Hutch!
Reese Feldman : Alright, freeze! Alright, everybody freeze! Put your hands where I can see them! Do it now!
Kevin : Put it down!
Captain Doby : You relax pal. Relax!
Kevin : Let's do it!
Reese Feldman : Put that gun down or I'm gonna kill your friend right here. Do it now!
Kevin : What the hell are we doing?
Reese Feldman : Do it now! Put it down!
Hutch : [waiting outside Huggy's club] What, you've never run an errand on the clock before?
Starsky : No, I happen to take care of my personal business after work. When the taxpayers aren't paying me to protect them.
Hutch : Give me a break. You've never stopped and bought yourself a cup of coffee?
Starsky : I bring a thermos.
Hutch : [after seeing the Grand Torino] Whoa! Your stock just went up in my book, my friend. Pop the hood, let me see what you got under...
Starsky : Hey! Hotshot! What do you think you're doing? This is a Ford Grand Torino. It's not some crappy camper slash apartment. There are rules.
Hutch : Okay, okay.
Starsky : You do not bang on the hood. You never under any circumstances drive. And you will certainly not put your coffee mug on the roof of the car. In fact, no coffee in the car whatsoever. Coffee goes on the ground, you get in the car, we go.
Hutch : What do you hear on the street these days, Huggy?
Huggy Bear : Dig this. A little bird tells me there's gonna be a big coke deal in Bay City. One for the Guinness books. So they say.
Starsky : Interesting. Who would this little bird be?
Huggy Bear : Look man. I lay it out for y'all to play it out.
Starsky : All right. What does that mean?
Hutch : Don't worry about it.
Big Earl : [Starsky tries to bribe Big Earl] I'll tell you what, I do like your blonde friend here. Let me see your belly button.
Hutch : No. Let's go.
[hangs up the phone]
Starsky : Hold on a second. The guy's obviously a freak. Just show him a little skin. Show him your stomach. Nobody's here.
Big Earl : Are we cool?
Starsky : Yes, we're cool.
Big Earl : [Hutch shows his stomach] Oh, eureka. God, that's nice. It's like a little bowl of oatmeal with a hole in it. I got one too. I just got a little more brown sugar on mine.
Starsky : [kid throws a knife and hits Starsky] Ow! Oh, mama! What is your problem?
Starsky : Seriously, do it. Do it. Do it.
Reese Feldman : Listen, jackass. You either give me a ticket, or get the hell off this stage, you dig that?
[Starsky point his gun to Reese]
Reese Feldman : Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
Starsky : Pop the trunk, Candyman.
Hutch : You heard him. Pop it!
Captain Doby : What the hell are you two doing?
Starsky : Pop IT!
Starsky : A little word of advice: next time you're watching a place, don't claim that you own it just because you're watching it, OK? I house sit for my sister all the time; it's not like I claim that I own her house, ya know what I mean?
Starsky : Wrong answer, Big Earl.
Bartender : Big Earl? I'm not Big Earl, I'm Jeff.
Hutch : Yeah, sure, no-one's who they say they are.
Bartender : Seriously. Think about it, I'm not even big.
Hutch : Yeah, he's got a point.
Starsky : Maybe it's one of those ironic names like Tiny over in vice. He's like eight feet tall and everyone calls him Tiny.
Hutch : Except this guy's kind of normal size, he'd have to be a lot smaller for a name like Big Earl to be ironic.
Starsky : You don't have to be a midget, how tall are you?
Bartender : I don't know, 5'9"?
Starsky : Well that is kind of?
Hutch : It's borderline, it's average.
Starsky : That's me in the leather jacket and tight jeans.
Starsky : Come on cap, don't drag Hutch into this. I shot the pony.
Hutch : [Reading Starsky's report on him] "cavorting with nefarious characters". "conduct unbecoming an officer".
Starsky : Come on. I wrote that thing two weeks ago, things are totally cool with us now.
Hutch : Did you go through my locker?
Starsky : No.
Hutch : You went through my locker.
Starsky : I mean, I may have looked through it while it was open but...
Hutch : If you've got a problem with someone you tell it to their face, you come to them as a man. You don't go behind their back, write a thesis and try to get transferred to another precinct.
David Starsky : [afteraccidentally shooting a horse] Hey there little fella. You okay?
[Starsky and Hutch are in the Captain's office]
Captain Doby : You've robbed 7 bookies over the past 6 months. You haven't filed a report, turned in any money; you haven't even arrested anybody.
Hutch : How can I arrest them? They'll know I'm a cop.
Starsky : Oh, I wouldn't worry. I don't think you're in any danger for being mistaken for a real cop.
Hutch : Oh really? Hey, why don't you do me a favor and go get yourself another perm and let the grown-ups talk.
Starsky : For your information, my hair is naturally curly.
Hutch : No it's not.
Starsky : Yes it is.
Hutch : That's a perm job all the way.
Starsky : TOUCH IT.
[Hutch touches Starsky's hair]
Captain Doby : Hey. Why are you touching him? Jesus. You know something? You two deserve each other. Make nice. You two are partners.
Starsky : I am not my MOTHER.
Starsky : [shouting] I said, "Freeze."
Hutch : [at 1:11:23] Are you crying?
Starsky : What's that?
Starsky : No. I'm not crying. You're crying.
Hutch : It's okay to cry. People cry.
Starsky : That's great, but I'm not crying. I'm not a cryer. I don't cry. You know, I work out. I have hobbies.
Hutch : Come here.
Starsky : What?
Hutch : Come here. I forgive you, all right?
Starsky : Okay.
Hutch : Okay, that's probably enought.
Starsky : That's enough.
Hutch : All right?
Starsky : Okay.
Hutch : Are we good?
Starsky : Yeah, we're good.
Hutch : Because we got some people that want us dead.
Hutch : They took a shot at you. They tried to blow up my house, almost killed little Willis. We gotta do... Now what?
Starsky : Nothing. I'm just excited. Let's get these scumbags!