- Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
- Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
- Andrew Largeman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
- Sam: [cuddles up to Andrew] Maybe.
- Andrew Largeman: Fuck, this hurts so much.
- Sam: I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.
- Sam: Hey, I recognize you.
- Andrew Largeman: Oh, did you go to Columbia High?
- Sam: No, not from high school, from TV. Didn't you play the retarded quarterback?
- Andrew Largeman: Yeah.
- Sam: Are you really retarded?
- Andrew Largeman: No.
- Sam: Ooh, great job man! I really thought you were retarded. I mean, you're better than that Corky kid and he's actually retarded. If there was a retarded Oscar you would win, hands down, kick his ass!
- Andrew Largeman: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!
- Sam: I'm not innocent.
- Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!
- Mark: Man... that's the most worked up I've ever seen you.
- Sam: He's protecting me.
- Andrew Largeman: So?
- Sam: He *likes* me!
- Andrew Largeman: Don't be cute.
- Sam: He's my knight in shining armor.
- Andrew Largeman: Don't talk about knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.
- Mark: I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!
- Andrew Largeman: Pun intended?
- Karl Benson: Hey man, I thought you killed yourself.
- Andrew Largeman: What?
- Karl Benson: I thought you killed yourself. That wasn't you?
- Andrew Largeman: No, no, tha-that wasn't me.
- Mark: So this is it...
- Andrew Largeman: So knock... knock and barter for Desert Storm trading cards.
- Mark: Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole.
- [Last lines]
- Sam: What are you doing?
- Andrew Largeman: Remember that idea I had, about working stuff out on my own, and then finding you once I worked stuff out?
- Sam: The ellipsis?
- Andrew Largeman: Yeah, the ellipsis, it's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. I'm not gonna do it, okay? Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you... I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?
- Sam: Yeah. Yes!
- Andrew Largeman: So what do we do? What do we do?
- Carol: Oh... guys? Don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.
- Andrew Largeman: You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for one reason or another. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, this is love... this is love.
- Andrew Largeman: Hey Albert
- Albert: Yeah?
- Andrew Largeman: Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.
- Albert: Thank you, and Hey, you too
- Sam: You don't realize, this is good, this doesn't happen often in your life. We can work this stuff out. I want to help you, you know? We need each other...
- Andrew Largeman: This isn't a conversation about this being over, it's, it's... I'm not, like, putting a period at the end of this, you know, I'm putting, like, an ellipsis on it, cause I'm- I'm- I'm worried that if I don't figure myself out, if I don't go like land on my own two feet, then I'm just gonna to mess this whole thing up, and this is too important. I gotta go... you changed my life in four days. This is the beginning of something really big. But right now, I gotta go.
- Dr. Cohen: Mister... Andrew Largeman?
- Andrew Largeman: Yes?
- Dr. Cohen: There's absolutely nothing wrong with you
- Andrew Largeman: Really?
- Dr. Cohen: Just kidding; how the hell would I know?
- Andrew Largeman: It's amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter inch piece of plastic.
- Sam: If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like.
- Andrew Largeman: All right, so what are we laughing at you about?
- Sam: I lied again... I have epilepsy.
- Andrew Largeman: Which part are we laughing about?
- Sam: had a seizure at the law office where I work, and they told me their insurance wouldn't cover me unless I wore preventative covering.
- Andrew Largeman: What's preventative covering?
- Sam: The helmet I was wearing... Oh come on, that's funny. That's really funny, I mean I'm the only person who wears a helmet to work who isn't putting out fires or racing for NASCAR. But what do you do, I can't quit... their insurance is amazing, what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.
- Sam: You're in it right now, aren't you?
- Andrew Largeman: What?
- Sam: My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it.
- Sam: What?
- Andrew Largeman: Uh, it's Titembay, right?
- Sam: Yeah, it weird huh? You're like so freaked out right now. You're like running for the door. It's okay, you can go. Don't feel bad. It's really...
- Andrew Largeman: [interrupts irritatingly] Stop doing that.
- Sam: What?
- Andrew Largeman: The whole thing you just did. I wanna be here. If I didn't I wouldn't be. Okay? Trust me, my family is way more fucked up than yours. Okay?
- Sam: Okay.
- Andrew Largeman: So... Titembay.
- Sam: Yeah, he's my brother.
- Andrew Largeman: Is he adopted?
- Sam: Kind of. My mom adopted him from Sally Struthers, like, years ago. You know, one of those "for the cost of a cup of coffee a day" sort of things. Where she's like, "how can you just sit there and not help the children?" And we couldn't. We couldn't just sit there and not help the children. So we started sending him pictures and letters and stuff for years, but then I got really into ice skating so we sort of forgot about him. Then one day we get this phone call and it's Titembay and he's at the dry cleaners around the corner. And he's like, "I'm at Rutgers, I live in the dorms, but I'm used to living with my tribe so I'd rather live with a family." He's been living with us ever since.
- Andrew Largeman: Wow.
- Sam: Yeah, I know. He's the most amazing guy. You gotta hear some of his stories. He struggled through so much because he wanted to learn. When I think of what he's accomplished I just feel lazy, you know? He's studying Criminal Justice at Rutgers and when he was a baby he was one of those kids with flies all over his face.
- Andrew Largeman: Wow.
- [chuckles]
- Andrew Largeman: I mean, it's... it's a crazy story.
- Sam: Yeah, I know. I mean that's a true story! I'm not that good.
- [laughs]
- Andrew Largeman: We're not playing Spin the Bottle; how old are we? More importantly, how old are they?
- Jesse: Oh, they're all legal. I think...
- Aunt Sylvia Largeman: I made you something. It's a shirt.
- Andrew Largeman: Thats... That's good, thank you.
- Aunt Sylvia Largeman: Will you try it on now?
- Andrew Largeman: Now?
- Aunt Sylvia Largeman: Well, in case I have to fix it before you leave again and we don't see you for another nine years. I wanna make sure it fits.
- Sam: OK, so... so... sometimes I lie. I mean, I'm weird, man. About random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn't even remotely true.
- Andrew Largeman: I was a little boy and somebody made a shitty latch. That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, OK? And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they have left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, OK? And for that... for that I'm here to forgive you. You've always said that all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe, what Mom wanted more then anything is for it to all be over, and for me, what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain.
- Gideon Largeman: Well, you're going against your doctor's recommendation, that a pretty weighty experiment to take on, don't you think?
- Andrew Largeman: This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.
- Sam: That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.
- Andrew Largeman: You changed my life. You changed my life, and I've known you four days. This is the start of something really big, but right now, I gotta go.
- Kenny: Put your hands on your head, please.
- Andrew Largeman: What?
- Kenny: I said to put your motherfucking hands on your head.
- [slams car door]
- Kenny: Please. Eighty in a twenty-five. What are you going to tell me, you were late or you're just tired?
- Andrew Largeman: I was?
- Kenny: Shut the fuck up!
- Andrew Largeman: Are you doing anything right now?
- Sam: Can you elaborate on doing anything?
- Andrew Largeman: I just know this guy Jesse who bought this mansion that's right up here and we wants me to come visit him, but I don't want to stay very long. So I was thinking if you came too I could just say I have to take you home when I'm ready to go.
- Sam: Wow. That's pretty damn random of you, Andrew. Nice to meet you. Can I use you?
- Andrew Largeman: No.
- Sam: Must be the Hollywood in you, I guess.
- Andrew Largeman: No, come on, it's not like that. It will be fun. I'll tell you what, we could have a signal. Like when you pull on your ear that's the code and then I'll be like, oh I gotta take her home. And then we'll go.
- Sam: Can we have code names, too?
- Andrew Largeman: If you want.
- Sam: [thinks] Okay. But don't try and kidnap me or anything because my step-uncle is a bounty hunter and he could have you tracked and killed.
- Andrew Largeman: [laughing] You're such a liar.
- Dr. Cohen: You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things when they're consumed by stress and anxiety. Uh, I found my ex-best friend's cufflinks in my wife's purse. I couldn't get an erection for a year and a half. For example.
- Andrew Largeman: Wow. Um, but I don't really think that's it...
- Andrew Largeman: I was the reason she was in a wheelchair. I pushed her. So there that is.
- Sam: Shut up.
- Mark: Fuck off.
- Andrew Largeman: No, that's the truth.
- Sam: Why?
- Andrew Largeman: It was a complete freak accident, you know? It's one of those things you replay a million times in your head and you see how clearly it was just a complete freak thing. My whole life she was depressed for no reason and, you know, one day... I was a little kid. I was nine years old and I just hated her for that. And I pushed her. And it was innocent! I was just completely frustrated because.
- Sam: [interrupts] Because you couldn't make her happy?
- Andrew Largeman: Yeah! Fuck yeah. And any other time, you know, any other day she would have just yelled at me and sent me to my room but this day. On this particular day the door of the dishwasher had fallen open. The latch was broken and it would just randomly fall open. That fucking latch. It's really amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter-inch piece of plastic.
- [pauses]
- Andrew Largeman: So anyway, she fell back over the door and hit her neck on the kitchen counter paralyzing her from the waist down.
- Sam: Wow.
- Andrew Largeman: Still want to compare fucked up families?
- Sam: This is the point in the conversation where you offer me a ride home.
- Andrew Largeman: It is?
- Sam: Yeah.
- Andrew Largeman: Would you like a ride home?
- Sam: ...Fine. But I'm not riding in that sidecar.
- Andrew Largeman: Why not?
- Sam: Sidecars are for bitches. Anyone who rides in one is automatically your bitch. Thus I will ride on the back.
- Andrew Largeman: So how do people know what's real?
- Sam: Well, I always feel bad afterwards and admit them when they're lies. Can you trust that?
- Andrew Largeman: Let's just talk about good stuff.
- Sam: Good stuff?
- Andrew Largeman: Yeah. Glass half full shit. What do you got?
- Sam: I got a little buzz. I got that.
- [laughs]
- Sam: What you got?
- Andrew Largeman: I got a little buzz going
- [pauses]
- Andrew Largeman: and I like you.
- [Sam, embarassed, giggles]
- Andrew Largeman: So there's that. I guess I have that.
- Sam: I can tap-dance. You wanna see me tap-dance?
- Andrew Largeman: I would love to see you tap-dance.
- Sam: This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing.
- Obnoxious Girl: I'll have a Ketel Cosmo, with Red Bull - and some bread ASAP.
- Andrew Largeman: ...We don't have bread.
- Obnoxious Girl: What do you mean you don't have bread, how can you not have bread?
- Andrew Largeman: ...we're a Vietnamese restaurant... we just don't have bread.
- Obnoxious Girl: Well, you're not Vietnamese.
- Andrew Largeman: ...No, I'm not.
- Obnoxious Girl: Can I have something to chew on! Fuck, bamboo! Whatever!
- Andrew Largeman: I'll see what I can find.
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