School of Rock (2003)
Dewey Finn: Now, what makes you mad more than anything in the world?
[sees Billy who has his hand raised]
Dewey Finn: Billy?
Dewey Finn: Billy, we've already told me off. Let's move on.
Billy: You're tacky and I hate you!
Dewey Finn: Okay, you see me after class!
Dewey Finn: I have been touched by your kids... and I'm pretty sure that I've touched them.
[the previously calm classroom erupts into chaos]
Dewey Finn: [on sticking it to "The Man"] Yes! But, you can't just say it, man. You've gotta feel it in your blood and guts! If you wanna rock, you gotta break the rules. You gotta get mad at the man! And right now, I'm the man. That's right, I'm the man, and who's got the guts to tell me off? Huh? Who's gonna tell me off?
Freddy: Shut the hell up, Schneebly!
Dewey Finn: That's it Freddy, that's it! Who can top him?
Alicia: Get outta here, stupidass.
Dewey Finn: Yes, Alicia!
Summer Hathaway: You're a joke, you're the worst teacher I've ever had!
Dewey Finn: Summer, that is great! I like the delivery because I felt your anger!
Summer Hathaway: Thank you.
Lawrence: You're a fat loser and you have body odor.
Dewey Finn: ...All right, all right! Now, is everybody nice and pissed off?
Dewey Finn: You've heard of Aretha Franklin, right?
Tomika: [Tomika nods]
Dewey Finn: She's a big lady. But when she sings, she blows people's minds. Everyone wants to party with Aretha! And, you know who else has a weight issue?
Dewey Finn: Me. But when I get up there and start doing my thing, people worship me! Because I'm sexy, and chubby, man.
Tomika: Why aren't you on a diet?
Dewey Finn: Because I like to eat. Is that such a crime?
Dewey Finn: God of Rock, thank you for this chance to kick ass. We are your humble servants. Please give us the power to blow people's minds with our high voltage rock. In your name we pray, Amen.
Dewey Finn: I pledge allegiance... to the band... of Mr. Schneebly... and will not fight him... for creative control... and will defer to him on all issues related to the musical direction of the band.
Dewey Finn: [talking to other teachers at lunch] Oh, I was this close to getting the Polish Philharmonic and I nailed the audish, but I didn't get it. Guess who did? Yo-Yo Ma's cousin. Little nepotis! Anyway, I just decided to give up and become a teacher, because those that can't do, teach, and those that can't teach, teach gym.
Billy: You're gonna talk to me about style? You can't even dress yourself... look at that bow tie.
Dewey Finn: Don't you be talkin' about my bow tie.
Freddy: Come on man, we're on a mission. One great rock show can change the world... look out the window...
Dewey Finn: [seeing bus and students] No way! That's so punk rock.
Dewey Finn: Katie, what was that thing you were playing today, the big thing?
Dewey Finn: Ok. This is a bass guitar. And it's the exact same thing but instead of playing it like this you tip it on the side... cello, you got a bass.
DeweyFinn: [to students about his rock project] It will test your head, and your mind, and your brain, too.
Battle of the Bands director: What do they all have?
Dewey Finn: It's a rare blood disease: "Stick-it-to-da-man-noisis".
Battle of the Bands director: What's that? I've never heard of it.
Dewey Finn: You're lucky. Because it's hell.
[improvising an educational song]
Dewey Finn: Math is a wonderful thing. Math is a really cool thing. So get off your ath, let's do some math. Math, math, math, math, math. Three minus four is?
Summer Hathaway: Negative one.
Dewey Finn: That's right. And six times a billion is?
Marco: Six billion?
Dewey Finn: Nailed it. And fifty-four is forty-five more than what is the answer, Marta?
Dewey Finn: No, it's eight.
Marta: ...No, it's nine.
Dewey Finn: ...Yes, I was testing you... it's nine. And that's a magic number.
Dewey Finn: [sung to the kids] In the end of time, there was a man who knew the road. And the writing was written on the stone. In the ancient time, an artist led the way, but no one seemed to understand. In his heart he knew, the artist must be true, but the legend of the rent was way past due! Well you think you'll be just fine without me, but you're mine! You think you can kick me out of the band? Well there's just one problem there. The band is mine! How can you kick me out of what is mine? Well you're not hardcore unless you live hardcore, but the legend of the rent was way hardcore!
Dewey Finn: 8:15 to 10, rock history. 10 to 11, rock appreciation in theory. And then band practice till the end of the day.
Frankie: What about math?
Dewey Finn: No, not important.
Dewey Finn: Give up, just quit, because in this life, you can't win. Yeah, you can try, but in the end you're just gonna lose, big time, because the world is run by the Man.
Dewey Finn: The Man. Oh, you don't know the Man? He's everywhere. In the White House, down the hall... Ms. Mullins, she's the Man. And the Man ruined the ozone, and he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! Okay? And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man, it was called rock 'n roll. But guess what? Oh no. The Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV! So don't waste your time trying to make anything cool, or pure, or awesome, 'cause the Man is just gonna call you a fat washed up loser and crush your soul. So do yourselves a favor and just GIVE UP!
Dewey Finn: I'm a teacher. All I need are minds for molding.
Summer Hathaway: Groupie?
Dewey Finn: What's the matter?
Summer Hathaway: You want me to be a groupie?
Dewey Finn: Well, a groupie's an important job.
Summer Hathaway: I researched groupies on the Internet. They're sluts! They sleep with the band!
Dewey Finn: No, that's not true. They're like cheerleaders.
Rosalie Mullins: [to the crowd of angry parents] I've just been informed that all of your children are missing.
Dewey Finn: [Assigning positions to the band members] Lead guitar... Zack Attack. On bass... Posh Spice. On keyboards, Mr. Cool. And on drums, Spazzy McGee. OK, Blondie, Brace Face, you're singing backup. All right, Tough Guy, Shortstop, Fancy Pants, get over here. You're on security detail.
Billy: Can I be the band stylist instead?
Dewey Finn: Of course you can, Fancy Pants. OK. Carrot Top, Roadrunner, Turkey Sub, we're gonna have a lot of equipment... And you three...
[looking at the three tiny girls]
Dewey Finn: groupies... As for me, I will be singing lead vocal and shredding guitar.
Dewey Finn: [raising his first three fingers] Read between the lines!
Dewey Finn: Dude, I service society by rocking, OK? I'm out there on the front lines liberating people with my music!
Mrs. Lemmons: Would you care to join us, Mr. Schneebly?
Dewey Finn: Yeah.
Mrs. Lemmons: Did I say that correctly? "Schneebly"?
Dewey Finn: Actually, it's "Schnayblay".
Dewey Finn: [singing their song in the Battle of the Bands] May I have the attention of the class: Today's ASSignment...
Miss Mullins: [about the teachers] They hate me.
Dewey Finn: No they don't.
Miss Mullins: Yes they do, I can see. I wasn't always like this, you know, I wasn't always wound this tight. There was a time where I was fun. I was funny! I was. But you can't be funny and be the principle of a prep school! No, you cannot. Because when it comes to their kids, these parents have no sense of humor. No. And if something goes wrong its my head in the smasher. And these parents will come down on me like a nucular bomb! I can't make a mistake! I gotta be perfect! And that pressure has turned me into something that I never wanted to be!
Miss Mullins: [silently mouthing the words] A bitch!
Dewey Finn: No you're not.
Miss Mullins: Yes I am. I am a big one!
Freddy: Rock isn't about getting an A. Sex Pistols never won anything.
Dewey Finn: Okay, whose got food in here?
[no one raises a hand]
Dewey Finn: You're not gonna get in trouble, I'm hungry.
Freddy: I'm just saying, name two great chick drummers.
Katie: Sheila E.? Meg White from the White Stripes?
Freddy: [Freddy winces] She can't drum!
Katie: She's a better drummer than you! At least she has rhythm.
[Miss Mullins passes and realizes that Freddy has rolled up his sleeves and spiked his hair]
Miss Mullins: Freddy! Where are your sleeves? And what have you done to your hair?
Freddy: It's called punk.
Miss Mullins: Well, it's not school uniform.
[She pulls his left sleeve down, and he turns away with a rebellious expression. Frankie, Michelle, and Eleni have observed this]
Frankie: Miss Mullins, you're the Man.
Miss Mullins: Thank you, Frankie!
Dewey Finn: In the words of AC/DC: We roll tonight... to the guitar bite... and for those about to rock... I salute you.
Dewey Finn: Now raise your goblet of rock. It's a toast to those who rock!
Dewey Finn: OK, Ms DumBum ain't your teacher today, I am, and I have a headache and the runs. So I say, time for recess!
Dewey Finn: [alerted that Miss Mullins is approaching, Dewey starts writing on the chalkboard] ... And therefore, E=MC2. Oh, Miss Mullins, come in.
Miss Mullins: I'm sorry to interupt but Miss Lemmons said she heard music coming from the classroom.
Dewey Finn: Music? Uh, music. I haven't heard any music. Uh oh, you know what, Miss Lemmons must be on crack, right, kids?
Miss Mullins: Uh, well, what's that?
[Points at guitar]
Dewey Finn: Oh, that. Yeah. We were singing. We were singing and learning. We were learning in sing-song.
Patty Di Marco: That is so typical, Ned! When are you going to stop being a pushover? When are you finally going to start sticking up for yoursel...
[Ned slams the door in Patty's face]
Freddy: Um, are we going to be goofing off like this every day?
Dewey Finn: Uh, we're not goofing off. We're creating musical fusion.
Freddy: Well, um, are we going to be creating musical fusion every day?
Dewey Finn: Yeah, get used to it.
[Freddy grins as he leaves]
Dewey Finn: Look, the first thing you do when you start a band is talk about your influences. That's how you figure out what kind of band you want to be. So who do you like? Blondie?
Marta: Christina Aguilera.
Dewey Finn: Who? No. Come on. What? You, Shortstop.
Leonard: Puff Daddy.
Dewey Finn: Wrong. Billy?
Billy: Liza Minnelli?
Dewey Finn: And we're gonna start a revolution, okay? And you're gonna be a funny little footnote on my epic ass!
Dewey Finn: [singing] No you're not hardcore! Unless you live hardcore! And the legend of the rent was way hardcore!
Lawrence: [telling off Dewey as Mr. S] You're a fat loser and you have body odor!
[the crowd is chanting: School of Rock! School of Rock!]
Marta: What is that?
Dewey Finn: [Awed] It's an encore. They want us to go play another song! It's good! Go, you guys!
[the kids all shriek and run for the stage]
Dewey Finn: Wait, no, no, just the band! Okay. Everybody, go!
Dewey Finn: Ok, here's the deal. I have a hangover. Who knows what that means?
Frankie: Doesn't that mean you're drunk?
Dewey Finn: No. It means I was drunk yesterday.
Freddy: It means you're an alcoholic.
Dewey Finn: Wrong.
Freddy: You wouldn't come to work with a hangover unless you were an alcoholic. Dude, you got a disease!
Dewey Finn: Hmmm... hmmm... What's your name?
Freddy: Freddy Jones.
Dewey Finn: Ok, Freddy Jones, shut up!
Dewey Finn: Ms. Mullins, would like to get a cup of coffee with me?
Rosalie Mullins: You'd like me to get a coffee with you?
Dewey Finn: Yeah, I would.
[Cuts to a waiter holding beers]
Rosalie Mullins: Are you sure you don't sell coffee here?
Waiter: [In squeaky accent] Uh-huh, I'm quite sure.
Dewey Finn: [when Ned asks him to sell one of his guitars] Would you tell Picasso to sell one of his guitars?
Patty Di Marco: Oh, my God! He's an *idiot*!
Dewey Finn: [after the kids have chosen non-rock "influences"] Come on, this project is called "Rock Band"! I'm talking about bands that *rock*. Led Zeppelin!
[silence from the entire class]
Dewey Finn: Don't tell me you guys have never gotten the Led out. Jimmy Page? Robert Plant? Ring any bells? What about Sabbath?
Dewey Finn: AC/DC? Mötorhead?
Dewey Finn: Ugh, what do they teach in this place?
Dewey Finn: [singing] Come on come on come on/Touch me babe, bada bada, can't you see/ that I am not afraid, shaga tada!/ Lawrence is good at piano/He shall be rocking in my show, shaga tada!
Michelle: Mr. S? We came up with some names for the band.
Dewey Finn: All right, hit me.
Eleni: The Bumblebees?
Dewey Finn: No, it's too sissy.
Eleni: The Koala Bears?
Dewey Finn: No, what are you talking about? It's too sissy.
[Dewey sees Miss Mullins]
Dewey Finn: Hey, Miss Mullins.
Michelle: How about, Pig Rectum?
Rosalie Mullins: Michelle!
Dewey Finn: It's a science project.
Rosalie Mullins: The thing is, Mr. Schneebly...
Dewey Finn: Please... call me Dewey.
Rosalie Mullins: [confused] Dewey?
Dewey Finn: [Realising his mistake] Ned. Ned. I was thinking of my other name. My middle name.
[Dewey plays the song in the jukebox]
Rosalie Mullins: I LOVE THIS SONG!
Dewey Finn: Really?
Rosalie Mullins: Yes! Stevie Nicks!
Dewey Finn: Yeah... Stevie!
Rosalie Mullins: You know, she came to town and she did a concert and she was just so... wild! Oh my gosh! Oh!
Dewey Finn: Yeah, she put on the best show I've ever seen. And she is so much better live than she is on the album!
Rosalie Mullins: Yes, oh my gosh! No comparison!
Dewey Finn: You know, I'd like to take the kids to a concert.
Rosalie Mullins: Concert?
Dewey Finn: There is one at the end of the month... but you have a policy about field trips.
Rosalie Mullins: Would it be... educational?
Dewey Finn: Would it be educational? It would be VERY educational. They play Beethoven and Mozart and stuff.
Rosalie Mullins: Maybe we can make an exception!
Dewey Finn: YES!
Rosalie Mullins: Well I went today, maybe I will go again... TOMORROW!
Lawrence: [to Freddy] You're an idiot.
Freddy: Shut up!
Lawrence: You shut up!
Freddy: You wanna go?
Tomika: You touch him, I'll shove those sticks down your throat.
Female Security Guard: Sorry. To get in, you've got to be in a band or have a pass.
Miss Mullins: I am principal of the school's band.
Female Security Guard: Oh, right on.
[during a jam session that takes place over the film's closing credits, Zack performs a "face melter" on his electric guitar. Dewey appears next to him with his face contorted]
Dewey Finn: Dude, is my face okay? I think you melted it off.
Dewey Finn: Uh, how long is the job?
Miss Mullins: My guess is, as much as a few weeks, but we do need somebody to start immediately.
Dewey Finn: Mm-hm. So how much are we talking here?
Miss Mullins: We pay our substitutes $650 a week. Now, do you know when Mr. Schneebly will be back?
Dewey Finn: Hold on a sec. Oh, you know what? I think he's just coming in right now. NED! PHONE!
[Dewey plays with the phone cord for a few seconds, as though he is handing it over]
Dewey Finn: [impersonating Ned] Hello, this is Ned Schneebly.
Dewey Finn: You don't have to worry about me because I'm a hard-ass. And if a kid gets out of line, I got no problem smacking them in the head.
Dewey Finn: Listen! You can't leave. You haven't heard our band.
Battle of the Bands director: Sorry, the bill is full. We're already overbooked.
Dewey Finn: No, let us just play one song. We're all here, we're ready to go.
Battle of the Bands director: [looks at the kids] Who are they?
Dewey Finn: They're my band.
Battle of the Bands director: Kids? What is this, some kind of gimmick?
Dewey Finn: No, it's not a gimmick. I know, they're kids, but they're awesome. Just listen!
Battle of the Bands director: Look, thanks for comin' down, but you're really not what we're looking for.
Dewey Finn: [throws his chair across the floor] You listen to me! These kids have worked their little fingers to the bone just to play one song for you so you just sit down, shut up and listen!
Battle of the Bands director: Sheila, call security.
Dewey Finn: Summer, you're the class whatever. Go to the board
Summer Hathaway: Factotum.
Dewey Finn: Factoter.
Dewey Finn: Ah... Okay. Teach, teach, teach... All right, look, here's the deal. I've got a hangover. Who knows what that means?
Frankie: Doesn't that mean you're drunk?
Dewey Finn: No. It means I was drunk yesterday.
Freddy: It means you're an alcoholic.
Dewey Finn: Wrong.
Freddy: You wouldn't come to work hungover unless you were an alcoholic. Dude, you got a disease.
Dewey Finn: Hmm. Hmm. What's your name?
Freddy: Freddy Jones.
Dewey Finn: Hmm. Freddy Jones, SHUT UP!
[Freddy looks irritated as his classmates laugh]
Freddy: [quietly] Shut up.
Dewey Finn: Point is, y'all can just chill today. We'll start on this crap-ola tomorrow.
Dewey Finn: [teaching Lawrence a handshake] Slap it.
[they smack the palms of their hands together and then the back of their hands together]
Dewey Finn: Shoot it.
[they pretend like their hands are guns and shoot at each other]
Dewey Finn: Kaboot it.
[they pound their fists together]
Dewey Finn: All right, that's it. Stop, you guys, stop. Seriously, you guys. All right, take five. Take five. You wanna go? All right. That was a good class.
Zack Mooneyham: I'll see you, man.
Dewey Finn: Does anyone play drums?
Freddy: I play percussion.
Frankie: Yea, that's cause he couldn't play anything else!
Freddy: Shut up!
Dewey Finn: Who are you, babe? This is my apartment, babe.
Patty Di Marco: Oh oh, not if you don't pay your rent, it's not.
Dewey Finn: I'll have the rent by the end of the week, go tell the mayor.
Miss Mullins: [confronting Dewey after their 'Battle of the Bands' performance, aggressively hugs him and screams both her anger and adulation] That was INCREDIBLE! Oh my gosh, the light shows, the guitar solos and... What it REALLY you playing?
Dewey Finn: So are you not mad with me?
Miss Mullins: [venting her anger and adulation] MAD? I'm FURIOUS! I'm HORRIFIED! But your show and performance was so INCREDIBLE, SPECTACULAR and Sooooooooo AMAZING! I can't believe it
Dewey Finn: Oh man, I would love to take the kids to a concert.
Rosalie Mullins: Concert?
Dewey Finn: Yeah. There's one at the end of the month that would be perfect. The philharmonic. They do the classics. They do Beethoven, Mozart... Enya. That kind of stuff.
Dewey Finn: Give me a platform. Let's rock, let's rock, today. Now do it to me.
Lawrence: Let's rock, let's rock, today.
Dewey Finn: That's good. Slap it, shoot it, ka-boot it.
Alicia: [the class is sitting around and doing nothing in the classroom] So what do we do?
Alicia: [stroking a tuffed toy Owl] I say we get out of here and play the damned show!
Mrs. Lemmons: Hey guys, guess what? I've just been informed that your children have all gone missing so...
Rosalie Mullins: I must say, I find your methods of teaching very unusual.
Dewey Finn: Well, I did study with Dr Errol Von Sraussenburger... becken.
Rosalie Mullins: Who?
Dewey Finn: Oh, you don't know him? Oh, he's, like, one of the leading leaders in... unusual methods.
[the shy Lawrence approaches Dewey at lunch]
Lawrence: Mr. Schneebly?
Dewey Finn: Yeah? Hey, what's up?
Lawrence: I don't think I should be in the band.
Dewey Finn: Why not?
Lawrence: I'm not cool enough. People in bands are cool. I'm not cool.
Dewey Finn: Dude, you are cool. The way you play. Why do you say you're not cool?
Lawrence: Nobody ever talks to me.
Dewey Finn: Well, those days are over, buddy. You could be the ugliest sad sack on the planet, but if you're in a rocking band, you're the cat's pajamas. You're the bee's knees.
Lawrence: Bee's knees?
Dewey Finn: Yeah, the bee's knees. You'll be the most popular guy in school.
Lawrence: OK. I'll do it.
Dewey Finn: Now listen, this is a big commitment. Don't say yes if you're gonna flake out.
Lawrence: I won't.
Dewey Finn: Larry... welcome to my world.
[Dewey is dressed classy for the school presentation he has to give at Horace Green]
Ned Schneebly: What are you dressed up for?
Dewey Finn: I got a hot date.
Ned Schneebly: [rifling through mail] That's weird. I got a check from Horace Green Prep for $1,200. I've never worked there.
[Dewey looks worried as Ned picks up the phone and starts dialing]
Dewey Finn: What are you doing?
Ned Schneebly: Calling the school.
[other line picks up]
Ned Schneebly: Hello, this is Ned Schneebly...
[Dewey rushes over and hits the hook on the phone, disconnecting the call]
Ned Schneebly: [confused] Dewey? What's going on?
Dewey Finn: [quietly frustrated] I told them fifteen times MAKE IT OUT TO CASH!
Ned Schneebly: Dewey?
Dewey Finn: [turns back to Ned, embarrassed] I did something bad, Ned.
Ned Schneebly: [finally understanding] No... .
Dewey Finn: Yeah. They called for a sub. I said I was you, to make some money. But then I got there, and the kids, they rock, man. There's this kid Larry who's like
Dewey Finn: "I'm not cool," and but now he's like
Dewey Finn: There's this other girl who can sing like
[imitating Tomika's vocals]
Dewey Finn: . She thought she was too fat, so they were dying, and the principal got drunk. Now we're playing Battle of the Bands! It's the coolest thing! One day. Then I will come clean. I'll tell everyone it was my fault. You'll be fine.
Dewey Finn: One day!
Dewey Finn: [Patty opens the curtains. Dewey wakes up] What? What is it?
Ned Schneebly: Dewey, hey, it's the first of the month and uh, I would like you to share the rent now please.
Dewey Finn: Aw man, you don't have that. You wake me up for that? Come on!
Ned Schneebly: Sorry.
[Patty begs Ned to keep talking to Dewey]
Ned Schneebly: Dewey! I mean, you owe me a lot of money as it is.
Patty Di Marco: Yeah, try 2200 dollars.
Dewey Finn: Ok, you guys, the band is about to hit it big time. We're gonna win Battle of the Bands and we're gonna roll it in the benjamins, I will throw you like a dog with a bone. Goodnight!
Patty Di Marco: Oh, give it up! Your band has never made 2 cents!
Ned Schneebly: Patty, come on, I'm on this.
Patty Di Marco: Oh, you're on this? You're on this? He's walking all over you!
Dewey Finn: Mommy, could we please talk about this later?
Patty Di Marco: Uh, no, we can't talk about it later because Ned and I have to go to work. We have jobs. We contribute to society, alright? I'm an assistant to the mayor of this city, hello?
Dewey Finn: Ned, can you get her out of here please? Why? Why her?
Patty Di Marco: And Ned has the most important job there is.
Dewey Finn: Temping?
Ned Schneebly: [aggravated] Dewey, a substitute teacher is not a temp!
Dewey Finn: [sarcastically] He's a babysitter!
Ned Schneebly: Oh, you think it's so easy? I'd like to see you try. You would've last one day!
Dewey Finn: Dude, I serve the society by rocking, okay? I'm out there on the front lines elaborating people with my music. Rocking ain't like walking at a park, lady!
Patty Di Marco: This is useless, alright? You tell him that if he doesn't come up with the rent by the end of the week, he's out of here!
Ned Schneebly: Dewey, I'm not paying your share of the rent so, I don't know, maybe you should sell one of your guitars or something.
Dewey Finn: What? Would you tell Picasso to sell his guitars?
Patty Di Marco: Oh my god, he's an idiot!
Dewey Finn: Dude, I've been mooching off here for years and it's never been a problem until she showed up. Just dump her, man.
Ned Schneebly: Yeah, well, if you don't come up with some money, she's gonna dump me. She's fed up.
Dewey Finn: Oh, really? Because that would be a good thing. She's a nightmare!
Ned Schneebly: Come on! I may never have another girlfriend! Just come on! Come up with some money, please! Please!
Dewey Finn: Ok, for you. Not for her, but for you.
Ned Schneebly: [calmly] Thank you.