- Ron White: I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. Well, they called the police because we broke a chair on the way out the door, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" Well, he didn't arrest them, instead he made me do a field sobriety test, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
- [Takes breath]
- Ron White: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand.
- [pause]
- Ron White: Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public-KA.
- Jeff: Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.
- Ron White: If you knew Morse code, you'd already know that. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.
- [Confused, stupid look]
- Ron White: And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!
- Bill: My daughter's right in the middle, which is where you want them to be I think. She's friends with the popular kids, she's friends with the unpopular kids, which is cool, until they bring home one of their friends that you don't see eye to eye with. Like, the other day she brought home a friend who's into this goth stuff. Oh my God! Have you seen these little freaks? What happened! With the black nail polish, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black hair, and Liquid Paper-white face. I'm sorry, didn't we used to call that "Halloween"? She came to the door with my daughter, and I did this:
- [Bill cracks up laughing and points]
- Bill: But, I'm trying to be nice to her because she's my daughter's friend. My daughter says, "Daddy, this is my friend Lucy." I said, "Well, hey Lucy... fer! She looked at me like, "I will set you ablaze right now."
- Jeff: If you have a full set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side, you might be a redneck.
- Bill: I got a great family. I got a 16-year-old daughter who just got her driver's license. So drop to your knees and thank the good Lord above that you live here and not where we live. She is without a doubt the worst driver on the planet. She's got no depth perception at all. We come up to this intersection. There's a car stopped. I'm like, "He stopped. He stopped! He stopped!" She goes, "I can see that." I'm like, "Oh, my God, she's her mother!" The other day, my neighbor asked, "When did you put the CD boom box in your car?" I said, "What?" He goes, "I saw you and your daughter driving down the street, and I heard this -"
- [makes a thumping noise]
- Bill: I said, "That was me stomping on the imaginary brake on my side of the car.
- Ron White: Some states are trying to abolish the death penalty... my states puttin in an express lane.
- Jeff: Phoenix in July. Apparently, the people that book these things don't get the Weather Channel.
- [laughter]
- Jeff: But, uh... It's been one of those years like that for me. In February, I was doing a show in the northern part of Minnesota. It was so cold. Beautiful place, it was so cold. It was like fifteen below zero. And after the show, we were talking to some guys backstage, and they were trying to talk us into going ice fishing with them. It's fifteen degrees below zero! I said, "Guys, you know what, I really appreciate it." I said, "I don't really think I want to be that cold." And one of the guys goes "Oh, it's not that cold." He goes "We build a big bonfire out on the lake."
- [laughter]
- Jeff: [holding back laughter] And you call us stupid in the South?
- [his definition of redneck]
- Jeff: A glorious absence of sophistication. It can be full-time or part-time, but we're all guilty of it at some time or another. And if you're not guilty of it, then you have relatives who are.
- Ron White: I guess we'd been floating down that river for an hour before I realized everybody's just peeing on themselves. And I thought: "Hell, I'll just pee on myself." Everybody got mad at me. Course, I was in a canoe. Standing up too. Not everybody got mad. A couple people viewed it as a photo opportunity. And I know that cause I got their Christmas card last year. I don't remember it being that *cold* that afternoon.
- Bill: My litle girl is 16. She's at that age where she's in her room listening to her stereo, online with her friends, and boys are starting to call. Oh, my God. We had a kid call the house at 2 in the morning. I lost it. First off, I'm sound asleep in la-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like, "Who's got a phone in the mountains?" So when I realized it's my phone, I'm already ticked off. I went, "Hello!" And this little voice goes, "Is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull you will hang up this phone up right now!" And my wife goes, "Bill, you gotta be nice." I said, "No, ma'am, nice stops at midnight." She said, "What will you do when these little boys come over?" I said, "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm gonna pull the young man in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. I'm gonna whisper in his ear. I'm gonna say, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl there? That's my only little girl. She's my life. So if you have any thought about hugging or kissing, you remember these words: I got no problem going back to prison."
- [after re-telling the story of a Georgia man who had his nipple bitten off by a beaver]
- Jeff: It is so rare that I am at a loss for words, the only response I could come up with was, I said "I'll bet that is the first time in history the headline of the paper could include the words 'beaver' and 'nipple' and nobody would be offended by it."
- [finishing off "Here's Your Sign"]
- Bill: But the best one... The best one I've seen yet happened in Los Angeles, California. I got stuck behind a big rig that wedged his trailer up underneath an overpass and me and the trucker are waiting on the side of the road on the tow truck driver. Well, the highway patrolman pulls up and looks at the guy's rig and he looks at the trucker and I'm thinking, "Oh, Dear God, he can't say it," 'cause I'll start laughing. Sure enough, he goes, "You get your truck stuck?" And God bless this trucker, without missing a beat, he goes: "Nope. I was delivering that overpass and I ran out of gas. Here's your sign."
- Bill: [about trying to quit smoking] I tried everything. I tried the gum, I couldn't keep it lit... I tried the patches, they pulled the skin off my lips... Finally my wife goes "Why don't you try acupuncture?" and I go "Woah woah woah woah!" I go "is that where they screw those little needles into ya" she goes "Yeah" and I go "Why don't you try waking up? I'm not gonna let somebody screw little needles into me" she goes "Bill it's your last option". So we found this lady, her name was Dr. Chang. I had one question for Dr. Chang, anybody know what that question would have been?
- [Audience]
- Bill: Does it hurt.
- Bill: Does it hurt. She goes:
- [Chinese accent]
- Bill: "Oh no. It no huurt." From a door 3 feet away from me I hear a grown man go "OW OW!" And I go "What was that?" and she goes "Oh, he big baby!" I said "weil I'm a big baby!" So the next thing I know I'm lying on this bed in my underwear, she has screwed a needle into the top of my head, three in each earlobe, one in each pec, one in each of my shins and three between each of my toes. And I'm lying on that bed thinking "Dear God I could use a cigarette right now!" And I can hear her and her partner talking in Chinese, but I don't speak Chinese. And then they start laughing and I'm like "Oh my god! They're filming this!" So she comes in at the half-hour mark. I think she's gonna take the needles out... *No.* She puts a cotton ball on each of the ones in my legs, lights it on fire and *leaves the room!* Well now I'm freakin' out, man, because all I can see is smoke drifting up from between my legs, and I cannot inhale it, Okey-dokey? Finally at the hour mark she comes in, she takes the needles out and goes
- [Chinese accemt]
- Bill: You come back tomorrow for another treatment. I said "Well let's just book that right now! Hey after that I'll schedule a prostate exam, just be a big ol' day for me!" So I put my ball cap on, I'm gonna go home and take a shower 'cause I've sweated through this whole ordeal. I get home, I'm standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror and I took my cap off and I went "Ow ow!" *SHE LEFT THE NEEDLE IN MY HEAD!*
- Bill: [extended version] I swear to God. And I am freakin' out, man because I look like Cindy Lou Who with that little antenna that comes out of her head. And I don't know if there's like an Oriental way I've gotta pull it out and if I do it wrong my whole body's gonna go oh-gah-ooohruhruh... So I called her and I go "Dr. Chang you left the needle in my head!" and she goes
- [Chinese Accent]
- Bill: Oh don't be big baby, just pull it out!"
- Bill: If I ever find out who told my son this, I will kill them. Apparently, somebody told my son there's a wiener thief out there, and if he takes his hand off it, WSSH! They're gonna snatch it away!
- [laughter]
- [about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance]
- Jeff: I say "Yes, I would. 'Cause you've got a Ford Fiesta that's about to see more air time than a skateboard at the X-Games."
- Jeff: In defense of my in-laws, my in-laws are nuts. But I know why they're nuts. It's because a long time ago, they turned to each other and said "Hey, why don't we have children?"
- Jeff: Little kids buy cereal the same way grown men buy lingerie. They will buy stuff they care nothing about just to get the prize that's inside.
- [laughter and applause]
- Jeff: I always felt like you couldn't talk about rednecks unless you are one, and I are one.
- [laughter]
- Jeff: You know what? Growing up, I didn't know that's what I was. And now, looking back, it was oh so obvious.
- [laughter]
- Jeff: Ya'll, I'm not making this up. My entire childhood, the mailbox in front of our house had the letters "M-A-L-E" painted on the side of it.
- [laughter]
- Jeff: And by the time I was in the eleventh grade, I was like "that ain't right! That 'm' is supposed to be capitalized, isn't it?"
- [laughter]
- Jeff: That is a true story. When I was in the third grade, my uncle did that as a joke. And NOBODY got it.
- [about trying to quit smoking]
- Bill: Anybody who's ever tried to quit knows exactly what I'm talking about.
- [cheers and applause]
- Bill: It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. And people who have never smoked just don't get that. It's like, my wife goes "I don't understand why you just don't quit, Bill. Just put them down and quit." I go, "baby, I am trying. It is hard." And she goes, "I'm sorry, Bill. I don't understand why you just don't quit." And I go, "all right. Why don't you quit yelling?"
- [laughter]
- Bill: [smugly] 'Cause you can't.
- Larry The Cable Guy: Hey, Bill, tell 'em about the one you done did over there in whatcha callit
- Jeff: Yeah, Bill, tell them about the one you done did over in that deal there.
- Ron White: I got in last night, and some guys wanted to take me to a topless bar. I didn't want to go,
- [audience cracks up]
- Ron White: but I ended up going, cause you guys will back me up on this, you've seen one woman nekid... you wanna see the rest of them nekid! It can be an old biker chick, you know, they're gonna hang down to here. 'Wanna see me nekid?' Yeah, I do!
- [Waits a few seconds]
- Ron White: All right, roll 'em back up now! I've seen enough.
- [Ron does pantomime of rolling her breasts up like rolling a cigarette]
- Ron White: Things that make you go buhhhh!
- [Ron shudders]
- Jeff: If you think "Silence Of The Lambs" is what happens when Larry goes out to the barn, you might be a redneck.
- Bill: My son developed this really bad habit. He would come to my side of the bed and he'd get that close to my face. And just stare at me. You ever get that feeling when you know you're being watched? He's be like: "Dad... Dad... Da-" "What? What? What?" He starts crying. My wife goes, "You scared him!" I'm like, "Hell, he scared me! Jesus, put a bell round his neck!"
- Bill: I took my family on an RV trip last summer. I thought RV stood for "recreational vehicle." No. It stands for "ruins vacations." I had never driven one of these things. Dear God, It's 35 feet long, 8 feet wide, and got 2 mirrors that stick out 3 feet on each side. Good Lord, I was like a passenger trying to land a 747. I'm weaving all over the road. I'm getting flipped off by kids in car seats, all right? Don't know why they put a reverse on these dumb things. I never learned to back it up. If I pulled into a Quickie Mart too far past the pump to get gas there was no backing up. It was, go all the way around the block and try again. Thank God I wasn't the only one. Sometimes there would be 7 or 8 of us just circling that Quickie Mart just like a white trash road race.
- Jeff: If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
- Ron White: Yesterday I'm sitting in a bean bag chair, naked and eating Cheetos.
- [pauses while audience cracks up]
- Ron White: I was flipping through the television, and I saw Robert Tilton, he's a televanglist from Dallas, and he said this: He said, 'Are you lonely?'
- [Ron shrugs]
- Ron White: ...Yeah. He said, "Have you wasted half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?"
- [Ron takes drink of scotch]
- Ron White: This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos!"
- Ron White: [Ron dead stops, face frozen] *Yes, sir!* "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second.
- Larry The Cable Guy: You know what they got now? Edible undershorts? Whose idea was that? "What do you wanna do tonight, baby?" "Let me eat your undershorts." HEY BABY, PUT A COUPLE OF THOSE IN THE FRIDGE, I-MA MAKE ME A SAMMICH LATER!"
- Larry The Cable Guy: Is that a remote control fart machine? Wow...
- Jeff: This man has enough money to buy anything in this mall, and he gets the remote controlled fart.
- [starts to cry]
- Jeff: I'm so proud!
- Jeff: Men, if you have a wife, a girlfriend, or a daughter, you are being trained. And just cause they aren't doing it with a cattle prod does not mean it isn't working. I'll tell you when I first realized I was being trained. I've been married to a wonderful woman for seventeen years; it was about year five when I realized it. We were lying in bed reading, when she just says, "I'm hot." And I closed *my* book. Got out of bed. Went over to the wall, and turned the ceiling fan. I got about halfway back before, whoa!
- [bewildered expression on Jeff's face]
- Jeff: I wasn't hot! And I swear to god the next day she called her mother and was like, "Momma, it is working so well! I just had to say it, and he got up and turned the ceiling fan on for me!" And her mother was like, "Baby, I'm so proud of you! I'd put your daddy on the phone so you can tell him, but I just said I'm hungry about twenty minutes ago, and he went into town to get me something to eat!"
- Jeff: [during Jeff's "You Might Be a Redneck"] If you have ever ridden an electric floor buffer...
- Bill: [raising his hand, embarrassed] All right, wait, wait, WAIT! Tequila was involved, GET OFF ME!
- Jeff: [turning to Ron White] I wonder how many times his wife has said that!
- [high fives from Ron and Larry the Cable Guy]
- Ron White: So I flew in here to Phoenix from Flagstaff because my manager doesn't own a globe. He chartered one of those small private jets. I flew here on a plane this big, it was like a pack of gum with eight people in it.We were putzing along. We were going half the speed of *smell!* We got passed by a kite! There was a goose behind us and the pilot was yelling "Go around!" So about halfway through the trip, we start losing oil pressure in one of the engines, and the pilot says we have to turn around. It was a nine minute flight. Couldn't make it with that equipment. He came over the intercom and said "Hey, we're losing oil pressure in one of the engines," which I couldn't understand why he did, because he could have just turned around and said, "Hey, we're losing oil pressure." *"heard'ja"* Everyone else started freaking out, but I had been drinking since lunchtime, so I was like "Take it down! I don't care! Make sure y you hit something hard, 'cause I don't want to limp away from this!" The guy next to me is *losing his mind*. I guess he must have had something to "live for". He says, "Hey man, if one of the engines goes out, how far will the other one take us?" I look at him. "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty lucky, because that's where we're headed! I bet we beat the paramedics by a good half hour! We're haulin' ass!"
- Ron White: [On DeBeer's diamond slogans] The new slogan now is "Diamonds: Render her speechless." Why don't they just go ahead and say it? "Diamonds: That'll shut her up... for a minute."
- Bill: [while the guys are all getting individual spa treatments] Larry remember, when you have to go to the bathroom, get out of the tub!
- Larry The Cable Guy: [Farts] Too late!
- [Bill laughs]
- Jeff: If you ever wore a tube top to a funeral home, you might be...
- Bill: [Cracks up laughing] Oh my god! I can't believe you just said that!
- Jeff: Why, did that happen to you?
- Bill: No, I got a better one. If you ever crack open a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck.
- Jeff: Let me guess, one of your relatives.
- Bill: My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren't even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, "Psshhh!" And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, "What?"
- [cast and audience laugh. Jeff stands up with his cup and walks up to a "casket"]
- Jeff: Mama sure looks good, don't she?
- [Ron joins him]
- Ron White: That ain't Mama.
- [Larry joins them]
- Larry The Cable Guy: No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off.
- [Everyone laughs as Jeff, Ron, and Larry sit back down. Larry suddenly gets back up and walks back to the "casket"]
- Larry The Cable Guy: Forgot my beer.
- Soda Vendor: So, who's the actor in this group?
- Ron White: Oh, there are no actors. Believe me, this is an actor-free enviorment.
- Jeff: Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
- Jeff: The question you get asked most as a comedian is "where do you come up with material?" And I think the honest answer, at least for us, is the best stuff is not stuff you make up. It's true stuff.
- Jeff: In the Atlanta airport- I live in Atlanta; you know where you go through the metal detectors? In the Atlanta airport, they have now built a giant Plexiglass box that contains all of the things they will no longer allow in your carry-on luggage. And in that box, there is a *leaf blower*... and a Coleman latern.
- [laughter]
- Jeff: So if you are an international yardman that likes to work nights, you are SOL right now. A leaf blower! Who is hijacking an airplane with a leaf blower? "You turn this plane around, or I mess your hair up so bad, your mother will never recognize you!"
- [laughter]
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Top Gap
By what name was Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003) officially released in Canada in English?
Answer