It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002 TV Movie)
Rachel Bitterman: "Working for a dream." That's beautiful. You know, my employees work for salaries.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Muppet movies are always the best.
Kermit: You mean that?
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: FOR ME TO POOP ON!
[In a parody of 'Moulin Rouge.']
Robin: I'm the Green Fairy.
Kermit: But what are you doing in my drink?
Fozzie: The backstroke.
Daniel: I know that Bitterman changed the contract.
Kermit: Wha- how do you know THAT? Oh, wait a second, you don't run one of those Muppet Internet fan sites, do ya?
Rachel Bitterman: You are very fit for a plus sized pig.
Miss Piggy: And you will not look good with a plus sized lip.
Sam the Eagle: It seems the words on my mug are right: "It is hard to soar with Eagles when you work with Turkeys."
Kermit: [whispers] Psst, come close.
[Daniel leans foreward and Kermit shouts]
Kermit: I wish I had never been born!
Kermit: We're going to get you that money.
Rachel Bitterman: Yeah, when pigs fly.
[Miss Piggy suddeny comes flying by, dangling from the "five golden rings"]
Rachel Bitterman: For the record, I consider that flying pig to be a coincidence and not a sign from God!
Pepe the Prawn: I got good news! I got the fire permit, the health permit, the permit to open a topless nightclub, all the contracts...
The Great Gonzo: Wait a minute. The permit to open a topless nightclub?
Pepe the Prawn: Better safe than sorry, okay?
The Great Gonzo: Good point.
Pepe the Prawn: I've got some good news for everyone, unless you are an evil banker lady, then it sucks, okay.
Janice: [Kermit has just asked for a miracle, and heavenly music plays] Oh... sorry. Like, I was totally just tuning up my harp.
The Great Gonzo: [Gonzo into a walkie talkie] Gonzo to Scooter, Gonzo to Scooter. Bring home the bacon. Over.
Scooter: 10-4. Bacon down. Bacon down.
Rizzo the rat: [pulls on string trying to lift down Miss Piggy] Roger. Bacon down. Bacon down.
Miss Piggy: Will you hurry up? Don't make me miss my cue!
Scooter: The ham is jammed. Repeat the ham is jammed.
Statler: [Up in the balcony, Statler and Waldorf make fun of Pepe's bad jokes] Hey, the shrimp's floundering!
[Statler and Waldorf both laugh]
Pepe the Prawn: You shut-up okay?
Statler: He told us to clam up!
Waldorf: What's he want to do? Mussle us?
[Both laugh again]
Pepe the Prawn: Don't get me steamed okay!
Statler: Steamed shrimp!
Waldorf: Oh, pass the cocktail sauce!
Pepe the Prawn: That's it. I'm coming up there!
[Leaves the stage to go to the balcony]
Statler: Whoooaaa... I'm shaking!
Waldorf: You're always shaking.
[He laughs and Statler grumbles]
Joe Snow: If I lived to be 102, I would never forget the time the Muppets almost missed Christmas, it was a...
Muppet Director: Hey, hold it! Cut! What are you doing here?
Joe Snow: Why, I'm Joe Snow, your admirable, good natured narrator.
Muppet Director: Snowman narrator? There ain't nothin' in here that says anything about a snowman narrator. Get out of here, you Burl Ives wannabe.
Rizzo the rat: Gonzo, I sold my collection of rare cheese to buy you this crystal petri dish for your mold collection.
The Great Gonzo: Oh. Uh, gee, Rizzo. I sold my mold collection to buy you this diamond-tipped cheese slicer.
Rizzo the rat: Did you save the receipt?
The Great Gonzo: Hmmm. Let's see. Shiny nose, laughing and calling names... I got it! Meet the new star of our show: Frosty the Snow-Rat!
Kermit: Gee Gonzo, I thought you would have gone with Rizzo the Red-Nosed Rat-Deer.
The Great Gonzo: Well, sure, if you want to go for the obvious.
Daniel's 'Boss': Why do you care about Kermit's credit problems?
Daniel: Just keep watching. I promise you you'll want to help Kermit.
Daniel's 'Boss': Okay, I'll keep watching. You're just lucky Spongebob isn't on right now.
Daniel: I love Spongebob.
Daniel's 'Boss': Do I care?
Kermit: [as Miss Piggy is advertising over the phone] Piggy, what are you doing? You're not Jamaican.
Miss Piggy: Yeah, well I'm not psychic either.
Fozzie: Where's Ms. Bitterman's office? I gotta get this money up to her!
Security Guard: Let me think. If I was a bear, I'd store my honey in a tree somewhere...
Fozzie: No, not honey! Money! I gotta see Ms. Bitterman so I can give her her MO-NEY!
Security Guard: Oh, Ms. Bitterman's laundry. She's on the 17th floor. I'll call her to tell her you're coming.
Fozzie: Thank you!
Security Guard: Gesundheit.
[Cut to Ms. Bitterman's office. She answers the phone]
Rachel Bitterman: Hello?
Rachel Bitterman: No! That can't be! Stop him!
Rachel Bitterman: No, not stockings! STOP HIM! Oh, never mind.
Kermit: The park! It's back! I'm back! And I've got spit in my eye, but I don't care, because I'm back, thanks to you, Daniel!
Daniel: [to the "Boss"] H-hey! What did you do to my clothes? I look like some sort of ice cream man from "Hello, Dolly!"
Kermit: W-who are you? You look like some sort of ice cream man from 'Hello, Dolly!'
Miss Piggy: [after being interrupted in her big musical number] Will everybody stop singing different songs? I can't remember which one I'm supposed to sing!
Scooter: [runs on stage] Excuse me, pardon me, sorry. Santa Baby, from "bee-dooby doo."
Miss Piggy: Oh yeah. Right. Bee-dooby doo...
Daniel: I know. We'll alert the press. We'll start a media frenzy...
Kermit: It's no use. Bitterman owns the papers, she owns the television stations, and three-quarters of the internet.
Daniel: How can one person own so much?
Kermit: Corporate synergy. It's out of control.
[Kermit crosses his legs, exposing an NBC logo under his flipper]
Kermit: Well, he's acting a little strange, but gee, it's good to know Fozzie turned out basically okay.
Daniel: Yeah, if being a pickpocket is okay.
[looks down and realizes]
Kermit: He took my wallet! Unbelievable!
Daniel: And you don't even have pockets. Even more unbelievable.
Daniel: You take coffee from a bush?
Daniel's 'Boss': *Shrub*. When you write the rules of the universe you know where all the loopholes are. Hence I created a coffee *shrub*.
Daniel: [to Kermit, who sees Rizzo on Fear Factor] In a world where you never existed, everything's been altered. Without you, 90% of prime time television is reality shows.
Daniel's 'Boss': People don't need my intervention.
Daniel: If people don't need your intervention, how did the salvation army get all the money, and Kermit and his friends get to keep the theater, and Miss Bitterman nothing but her own greed?
Daniel's 'Boss': Danny-al, I work in mysterious ways.
The Great Gonzo: This is Luc Fromage. He works with Cirque Du Soilet.
Luc Fromage: Behold, I give you my theatrical masterpiece!
Kermit: "Cirque Du So Lame?" Luc, I don't think it would be nice to have the word "lame" in our show.
Luc Fromage: It is not "lame"! It's "lah-mehy"!
Lew Zealand: Yep, someone has had a little too much egg nog, kissing a pork on the chops like that.
Kermit: Ms. Bitterman, you can take the Muppet Theatre, but you'll never take the theatre in our hearts!
Rachel Bitterman: Well, that's good, because I don't want the theatre in your hearts; I want the theatre that exists in reality!
Kermit: [reading a sign in the park] "Thank you, Kermit, for all you have done for the lovers, the dreamers and you."
Kermit: Dreams. Bitterman's right. I ruined everyone's lives with my ridiculous dreams.
Kermit: Can we make enough money?
Dr. Honeydew: Yes... I mean, no... I mean, yes...
[Opens window where Beeker's hand is caught]
Dr. Honeydew: Beaker, do you have my wax pencil? Oh, never mind, here it is.
[Closes window on Beeker's hand again]
Dr. Honeydew: Yes, if we fill 1,900 seats...
Kermit: But that's impossible!
Dr. Honeydew: Or not pay anyone 'til New Year's.
Kermit: Oh, that's not so bad.
Dr. Honeydew: ...of next year.
Kermit: [on the phone with Kelly] Right, right. Listen, we are all big fans. I watch you every morning. And we were wondering if you'd come out and star in our Christmas show at the Muppet Theater.
Kermit: [on the phone with Molly] Well, good golly, Miss Molly. You are such a big star, it would be an honor to us if you would come out and be in our show.
Molly Shannon - Cameo Appearance: Let me remind you about the last time I worked with a frog. We fell madly in love. So, naturally I have a key made to his apartment. I break in and reorganize his closets while he's at work as a little favor. And how a I rewarded for going to all this trouble? The frog stops calling me. Remember that?
Kermit: [and the rejects begin] Hey there, Madonna, want a free Muppet t-shirt? Courteney, can you juggle? Thanks, Mr. Connery. I understand, Mr. Schwarzenegger. Hello, Mister Rogers? Hello, Angelina? Oh, hi there, Britney? Hello, Nicole? Gee, I could sure do with a little star power around there, Triumph. Is there any way you could help me out?
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Muppet movies are always the best.
Kermit: You mean that?
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: For me to poop on!
Kermit: Right, right, ya got me again, bye-bye.
Scooter: Wait, ladies! My uncle used to own the theater!
Kermit: [watching Rizzo the Rat on "Fear Factor"] How can NBC live with themselves?